FWD:

Hey ladies sorry I'm not blog happy right now but my computer is sucking ass.  My r key fell off which I didnt think was a big deal but then i started noticing how many words had r in them as i pounded on where the r use to be to get it to show up. So will be posting from my phone. I have been reading everyones blogs but because of my keyboard I'm not comenting.                                                                                                                           I had a really great weekend which is rare. On Friday I didnt really eat anything until around 8pm because I was going to work it all of dancing the night away at The Sounds (one of my favorite bands) concert. I took my brother with me because I have no friends which is cool because we get a long really well. I was excited because a few guys hit on me which hasnt happened since before I hit my high weight. My phone wont let me have more space so to be continued.

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Your work out routines/ A are you still there I miss you

Hey ladies so I was working on my action plan and then I got stuck. Now that I work for a major national gym I get free membership (score I know). Any who that's great and all but I've only belonged to a gym once before and that was last year when I was smoking a mad amount of weed with Charlie. Really never needed to work out because I gad such a fast metabolism. Except for the last 3 years (and I really didn't start putting on the weight till I started dating Charlie) I've always been in the 5 percentile for girls my age and my weight. Basically for the girls who where my age and my height I was one of only 5 percent who was that under weight. Believe me I ate like a cow because my doctor would yell at my parents for how under weight I was and ask them if they were feeding me. So they would shove junk food in front of me by the box full and when that didn't work they started filling my pants pockets with change and other stuff to way me down. Once my metabolism started to slow down I didn't know how to eat correctly and ballooned into the fat ass I now am in 2007-2008.

Back to the point so I never really had to work out like my brother and sister did so I don't know what to do at the gym. So if you ladies will tell me your gym routines so I have a starting point that would be great. I know a lot of you run but I can't run because I fucked up my knees playing basketball in my pre-teen/teen days.

I love all you ladies so much thank you so much for commenting and following me I've felt so alone for so long that it is nice to find people who finally just accept me and encourage me and don't care that I have mental problems. I've been searching my whole life for a group like you ladies and even though we are spread all over the world I feel so incredible close to all of you ahh I'm starting to cry. With that said I also want to say A I miss you I don't know if you are still reading or not but I love you and hope you are well please stop by and say hi.

Periods, starving and just random catch up stuff

I swear sometimes I feel like a medical freak. I say this because my last two periods have been 3 weeks long each. I only had one week of not having a period in between and according to my little tracking/predictor sit I use my next one will start on Friday. It's like the less I eating the heavier and longer it becomes which is the opposite of what should be happening. My body is so weird how the heck is a period lasting 3 weeks if I only eat a maximum of 500 calories per day I mean really? Let me tell you something about the 3 week period it makes me so emotional even I can't stand it. By the middle of week 2 I'm crying because of every little thing.

Moving on I successfully finished my first no food calorie fast last night. I say no food because I did have a large bottle of Gatorade Monday night because I had forgotten to bring water with me to work and was so ready to collapse after 4 hours of running around with little kids. I lost 3lbs off but I'm sure I put it back on because I'm staying at my parents house and they have cereal my weakness and I had a huge bowl of it already this morning which means no more food for the rest of the day. I'm so happy I was able to finish this fast without cheating because it lets me know that I really do want this and Ana hasn't left me.

I had really struggled with not eating last month it was terrible. I just couldn't control myself I mean one day I eat half a gallon on ice cream by myself. It was so disgusting I felt so gross but I couldn't stop I just kept eating. Now that feeling is gone and I crave being empty inside once more. Hearing my stomach start to beg for food puts the biggest smile on my face. Also with all that eating my CW isn't correct it's higher but I'm just going to leave it at 165 because I plan on being lower then that very soon. I'm going to make it to my goal I promise you that I've come to far had put up with too much pain to quit now.

My promise to myself is this by September I will have a weight between 115 - 119 lbs. I'm not going to fail I want my Hollywood body back and I will get it no more re-losing the same 5 lbs over and over again. If I get back into that cycle well then that just means I'm not good enough to be associated with you ladies.

I'm going to go think of my action plan now so I can post it tonight that way I have to stick to it because if I don't I will have to tell you ladies I have failed.

Remember ladies if you give into the pain you will never be thin

If you are taking hydroxycut please stop!!!!

I'm not back for a full post that will be starting up again next week when I start my part time job so my post will be more than the boring sitting alone doing nothing posts that I have written the last 3 months. I will also comment on your comments then too. Anyone who has been reading my blog from the start I will be going back to the format of my first posts which were much more happy and helpful to you ladies I feel.


Anyway anyone who is on hydroxycut please stop taking it if you have not heard yet the FDA is recalling this product. It is causing liver damage and death in people who have been taking it. Here in Minnesota there is at least on case of a 19 year old boy who died of liver failuer because of taking the stuff. I'm so glad I gave up on diet pills last year when my ED started showing up again and hydroxycut was the last one I was using before relizing those silly things don't really work and the ones that do usally cause cancer but then again taking a piss these days causes cancer to.

Have the class and balls to confront people face to face

I was just the victim of an intervention via Myspace. My "best friend" who hasn't giving me the time of day the past 3 or 4 months and another girl I'm not really friends with just fucking had an intervention with me via my myspace inbox. I know I'm repeating that but fucking hell what is wrong with people these days. I'm a big believer in when you have something important to say to someone you give them the respect to say it to their face. None of this sit over the internet or phones that's bull shit, god damn mother fucking son of a jackass' whore bull shit.

I was so angry with my "bestie" it's like hey I haven't contacted you for 4 months I either ignore your texts or give you a lame ass excuse why I can't talk to you or hang out but now that I think you've hit rock bottom I'm going to step in and yell at you for being a bitch and making me feel bad about trying to help you. She didn't try to help me not until now no she just let me sit alone in my apartment crying because once again I let someone into my life when I should have know better.

Oh my gosh you guys I gave her a piece of my mind of did I fucking give it to her. She acts like she's been this great friend who was there for me the whole time but she wasn't. You know even after I lost my job my depression was getting better all I needed was my best friend to talk to me and want to hang out with me like once a month. Instead she never had time for me I mean I even had to mail her the fucking birthday present I bought her because she was to sick or to tired or to busy or (oh and this one was my favorite excuse) had to shampoo her apartment carpet. Yeah I believe that one that's almost as believable as the break up line it's not you it's me.

Then she had the nerve to tell me to get help and you all know how pissed I get about people telling me to get help. Which mainly I get mad about because everyone thinks just because I'm depressed I can't have a bad day the moment I'm not perky and smiley and talking about how wonderful life is and it's just rainbows and butterflies that I'm having some sort of break down and I need to get help. It's like for fuck sake I may be depressed but you know what I'm still a person and people have bad days whether they are depressed or not. I'm not going to kill myself because I'm down for one day fuck. Ah I'm so worked up right now you have no idea fucking bitch doing a myspace intervention on me. Oh oh this was probably my best line she was all like you need to eat something and I was all like I do eat now (lies all lies) which you would know if you took the fucking time to pick up the phone and say hey Ana Nas what's going on with you.

Oh that was such a good line. So pissed off at her just want to kick her in the taint. Ok on a good note though I now have a part time job I was hired today to babysit kids at a fitness club. The lady took one look at my application and said so I see you have previous childcare experience want the job and I was like heck yes. So at least there was one positive thing out of this day even though I was so upset of the myspace intervention I ate junk food like there's no tomorrow.

I don't care.

Missed therapy today think my therapist is going to stop seeing me because of it I don't really care because she will just leave like everyone else. I want to cut myself so bad I don't remember the last time I cut it's been at least 2 months. I don't care anymore I've been so down and everyone gets mad at me for not pretending to be happy. I don't see myself going anywhere in life I don't see myself doing anything other than killing myself one day. I just don't know anymore can't get a job can't keep a friend, can't keep a therapist, all I do is sit alone sick of trying to get people to hang out with me because they never call back.

I'm getting to the point where I realize I should have never cleaned up people liked me better drugged up and drunk as hell at least I had friends then even if it was only guys who wanted to fuck an ugly whore. I don't know and I don't care if anyone reads this or not cause I've been to depressed to read the post you ladies write. Life just sucks when a friend says they are coming into town and can't wait to see you then you find out they are too busy for you and all you wanted was to hug someone who really cared. I guess I should have known better then to think someone who I care about actually cares back. I'm tempted to drive over to my ex best friends apartment and ring the buzzer and ask her to let me up because I'm sick of being alone. I just want to jump out my window nobody would even notice I'm missing.

I'm not in the mood to make up a title....

So I put my photos back for a few more days for anyone who didn't get to see them before. I don't ask me why cause I had to be crazy to post them in the first place.



I saw this posted on this week Post Secret and I started to cry.
1) because I feel this way all the time and just to see it written out like that was overwhelming to me.

2) The city in the back ground is Minneapolis, MN where I live well I live in a suburb of Minneapolis. The thing that really made me start to cry about this secret was I've walked down that street thinking the same exact thing, I've driven down that street thinking that same exact thing.

Hand to God I'm not making it up and I was not the one to sent this post card to Post Secret. I don't know I'm sure it's not that amazing but it is to me because in a weird way it made me feel like I wasn't so alone after all on a day when I felt like everyone had finally abandoned me.