My favorite self lothing song (I'm not in a self loathing mood just wanted to share)

Loser Makes Good - Everclear

I hate waking up, it means that I have to die again tonight
35 years old and I'm still sleeping outside
Yeah I think I know your face, I don't want to know your name
I won't give in, I'm not like that, I won't give in
You say it's Christmas Eve, that don't mean nothing to me
Just another fucked up day, just another waste of time
You wonder why I live like this, man you just won't understand
I won't give in, I'm not like that, I won't give in
You smart-ass college fuck
Act like you think you're tall
I was just like you
More pride than you could know
You think you pity me
Hey I'll kick your ass if you pity me
I won't give in, I'm not like that
No I won't give in to you
You college boy act like you think you're tall
I won't give in, I'm not like that
I won't give in

Been Busy

I guess I've been busy trying not to cry over the fact that if I wouldn't have had this damn ADD and Depression that I would be graduating from college now too. Oh well it just wasn't meant to be maybe someday but for now it's not. I've decided to post from my computer again even though I have to copy and past some of of the letters that are no longer working on my keyboard. I just don't get enough space on my phone to be able to say all that I want to say. So I gave into just putting up with my broke ass computer because I need to post everyday and talk a lot since you ladies are my only friends.

Don't feel bad for me for the whole college comment please. I feel bad about it for like 2 seconds then say hey I tried and I couldn't keep up and was really depressed so at least I tried. I do have an associates degree in Television Production but I worked in the news for 5 months and hated it so I got out. I will get a 4 year degree someday but I have to overcome some of my demons first.

I'm just going to answer a few of your comments right now then I'm going to bed because I'm exhausted.

First Jamie a Myspace intervention is basically where a person doesn't have the respect to do an intervention in person so they send you a message through Myspace. I wrote about it a few post back. I get that everyone is all about communicating with technology but I'm an old fashion girl and I've told every friend/boyfriend I've had that I believe in talking about important stuff face to face and that is the only respectful way to do it.

A I don't care how old you are or how much weight you need to loose I just enjoy hearing from you. You where one of the first people to read my blog and will always hold a special place in my heart. Age is just most people that I'm really close with are much older then me but I guess that's just because I've been the little 35 year old stuck in a young girls body all my life hehe. I don't know I just really enjoy hearing from you.

Thanks to everyone who gave me some advice about the gym. I do plan on asking the trainers about it I just needed a jumping off point so they didn't try to talk me in to personal training which I can't afford. I need to buy a new computer and move to Hollywood before I save for a trainer.

I'm so exhausted ladies I had a hell of an arm workout today because I was helping my parents paint the kitchen/dining room/family room. Halfway through I felt like I was going to pass out because I hadn't eaten but instead of eating I grabbed a bottle of water added some crystal light and was good to go.

Time to rest tomorrow marks day one of operation get my hot body back!!!

Thank You so much

Hey ladies I'm still posting from my phone but hopefully by the end of the week that will change. I hate when I can't post everyday I end up gaining so much blah. I feel so fat right now but thats okay because I will start losing again soon.

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who follows it means so much to me. Also an extra big thanks to those of you who have left me comments about how much you enjoy reading what I write. I've been really down since the whole myspace intervention thing so those of you who have commented since then gave me the power to keep going. I wish I could do more then thank you just idk you ladies mean so much to me I love you all. I know I'm not the most interesting person in the world and there are much more articulate Ana/Mia bloggers out there so it means a lot to me that you take the time to talk with me.

I hope my computer works again soon I still have so much to talk about from this weekend. Oh and this is for you Sarah *sings* Hey let's kick it, Stop just kick it, let you start it cause cause it's so easy, you like it my way and I know it so let's just do it do it do it real good.

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Sent from AT&T's wireless network using Mobile Email

FWD:

Hey ladies sorry I'm not blog happy right now but my computer is sucking ass.  My r key fell off which I didnt think was a big deal but then i started noticing how many words had r in them as i pounded on where the r use to be to get it to show up. So will be posting from my phone. I have been reading everyones blogs but because of my keyboard I'm not comenting.                                                                                                                           I had a really great weekend which is rare. On Friday I didnt really eat anything until around 8pm because I was going to work it all of dancing the night away at The Sounds (one of my favorite bands) concert. I took my brother with me because I have no friends which is cool because we get a long really well. I was excited because a few guys hit on me which hasnt happened since before I hit my high weight. My phone wont let me have more space so to be continued.

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Sent from AT&T's wireless network using Mobile Email

Your work out routines/ A are you still there I miss you

Hey ladies so I was working on my action plan and then I got stuck. Now that I work for a major national gym I get free membership (score I know). Any who that's great and all but I've only belonged to a gym once before and that was last year when I was smoking a mad amount of weed with Charlie. Really never needed to work out because I gad such a fast metabolism. Except for the last 3 years (and I really didn't start putting on the weight till I started dating Charlie) I've always been in the 5 percentile for girls my age and my weight. Basically for the girls who where my age and my height I was one of only 5 percent who was that under weight. Believe me I ate like a cow because my doctor would yell at my parents for how under weight I was and ask them if they were feeding me. So they would shove junk food in front of me by the box full and when that didn't work they started filling my pants pockets with change and other stuff to way me down. Once my metabolism started to slow down I didn't know how to eat correctly and ballooned into the fat ass I now am in 2007-2008.

Back to the point so I never really had to work out like my brother and sister did so I don't know what to do at the gym. So if you ladies will tell me your gym routines so I have a starting point that would be great. I know a lot of you run but I can't run because I fucked up my knees playing basketball in my pre-teen/teen days.

I love all you ladies so much thank you so much for commenting and following me I've felt so alone for so long that it is nice to find people who finally just accept me and encourage me and don't care that I have mental problems. I've been searching my whole life for a group like you ladies and even though we are spread all over the world I feel so incredible close to all of you ahh I'm starting to cry. With that said I also want to say A I miss you I don't know if you are still reading or not but I love you and hope you are well please stop by and say hi.

Periods, starving and just random catch up stuff

I swear sometimes I feel like a medical freak. I say this because my last two periods have been 3 weeks long each. I only had one week of not having a period in between and according to my little tracking/predictor sit I use my next one will start on Friday. It's like the less I eating the heavier and longer it becomes which is the opposite of what should be happening. My body is so weird how the heck is a period lasting 3 weeks if I only eat a maximum of 500 calories per day I mean really? Let me tell you something about the 3 week period it makes me so emotional even I can't stand it. By the middle of week 2 I'm crying because of every little thing.

Moving on I successfully finished my first no food calorie fast last night. I say no food because I did have a large bottle of Gatorade Monday night because I had forgotten to bring water with me to work and was so ready to collapse after 4 hours of running around with little kids. I lost 3lbs off but I'm sure I put it back on because I'm staying at my parents house and they have cereal my weakness and I had a huge bowl of it already this morning which means no more food for the rest of the day. I'm so happy I was able to finish this fast without cheating because it lets me know that I really do want this and Ana hasn't left me.

I had really struggled with not eating last month it was terrible. I just couldn't control myself I mean one day I eat half a gallon on ice cream by myself. It was so disgusting I felt so gross but I couldn't stop I just kept eating. Now that feeling is gone and I crave being empty inside once more. Hearing my stomach start to beg for food puts the biggest smile on my face. Also with all that eating my CW isn't correct it's higher but I'm just going to leave it at 165 because I plan on being lower then that very soon. I'm going to make it to my goal I promise you that I've come to far had put up with too much pain to quit now.

My promise to myself is this by September I will have a weight between 115 - 119 lbs. I'm not going to fail I want my Hollywood body back and I will get it no more re-losing the same 5 lbs over and over again. If I get back into that cycle well then that just means I'm not good enough to be associated with you ladies.

I'm going to go think of my action plan now so I can post it tonight that way I have to stick to it because if I don't I will have to tell you ladies I have failed.

Remember ladies if you give into the pain you will never be thin

If you are taking hydroxycut please stop!!!!

I'm not back for a full post that will be starting up again next week when I start my part time job so my post will be more than the boring sitting alone doing nothing posts that I have written the last 3 months. I will also comment on your comments then too. Anyone who has been reading my blog from the start I will be going back to the format of my first posts which were much more happy and helpful to you ladies I feel.


Anyway anyone who is on hydroxycut please stop taking it if you have not heard yet the FDA is recalling this product. It is causing liver damage and death in people who have been taking it. Here in Minnesota there is at least on case of a 19 year old boy who died of liver failuer because of taking the stuff. I'm so glad I gave up on diet pills last year when my ED started showing up again and hydroxycut was the last one I was using before relizing those silly things don't really work and the ones that do usally cause cancer but then again taking a piss these days causes cancer to.