Again I'd like to start off my saying thank you for the support that past week it was really appreciated. The funeral was Monday and all I'm going to say about it was that it was a disaster. That's okay though because the family and I where able to say our good byes and find closer and that's all that matters.

Moving on I think my sister is developing an eating disorder. We (mom, dad, sister, sisters fiancee and me) went out to dinner on Sunday and before the food arrived my sister took an Alli pill. My sister in no way needs to lose weight she is like at what I like to call perfect thin. In the past few weeks she has fallen into scary skinny just like omg if you lose any more weight you will be put in treatment. I know it's strange to hear a girl with an ED talk about scary skinny but I don't feel all of us with EDs want to be so thin that we look like skeletons I mean maybe that's just me. I want to be movie star thin where my hip and collar bones stick out but not you can see the space between my forearm bones through my skin thin because even though I have this obsession to be thin I don't find that skinny to be attractive but again I feel we are all different opinions on this. Anyway back to my sister so when my parents and I got home I told my mom that my sister was taking Alli. Of course my sister told mom that it was her anti-anxiety pills and mom believed her. I just went off saying she's lying and they were in the blue pill box that you can only get if you buy Alli and that of course she's say they where her anti-anxiety pills and on and on. I should have stopped because mom was like how do you know all this stuff about hiding eating problems and in my head I was like shit. So I said well when I went through my little episode last fall I had developed a little bit of an eating problem which I dealt with in therapy so I know the lies that are told to cover this stuff up and that's what really made my depression so much worse because I wasn't eating. Then as a seasoned fucked up person I seamlessly shifted the focus back on to my sister stating that because I went through those things I know that it is just a terrible way to live and I don't want my sister to go through the pain I went through. Mom was just like well we will just keep talking to her about it and I talked to her fiancee and told him and he says he's been getting on her about it too and how sweet it was of me to care so much about my sister.

Of course the next day at the funeral my parents said something to her again and she was like I know I'm too thin and I'm working on putting on weight I've already gained 4lbs. My mom gave me this look of see she's fine which I retorted that's exactly the kind of thing I said to ex best friend/ex friend and my therapist when they said something to me which made mom just glare at me and turn away. Of course the last two days since I told mom about my supposed cured eating problems (which she probably told dad about) I've made sure to eat a little more in front of them to squash any suspicions so tomorrow I should be able to go back to the usual deception.

Ok so now that life is back to somewhat normal it's time to get this blog back on track. So I've been wanting to comment on some of the comments from 4 post ago (counting this one) but it just wasn't appropriate until now.

"Mad Bird" I totally agree with how it's just amazing how people believe and blindly follow what they hear in nutrition classes. It's hard to talk my teacher seriously when she is a professional nutritionist and she's fat. I don't really judge others on there weight just myself but it's hard not to when they are suppose to know all this nutrition information.

Flushed I'm totally with you on wishing I made a better college choice my first time around. It would have made life a whole lot easier now I'm stuck in a situation that makes life so much harder. Oh well we are both going to do it the right way this time and make it through with flying colors because when you have to pay for it yourself you work so much harder at it.

Alright ladies remember never let go of your dreams.

She's gone

Ate like a cow last night feel pretty gross about it. I've been eating a lot since my last post because I've been sad and when I'm sad I get extremely tired. Normally I would just sleep a lot but since I have no time to myself since school started I had to eat to keep from passing out.

I wasn't going to eat much today but then we got the call that my aunt around 7pm and then I started to eat probably for comfort but I'm not sure because I don't normally eat when I get bad news. I'm sad but not sad at the same time because we were allowed to see her and say goodbye on Wednesday which I'm greatful for but I mean just to see how the cancer had eaten away at her body and to knowing that she was in so much pain that they had to shoot her up with a ton of morphine made the whole family wish for her to let go so she wouldn't be in pain but she was a fighter a lived longer then the doctors thought she would. It's going to be a rough couple of days but at least I know she's in a better place now.

MyNameIsMellon and SBB thank you so much for your kind words. It was such a comfort for me to read what you ladies wrote that whenever I've felt down the past few days I pull your comments up on my cell phone and it makes me feel better. It's nice to finally find people to talk with who actually have compassion for people around them. Like I said before I'm done with ex best friend but you two just solidified my feelings that she is a bad friend because I was having some doubts.

SBB just to let you know I didn't hurt myself which I'm really proud to say because it's so hard not to cut when I'm feeling down. I promise that I will take you up on your offer to talk if I start to feel to sad in the next few days.

Hopefully my next post will be a more positive one.

Family Death and Bitchy ex best friend

Bad day bad day and I mean really bad day. My great aunt is dying of cancer and I was told today that she has maybe a few days left a week if she's lucky. I want to go see her and say goodbye because she is such a wonderful person but I'm not allowed to. I get that she doesn't want to see anyone but it's still upsetting not to be able to say goodbye. I've been trying not to cry all day.

I ended up calling my ex best friend about it left her a message saying and I quote "look you need to call me because I need to talk to someone so just fucking call me back for once please." She texted me back and said you were rude I'm sorry about your aunt but you are rude I passed out a work today and am feeling better I will call you when I get better. Ok my tone in the message was short but it wasn't rude you could tell I was upset and needed to talk with the way I sounded but not rude. Anyway her answer upset me because this is the answer she always gives me and then I don't hear from her for a month or two until I call her. So I was like Yeah I'm sure you will and she was like are you being sarcastic and I was like Yep and then it was all out bitch fight. I don't know why I even bother with her because she is never ever there for me then when we fight she is always like I've been there for you and you are so mean. It's like no you aren't there for me you are never there for me look I know you have a kid and a full time job but stop using your kid as an excuse. Ah I hate her so much I guess I just tried to hang on because she was the last friend I had but now I'm done I will live my life without friends I don't need them as long as I have you ladies to talk to I'll be fine. Well I will have friends because I will have you just not friends that live around me.

Woo okay I am feeling much better after getting that off my chest. Now I just need to take a deep breath go to sleep forget about ex best friend, pray to ask god that if he isn't going to let my great aunt recover and eventually die a peaceful painless death that he will show mercy and let her suffering end. I need to keep my head on or I'm going to end up cutting and I really don't want to cut it's been a few months since the last time I hurt myself and don't want to do it again.

Remember tomorrow will be a better day and there is always light at the end of the tunnel even when you can see it.

No title

A better week eating wise but still not where I was at before I was living at home. School is the savior that gives me an excuse to stay away from the kitchen. I just spend most of my in the library doing homework with no money on me so there is no way I can get food from the cafeteria it's perfect really. Now on the weekdays I don't spend much time at home with my parents because of my schedule. The nights I am home with them I stay upstairs most of the time but I go down to the kitchen twice once to "eat" a snack then a second time because I have to eat some sort of dinner in front of mom and dad. Dinner is usually like a Smart Ones or something low in calories. I really feel it's a good plan since I make sure not to eat much if anything on these days. I just need to figure out a weekend plan because my parents tend to be around during all meal times this my take me a little longer figure out but I'm sure I'll think of something.

The first week of school went smoothly. Although on the advice of disability services I dropped one class and replaced it with a different one. Which was the right decision because I would have just struggled to understand what was going on all semester long. My other classes are great though I knew I was worrying for no reason. Although every time I look at my class schedule I laugh because I took a nutrition class to fulfill my health requirement I find it kind of funny. Oh and FYI to any of you college students here in the states who want to save some money don't buy your books rent them. The two best book renting sites I found are Chegg.com and Campusbookrenter.com. Instead of paying $100 plus for each book I paid around $30 for each book and I can highlight in them if I want. The books are in really good condition at the end of the semester I send the books back with the prepaid shipping label it's great like Netflix for textbooks. Sorry to sound like a commercial here just being poor makes me look for ways to save money especially since I'm now a poor college student who has to pay for school myself this time around.

Remember being thin is hard work.

Can't sleep so I thought I'd blog.

*Sorry if this post jumps around or doesn't flow well. My mind is just thinking about a million things at once right now.*

So finished moving which hopefully means I wont be so stressed out which means I wont eat very much if anything now. Whenever I get really stressed out I eat and eat and eat I don't know why I guess that's just my way of dealing with things. Plus I had to get use to living with people again I totally avoid going down stairs at meal times. My parents like to make their food on the George Foreman Grill and the smell just made me eat everything in sight.

This concept of actually having food in the cupboards is so foreign to me. After living the last 2 1/2 years without having much to eat in my kitchens it's been difficult to remember exactly how make it look like I'm eating without actually eating or that even though there is food in the house how not to eat it. Even though I enjoy having some social interaction everyday I wish I could live with someone like Charlie again who didn't really give a damn about my eating habits. I feel so fat I must have gained 100 pounds the last two weeks and I'm sure every inch of me giggles when I move yuck. That's okay though because tomorrow I'm going back to working out at least every other day with serious food restriction with a few days of fasting mixed in. I can't wait to start starving myself again Ana has been screaming at my fat ass at the top of her lungs to get back to work and now I will be able to give into her.

Had my first day of school yesterday I hope I do good. I've only had one class but I'm a little nervous about doing good. I always get overly nervous about things that I don't need to worry about. I should be asleep right now I have class in a few hours I'm just excited and nervous and overly stimulated about getting back to normal. Well I don't want to turn this into a novel so I will end here. I have so much to tell you ladies but I better not blurt everything out and make my writing choppier then it already is.

I'm not in treatment or abandoned you.

Hey Ladies just a quick post I haven't been forced into treatment or anything just extremely busy. I'm so sorry I really miss you all and I will be back to posting on a regular basis on Monday at the latest. I've been moving back home and I am a notoriously slow mover. As any of you with ADD/ADHD will know when it comes to things I don't like doing/ don't want to do I get distracted easily. When it comes to things I love/want to do I can focus like Hermione Granger. Those of you with ADD/ADHD know what I mean it's a very odd learning problem I don't like to call it a disability because I don't feel like it's a disability it just means like I've said before that I learn different than others.

I hate when I get to busy to post because this blog and you ladies are what keep me on track and I love you are so much for that. I know some of you have written me e-mails and I apologize to you for not answering them especially to fallen-angel I've always seen so much of myself in you I worry that you feel the way I would if someone didn't answer me in so long. I don't hate you or anything I love you so much like I've said before you where one of my first readers and will always hold a special place in my heart. All of you hold and special place in my heart you all keep me strong and I can't wait until I've finished moving and school starts so I have time to post again. I apologize if this post doesn't make a whole lot of sense or jumps around a lot I

just got in from bar hoping with some old high school friends so I'm a little tipsy not drunk just tipsy after 2 drinks because no eating and lack of calorie intake. Ok, ok I lied I've been drinking at my parents alone I have no friends. But I did only have two drinks with very little calorie intake before I felt tipsy now four drinks later I'm fully wasted and want more plus for fuck sake I'm horny as hell I miss being thin and a whore because I'd fuck anyone anywhere anytime. Now that I'm fat I can't fuck anymore because well I'm fat. I want to call Charlie and ask him if he's got a new girlfriend who is as sexually adventurous as I am. If she is then I will be the girl they are looking for I will have a 3-some with them not like it would be my first 3-some anyway I'm so horny. Sorry I'm such a whore ladies and don't tell me I'm not because my motto is "if she doesn't swallow than she doesn't deserve a cock to fuck her. Well until Monday or maybe sooner goodbye and keep starving.

Sister drama makes me cry

Been busy as hell this last week. My lack of posting isn't because I've fallen back into sleeping all day because of my depression or anything like that. After this next week things should be slow down and I will be back to posting almost everyday.

I was such a pig tonight though because my sister and I had a BBQ for my dads birthday. I had a small steak, some salad, corn on the cob, fruit salad, a slice of ice cream cake, and a captain and diet coke. I honestly can't remember the last time I had a meal with so many different foods. Like normally I can pick either some carrots, a piece of fruit or a slice of low calorie bread. With my family if I don't have enough food on my plate they will put more on it for me. I think they suspect my eating habits but don't say anything. So to avoid this I put a little bit of everything on my plate. I wasn't going to drink but well my sister was yelling at me all day because she's stressed out with planning her wedding already. I finally started crying when she came out while I was grilling and told me what a bitch I was. I was finally like I need a drink to make it through this dinner. All I know is that she better calm the fuck down or I'm out. Lord knows I'm not mentally stable enough to be yelled at a lot be one person even with all the work I've done in therapy. I'm sure me being little miss emotional has something to do with the fact that I didn't have my period last month. Damn you period if you are too long my emotions get out of whack and if you don't come at all my emotions get out of whack.

Thanks Ophelia for your comment I really need that tonight.