The other day I was feeling pretty bad about my past posts the other day. I always feel like when I talk about my problems everyone thinks I'm just trying to make people feel sorry for me. I don't want sympathy truthfully I don't feel like I deserve that I never have and never will. Look I started this blog to finally be able to stop holding everything inside and maybe find people who relate to me so they don't feel alone anymore.

Look my little title description thing warns you that this blog isn't going to be about rainbows, puppy dogs and all that other happy shit that makes me sick. So I say if people don't like that I "bitch" too much well then you can fuck off. Look I'm not writing this in response to anything or because someone said something I don't really know why I decided to write this. Probably because I was going to write more about my day and just didn't want to feel like I was burdening people with my problems. I don't want to feel guilty about what I write because I'm all paranoid about what people think. I will probably write about my day later but I think this is enough for right now.

Not having a great few days way to much eating. I had to eat last night for Moms birthday but today ugh I was just being little miss oinky oinky fat pig. First I ate a bunch of chocolate covered pretzels that my best friend bought while we were at work. Then after work I decided to continue my fat cow quest and got Subway. I was only going to eat half of it but I ended up eating the whole thing so I tried to purge it but because I didn't really drink anything with it the sandwich just wouldn't come up blah such a fat cow. I'm thinking about going to get a shake and a cheese burger and then throwing that up because that always works but I don't want chance it especially since I ate so much already today.

Add that with the fact that my depression has gotten to the point where after work I just come home and collapse from exhaustion that I'm unable to exercise and things aren't looking to good. I have to get back on track with eating it's the only thing that I have to satisfy my inner Ana. Ugh at least I haven't cut myself in a week so I mean I'm still somewhat in control. I just need to pull it together I still haven't even gotten out to find new vitamins yet so I'm sure that's not helping with the energy levels either.

Anna I was wondering if you could tell me what you take so I can just run to the healthy food store and pick it up. I would really appreciate it if you could help me out.

Remember ladies the most beautiful people in the world are thin

Had two bowls of ice cream with chocolate syrup today. I'm not angry or upset at all because I was eating it with my mom. She had surgery yesterday and even though it was only a day surgery where you go in for surgery and stay in the hospital for a few hours after then go home. It was just nice to have that moment with her today cause I really love my mom and would be really sad if I lost her.

I am upset about how much I ate last night with my best friend though. God I like pigged out like the fat girl I am. She is the only person who can make me eat and she knows it. I felt little better because she kept telling me how much thinner I have been looking. She was like I'm so jealous of you I wish I looked as good as you do right now. I know she was probably only saying it to make me eat but I really needed to hear that from someone. Ah...she needs to stop making me eat or I'm going to end up being so chunky yuck. So no more eating until tomorrow night for moms birthday dinner which shouldn't be to hard since I only eat once a day on eating days anyway.

Blah need to stop thinking about food or I'm going to get hungry. New tip that may help you or may not but thought I'd put it out there. On days that I'm not eating I keep two glasses/bottles of water by me at all times. One with full of warm water and one with ice cold water which I alternate taking drinks from. This way I'm able to make myself feel full with the warm water while still burning those calories with the cold water. I don't know it seemed to make fasting a hell of a lot easier because I wasn't feeling as hungry maybe it was just a mental thing but it really seemed to work.

Hope all you ladies are shedding those holiday pounds remember ask someone to show you beauty and they will show you a thin person.

Thanks for all the support guys I just have been so down lately. Yeah I'm getting help for it and all but right now nothing seems to be helping but spending time with the family seemed to help a bit. As angry as I can get with them I've been through enough shit in my short 22 years to know that my family are the only people in the world that will always stand by me. I feel really lucky in that way because not everyone has a family like that.

Anyway I did really good at both family events I ate very little in fact everyone was asking me if I had eaten anything or why I was eating so little. I just said that I was watching my weight trying to get back down to a healthy weight (Which I am a "healthy" weight according to doctors) again and everyone one was like oh good for you and I thought you looked a lot thinner. That felt really good to hear. Got on the scale a few minutes ago and after 2 days of eating yummy bad for me food I only gained 2 pounds. Granted gaining is never good but it was only 2 lbs so I really kept in control. Ah control I love control I love it I love it I love it. Everyday I'm closer to becoming perfectly broken closer to becoming perfect I will be perfect. Although I do want Ice cream right now but I had to watch my girls next door dvd to make sure I don't binge plus most things are closed on Christmas day helps to.

So I'm still feeling down but I not nearly as bad as Monday. Hope you ladies didn't eat too much at the Christmas gathering. BTW Hana I like to do pot to get out of my suicide funks so your not alone I would love some coke but everyone I know who sells coke wont sell it to me because I'm depressed IDK. I like to drink with my best friend when I'm depressed drinking alone is never good.

Remember ladies thinner is the winner.

I tried to kill myself on Monday obviously it didn't work. I'll that happened was I ended up sleeping for 24 hours which caused me to have a no call no show to work so I will probably be fired. That will be job number 4 this year God I suck at life. I apparently I suck at trying to kill myself too. I feel really bad about it but people just kept pushing and pushing and pushing and I just couldn't take it anymore. I'm really kind of glad that I didn't die because that would have made my Mom really sad and this Christmas has been really hard on her already with it being the first one without Grandma (her mom). Just having a really hard time right now because all I keep thinking about is how happy I was at this time last year and now how much I hate myself. Even though I was really fat last year I was loved and it didn't matter because he loved me. God I just want to be loved again I just want someone to want to be with me I just want someone to want to be with me. I want to cut myself so much I just want to close my eyes and never open them again.

I must be strong must try to make it through this try to hold it together for another day

Merry Fucking Christmas another family gathering where everyone in both sides of family get to see I'm still the fattest of the 3 kids in my family. I tell you this it will be the last holiday they get to think that hehe. On Ester they will be thinking how thin I am and one of the other 2 will get to see what it feels like to be the fat kid in the family. Sticking to water the rest of the day except for at dinner when I will be eating a little so as not to attract attention to my eating disorder. So like I said before Merry Fucking Christmas I have lots to say but no time to say it time to go bye 1 more gift then it's off to the family gathering.

Total broke the fast today lasted about 2 days before I couldn't take it anymore. Well I probably would have been fine but I had to go to the grocery store to buy cake food and it was all down hill after that. I was in there for like 2 hours picking something up walking in a circle back to the aisle I was just in to put it back. I was thinking about getting white rice because the really thin people I hang out with eat it like all the time and they are twigs. Then I picked up the box and saw it was 200 hundred calories per serving I said screw this there is no way in hell I'm eating 200 calories with a cup of rice. I finally left with Kitty food, whole wheat bread and a Kit Kat bar. I really wasn't planning on eating it was more of a comfort thing. The thought of not having anything to eat was freaking me out but anyway that's not the point. I had to break the fast because I ended up passing out today in my apartment which is really scary because I live by myself so if I would have cracked my head open there would have been nobody around to find me. When I can to like 3 minutes later I decided that I needed to eat something so I had a piece of the Kit Kat bar and some bread. I'm starting it again tomorrow I can't eat til Wednesday night I will not allow myself to pig out. I will not give in to hunger I will not be weak I can do this I know I can failure is no longer an option for me.

Thanks Shopia I feel better knowing that everyone is a bitch the first time. I'm also glad to know it gets easier each time I can't wait for that. The last few days I have felt like I was going through puberty all over again hehe. So just going to eat another piece of bread and then I'm done eating for the night. I got my fruit juice and crystal light ice cubes all frozen and ready so if I get dizzy, light headed or pass out in the next few days I will be able to pop a juice ice cube in my mouth and get my strength back. Woo here we go again ladies round two and I'm ready for it.

I found this website while I was searching the Internet today. 8 pages of thinspo nice mix of models and real thin girls.