Hey ladies been doing okay with my eating. Okay you twisted arm I've been doing shitty. Ah ate a whole box of Velveeta cheese and shells last night yuck. Like I expected my mom dropped in unannounced today and I freaked out because 1) my apartment looks like a tornado went through it and 2) I had a bunch of thinspo pictures on my fridge. I managed to talk her and dad to wait in the car for me before they really got a chance to look at the fridge. They took me out to buy some frames so I could hang some of my grandmas' paintings on my wall. Then they decided to take me to Dairy Queen which is okay because they make their ice cream with Ice Milk which contains fewer calories than other Ice cream but then I decided to get a medium Oreo Blizzard which made it a even worse I should have just gotten an ice cream cone. So tomorrow I have to stay away from food.

Hey Jenna just wanted to say hi and sorry I haven't written back yet I will tomorrow.

Hope everyone is doing good achieving your weight loss goals

Got to go back to babysit my cousins for the first time since the hospital incident. I use to babysit every Saturday for my Aunt and Uncle then my sister said she would fill in until I was ready to go back and my parents and aunt told her it was only temporary. I don't think she wants it to be temporary anymore because when she and I were over at our parents for the Super Bowl I was like hey I'm going to be babysitting Mel and Brian on Friday. My sister snapped back at me so I'm the one babysitting on Saturday. I just looked at her and said um..okay good for you. Uh I only made $40 but hey at least it's money. I think she's going to try and push me out and I'm like look you have a great job at the Head Quarters of a national retailer that's based up here and I'm jobless I think I need the money more plus I've been watching those kids since they were born.

I was only babysitting till 9pm so I decided that since it was my best friends birthday yesterday and I got her a present that I even took the time to decorate the gift bag with little photos of Boones Farm (we are obsessed with Boones Farm but that story will have to wait for another day) on it and was feeling like she would get a kick out of it. I texted her but she never answered me back. I hate when people don't text me back because I'm all paranoid that nobody really likes me anyway and that just intensifies the feeling. I don't know I don't think she wants to be best friends with me anymore. All I ask is that if I ask you to do something and you can't, just be like hey I've got other plans tonight. I'll be like cool whatever maybe another time and I'll go about my business and not be all paranoid. I don't know I wouldn't blame her for not wanting to be around me I've always got some sort of dramatic event happening in my life if I were her I'd get out too. It will probably be two days before I hear from her again just like last weekend. Oh well I will let you know what happens I'm not going to try and contact her because she doesn't seem to want to talk to me. Also before anyone asks I did ask her if everything was ok with her if there was something going on that I didn't know about. Which if there was something going on she would have told me well I'm not so sure that is still true. We use to tell each other everything but she said no everything was fine she was just worried about me so I don't know I'm just going to give her some space and hope things turn around.

Ah last thing I gained 3lbs from all the eating the past few days blah it makes me sick but I was sure it was going to end up being more then that so there was some relief but mostly I'm just disgusted with myself and have to get back on track. Thanks Jas for the your suggestion of giving myself a few hours of free time then an hour of job hunting I'm going to try it tomorrow. Also hey RayRay thanks for all your comments I'm like when people relate to what I say it makes me like I'm not such a freak.

Remember ladies you will only be happy when you hit your weight goals.

Blah today was boring as hell....so to pass the time while I'm suppose to be applying but for some reason haven't even started I ate a hot dog and 2 pb&j sandwiches yuck. I need to kick myself in the butt and start looking for a job because the more time I spend just hanging out at the apartment with no social contact the more I start to eat. I need that 8 hours of work to keep me from getting hungry.


Hope the rest of you are having a better day then I am

Went food shopping at 1am mainly out of the fear that my mom or my sister will stop by to make sure I'm still doing ok and will open the fridge and see I have nothing but Captain and my Britta water pitcher in there. My mom would be like if you need help paying for food just let us know and then take me out grocery shopping and then I would have all this food to binge on and gain a bunch of weight back. My sister on the other hand would be like do you have an ED and I would be like no your crazy I'm just poor (but with out the r sound on the end I just didn't want to have it look like I would say poo) cuz I lost my job. She wouldn't believe me and call my mom and then mom would try to get me treated but I would get denied casue I'm not thin enough. Still I would be in a world of trouble. So I bought food and opened most of it and throw some of it out and ate a little bit of other stuff. That way if looks like I've been eating because I like throw away half a loaf of bread.

Ok I'm freaking out and thinking my best friend is actually reading this blog. Like I was reading through some of my followers profiles and I can across one that I read a few days ago and was like omg that's my best friend omg she's reading everything. I mean eventually I tell her everything I write here anyway but I don't know there is just something comforting about being able to just say stuff and not worry about what anyone I know thinks.

Thanks for the well wishing on the job hunt. I'm looking to do any job that I can get other than stripping because well I'm just not confident enough with my body to take my clothes off in front of people right now. Otherwise I've kind of been putting it off because this will be job number 5 since July so I'm not really thrilled about looking again it gets mind numbing and boring after awhile.

Ok so off to clean my apartment a bit so no quote because I've got so much cleaning to do.

So I slept for pretty much 2 days in a row. I did get up to feed the kitties during that time so it wasn't exactly 48 hours. When I woke up this morning well actually this afternoon cause I didn't actually get up until 2pm I was so disoriented and weak and really just feel like I'm drunk. I kept getting really light headed because I basically went two days without food and very little water so my body was about to give out on me. Ended up running to McDonalds cause I smell and didn't have the energy to really walk around a supermarket. I know I should be upset about getting nasty fast food but my body really needed it which isn't a very good excuse but believe me try going 2 days without even water and you'll know what I mean. I now that I'm up I've got to start job hunting and stuff which sucks cause everyone is being laid off right now and the job market isn't very good but that's what I get for getting fired during a recession.

Still haven't herd from my "best friend" nice to know she cares *cough* *cough*. Oh but guess who did call me it flippen knocked my socks off not in a good way but in a WTF way. Jake the guy who I had that terrible date with in December. I was like I can't even believe you are calling me after that shit I'm so not calling you back. Some people just don't get it do they I've told him he's not getting in my pants a million times and he still doesn't get it. I still can't believe that he asked me during that date why I would have sex with him before but now I wouldn't. I was just like really really I just got out of a relationship with the first guy I have ever loved and you want to know why I'm not ready to just sleep people again. Granted I use to be what people would call a slut (I like to call it lady pimping hehe cause it makes me laugh and I don't think I was a slut) but you really change after you fall in love for the first time which sounds totally cheesy but it's totally true for me anyway. Whatever I'm so not calling him back cause the last thing I need right now is to get myself into an awkward situation.

On another note my girly time started again so I'm avoiding the scale as much as possible. I know last time it came someone asked how I managed to keep it with my Ana. Answer probably because I'm still a bit of a chunky monkey although the less I seem to eat the longer and heavier it gets I've always been a little odd I guess.

I don't know why I'm adding this maybe because it makes me laugh even on the worst days.

So I haven't herd form my best friend since the day after my suicide thoughts and I tried to text her and apologize for my actions cause I had been drinking pretty heavily that night and I never heard back from her. So I guess I'm back to being alone what can I say some people just aren't suppose to have friends so I guess that's the way my life is suppose to be. Oh well you can't ever trust anyone but yourself anyway. Oh before I continue let me just apologize for all the run on sentences lately I just for some reason can't be bothered lately to follow grammar rules.

Last night in my drunken state I bought tickets to Charlies favorite band and told him I got them for free and asked if he wanted to go with me. I kind of made it seem like if he didn't want to that I would just end up selling them and it was no big deal. Then I decided that I needed to lose 22 pounds in 13 days to make him want me again. Damn it why the hell can't I get over this boy what the hell is wrong with me? He said no because he was already going with his buddies and was like how did you get free tickets? I quickly blurted out that my girlfriend was a concert promoter up here and that she always gets free tickets and that she thought we were still together and knew this was his favorite band and gave them to me even after I told her that we broke up. Now this isn't that far fetched as it sounds I went to school for television production those of us in the TV classes had our classes in the same area as the radio kids and if you work in radio promotions it's not that a huge of a leap to start doing concert promotions so it could have been true. I don't know I guess I'm just desperate for him to see that I've lost close to 40lbs since our one year anniversary last March and how amazing I look and of course add the new hair color and even though I'm still fatty mcfatty I'm looking pretty hot. I was even going to wear the infamous pink tank top that I wore the first night we hooked up. It's infamous because ever time I tell I guy I've slept with that I was wearing the pink tank top when Charlie asked me out and start to explain what it looks like they stop me and say oh I know that tank top well. Yes 40lbs you have to remember from one of my first posts that I was 205lbs in March i don't know how much I weighed in September when he ripped my heart out. I don't know maybe he saw right through me but I don't think so because he never was very good at being able to read me when we were together. Oh goodness I can't be doing this shit especially since I don't have a job and can't afford concert tickets.

Oh ok well I guess that's enough honesty for today I'm done hanging with the family for a little bit so I don't have to worry about eating for show around them. Blah Blah Blah I swear to God if I didn't actually live these crazy events first hand I would swear it was all made up but you can't make this shit up when your fucking crazy like me.

Remember ladies stay away from food and all your weight dreams will come true.

I'm still here just pretty torn up from cutting. Thanks for the kind words and just being supportive. It's kind of sad but I feel closer to my blog followers who I've never even met then to the people I see everyday and call my family and friends. I kind of turned my back on Ana the past few days because I've been up at my parents and I will eat around them because if they sense that something is wrong then it's back to the hospital or I will be forced to move back in with them. I love my parents but they are already dealing with my depression and self injury that if they find out about my Ana then they might just lose it. I've got to go back to bed blah I haven't been able to stay awake for more then an hour or two since my last post. Just wanted to let everyone know I'm still alive and thanks for the love.