Ugh

I purged for the first time in a few years tonight.  Forgot how much it hurts, I mean my throat is still on fire.  It's because I'm bored and lonely so I decided to past the time over eating and throwing it all up.  At least that way I'd have something to occupy my time.  Anyway that's all I have to say for now.  Tomorrow I start running again and either Tracy Anderson first mat DVD or restarting Metamorphosis.  Either one will be good really because Miss Anderson is my weight loss Angel. 

Even my parents think I'm fat.

I moved back to the Midwest about a month ago.  It wasn't by choice it was because instead of my parents helping me get through some financial issues they threatened me until I caved.  Let me tell you it's been absolutely horrible.  Not only am I 26 about to be 27 in a few months and living in my parents house again I'm treated like I'm 10 years old.  I'm bored out of my mind because I have no job, no friends and no life here.  I'm absolutely miserable and surrounded by foods I haven't allowed myself to look at in 2 years. 

Bread, peanut butter, ice cream, soup, cheese, pretzels, cereal, etc.  I was living off a diet of plain oat meal, Thinkthin bars, baby food, Flintstones vitamins, apples and green veggies .  A month ago I was between 140 and 145lbs that's 10-ish lbs from my 1st goal weight and now I'm 155.  It's absolutely disgusting how little self control I had when I got back.  I know the weight gain is due to boredom and being surrounded by forbidden food.  I mean last night my father looked at me and asked if I was still running since I moved back and when I said no he looked and me and said you need to start running again tomorrow.  My mother started talking about how my sister has food issues and is too skinny.  I wanted to cry because my sister is pregnant and 4 days over due but still skinnier than I am.  My family thinks I'm disgusting and I don't blame them I sit on my ass all day looking for jobs and I get bored and eating.  Starting today I'm getting back on track.  I want to be the girl people whisper about behind her back because they aren't sure if I'm just lucky or have an eating disorder.

Goals:
Only eat plain oatmeal, Greek yogurt or fruits and veggies.
I only eat one of the above once a day
Drink at least 4 bottles of water a day
Start running again
Stop feeling sorry for myself and start working on getting back to my beloved Los Angeles
Stop saying "I" so much when I talk or write it makes me sound so self centered.  Of course I'd have to actually have a life to stop being a selfish talker. 

Starting this again

I've been thinking about starting this up again for awhile.  After a lot of thought on how I decided to just go for it, although I might be deleting the old posts in the next few weeks.  I don't know why I'm stating that since nobody is reading this haha.

So today's calorie count

Food                                                   Calories
1/3 cup plain greek yogurt                    47
1 peach                                               69
1 tbsp chopped almonds                      62
1 package Pretzel Crisps                     110
1 orange                                              87
1 string cheese                                     50

Grand total: 425

Not a bad day considering the past few days I've gone way over my limit of 600.  I really need to get some vegetables into my diet.

Perfection

This is it this is the body I want. She doesn't look scary skinny she looks perfect. Of course if she lost anymore weight everyone would know something was up. But this is right before you cross the line and people just assume you watch what you eat and exercise.

I'm contemplating putting up photos of my body from 2 months ago and now. There is a big difference between the two but I still look so gross and it will just make me look like a failure. Stay strong and good luck.

Well Hello ladies

First sorry about my last post it was completely unreadable. I know better then to post when I'm upset I can barely write a coherent thought when I'm feeling happy. So sorry I'll try not to do it again.

I hope everyone's Thanksgiving wasn't too torturous. I didn't get to go home this year. It sucked because I like my family........well at times I like them I should say I love them. Most of them if we weren't related we would not be friends. Anyway so I didn't go home which meant no battling temptation with all the food I just had a reduced fat peanut butter wrap and half of a Think Thin bar. I didn't really mind being alone I mean I got to sleep in for the first Thanksgiving ever and I got to do whatever I wanted. I'm going to miss Christmas this year too that will probably be harder on me but I've never been a Thanksgiving fan I don't like Turkey.

I turned 25 a week ago. Not much to say about that I'm 25 I still consider myself early 20's and I consider myself early 20's until the day I turn 30. Then early 3o's til I turn 40 and so on. Everyone always rolls their eyes at me when I say that but I honestly don't believe I ever have to get old. I mean yeah I have to age but I never have to get old. I'm hoping before I turn 26 to have finally lost this weight. I'm so close so so so close. I don't have a scale but my pants size keeps shrinking I'm almost a size 6. I want to be a 4 but I know once I get there it's not going to be enough and I'm going to want to be a 2 but I'm getting there that's all that matters.

So I met a guy and he's older than my like way older than me. Not old enough to be my father but pretty damn close it's weird. I get so mad at him because he keeps telling me how skinny and gorgeous I am. I just want to scream at him. I'm a beached whale and I'm a night time 6 at best which means I'm a day time 3. I like spending time with him and talking with him but people give us strange looks when we are together. It makes me uncomfortable I don't think he cares because he's the older man with the young chick but people look at me like a gold digging whore. Oh which by the way ladies can we stop judging each other like that I'm guilty of doing it too but we need to stop putting each other down. Anyway I know we aren't going to work out. I mean I can never bring him home to my family are you kidding me I would be disowned. I feel so bad because he's falling hard or so he says and I'm going to have to break his heart. I'm not a good person I'll just slowly kill his soul if we stay together and I'll always feel like I have to defend our relationship it's just not going to work. I'm so sad this is the first time since I've started writing this that a guy has wanted to be with me. It feels so good to be wanted again and now it's going away.

Ah I don't know I've got a lot to think about. Love you ladies stay strong.

Last thing I've finally found sometime to sit down and read some of your blogs so happy to finally get to do that again. I think your all fantastic and so amazingly brave to bare your souls like you do. I know there are a couple of you who have commented on one of my posts and I haven't followed you back. I promise you I'm getting around to it I love all my followers and want to give the same support back that you give me.

Had a little emotional break down

So I had a break down today and it sucked because it lead to ice cream fuck. It's all because of the temp job I have. I'm working as an assistant to a department SVP for a major movie studio. Why I was given this job when I've never worked as an assistant before but they told me I'd do fine. Then I went to meet the SVP and told her I've never done assistant work before but I have done data entry and answered phones. She told me I'd do fine but I'm not I keep fucking up and getting yelled at I just keep hoping at the end of everyday she will tell me I'm not working so I can get a different assignment. So I called my mom on my way home and just cried and cried and cried and I'm still crying. The thing is I don't cry well I do but not often I'm hoping tomorrow she lets me go. I mean it's not really like getting fired all that happens is they tell the temp place that they are done with me and I get placed again. I'm sure I would be doing better at this job if my boss wasn't so high strung but she is and every little thing I do wrong she yells at me for in front of the other assistants who work for her in the office with the door open so the assistants and other VPs can hear how terrible I'm doing. My mom and dad said I shouldn't but I don't know what to do. Ugh I'm so emotionally drained I just want something for once in my life to workout I always feel like I'm failing. Seemingly great seems to happen then everything goes to shit. And I know life goes up and down but it's like things always take a mother fucking sharp plunge into shit. Now it's never gradual or like a steady climb to greatness before falling no it's sky rocket up sky rocket down in every single aspect of my life.

Blah I'm just feeling sorry for myself things will be better tomorrow my brothers coming to visit me and I really excited because I really missed him. The moment I told him I was moving he immediately booked a close to my birthday so I wouldn't have to celebrate alone. I'm really excited at least for that.

As for the move it's going okay I'm still living in hotels I was hoping that this temp assignment would last long enough so I could find my own apartment and get then find someone to move in with me. It seems that would be easier since people would be coming to me. There are times that I'm home sick and it get's lonely because I don't know anyone here but I'm happy. Yeah I'm really happy. I'm exhausted I'm going to bed let's hope that my next post had better news. I know something good is going to happen for me I can feel it in my bones. I may never be prestigious or rich or famous or beautiful or any other thing people dream of but something is going to happen to make me proud of me and that's all that matters.

I love/hate alcohol

Now I remember why when I drink I only have one or drink until I pass out. Tonight I drank a bottle of wine which means I have a bit of a buzz. A bit of a buzz for me means I can't stop eating so I've been eating and eating and eating and I can't stop. Even if the food tastes gross I've been eating it. Like the people at one of my old jobs in MN gave me ramen before I left and I've never had that before but I made a pack because I had to stuff my face. I ate it all but it was nasty it's so salty I hated every bite but I couldn't stop then I had to servings of Kashi cereal with skim milk and a single serving size cheez-it (fuck I love cheez-it if I had an economy size of cheez-it that shit would be gone in a day) and now I'm eating a pint of ben and jerrys schweddy balls which isn't even worth it because it's not very good. I was so excited for an ice cream with booze in it because no matter how under control I've gotten my drinking I still feel like I'm probably border line alcoholic and it's just going to take one thing to set me off. Anyway I'm going to finish my ice cream and feel terrible about myself but tomorrow and Monday I'm only allowed to eat an apple but I'm really shooting for no food. I need to start working out again also I was doing so good before i moved but now it's been a month since I've done anything and I'm starting to get bat wings under my biceps from lack of exercise. Yuck it's so gross to look in the mirror and jiggle my arm and see that flap of skin giggle even after I stop moving my arm.

I hope you ladies are having better control than I am. Happy Halloween and stay away from evil sugar filled candy