Hi everybody

Been over a week since I last posted I apologize had mid-terms the last two weeks so I've been busy. Now it's spring break woo hoo which means a perfect time for a little fasting I'm excited I can't wait to start.

My parents are in Las Vegas for the weekend which gives me a much needed break from them and their constant nagging plus I get to drink openly instead of hiding bottles of Vodka and Gin under my bed. I'm not a big drinker anymore like when I started this blog I drank every night until I passed out or blacked out. Now I just have 1 or 2 drinks and now longer every night. Which is good because the last thing my fat ass needs is more calories. Another plus to no parents I don't have to pretend to eat which makes me so excited.

I talked to my sister tonight and I told her that I'm the reason she shouldn't have children. I'm a little pissed tonight because I'm watching Public Enemies which was filmed in Wisconsin which is Minnesota's neighbor (I was born, raised, and still live in Minnesota) but was denyed a part because I'm 5'10" and they were using actual clothing from the 30's which means that the women they used had to be 5'7" or shorter so I was denied a part. I could have worked with my idol Johnny Depp but was shot down. Being so close to working with your idol only to be told no makes you a little bitter. How do you get rid of the bitterness you drink your fucking brains out. Yeah I said I only had one or two drinks a night when I did drink but now that I'm watching this movie I got really angry and started drinking my beloved Vodka. Hopefully that it's just a sign that I'm meant for bigger and better things.

Sorry Naomi for not following through with my promises to catch up on your blog things just got crazy for me. Just remember I love you girl and I will catch up on your blog soon. This week is spring break so I have nothing better to do then bite the inside of my mouth to self harm and catch up on blogs.

I failed!!!

I cut myself today.

Being measured for a dress is blah blah make me puke gross

So I went and got measured for my bridesmaid dress and it was not pleasant at all. I wont give you my exact size but lets just say I ended up being sized in the lower double digits. I felt bad for the lady measuring me though because as some of you know I have the mouth of a sailor (please don't bitch me out for that comment I don't mean any disrespect for people in the Navy it's just an expression) and when she showed me the size I saw getting I screamed 'fuck me up my fat ass look at what a tub of lard I am I told you I was a whale mom'. So I spent the last few days only eating 2 meals both days because they where family gatherings. Tomorrow I'm only eating breakfast then Tuesday I'm not eating anything at all. I haven't had a fast day in forever I'm actually looking forward to it. I miss feeling lightheaded when I stand up I now that sounds so fucked up but it means I doing good when it happens. I would do a fast tomorrow but I have the longest most boring class in the world tomorrow night and need some energy to get through it. I mean it's hard enough to stay awake in that class when I do eat before it. So wish me luck for the next few days ladies if all goes well on Tuesday I may extend my fast day by day until I can't take it anymore.

Before I go into my novel for Naomi it's time for my ending statement thought thingy. Today is a little bit different then the normal words of parting about weight and food and shit today's ending line is for me.

It's been 3 months since I've cut myself longest I've ever gone so go me!! I still hurt myself some times but I'm not cutting or burning myself anymore I hope I can keep this up.

Naomi my sweet girl I've missed you so much too. I'm sorry I stopped emailing you things just got so crazy. Then I tought you were mad at me because you didn't comment on any of my posts that I sent from my phone and then I found out that you weren't commenting because my phone posts weren't showing up. I should have e-mailed but I'm suck a non-confrontational person that I didn't because I didn't want us to get into a screaming match and I was just being stupid. Part of me was trying to push you away because I didn't want to be hurt by another person when really I should have asked you for help. You really are the first person I've ever met that got everything about me. It's so weird I always felt like you were a younger version of me when it comes to our disfunctions which made me excited to have someone who finally understood all of what I was going through but made me sad because as much as I've wanted to find someone like you I never really wanted to find someone like you because I knew that meant someone felt pain I've felt. And truthfully I wouldn't wish that pain on my worst enemy. Ah look at me babbling like always just know I love you hun and I'm going to be catching up on your blogs in the next few days so expect to get a lot of comments from me.

Fuck!!!!! A new friend

So I made a friend an honest to goodness real person friend. He is so awesome and gay as gay can be and I mean like drag queen gay. Of course we hit it off right away when he looked at me the first day of class a month ago and said "giiiirrrrlll you are my new best friend" before I even said one word to him. I've been very gaurded around him though I'm scared he's going to bolt like everyone else. I swore to myself that I wouldn't allow myself to get close to anyone until I move to California after I finish school. This is going to end badly like always I can feel it in my bones he is going to figure out just how crazy I am and bolt like everyone does. I forgot how draining it is to put on the I'm not fucked up and I love everything about me act when you aren't numb inside act is. I pretty much go home after school and sleep because it just takes everything I have to put this act on and deal with the guilt of lying to my new and in person friend. Fuck what the hell did I get myself into again I know better than to get close to people but I fucking give in every time I need to be stronger and not let anymore people in who aren't part of the eating disorder/depressed online community here on blogger. Oh man I don't want him to leave in a year or so and cause me to end up loosing it again I can't end up on another 72 hour hold there are only so many times I can talk my way out of being put in the mental hospital before they stop listening and put you there anyway.

I don't know what to do or how to deal with this friend thing. I mean what should I tell him about my problems what shouldn't I tell him how soon is to soon to know your new best friend is fucked up beyond repair? Why the fuck are people so confusing I mean despite my issues I'm a pretty straight forward girl I mean what I say and I say what I mean and all that jazz with a bit of tact thrown in so I don't come off as a complete bitch but when it comes to letting people in I just freak out. I hate people for the most part I really do.

I don't know I will be back tomorrow to write again because I have to get measured for my bridesmaid dress. God it's going to be a disaster and I'm going to have the fact that I'm a fat ass thrown in my face. I've been holding steady at my weight but it's because I've plateaued so I'm not to pleased with myself right now but that's for tomorrows post.

Remember ladies when it comes to losing weight you are in it to win it.

Stupid phone post not showing up

What the hell? I didn't have a lot of time to be on the computer for recreation last month so I decided to post form my phone. Now I see they never showed I must have done something wrong. At least I now know why I never got any comments on anything I wrote. I just thought it was because my post were boring. Hehe all I can do is laugh about it and find time to post from my computer.

Life is pretty much the same shit happening over and over. Although today Mom made me cry by making me doubt my ability to ever become a successful theater actor. I had my first acting assessment today which is where you are given a part in a scene and you get up on stage and the director/professor grades you. I had four lines and I bombed. I got so nervous it was the first time I've been on stage in 5 years and I was nervous as hell. The moment I got up there I let my nerves get the best of me I swear I thought I was going to toss my cookies in the middle of the scene. So I told my Mom what happened basically already feeling emotional about it. She looked at me and said 'well this is why I always thought you should just stay with backstage stuff anyway you never had the confidence to be an actor'. I tried to argue that I use to be confident because if I wasn't I would have never gotten cast in any plays in high school. So just told me I was wrong and I just walked away trying not to break down in front of her.

I just don't understand why my parents hate me so much. I'm trying so hard not to break down right now. Maybe I'm just being over sensitive because I've had my girly time for almost three weeks now after only having a week off in between this one and the last one. I don't know just hearing that come from her mouth hurts so fucking much I would give anything to be numb again. This hurts almost as bad as when I told my parents I was sexually assaulted and Dad looked me in the eyes and said 'I told you that was going to happen to you' and people wonder why I have no self esteem. I guess I'm just going to spend the rest on my night curled up on the couch upstairs spaced out waiting for sleep to claim me maybe I will find numbness again.

I'm really sorry this post is another sad one I really did have a bunch of upbeat ones I sent from my phone I really thought things might be looking up for me but like always I was wrong. Well I guess on a positive not I'm getting my mid-life crisis over in my 20's so my 40's should be smooth sailing right......right.

Quick thanks

Just stopping by to say thanks to those of you who left comments and those who didn't but read my ramblings. I wish I had a family as understanding as all of you. You ladies are so amazing even though I up and disappeared on all of you in an attempt to appease my family and make them proud of me you welcomed me back with open arms and without demanding and explanation or apology. I am going to apologize for it taking so long to get my head out of my ass and realizing that I left behind an amazing community of people who understand me for family that will never accept me. Just thank you thank you thank you for being the family I always wished I had. I'm so excited to catch up on all of your blogs, lend my support and to restart my blogging on a regular basis. Tomorrow starts operation no more weakness I'm so pumped.

Stay Strong ladies I love you all.

Sorry the next few days I will be posting about family/depression issues not eating habit related

Yes, I am going to feel sorry for myself in this post and I don't care because I need it right now I just need to let it all out and type and cry and not have to apologize for my actions. This post probably wont flow to well because I don't plan on reading it after I'm done I'm just posting right away when I finish because it's about getting the emotions out not composition.

So my sister called me tonight and bitched me out about my behavior. I haven't want to hurt myself in awhile yes there was the vicodin/drinking at Christmas because I just wanted to feel numb again. Tonight I really want to just cut and bruise and burn every inch of my body. I decided that posting would probably take my mind off of things so here I am. She just went on and on about how I've messed up and need to pull my life together and how she's sick of having to forgive me for being a fuck up. I didn't say much besides okay because I was holding back tears. When she finally said she didn't want to be around me because I say things that make people sad. Then she asked me why I didn't want to be a "normal" happy person and I finally couldn't hold in and cried so hard. She back peddled and say she cared and didn't mean to hurt me but the damage is done. I know I will forgive her for what she said but I wont ever forget it. For the rest of our lives I will never be the real Nas in front of her it will always be an act. Even one day when I get better and I'm that wicked funny carefree lovable girl again she will never truly see that because I will always be on guard afraid she still thinks I'm fucked up or insane in someway because of her intervention. I fucking hate interventions they wouldn't be so bad if people went about them the right way but they don't do they. No, they don't instead of being caring and concerned they are mean and throw every little thing you've done wrong in your face and belittle you until you are a sobbing mess on the floor. It makes me bitter it makes me not want to get help it makes me want to go fucking insane. Yes, I get it she is angry at me for Christmas (I so can't even get into that right now) but that doesn't give her the right to be a bitch it really doesn't. She just doesn't get it she doesn't understand what I'm going through and when I try to explain she gets angry and tells me that I'm not even trying. I am trying in fact I've been making good progress with my depression on my own but nobody sees that they just see the one slip up and that's what they are all waiting for. They don't want to praise me for my progress they want to find a reason to rip me to shreds to make me feel ashamed of being depressed and never talk about it.

You know what fuck my sister and fuck my parents maybe they are ashamed of me and what I've gone through but I'm not I'm fucking proud of myself. I'm fucking proud that I hit rock bottom once or twice but didn't give up on life I kept fighting. I shouldn't even be alive right now but I fought I pulled myself up after trying to kill myself a year ago when my family do nothing but avoid me. They shoved me in the shitty apartment and forgot about me while I battled back with nobody by my side. I'm proud of the fact that I can admit that I struggle with self harm because it made my 13 year old cousin tell me that she's starting to do the same things. She gets the one thing I never had and wanted more then anything when I started hurting myself she gets a person who understands. I get to tell her I understand and it's going to be okay you aren't alone. I will be helping to prevent her from the hurt and self hate many of us go through everyday and if that makes my family ashamed then like I said fuck them.