Feeling a little better today. I'm extremely tired even though I went to bed around 11:15pm last night and slept until about 5pm today. All this sleep is because my depression has been really bad the last week or so. I haven't been able to get out of bed which has helped me not eat but I'm not getting in any exercise which makes me angry. Just laying on the couch slipping in and out of sleep hardly able to move. My arms feel like they are full of cement my legs feel like lead and my head is heavy I have to rest it on my shoulder to keep it up. The only part of me that is able to move correctly is my fingers. My wrists and hands feel as though they are glued to my laptop and my fingers move gracefully and unaffected across the keys as my wrists feel like they are glued to the laptop. Why did this pick me why didn't my older sister and younger brother end up with some of the family diseases too why did they all land on me. Why am I the only one to be effected why am I always the one.

It doesn't really matter now does it. I have the gate way learning disability ADD you have that you are bound to get depression you get the depression you are likely to get the anorexia or bulimia you get the anorexia or bulimia and you get the self destruction you get the self destruction you get the self loathing. I just want to understand why God or science or what ever higher power(s) you believe in decided that I was the one to be fucked up. I don't think I will ever get those answers not until I die someday and hopefully make it to the gates of heaven get my like 5 minutes with God and as he or she is ready to answer the why do we exist or the what is the meaning of life questions I pull out the why did you decide out of the three of us kids that I was going to be the one who got all the mental problems. Don't get me wrong I don't wish my pain on my siblings or any person ever. I just really needed to get some self loathing off my chest I guess. On a positive note for the few hours I've been up there has been no blood and the pain is gone it's just gut rot (nausea) now so I'm thinking yesterday was just a weird day.

Remember ladies mind over matter and I wont get fatter.

Some Gwen Stefani thinspo for you I want to be as thin as her some day very soon I remember when Tragic Kingdom came out in 1995 I thought she was the coolest chick ever. The 90's were awesome!!!!

I feel so sick it's been just terrible been downing the Pepto like it's crack. I think I really need to see a doctor because it's gotten kind of scary. This is kind of embarrassing to say and I apologize in advance for this next statement cause it might gross you out. I was at work on break and thought I was about to get the runs so I run to the bathroom but it wasn't the runs it was blood. I had blood leaking out my ass OK so I laughed about it at first because it reminded me of that South Park ep. where Cartman thinks he got his period but he was leaking blood from the ass because of a stomach virus.

I know I should go to the doctor but I don't have insurance from my new job yet and my temporary insurance doesn't cover what it said it would so I'm fucked. I wouldn't be able to afford it anyway my credit card is maxed out from the hospital bills from the suicide hold in September. Do you know it cost me $3000 just for the hospital room and food. They fed me maybe 4 times and forced me to stay in the hospital with no insurance which I told them I didn't have and they have the balls to make me pay for it. Add another $2000 for the doctors and the emergency room and the lab work and it's like are you fucking kidding me. I am lucky that I have parents that were like we will help you as much as we can and they did it wasn't much but it was a little bit which was better then nothing. Still it was like they ass raped my bank account those bastards. Plus I deserved to be smacked around for not holding it together til after I got insurance.

Blah any way I'm feeling really crappy right now my stomach like hurts but not like if I had cramps just a dull constant pain it suck so much. I'm going to try and sleep it off and pray it's nothing serious I've been avoiding the bathroom since like 1:30 this afternoon because I don't want it to happen again. My friend says that if it's still happening tomorrow she will drag my small ass (that's right she said small even in all my sickness I perked up a little hearing that even though I'm still a fat ass in my head) to the doctor herself. For now it's more Pepto and off to bed. Which sucks because I was going to see Twilight tonight because I love those books and Robert Pattinson is future ex-husband number 3. Anyway hope the rest of you are getting to exercise I wish I could.

Remember an imperfect body reflects an imperfect person.

I've got my confidence back yesterday. When I went to the annual family thanksgiving gathering I received non-stop compliments about my weight loss. I'm not at that thin and beautiful comment that I want to get back to but at least I'm now down to the you look great you look so pretty. I haven't had a person besides my parents or my ex tell me I was pretty in well over a year. It really gave me that little extra to put my butt back in gear and keep working hard.

Kept the face stuffing to a minimum which was great. Everyone kept looking at me weird because I would grab a carrot dip in the ranch dressing scrap the excess dressing off the carrot on the bowl then eat it. I'm also pretty sure I had a look of complete terror on my face when it was time to eat dinner. I played my part had a plate of food with the smallest portions ever and had the tiniest piece of pie. Only thing I had to drink was water except for the one sprite zero I had around noon. I was really really shocked with how much self control I had. As much as I hate food I love it like 10 times more so not caving is a major step forward. I'm just so proud and just so giddy with joy right now hopefully I'm able to hold on to this feeling all through work which a doubt because my boss is a bitch.

Fallen-angel don't worry about being able to find the words to express your support. To me just the fact that you took time to show me you actually cared enough to comment is all the support I need. I don't really think very highly of myself so when ever I get a comment I get all excited and am like someone does like me. So thanks hun I love you so much for all the support you give me. Also thanks to Anna for just writing a kick ass blog that really gives me strength and for showing some love.

Remember eat less weigh less

Can't sleep took a hand full of pain meds because I wanted to be numb for awhile. Holding a box cutter blade in my hand wondering if I should slice my legs up. I' m such a loser I hate my life. I can't even get this anorexic shit right what the fuck is wrong with me. Stop eating you fat whore stop eating stop eating stop eating. I hate that every time I turn around there is a fast food ad or someone eating. I hate that I almost got my self control back today only to flush it down the toilet I mean what the flip. I don't get this world and it's expecting it has of women. Society tells use that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes then to turn around and glorify the skinny girls. I just want to be numb again I just don't want to feel it makes everything so much easier. Pills kicking means a good night sleep for me.

Started out doing really good today didn't have anything but water and my crystal light on the go. Then like an hour ago I just couldn't take it anymore and I raided my cupboard. Ended up eating 7 pieces of 160 calorie pumpkin bread. It was the only food I had in the apartment. Of course I scarfed it down before even thinking to look at the label. It's not good ana habits to do that but I was starving because I thought I would try to go all day without my once a day food intake. Not good I can't not eat on my pills I know better. I don't know I just wanted to have a day of no food before the thanksgiving fattening feast. I really don't have much to say today my depression has been really bad lately so I haven't had the motivation for exercise or to really get out of bed. Plus another bad therapy day so I'm just having a crappy day all around. I probably wont have time to post til Friday night since it's a holiday tomorrow and I have to be at work at 5am Friday for Black Friday oh the joys of working retail.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone here in the states try not to eat to much of that fattening food. Happy Thursday to the rest of you.

"Do you really think Anorexia is going to fix things?"

This was the question my friend who knows asked me today at her home coming party. Do I think it's going to fix things no I don't. I'm sure it will make my problems worse. Hey, if you don't like hearing me say that well to bad I'm not going to lie about it. The problem is Anorexia starts out as a choice of somewhat and then turns to a disease. It wasn't a choice for me to the point where I said I'm going to start starving myself to lose weight it was a more subconscious choice. Somehow someway something got planted in my subconscious that said don't eat don't eat you are so fat don't. After awhile I became aware of it and I couldn't stop that's when it became a disease. I don't know if that's the way it works for everyone else but that's the way it worked for me.

I explained this to her and she said well why? I said well because from the 6th grade up to my junior year of high school everyone would always say to me your so thin and beautiful. So I got in my head that because I was so very thin I was beautiful. Then I gained a little weight and I got you look great, omg you look fantastic I didn't think much of it at the time but I knew I was no longer thin and beautiful I was just pretty and looked great. This is when my Ana started to develop. Then last year I put on more weight and I would see these people and they wouldn't say anything I just saw their eyes widen and then they would say omg I haven't seen you in so long how have you been. I would say I know I got fat and they would say no no you look fine through their teeth. At that point the voice in my head got louder and louder telling me how fat I was and how everyone knew it but didn't want to say anything. It said look at how gross you look nobody will ever cast your fat ass as a lead in a play you will always just be the fat friend.

Don't get me wrong I don't blame anyone who said I was so thin and beautiful for how I have turned out. I mainly blame myself for it because I have such low self esteem. She really didn't get it and I didn't think she would get it but I tried. I was so frustrated by the end of our conversation I said hun don't try and fix me I'm broken and always will be because I have issues that can't be fixed because there is no cure. Blah now I'm exhausted and need to go to bed before therapy in the afternoon.

Remember a moment on the lips forever on the hips