Thursday, November 19, 2009

Wow I'm so out of it

So I guess today is my birthday. How could someone not know it's there birthday you ask I have no idea but I did. I pretty much spent all of yesterday either sleeping or hidden in my room avoiding the kitchen at all costs. I finally ran out of water and ran down stairs to grab another bottle and there where all these presents on the table. I was like wtf then I looked at my phone and was like oh it's my birthday damn it they remembered. So I'm 23 today and still as fucked up as ever. I really hope my family isn't taking me out tonight because the last thing I want to to celebrate how shitty the last year of my life was. Ugh I was hoping that if I just stopped talking to my parents and avoided them they would forget but no luck there. I bet all my presents are clothes too I hate getting clothes as presents. I mean I could use them I'm drowning in everything I own but what I would like more then anything is a bottle of vodka and money now those are good gifts. Maybe I'll see if my brother wants to get trashed with me this weekend instead of buying me a present that would make this day more bearable.

My Mom got a new scale finally and I've been doing what I like to call the scale dance. I pace back and forth in front of it trying to will myself to get on it. Then I get on the scale only to jump off in full panic mode before it tells me my weight. I'm so terrified to face the number it will show me. That's pretty much how I've spent my free time lately doing the scale dance. I've been eating as little as possible but it's been difficult because my parents have been making dinner every night but I usually eat up stairs so I grab my food take a bite in front of them head up stairs and flush it. Yesterday Mom made me eat downstairs with her so I think she's catching on to what I'm doing so I'm going to have to fake not feeling well or not being hungry to for awhile before I can go back to flushing.

I've been sleeping a lot a lot some days it's close to 20 hours. I'm just exhausted I'm sure it's because my depression is acting up again it always gets worse around my birthday and stays high until after New Years. I haven't cut myself yet but the inside of my mouth is flipping raw and I have bruises all over my legs from hitting myself or purposefully running into things. Ah that's just who I am I guess eternally addicted to hurting myself to prevent others from hurting me.

Alright I've got to run and get at least a little more sleep before class. I'll be back later to let you know how the whole birthday went. Love you ladies and I miss you all terribly.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

I don't have a title

Been spending way too much time in front of my computer the last week. I'm designing my sisters wedding invites and save the date cards. Whenever I have a free moment I'm busy in front of the laptop. Plus I have a month of school left and I'm trying to ensure I pass 3 out of 4 classes. So it's just something happening all the time.

I've been keeping calories under 500 each day. I averaged around 425 calories a day last week this week I'm going to allow up to 500 calories but I'm going to try and keep it more around 350-400 this week. I feel like I'm loosing weight (my parents don't have a scale) because my clothes are getting really loose. Of course it could just be that my jeans are getting old or something. Mom says that she is going to get a new scale this week but if it doesn't happen in by Thursday I'm buying the most expensive one I can find and making her pay me back. Oh speaking of weight I need to answer a question asked by Rachel. I'm not over weight anymore but I'm not thin either. I'm 5'10" and just hitting a healthy BMI. I don't know if that makes sense I wish I was still as skinny as you but I'm getting there.

Fallen-Angel thanks for answering my last post what you said about James makes me feel better. I felt like he was acting the way he was because he thought I was going to snap at any minute. I always think people are looking at me like I'm crazy. I wouldn't blame them for reacting that way I did go crazy. Who the hell decides they don't want to live anymore and jumps out of a movie car this chick does.

Ah alright I've got to get back to work on these invites love you ladies.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Very long extremely detailed post read at your own risk.

I have to re-read my Halloween post because I have no idea what I really wrote. Sometimes I like to drink when I post because I don't hold back. I don't even know how the hell I got off on that last paragraph so maybe I shouldn't drink when I post but whatever. Thanks for the love and comments I adore you ladies for them.

Side note this story is going to be long winded because I don't have any girlfriends to tell this to. Also italic words = my thoughts

So tonight at school I ran into Charlies* best friend James** at school. It was extremely awkward and I freaked out inside. It was really funny because before I went to school today there was something that told me that I should try make myself look "nice". So I had my hair down since it's long and naturally flat as a pancake with a side part(I don't know why that's important for you to know) tried to make my makeup look presentable. Now did I actually look good probably not but I tried. So anyway my teacher sent us and I was going to be bad and get some food from the vending machine. So I'm walking down the hall toward the vending machine looking at my feet while I walk and I look up and I see James sitting at a table and he didn't see me so I look away and consider turning around and walking away. I'm like no maybe if I just pretend like I didn't see him and go to the vending machine buy my shit and walk away he will do the same and we will avoid this I thought you were fun and I liked you but he's my best friend and your his ex girlfriend dance. I should have turned around because out of the corner of my eye I see him stand up real quick eyes pretty much popping out of his head shit I know. I quickly look his way pretend to be surprised like I didn't see him before put on a big smile and say hi and ask him what he's doing there. My heart is about to burst out of my chest.

James: I decided to come back to school. I didn't know you were going here I thought you already graduated somewhere else. Panic oh shit what do I say.

Me: I just decided I needed a change arms starting to feel like jelly

James: Oh you didn't like what you were doing

Me: Yeah and things weren't going great so I decided to try something else. shit why didn't I just say trying to live my dreams that was true too. No just proving I'm crazy.

Then we just had some fluff about what class we are taking. Not wanting to look like a pig in front of him I bought a water instead of food. So there was some positive to running in to him. Until we walk away from the vending machines.

James: So are things going better with you now? Oh God I think my legs are about to give out.

Me: Yeah things are a lot better I mean I don't know what you heard but things are great now. Good lie good lie. Oh Charlie told him about my break down I can tell by the look and hesitation you just gave me bub

James: It doesn't matter as long as things are good. Why is he staring at me and hasn't blinked since we started talking. And who is this chick that is hanging off you that is not your girlfriend and I know you didn't have the balls to break up with her and she wasn't letting you go.

Me: Yeah I guess you're right. God please don't let his class be by mine let him turn down this hall.

James: Well maybe I'll see you around and take care of yourself. Thank you God thank you okay now say something back and walk back to your class as calmly as possible.

Me: Yeah you too. breath Nas breath. You need to calm down or your going to have a panic attack. It's okay your heart is about to jump out of you and your arms and legs feel like jelly but it's okay.

As soon as I turned down my hall I started to shake uncontrollably I had to go to the bathroom lock myself in a stall for a few minutes so I could calm down. I also text my sister about it cause I was like I need to tell someone or I'd still be in that stall. It's not that I didn't like James he was a kick ass guy and yes I love Charlie still but I'm over him although he's like that guy to me that I'd still do anything for. I mean I don't think it's weird I'd do anything for him I've talked to a lot of girls that say the same thing about one of their exes.

I guess what freaked me out was I know he was going to tell Charlie he saw me and I have no idea what he is going to say. Will he notice my weight loss and say how good I look or will he say that I seem like I'm still pretty messed up. I mean I considered myself to be a good actor at least I hope I am that's what I'm going to school for but I'm not sure if my acting skills failed me this time of all times. I hope my eyes didn't give me away because even though I know my voice was level and calm sounding I feel like my eyes looked like they were freaked. I mean what is with him not blinking the whole like we talked and not taking his eyes off of me the entire time we spoke. I mean did he think I was going to loose it or try and kill myself in the middle of the hall. No probably not it was probably because I told him once that the only reason I turned my life around was for Charlie and that if he ever left me I would go right back to screwing almost any guy that moved, downing Vicodin like candy before down vodka like it was water. James is the type of person you can tell anything to because he's seen and done it all. Why did he jump out of his seat when I walked up? Ladies I'm terrible with boys what does all this mean? Someone please have the patients to read this whole thing and help me figure this out.

For all the new readers Charlie is the name I gave to my ex boyfriend because I've never dated a C name and I didn't want to keep calling him my ex boyfriend so I made up a new name

** James is also a fake name