100th Post

So woohoo I think this is the first time I've actually stuck to anything where I write about my daily life. I mean normally I'll last a day or two and then just forget or just not care anymore but not this time. So yeah everyone take a shot of vodka for me since I'm not allowing myself any alcohol until SBC is over I'm surprised I actually stuck to that cause lord knows I love to drink.

I do have some things to write about but I'm going to wait until my next post to write them. I don't know why I just decided to wait.

Harlow you asked me if my parents suspected my ana and if that was why they keep having me over for dinner. First sorry I didn't answer sooner I kept intending to then posted and like 1 hour after realize I forgot to answer. No, my parents don't suspect my ana at all. Mainly because they think my lack of eating is from my depression. I happen to be one of the people who when I get really depressed just stops eating anything and since I had been doing this since before my ana developed they just consider me not eating meaning I'm just really depressed. They also force me to come over for dinner because they know I don't have a job right now (thank you American economy for laying everyone off) and know I'm to proud to ask them for money to buy myself food so they trick me into coming over at like random times so they can give me money and feed me.

I'm glad everyone liked my Allison Janney photos I've been a fan of hers since I saw her play Ms. Perky in 10 Things I Hate About You. That move came out when I was in 6th grade damn that was a long time ago if you haven't seen it I highly recommend it.

Fallen-Angel The West Wing totally kicks ass I'm watching all the seasons right now which is why I've neglected posting because they are on my computer. I just started season 5 which I never really realized that I had never seen season 4 and omg I just finished it last night and even though I know Zoey wasn't going to die when she went missing I was like oh my god you guys oh my god Zoey is missing. Then I realized I was talking to my cats and was like wow my neighbors must think I'm crazy. Anyway I'm not a big fan of season 7 because it makes me sad that President Bartlet is leaving the white house. I swear to god at least 3 times an episode I say out loud "I love President Bartlet." The West Wing is the best all though I would take Sam over will anyday Will just doesn't the same spark as Sam.

Okay ladies back down to business later on today but for right now I'm going back to watch more of The West Wing. Happy 100th post

Allison Janney

I think she is so beautiful and thin. Maybe I'm a little bias because I love the West Wing and we were born on the same day but whatever she is tall and thin and beautiful.

No new shoes

So I purged I purged really bad. I had been doing so well this week I swear I was. Thursday night I all of a sudden got really hungry despite the fact my water trick had me peeing like every 5 seconds which is fine with me. So I went to get in the car to get food which I do sometimes if I've been in the apartment on the couch in the same jammies for like 2 days. Normally I get in the car smoke a few cigarettes while driving around looking a t the neon signs of fast food joints just to pass by and take another puff. Well this time it wasn't because I hadn't been out all day , once I got in my car I realized I was starving because I hadn't smoked in 4 days. So I went to the gas station got a buy 2 get a 3rd pack free smoked two and was no longer hungry. So I thought I was good I was dead wrong.

Friday morning another craving hit this time smoking didn't stop it ended up in the grocery store at 5 am buying Cookie Crips, Chocolate Milk, Chocolate doughnuts, and some little Debbie brownies. I didn't end up eating all of it but I probably ended up consuming over 1200 cals in like 15 minutes then I felt so gross and sick that I ended up purging. I did such a great job purging my stomach muscles still hurt even my rib cage hurts. So I guess no new shoes but I guess if I have to put a positive spin on it I just had the best ab workout of my life but I have no intentions of doing it again anytime soon. So I ended up probably digesting 600 cals on a 400 cal day which means today's 200 cal day which I have no intentions of eating anywhere near that much is going to be killer which means I will probably be back posting again this after noon to make it through.

I couldn't think of a title sorry

So I have my interview with Ulta today at 1pm so I decided not to sleep so I have time to make myself look as least cowish as possible. I really want to work there because I love Ulta and well I need to get out of the house. I mean I'm nervous that I will be working with all girls because well I just fit in better with the guys except when it comes to the fact I like to sleep with boys and they don't. Then I just get a lot of questions about how I can men attractive when (and this is in the boys who have asked me this term) thing...or uh junk...or you know is so ugly but that's for a different post on a completely different blog so moving on.

Erin I appreciate your concern but please don't feel bad for me. I do not wish anyone to feel bad for me because well it makes me feel guilty which makes me even more depressed. Also I am seeking therapy for my depression problems I have mentioned it many times in my posts in fact I am now seeing 2 therapists at the same time at the recommendation of therapist number 1 of 2. They know about my depression they know about most of my suicide attempts they think I use to hurt myself but no longer do because I lied about it. I lied because I'm very ashamed of the fact that I do hurt myself which is why I don't even bring it up much on my blog and most people who do hurt themselves are like me and ashamed of it. I will never seek in patient help because that only really helps certain types of people and I'm not one of them. If they put me in the hospital I'm just going to do the same thing I did when I was on a suicide hold say exactly what they want to hear to let me out as fast as possible. Locking me up does no go for me because it will stop me from seeking treatment for depression because it will justify that I'm too fucked up for them to fix so they will just lock me away. As for seeking any treatment for Ana well it wont happen first off I'm not close enough to death of thin enough for any eating disorder in patient program in the country to even consider admitting me. Second I'm pretty sure no doctor or mental health professional will even classify me Anorexic because

DSM diagnostic criteria for anorexia are:

• Refusal to maintain a body weight that is at or above the minimum normal weight for your age and height (Well I'm not underweight yet)
  
• Intense fear of gaining weight or becoming fat, even though you're underweight (Have this one)
  
• Denying the seriousness of having a low body weight, or having a distorted image of your appearance or shape (have half of this I guess)
  
• In women who've started having periods, the absence of a period for at least three consecutive menstrual cycles (Yet another nope)

So even if I wanted help for my anorexia I couldn't get it because these are the requirements for it despite the fact the Mayo Clinic the best hospital in the world says that these requirements are unrealistic so I'd be out of luck. I don't want help for my Ana I love it if I didn't I would seek help some how some way. Food is the one thing in this world that I have control over in my life and I wouldn't give that up for the world right now. I looked at your blog and I saw that you recovered from anorexia and don't want to go back and I think that is amazing and I think you could really do some good for people with that experience and I hope you will. Again I would like to thank you for your concern it really does mean a lot to me that you care enough to speak up even though you don't even know me and I really hope I didn't sound bitchy.

There are other comments I was going to answer in this post but this ended up being longer then I intended so I will answer them tomorrow.

Sleeping is the best!

Went to bed at 3am yesterday didn't wake up til around 6pm. Felt really bad for sleeping that late because the kitties didn't have any food until I woke up. I always feel like they don't like me because I don't play with them any more because I'm just so exhausted all the time. My mom says that they can sense that I'm not myself right now and that they know I still love them. I'm not a crazy cat lady or anything but you know right now they are all I have they are basically my children and I love them. I also missed therapy with therapist #1 today but she will be in the session with me when I see therapist #2 tomorrow. Strange thing was Therapist #1 didn't even call me today so maybe she thought we decided not have our regular session today.

Good thing about sleeping that late is no eating. When I finally did get up I ended up eating like 10 cups of lettuce with some light ranch dressing so that was 160 calories all together. I ended up craving a cheese burger. I ended up giving in and driving to the burger joint and buying it. Took on bite and realized that I was only craving the taste of a burger and shake. So I ended up C&S the burger and fries then took a sip of shake and poured the rest of it out. I've never really done C&S unless I binge and I get to the end and I just can't eat any more so I C&S the last few bites. I know some of it got into my stomach but not much so I'm okay with that. I'm really happy that I'm getting to the point where I'm not craving to eat fat food I just want to smell it or C&S it. So I'm doing pretty good I've only had one day when I haven't drank enough water so I'm lets hope that the weight loss is much higher at the end of this week.

Other good news I have an interview at Ulta sometime this week. The manager left me a message yesterday asking me to come in for an interview either today at 3pm or Friday at 11. I was shocked because I had just filled out the application Monday night. So lets hope I get this job so at least I'm getting some income. Ah I'm so excited that I'm finally getting interviews especially with this crappy economy when people are getting laid off left and right. Wish me luck ladies I need it.

Shit.........................................................

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK!!!!! I was doing so well today so fucking good then all of a sudden my mom calls and says hey we want you to stop by tonight around 5pm so we can figure some stuff out. I knew they would be having dinner at 5pm so I said you know 7pm will work better for me. I know good job right avoid dinner give enough time in between to let the smell of yummy chicken out of the house. Well I was wrong I walked in the door and the smell of chicken hit me like a sack of bricks. It ended up that they decided to go to the gym at 5 and make dinner around when I got there and they made me some dinner. Third day in a row that they have made sure that I eat dinner with them. Like it's not like I'm under weight by any means at all so it's not like they have any idea that I'm not eating I was always really good at hiding my ana from the family. I don't know what the hell is the problem so I ended up eating it because my mom and dad are the only people world that can get me to do anything. So I went from going on a complete water fast which I was doing so great at only water from 9am - 7pm then it was chicken and a granola bar blah way to screw up the first day back on track. Just thank god that I'm not allowing myself purge and I was with my parents because it would have all come up.

Got to stay away form the parents for the rest of the week so I don't end up having another week where I only lose 1 lb because that is not acceptable for me.

I'm sorry my posts are so boring lately I'm still jobless and have nobody to hang out with so I'm just kind of sitting in my apartment by myself all day. I maybe said 5 things in between 9am and 7pm kind of a lonely can't wait til I get to have social contact again. Well I'm off to bed ladies I hope the rest of you are having a better time then I am.

Quick Update

Not really feeling talkative today so this will be quick. Down 1lb after the last week was actually really shocked because I binged like pretty much everyday last week. This week it's time to get my head back in the game. So here's the plan

1. No binging
2. No purging
3. Monday water fast
4. Tuesday - Saturday negative calorie foods only
5. Write down all calories consumed (slacked on that this week)
6. Some form of exercise
7. Drink at least 3 liters about 13 cups of water
8. Take supplements everyday even if they make my stomach feel gross

Okay keeping to these rules will definitely keep me on track. I can lose weight really fast if I keep to my rules I always have been able to. Lets just hope there are no family emergencies this week to send me back into a binge fest again. Keep working hard ladies just two more weigh ins.