I'm freezing and I love it

I forgot how cold I get when I start losing a lot of weight. I love it I love it I love it I can feel myself shivering and I know that means I'm burning calories. I want to take a really hot bath or shower so when I get out I shiver even more. My BMI is back to the "normal" range which still makes me a piggy pig pig and I wont be happy until I'm underweight again. At least it's progress I'm going in the right direction and I wont ever turn my back on ana again. I've got 3 layers of clothing on my heat cranked all the way up and I'm still shaking my fat butt off and have only eaten around 100 calories today if even that. That's on benefit to sleeping my days away I'm only up for about 3 hours so no time to eat much.

I've been sending most of my few hours awake cleaning my apartment and getting ready to start packing since I have yet to find a job. Also I don't think anyone who lives at home is a failure I just think I am because I hold myself to incredibly high standards that I will never be able to meet but I can't seem to bring myself to lower them. My quest for perfection will be the death of me I already know that but hell I don't really give a fuck. If I wasn't living to reach perfection I would have nothing to live for at all besides my kitties.

Hey fallen-angelx I think if you feel that you would benefit from seeing a therapist then you should. If you go into therapy because you are dragged there then it will never work. I have been dragged to it and it doesn't work. Even though I was forced to start up again as terms of my release form the hospital I continue to go because I want help. I do lie about my eating habits and hurting myself and haven't told her about my suicide attempts from the last few months because I don't want to back to the hospital because I know it wont help me to be locked up. I really think therapy has been helpful because I can finally just cry and grieve and deal with events that have happened that I've never allowed myself to deal with before. If you feel like you want to go to therapy and get help then do it. Just remember the first month or so really suck because you are dealing with things that you have never talked about or haven't talked about in a long time but once you get use to talking about it then it starts to work. I mean I don't know if I will ever be depression or cutting/burning free but it helps make the feelings less intense. I don't know if that helps or if I'm just blabbing but I don't know I guess I could have just said yes it's helpful and you should go for it if you are ready for it.

Really exhausted been sleeping about 16 - 20 hours lately. Mom and Dad called last night and told me that maybe since I can't find a job I should move home I started crying really hard after that. Mom started apologizing for making me cry right away I always feel bad when I cry in front of them. I don't know what's wrong with me lately I start crying at the drop of a hat. I started to tell what I failure I am because the older sister has a great career and the little brother is almost done with college and is going to have a great career and I'm almost 5 years out of high school quit my career cause I hated it and now can't hold down a job. Dad ended up yelling at me and telling me to stop it and I started crying harder but it didn't last long before mom stepped in and calmed me down. Geez I need to get these emotions under control but I just can't help it I'm about to cry right now for no reason what so ever. Hold it together girl christ what the hell is my problem.

Other news I started to see a second therapist at the advice of my first therapist. They are starting me on something called EMDR I can't remember exactly what it stands for and I'm being to lazy to look it up. Anyway it is suppose to release memories of trauma that my body (as the new theapist put it) is hanging onto so I can start to work on the thing that caused me to be depressed and stuff now. I don't know it's a little strange but I will have to see what happens. I have yet to tell mom and dad that I need two therapists to "fix" me. I hate that people are trying so hard to fix me because I believe I'm unfixable. I don't know blah I'm going back to bed I'm exhausted but then again I'm always exhausted.

Oh side note no purging the last 2 days even though I binged on Mac n' Cheese on Wednesday so feeling crappy about the binge but good about being strong enough to stay away from purging and I still manged to lose a pound so go me I have no clue how I pulled that off.

Blah blah blah

Woke up a little bit ago and I ate entire box of maple brown sugar oatmeal then purged it all. My stomach is sore, my throat burns, my fingers smell of rotten milk and my knuckles are bruised. Alright no more purging for the rest of the SBC if yes if I go on a binge again too bad I'm going to have to deal with the fact that I'm a fat ass and just not eat the next day. If I get through the rest of the challenge without purging I will buy myself a new pair of shoes as reward. Alright I'm off to bed again at least I'm out of bad food now so it shouldn't be to hard not to binge. Yuck I hope I didn't gain too much weight back over the past two days I keep getting on the scale but closing my eyes and jumping off before I look at the results. Blah blah blah nighty night.

Thanks for love for my dad. He was released from the hospital yesterday and nobody has any idea what is wrong. They said since the pain went away and he was able to complete a stress test he's fine. I was up in arms about this because he exercises everyday on the treadmill so of course he would be able to finish a stress test. 5 years ago he had a major heart attack that the doctors said should have knocked him off his feet so to speak but he was walking around drove himself to hospital it was crazy.

I did end up yelling at dad in the hospital because he started having pain at 8am but instead of telling mom about it and going to the hospital he decided he wanted to go take pictures in Monticello which is like 30 - 60 minutes out side of the metro area with mom and his friends. While they were having lunch he grabbed his chest and after mom and her friend started nagging at him he told them what was going on but it took more nagging to get him to the hospital. I ended up just bitching at him and telling him that it wasn't far to mom or the siblings and I for him to do that. He promised if he got pain in his chest again he would tell mom and they would go to the hospital. He felt really bad about making me so upset and I felt bad about yelling at him. I ended up explaining to him I was so upset because I got extremely lucky with at least one thing in my life and that was getting the most amazing parents and I didn't want to lose either of them and that if he wasn't there to walk me down the aisle if I happen to get married some day I would be extremely upset. I know he is going to have problems with his heart for the rest of his life but he is only 50 years old and that is to young for him to die of a heart attack and I don't want to get another call like for a long long time not until he's like 90.

Ugh I was so exhausted yesterday I ended up passing out on the floor when I finally got home from the hospital. I did end up binging and purging yesterday because it's a habit for me like many people to eat and eat and eat when they are stressed out. Problem is instead of just feeling like crap for binging Ana tells me to purge it I'm pretty sure I got most of it up. It's getting really scary how good I'm getting at it but no more of that this week.

So I got a comment asking me if I was being truthful about my weight loss last week. First I want to say thank you for reading and taking the time to comment I really appreciate it. Second Yes, I am being completely and totally honest about it. I promise you that I am telling you the truth about my weight loss. No, I don't actually believe that food can be negative calorie but I decided to only eat the fruit and veggies on that list because it just made my eating life easier. Besides yesterdays binge the only foods I allow myself to choose from each day are, lettuce, carrots, peas (I shelled them myself which was a first), corn, green beans, apples, pineapples, cantaloupe and grapes. Add that with only drinking water or a cup of skim milk and you can lose a lot of weight. So now that I've talked everyone ears off I'm headed to bed I'm still exhausted from the last few days.

Freaking out right now

Got a phone call from my mom 20 - 30 minutes ago my dad is in the emergency room with chest pains. He had a heart attack 5 years ago when I was 17 years old he so I'm freaking out right now. He was only 45 years old at the time that had the be probably the scariest day of my life. I know I know everyone is thinking why are you posting instead of at the hospital with your dad. Well dad hates when we make a fuss over his medical stuff and since right now they don't know if it's just chest pains or another heart attack we are waiting. I got left the task of calling the siblings to let them know what is going on like always but I can't get a hold of my brother so I'm worried if something does happen that he wont know about it. God I'm just shaking so bad right now it's hard right now and I really want to call someone anyone to come over and stay with me for a bit until I find out what is happening but I wont be able to get a hold of anyone but the people who want to get in my pants so it's not even worth trying. Which is also the reason I'm blogging about this because the people who read this blog are the closest thing I have to friends right now which is kind of sad but hey that's how life goes sometimes. God I'm shaking so bad and just thinking the worst possible scenario because when you get a call that someone you love very much and means the world to you is in the hospital you don't think that everything is going to come up rainbows and unicorns cause you don't go to the hospital if everything is fine and dandy. You get that call and your stomach drops and you start to shake and your eyes start to well up. I just really can't type any more I'm just shaking so bad right now need to do something to pass the time until mom calls. You'd think the testing would be done faster when you have a 50 year old man who has already had one heart attack comes in complaining of chest pains but they are taking their sweet time just like they did when dad went into the hospital 5 years ago complaining of chest pain it's like for Christ sakes just this hospital is always so fucking slow.

Now I remember why I stopped using titles

Okay so I'm going to just going to get the 3 big events from the 7 day absence out of my system so here we go.

One I don't think my best friend and I are friends anymore. I tried to text her and call her but she isn't answering me back so I'm like okay. I'm going to let her be the one to contact me if she wants to to still be friends cause I tried. I did send her the birthday present I got her just because I didn't want it and I put a lot of work into it. I decorated the bag with little bottles of boones farm our favorite drink. Then photoshoped a picture of us in the "finer things club" because we are obsessed with the office. She got it I know that much but she hasn't even said thank you so I'm just like whatever if you want to be a bitch then that's fine.

Next thing I got really drunk on the 14th because I was finishing up the last of my booze so I wouldn't ruin the SBC. So I ended up calling Dave in the intoxicated state because he had been flirting with me again. So I called asking him to come over but since he had been drinking too he was like I can't drive all the way out there. Whatever instead he ended up calling me and ended up crying and just letting everything out that I've been holding in about everything. We talked for like 2 hours he was really sweet about it and telling me he had been through that stuff too so it was kind of nice to talk to him. Now he calls me everyday trying to get me to go over there and I just kind of ignore the calls because I can't really talk to him unless I've been drinking. Every time I go over there sober I get all uncomfortable and thinking about Charlie walking in so it just isn't happening.

Last thing was after I got of the phone with Dave I called Charlies pot dealer and offered to whore it up with him for pot. Well I left him a message sad thing is that /i could by pot from him for like 20 bucks cause he sells some terrible shit. So I guess that I'm just a whore and I'm sure Charlie has been told but you know what I really could care less if he knows or not. I guess that means I'm getting over it or just that I've come to terms with what I am. Either way it doesn't really matter.

SBC update I already reached my final goal in the first week so I am now going for 15 lbs. This fruit and veggie negative calorie only eating is making the pounds just melt away. I binged big time this morning on the fruit I had in the apartment and I still ended up losing weight. Although I don't think I could ever be vegan I really really really want a cheese burger or a steak or chicken really really bad right now. I really would love to eat something other then fruit or raw or steamed veggies but if I want to be thin and perfect then I will suck it up and keep eating the same things I've been eating. Nobody ever said Ana was easy and only the strong will succeed.

Keep starving my skinny girly girls one week down three more to go. I love the SBC thanks RayRay for starting it!!!!

Little walk down memory lane

Okay so I haven't slept in 24 hours and only consumed 376 calories. I didn't eat much because my brother got in a car accident yesterday no worries he's fine. The car that I drove form the age of 15 to 19 is however totaled. Since he needed to clean it out before the insurance company picks it up tomorrow and doesn't have a car he called and asked me to drive him the mechanic. When I saw how smashed up it was a little tear came to my eye I had some good times in that car. Went to my very first party in that little SL1 Saturn even though it was no longer my car it was sad to see it in such rough shape. I broke the driver side mirror off of it like 5 times, backed in to lord knows how many poles, slammed the tires into many curbs without the tires popping and had to by it a new hood in 2007 when I rear ended a car. I had some of the happiest moments of my high school life with my friends in that car. I did find one of the license plates I broke off when I rear ended a car in high school in the trunk so I took it with me cause I'm one of those people who finds sentimental value in the most random things.

Anyway after we cleaned out the car we went shopping to find me a pair of new sneakers which ended up taking a while. So I was gone from 2pm - 6pm (14:00 - 18:00) with no food what so ever until I got home and ate half an apple which brought me up to 376 cal. My head is killing me from lack of sleep and all the fresh fruit and veggies is making my body detox which is nice but it's causing spots (pimples I heard Keira Knightley call them that and I was like that makes it sound so much nicer then pimples) any who so I'm breaking out like a 13 year old during puberty. Ah so I have to put off the interesting events during my break til later because I just have to go to sleep. Talk to you ladies tomorrow keep up the the hard work.