Tuesday, December 30, 2008

The other day I was feeling pretty bad about my past posts the other day. I always feel like when I talk about my problems everyone thinks I'm just trying to make people feel sorry for me. I don't want sympathy truthfully I don't feel like I deserve that I never have and never will. Look I started this blog to finally be able to stop holding everything inside and maybe find people who relate to me so they don't feel alone anymore.

Look my little title description thing warns you that this blog isn't going to be about rainbows, puppy dogs and all that other happy shit that makes me sick. So I say if people don't like that I "bitch" too much well then you can fuck off. Look I'm not writing this in response to anything or because someone said something I don't really know why I decided to write this. Probably because I was going to write more about my day and just didn't want to feel like I was burdening people with my problems. I don't want to feel guilty about what I write because I'm all paranoid about what people think. I will probably write about my day later but I think this is enough for right now.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Not having a great few days way to much eating. I had to eat last night for Moms birthday but today ugh I was just being little miss oinky oinky fat pig. First I ate a bunch of chocolate covered pretzels that my best friend bought while we were at work. Then after work I decided to continue my fat cow quest and got Subway. I was only going to eat half of it but I ended up eating the whole thing so I tried to purge it but because I didn't really drink anything with it the sandwich just wouldn't come up blah such a fat cow. I'm thinking about going to get a shake and a cheese burger and then throwing that up because that always works but I don't want chance it especially since I ate so much already today.

Add that with the fact that my depression has gotten to the point where after work I just come home and collapse from exhaustion that I'm unable to exercise and things aren't looking to good. I have to get back on track with eating it's the only thing that I have to satisfy my inner Ana. Ugh at least I haven't cut myself in a week so I mean I'm still somewhat in control. I just need to pull it together I still haven't even gotten out to find new vitamins yet so I'm sure that's not helping with the energy levels either.

Anna I was wondering if you could tell me what you take so I can just run to the healthy food store and pick it up. I would really appreciate it if you could help me out.

Remember ladies the most beautiful people in the world are thin

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Had two bowls of ice cream with chocolate syrup today. I'm not angry or upset at all because I was eating it with my mom. She had surgery yesterday and even though it was only a day surgery where you go in for surgery and stay in the hospital for a few hours after then go home. It was just nice to have that moment with her today cause I really love my mom and would be really sad if I lost her.

I am upset about how much I ate last night with my best friend though. God I like pigged out like the fat girl I am. She is the only person who can make me eat and she knows it. I felt little better because she kept telling me how much thinner I have been looking. She was like I'm so jealous of you I wish I looked as good as you do right now. I know she was probably only saying it to make me eat but I really needed to hear that from someone. Ah...she needs to stop making me eat or I'm going to end up being so chunky yuck. So no more eating until tomorrow night for moms birthday dinner which shouldn't be to hard since I only eat once a day on eating days anyway.

Blah need to stop thinking about food or I'm going to get hungry. New tip that may help you or may not but thought I'd put it out there. On days that I'm not eating I keep two glasses/bottles of water by me at all times. One with full of warm water and one with ice cold water which I alternate taking drinks from. This way I'm able to make myself feel full with the warm water while still burning those calories with the cold water. I don't know it seemed to make fasting a hell of a lot easier because I wasn't feeling as hungry maybe it was just a mental thing but it really seemed to work.

Hope all you ladies are shedding those holiday pounds remember ask someone to show you beauty and they will show you a thin person.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Thanks for all the support guys I just have been so down lately. Yeah I'm getting help for it and all but right now nothing seems to be helping but spending time with the family seemed to help a bit. As angry as I can get with them I've been through enough shit in my short 22 years to know that my family are the only people in the world that will always stand by me. I feel really lucky in that way because not everyone has a family like that.

Anyway I did really good at both family events I ate very little in fact everyone was asking me if I had eaten anything or why I was eating so little. I just said that I was watching my weight trying to get back down to a healthy weight (Which I am a "healthy" weight according to doctors) again and everyone one was like oh good for you and I thought you looked a lot thinner. That felt really good to hear. Got on the scale a few minutes ago and after 2 days of eating yummy bad for me food I only gained 2 pounds. Granted gaining is never good but it was only 2 lbs so I really kept in control. Ah control I love control I love it I love it I love it. Everyday I'm closer to becoming perfectly broken closer to becoming perfect I will be perfect. Although I do want Ice cream right now but I had to watch my girls next door dvd to make sure I don't binge plus most things are closed on Christmas day helps to.

So I'm still feeling down but I not nearly as bad as Monday. Hope you ladies didn't eat too much at the Christmas gathering. BTW Hana I like to do pot to get out of my suicide funks so your not alone I would love some coke but everyone I know who sells coke wont sell it to me because I'm depressed IDK. I like to drink with my best friend when I'm depressed drinking alone is never good.

Remember ladies thinner is the winner.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

I tried to kill myself on Monday obviously it didn't work. I'll that happened was I ended up sleeping for 24 hours which caused me to have a no call no show to work so I will probably be fired. That will be job number 4 this year God I suck at life. I apparently I suck at trying to kill myself too. I feel really bad about it but people just kept pushing and pushing and pushing and I just couldn't take it anymore. I'm really kind of glad that I didn't die because that would have made my Mom really sad and this Christmas has been really hard on her already with it being the first one without Grandma (her mom). Just having a really hard time right now because all I keep thinking about is how happy I was at this time last year and now how much I hate myself. Even though I was really fat last year I was loved and it didn't matter because he loved me. God I just want to be loved again I just want someone to want to be with me I just want someone to want to be with me. I want to cut myself so much I just want to close my eyes and never open them again.

I must be strong must try to make it through this try to hold it together for another day

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Merry Fucking Christmas another family gathering where everyone in both sides of family get to see I'm still the fattest of the 3 kids in my family. I tell you this it will be the last holiday they get to think that hehe. On Ester they will be thinking how thin I am and one of the other 2 will get to see what it feels like to be the fat kid in the family. Sticking to water the rest of the day except for at dinner when I will be eating a little so as not to attract attention to my eating disorder. So like I said before Merry Fucking Christmas I have lots to say but no time to say it time to go bye 1 more gift then it's off to the family gathering.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Total broke the fast today lasted about 2 days before I couldn't take it anymore. Well I probably would have been fine but I had to go to the grocery store to buy cake food and it was all down hill after that. I was in there for like 2 hours picking something up walking in a circle back to the aisle I was just in to put it back. I was thinking about getting white rice because the really thin people I hang out with eat it like all the time and they are twigs. Then I picked up the box and saw it was 200 hundred calories per serving I said screw this there is no way in hell I'm eating 200 calories with a cup of rice. I finally left with Kitty food, whole wheat bread and a Kit Kat bar. I really wasn't planning on eating it was more of a comfort thing. The thought of not having anything to eat was freaking me out but anyway that's not the point. I had to break the fast because I ended up passing out today in my apartment which is really scary because I live by myself so if I would have cracked my head open there would have been nobody around to find me. When I can to like 3 minutes later I decided that I needed to eat something so I had a piece of the Kit Kat bar and some bread. I'm starting it again tomorrow I can't eat til Wednesday night I will not allow myself to pig out. I will not give in to hunger I will not be weak I can do this I know I can failure is no longer an option for me.

Thanks Shopia I feel better knowing that everyone is a bitch the first time. I'm also glad to know it gets easier each time I can't wait for that. The last few days I have felt like I was going through puberty all over again hehe. So just going to eat another piece of bread and then I'm done eating for the night. I got my fruit juice and crystal light ice cubes all frozen and ready so if I get dizzy, light headed or pass out in the next few days I will be able to pop a juice ice cube in my mouth and get my strength back. Woo here we go again ladies round two and I'm ready for it.

I found this website while I was searching the Internet today. 8 pages of thinspo nice mix of models and real thin girls.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Having a bad day really cranky don't really want to talk about it just wanted to get that off my chest. Sorry ladies I'm just a little cranky because I'm doing my first water/coffee fast (without my once a day snack for my pills) and the hunger is making me a little edgy today. Going to try and keep it up until Christmas Eve dinner.

Keep reaching for those goals ladies I know you can be thin and sexy.

Had binge number two of the week Thursday night. Drank a half gallon of Low Fat Chocolate milk and a big piece of cake. Yuck I've never drank a half gallon of any milk as fast as I did during the that horrible binge. I have to tell my therapist that I'm just to busy weeks that she isn't able to see me on my day off. I'm just not able to deal with it when I haven't had time to prepare myself for all the different emotions. Just thinking about it is making me hungry so I'm going to clean the litter box so I don't eat anything and have some more water. I didn't eat anything on Friday and I'm going to eat very little today geez....shut up stomach I don't know why you keep making noise I'm not going to feed you so shut up shut up.

anyway thanks for letting me know about the vitamins Anna I will have to go to GNC tomorrow and get some better ones.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

I stopped taking my multivitamin a few days ago I know it's really bad because I'm not getting nutrients from food. I had to they were starting to make me feel sick. It really didn't hit how much they kept me going until today. I'm so exhausted I know I know I'm always exhausted but this isn't normal sad depression exhaustion it's different it's heavier if that makes sense. I don't know I better start taking them again tomorrow to fix this problem but for now I'm off to bed because I can hardly keep my eyes open tonight. I have so much that I wanted to say but can't get the words to string together right.

Hope the rest of you are working hard to show off those bones. Stay strong ladies

Yeah I'm okay after the date from hell just really disappointed in him. Besides that been having a good week eating wise. Well except for the binge on Monday after 2 days without food. Otherwise I have been able to keep it under 600 calories a day. I'm really excited that I'm getting to the point again where I don't get those hunger pains anymore. When I was at my lowest weight I got to a point where I was never hungry and I had to force myself to eat the little bits I did so now that I'm feeling that way again I'm really excited. I just need to get the exercising back on track now and the weight should start coming off like crazy.

I must say that I'm also really happy that even though I'm losing weight left and right my boobs seem to be staying the same which makes me happy. I know they are just fat and fat is gross but I like my boobs and boys like my boobs. Oh well if it means I'm thin then I will deal with it I mean they probably wont fully go away but they wont be as awesome as they are now. The only perk to being a fat girl was the great chest but since that is the only perk I'm willing to give them up.

Anyway not much to talk about just been running around getting ready for Christmas. Just 3 more presents to buy and I'm done. It will be so nice not having to deal with crowded parking lots and long lines.

Hope all you ladies are losing that weight before the Holiday gathering with the family.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

I hope this makes sense because my head hurts to much to read over this before I post it if it doesn't I will fix it later tonight. Didn't eat at all yesterday that's about the only thing good that happened. Ah my date sucked ass so here's what happened in a nut shell.

He was trying to hang out in my apartment to get in my pants I told him no and if he wasn't going to take me out on a date he should leave. He decided he didn't want to leave so agreed to go to a movie with me. Didn't want to see the movie I wanted to see and I didn't want to see what he wanted to see. I got pissed because he was trying to make me agree to stay at my apartment where he would try to convince me to have sex but I wasn't budging and now I'm being a bitch because I'm pissed. I was sexually assaulted once and now when I say now I fucking mean no don't try anything funny or I will fuck you up. I mean before the assault when I said no I meant no but now if you try something I will resort to violence to protect myself. Really fucked up part is that he knows that happened and he was my shoulder to cry on yet he doesn't seem to care.

Anyway back to the story of the worst date I've had in a few years. So he knew that I wasn't falling for his tricks so now he said that in order to see the movie I want to see I have to win a coin toss. I'm even more pissed off now because not only is he not treating me with respect but I just want to go out to a funny movie and laugh. I won the coin toss we go to the theater and the whole way in he is walking two feet behind me. I really couldn't figure out why at first I thought is he looking at my ass.....no that is covered my my bulky winter coat.......well maybe he feels bad for being an ass. Well it was neither it was because he didn't want to pay for the tickets. That's right not only is he now not respecting but he is also being a cheep ass hole.

Oh it only gets better from there believe me. He goes wait a minute I want some candy so he goes up to the counter orders something for himself doesn't even ask me if he can get me something God forbid he shell out like 5 bucks on me after I bought his fucking ticket. I would have said no anyway I'm a fucking Anorexic. So he gets his candy we go in the theater and he doesn't even offer to even give me a piece again fucking Anorexic I wouldn't have eaten it but it would have been the polite thing to do.

But it's still not done yet I really wanted it to be but it wasn't. So he drives me home and you could cut the tension between us with a butter knife. So I'm thinking he has to feel that this isn't working I'm sure he will just drop me off and leave. Oh I was so wrong he invited himself up to my apartment becuase he still thought he was going to get some. I can't understand why because I told him I'm not having sex with him. So he sits on my couch like practically ontop of me and turns on the Football game and is still trying to put the moves on but it just isn't happening. So then his cell phone goes off and guess what it is that's right the dude text me at this time to give me an excues to leave if I'm not getting any text. Then he asks me if we will hang out again soon and I give in the most shocked trying not to laugh in his face look and say maybe but I'm pretty busy with work and stuff so I don't know. Next time he calls I'm just going to be like you know what this isn't going to work I'm just not feeling it.

Oh oh I forgt to tell you he had the nerve to text me and ask me why I was so willing to give it up before my ex but not after my ex. I just looked at him and said I've grown up I was very self destructive back then (still am but he doesn't need to know that) and the ex treated me right treated me with respect. He showed me that I shouldn't except anything less then a man how treats me right so I no longer sleep with people who don't back off when I say no.

Also to top it off it was freezing rain today so my car doors where frozen shut and when I finally got them open and got in the car it wouldn't start so now I have to take the bus to work tomorrow which means I have to leave at like 6 am to be at work at 8am. Oh well at least I didn't eat a thing yesterday just drank so chocolate coffee which is higher calories then the black coffee I have started to drink to give my body something to keep my pills from fucking with my tummy

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Did amazing today only about 550 cals (yes way to get back on track Ana) I'm feeling energized because of it. Well that might be from trying a bunch of different coffees today trying to find the one I liked best. It's so bitter I just want to add some sugar and cream but I just keep telling myself to suck it up and drink it. Thanks for the suggestion K the Dunkin Donut Coffee was probably the best plain coffee I tried today.

Hopefully the caffeine will keep me up long enough to get ready for the date I have tomorrow. I'm really excited to go on a date with this guy because even when I was over 200lbs he would always tell me how gorgeous I was. Honestly it wasn't just to get in my pants either because he knew I wouldn't cheat on my ex. The last time I saw him I was just a bitch because I had just been released from the hospital stay so I hope things go better. I can't wait till he sees how thin I've gotten since we last hung out. I'm no where near where I want to be but I'm getting there. I just have to find away to let him know that I'm not really ready for a serious relationship yet I'm just looking to go on some casual dates to get use to being on the market again. Also to let him know that I'm not using him as a practice date that this could turn into something more just not right now.

Anyway I'm off to pluck the eyebrows, shave my legs and just run around in circles from all the caffeine.

Remember to keep staving ladies and don't let anyone stop you from reaching your goals.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Spent the last two days staying with my best friend which helped. Just trying not to binge today been doing pretty good so far. I get so hungry late at night because those old stoner habits of late night runs to Taco Bell yuck that place is so gross. Running around at work all day made me feel a little better today just got to stay away from food for the rest of the night and it will be a good day. Just going to go bed I'm not even going to talk about what is on my mind today because I just don't want to ruin this almost perfect day of just eating 3 fun size candy bars.

BTW I'm just starting to drink coffee and just wondering if anyone has any suggestions for which brand to try I'm not a big fan of Folgers but any suggestions would help.

No thinspo quote today just keep working hard ladies

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

I'm going out with my bestie tonight so I'm posting early today. Uneventful day sat around doing nothing because I have $50 in the savings account and around $100 in the checking. Being poor is really starting to stress me out. It's not like I just became poor or anything I've been there for awhile but this is the first time in my life I've been poor to the point that I can no longer afford my to pay my bills.

I feel as though I will continue to sink never making my way back to the surface. I know the economy is bad and that everyone is having trouble making it but it makes me angry to know that I wouldn't be in this situation if I was a different person. If I had been a stronger person I could have had more control I could have held off the emotions longer. I had pushed everything down and kept it inside since I was 15 you think I could have held it in until January at least then things have been a little better. I can't even afford Christmas and everyone says just make stuff for your family this year but I can't even afford the supplies to make presents. I'm just praying that the bills I couldn't pay this month don't get sent to the bill collectors and that they don't shut off my power. My power bill was only $48 and I didn't even have the money for that. Life is getting so hard for me that I'm thinking about ending it all. I know there are people in other parts of the world that have things a lot worse then I do so don't feed me that bull shit I've herd it a million times from my parents. I'm so greatful to my bestie for knowing exactly what it feels like to be in my position and is letting me stay with her tonight because I shouldn't be alone right now because I don't want end up doing something stupid.

I'm greatful for the support I get from you ladies especially when it comes to bingeing. Thank you a million times I'm sure I will never be able to express just how much it means to me that people take time to just read what I write.

Stay strong ladies

Monday, December 8, 2008

Few days off from blogging clear the head did some good not feeling as negative today. Wanted to take a take a walk when the snow storm hit. It was the perfect snow though big fluffy flakes that are perfect for catching on your tongue. It was a little sad though as I was catching them I found myself wondering if they had any calories. I know right how weird is that I guess that's what happens when ana runs your life.

I had been doing ok on the eating but fudged it up today. Had therapy today instead of Wednesday like normal so I hadn't prepared myself mentally for it. Normally I prepare myself because after my sessions I want to go to the Dairy Queen next door for an Oreo Blizzard or just pig out but am able to control myself with the prep work. Today I had to work and drive in a snow storm and blah blah blah and after the session I went across the street and had some McDonald's and felt so gross after wards. I tried to puke it up but it wouldn't come up so instead I walked back and forth between my little apartment with weights in my hands. Ended up taking a break to post then it's back to working out.

It's days like this though I wish I had the money to have a gym membership but let's face it when you only make $10.85 an hour and have close to $6000 in hospital bills it's just not going to happen. Got to get back to the exercising to work off my mistake.

It was really good to hear from you A I just worry when I don't hear from people in awhile like I'm really nervous about not hearing from Nobody in awhile. Thanks to everyone for keeping me going and giving me a little slap in the face and bringing back to reality when I need it I appreciate it ladies.

Remember what I should have earlier today just say no and keep your mouth closed

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Quick post then I'm not coming back till Monday not that anyone cares. I just have one sentence to say and here it goes.

Got stood up yet again probably cause I'm a fat ass and everyone hates me way to go ugly.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Good eating day only ate 500 calories. Been trying to eat the real food but it is making me so hungry I just need a candy bar those always keep me full and I was so thin when that was the only thing I ate all day. I eat half a chicken breast today in front of my friend she was so proud that I ate it that she started telling me what a good girl I was like I was her dog.

Ready to go to bed I wasn't suppose to work until 1 pm today but I got called in at 11 am then worked til 9pm. Those bastards can't do anything unless I'm there. I know it's my department but still come on do I have to get called in for ever little thing they can't figure out. How hard is it to make a copy geez. Ah.....sorry ladies I'm so negative lately I just I don't know.

Oh and A I hope you still read sometimes. I really really miss you and just hope you are doing good. I think I'm going to maybe take a few days off from posting I think I really just need to clear my head and get my shit together.

Keep starving Ladies

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Still not drinking enough water and didn't exercise at all today. Spent most of my day crying because for the first time in my life I was able to open up about finding my uncle after he committed suicide when I was 4. Therapist always get really interested in me when they find that fact out. I don't tell many people about it but it's always in the back of my mind. Doctors think it's probably the under lying cause for the depression. It's probably why I seem so cold to people because I don't want to get close to people and have them leave me so if I'm shy and don't open up to people I wont get hurt. Now I wish I had someone to hug me and tell me they knew what I felt like. Sad thing is it will never happen because I've seen something most people in my country at least will never see never have to experience first hand. As much as I love my uncle and wish he was here with me I hate him for the choice he made. I was 4 years old and that was the day my childhood ended. So I've been the little 35 year old since that day thanks for fucking me up for the rest of my life uncle I love you too.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Still feeling pretty low don't really want to talk. Now I know why people hate hearing me talk I'm so boring. Anyway I've stopped trying to eat real food because it just makes me want to eat more. Instead I find like eating a Crunch Candy bar at 6:30am keeps me full all day. I don't know it's probably because when I was a swimmer I use to be a sprinter. So instead of my coaches letting me eat fruit and pasta they would be like 15 minutes before you race chow down a snickers bar then don't eat anything until 15 minutes before your next race. So I normally I would swim the freestyle which was at like 7am and the back stroke which was like at 1pm at the earliest. I guess in my head I have always just learned to convince my body that the candy bar will keep me full all day. Need to drink more water though it just gets so hard when it starts to get cold out. Tomorrow is my day off from work woo hoo but it's also therapy day boo. Also the day when I get to take like 3 to 4 really long walk normally I get 1 short and one long. Plus it's wasted Wednesday (I'm trying to get that to catch on) with the bestie.

Five Finger Death Punch Lyrics that reminds me of Ana
"Well I'm so empty/I'm better off with out you and your better off without me"
The Bleeding

"As wicked as you are you're beautiful to me/You're the darkest burning star your my perfect disease"
The Bleeding

"I wont eat another rotten apple/though I've grown to like the taste"
White Knuckles

Here's on for the mias
"I'm taking back control with my knuckles/I'm taking back control with my knuckles"
White Knuckles

Monday, December 1, 2008

I cut myself again today. First on my leg and didn't even bother to try and stop the bleeding then on my hip so I had something to remind me I'm still alive tomorrow at work. I'm just ready to fall asleep after I stopped slipping into naps around 8 pm didn't sleep at all last night. I just want some ice cream with Oreo cookies in it and a chocolate shake and a chocolate malt and some cake and some other yummy junk food I can't have because it will make me fat. I just lost 2 pounds in one day and I don't want to gain it back. Just need to keep my eyes open til 8pm when Gossip Girl ends then I can go to bed. Stay strong stay strong I just want to be down another 7lbs by Christmas. I know that isn't a hard goal to reach but since I don't wont to put too much expectation on myself when I'm feeling so low lately.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Feeling a little better today. I'm extremely tired even though I went to bed around 11:15pm last night and slept until about 5pm today. All this sleep is because my depression has been really bad the last week or so. I haven't been able to get out of bed which has helped me not eat but I'm not getting in any exercise which makes me angry. Just laying on the couch slipping in and out of sleep hardly able to move. My arms feel like they are full of cement my legs feel like lead and my head is heavy I have to rest it on my shoulder to keep it up. The only part of me that is able to move correctly is my fingers. My wrists and hands feel as though they are glued to my laptop and my fingers move gracefully and unaffected across the keys as my wrists feel like they are glued to the laptop. Why did this pick me why didn't my older sister and younger brother end up with some of the family diseases too why did they all land on me. Why am I the only one to be effected why am I always the one.

It doesn't really matter now does it. I have the gate way learning disability ADD you have that you are bound to get depression you get the depression you are likely to get the anorexia or bulimia you get the anorexia or bulimia and you get the self destruction you get the self destruction you get the self loathing. I just want to understand why God or science or what ever higher power(s) you believe in decided that I was the one to be fucked up. I don't think I will ever get those answers not until I die someday and hopefully make it to the gates of heaven get my like 5 minutes with God and as he or she is ready to answer the why do we exist or the what is the meaning of life questions I pull out the why did you decide out of the three of us kids that I was going to be the one who got all the mental problems. Don't get me wrong I don't wish my pain on my siblings or any person ever. I just really needed to get some self loathing off my chest I guess. On a positive note for the few hours I've been up there has been no blood and the pain is gone it's just gut rot (nausea) now so I'm thinking yesterday was just a weird day.

Remember ladies mind over matter and I wont get fatter.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Some Gwen Stefani thinspo for you I want to be as thin as her some day very soon I remember when Tragic Kingdom came out in 1995 I thought she was the coolest chick ever. The 90's were awesome!!!!


I feel so sick it's been just terrible been downing the Pepto like it's crack. I think I really need to see a doctor because it's gotten kind of scary. This is kind of embarrassing to say and I apologize in advance for this next statement cause it might gross you out. I was at work on break and thought I was about to get the runs so I run to the bathroom but it wasn't the runs it was blood. I had blood leaking out my ass OK so I laughed about it at first because it reminded me of that South Park ep. where Cartman thinks he got his period but he was leaking blood from the ass because of a stomach virus.

I know I should go to the doctor but I don't have insurance from my new job yet and my temporary insurance doesn't cover what it said it would so I'm fucked. I wouldn't be able to afford it anyway my credit card is maxed out from the hospital bills from the suicide hold in September. Do you know it cost me $3000 just for the hospital room and food. They fed me maybe 4 times and forced me to stay in the hospital with no insurance which I told them I didn't have and they have the balls to make me pay for it. Add another $2000 for the doctors and the emergency room and the lab work and it's like are you fucking kidding me. I am lucky that I have parents that were like we will help you as much as we can and they did it wasn't much but it was a little bit which was better then nothing. Still it was like they ass raped my bank account those bastards. Plus I deserved to be smacked around for not holding it together til after I got insurance.

Blah any way I'm feeling really crappy right now my stomach like hurts but not like if I had cramps just a dull constant pain it suck so much. I'm going to try and sleep it off and pray it's nothing serious I've been avoiding the bathroom since like 1:30 this afternoon because I don't want it to happen again. My friend says that if it's still happening tomorrow she will drag my small ass (that's right she said small even in all my sickness I perked up a little hearing that even though I'm still a fat ass in my head) to the doctor herself. For now it's more Pepto and off to bed. Which sucks because I was going to see Twilight tonight because I love those books and Robert Pattinson is future ex-husband number 3. Anyway hope the rest of you are getting to exercise I wish I could.

Remember an imperfect body reflects an imperfect person.

Friday, November 28, 2008

I've got my confidence back yesterday. When I went to the annual family thanksgiving gathering I received non-stop compliments about my weight loss. I'm not at that thin and beautiful comment that I want to get back to but at least I'm now down to the you look great you look so pretty. I haven't had a person besides my parents or my ex tell me I was pretty in well over a year. It really gave me that little extra to put my butt back in gear and keep working hard.

Kept the face stuffing to a minimum which was great. Everyone kept looking at me weird because I would grab a carrot dip in the ranch dressing scrap the excess dressing off the carrot on the bowl then eat it. I'm also pretty sure I had a look of complete terror on my face when it was time to eat dinner. I played my part had a plate of food with the smallest portions ever and had the tiniest piece of pie. Only thing I had to drink was water except for the one sprite zero I had around noon. I was really really shocked with how much self control I had. As much as I hate food I love it like 10 times more so not caving is a major step forward. I'm just so proud and just so giddy with joy right now hopefully I'm able to hold on to this feeling all through work which a doubt because my boss is a bitch.

Fallen-angel don't worry about being able to find the words to express your support. To me just the fact that you took time to show me you actually cared enough to comment is all the support I need. I don't really think very highly of myself so when ever I get a comment I get all excited and am like someone does like me. So thanks hun I love you so much for all the support you give me. Also thanks to Anna for just writing a kick ass blog that really gives me strength and for showing some love.

Remember eat less weigh less

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Can't sleep took a hand full of pain meds because I wanted to be numb for awhile. Holding a box cutter blade in my hand wondering if I should slice my legs up. I' m such a loser I hate my life. I can't even get this anorexic shit right what the fuck is wrong with me. Stop eating you fat whore stop eating stop eating stop eating. I hate that every time I turn around there is a fast food ad or someone eating. I hate that I almost got my self control back today only to flush it down the toilet I mean what the flip. I don't get this world and it's expecting it has of women. Society tells use that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes then to turn around and glorify the skinny girls. I just want to be numb again I just don't want to feel it makes everything so much easier. Pills kicking means a good night sleep for me.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Started out doing really good today didn't have anything but water and my crystal light on the go. Then like an hour ago I just couldn't take it anymore and I raided my cupboard. Ended up eating 7 pieces of 160 calorie pumpkin bread. It was the only food I had in the apartment. Of course I scarfed it down before even thinking to look at the label. It's not good ana habits to do that but I was starving because I thought I would try to go all day without my once a day food intake. Not good I can't not eat on my pills I know better. I don't know I just wanted to have a day of no food before the thanksgiving fattening feast. I really don't have much to say today my depression has been really bad lately so I haven't had the motivation for exercise or to really get out of bed. Plus another bad therapy day so I'm just having a crappy day all around. I probably wont have time to post til Friday night since it's a holiday tomorrow and I have to be at work at 5am Friday for Black Friday oh the joys of working retail.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone here in the states try not to eat to much of that fattening food. Happy Thursday to the rest of you.

"Do you really think Anorexia is going to fix things?"

This was the question my friend who knows asked me today at her home coming party. Do I think it's going to fix things no I don't. I'm sure it will make my problems worse. Hey, if you don't like hearing me say that well to bad I'm not going to lie about it. The problem is Anorexia starts out as a choice of somewhat and then turns to a disease. It wasn't a choice for me to the point where I said I'm going to start starving myself to lose weight it was a more subconscious choice. Somehow someway something got planted in my subconscious that said don't eat don't eat you are so fat don't. After awhile I became aware of it and I couldn't stop that's when it became a disease. I don't know if that's the way it works for everyone else but that's the way it worked for me.

I explained this to her and she said well why? I said well because from the 6th grade up to my junior year of high school everyone would always say to me your so thin and beautiful. So I got in my head that because I was so very thin I was beautiful. Then I gained a little weight and I got you look great, omg you look fantastic I didn't think much of it at the time but I knew I was no longer thin and beautiful I was just pretty and looked great. This is when my Ana started to develop. Then last year I put on more weight and I would see these people and they wouldn't say anything I just saw their eyes widen and then they would say omg I haven't seen you in so long how have you been. I would say I know I got fat and they would say no no you look fine through their teeth. At that point the voice in my head got louder and louder telling me how fat I was and how everyone knew it but didn't want to say anything. It said look at how gross you look nobody will ever cast your fat ass as a lead in a play you will always just be the fat friend.

Don't get me wrong I don't blame anyone who said I was so thin and beautiful for how I have turned out. I mainly blame myself for it because I have such low self esteem. She really didn't get it and I didn't think she would get it but I tried. I was so frustrated by the end of our conversation I said hun don't try and fix me I'm broken and always will be because I have issues that can't be fixed because there is no cure. Blah now I'm exhausted and need to go to bed before therapy in the afternoon.

Remember a moment on the lips forever on the hips

Monday, November 24, 2008

Thanks for the love ladies I hope you were right I hope it was because I was looking hot. Today started out really good it was just water with my crystal light on the go mix. Then the only thing I was going to eat all day was a pack of M&M's. I know everyone is going to be like no no not M&Ms but when I was in High School I would do it all the time and never gain a pound. The problem came when my parents told me to come over so I thought OK I will just stop by and then leave before dinner. That didn't happen I got there and Mom was like I had pizza delivered so sit and eat. Blah I had 3 pieces of cheese pizza and a bowl of cereal. Yuck I know right I was like a vacuum cleaner sucking up all that food. I was doing just fine until that yummy smell of food that is so bad for me hit my nose. I wasn't able to get home in time to puke it up so instead I did 300 sit ups and 60 girlie push ups and decided to take a break to write a short post then it's squats and lunges and maybe a walk to the post office but it's getting a little late so I might just take two walks tomorrow. I know that's not going to work that junk off but I have been so exhausted and down over the past week that I just haven't been motivated to work out but I'm turning it around this week.

Remember everyone eating is for the weak. Starve for self-control, self-control makes you strong

Oh and Simonnelaura I would love to get thin with you I look forward to giving and getting support to/from you.

Much Love

Sunday, November 23, 2008

So the ex came over yesterday to visit with our cats. So I decided well hey I'm still a flipping fat ass but I have lost at least 10 pounds since the last time we say each other so I'm going to get sexified as much as possible for a fatty. So I put on my sexy black shirt and the fat girl pants that makes my ass look hot because it's the outfit my friend told me I look so hot in. So I didn't really have time to do my hair but I redid my make up and yeah for a not being at my goal weight I was looking pretty damn good. So he walks in the door of my apartment takes one really fast look and then doesn't look at me for the rest of the time he's over. I was like hell no he would check me out for hours when we were together and I was over 200lbs. All that starving and working out and he doesn't even look at me for like 2 seconds. Not that I'm ana because of him but I thought he'd at least notice that I'm looking noticible thinner but no. So I guess either that means that he's being an ass or I'm not looking as good as I thought I was. So I guess I have to starve and exercise more. The bastard I hate him so much yet I'm still so in love with him sometimes I wish I wouldn't have ever found my first love because he drives me crazy.

Oh thanks hana for explaining bi-polar better I don't really know how it works so I appreciate it. Also thanks for your kind words. Thanks to eighty and Fallen-angel for the birthday wishes and eighty you were right I am a scorpio too so I know you're a strong lady. Also everyone check out eightys blog Food Kills she has some great thinspo.

Friday, November 21, 2008

LIFE SUCKS LIFE SUCKS LIFE SUCKS LIFE SUCKS LIFE SUCKS LIFE SUCKS LIFE SUCKS LIFE SUCKS LIFE SUCKS LIFE SUCKS LIFE SUCKS LIFE SUCKS LIFE SUCKS LIFE SUCKS LIFE SUCKS LIFE SUCKS LIFE SUCKS LIFE SUCKS LIFE SUCKS LIFE SUCKS LIFE SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I should know better by now that the only things in this world I can ever count on is my Family and my pets. Those are the only two things in my life that will always be there for me. I know I don't always agree with my family and sometimes get mad at the kitties but when I am lying on my death bed and looking back at my they will be the ones that are in my favorite memories. I can't express what I am trying to say right. I don't know my depression was really bad today and it was a struggle to pull myself out of bed. I ended up being late to work and my boss was a total bitch about it I think I need to sit her down and let her know what is going on with me why there are days that I'm late. This week started out feeling so right. I got a new bestie which I haven't had a bestie in a really long time. I went out with my siblings and parents for dinner on my birthday and I have just been kicking ass at work. Yet today things just fell apart not totally but a little bit. I think I should be able to hold it together but it's been a struggle not to pick up a blade and cut or put my cigarette out on my body. I'm sure people probably think I'm bi-polar because one day I'm saying I'm so depressed and the next day I'm not. Thing is that even those days when I'm not writing about how depressed I feel it's still there. It's just not as bad as it was the day before.

I've talked to some people with bi-polar and they are like one day you can't get out of bed and the next day you feel like you are totally depression free. For me I never feel like I'm depression free it's always there gnawing at my inside it's just some days I can hide it better then others. I just wish that I could find a group of friends to hang out with in my spare time that would always be there for my like my family and my cats. I feel like every time I turn around I see other people who has at least one friend that like family can just tell when they need to be around someone. Not even to talk about the depression and cutting but just is able to see that yeah maybe today I'm not seeming totally depressed but I need a person to just be with me for the night. I think it's really hard to find a person like that. Someone who as a different perspective on my life than the family. Thing is every time I think I've found that person it ends up like two days later that they aren't what I thought they were. He or she doesn't need to spend every free minute with me but a person who knows that sometimes you should put friends before booty calls. I just don't understand people I guess I understand that most people do things to help themselves but maybe they should look closer when a friend is giving warning signs that they need someone to be with them.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Turned 22 today which everyone is always like that's a really hard birthday. I really didn't mind it at all. I've never really get worked up over birthdays but it's because I don't really believe in age holding any importance because it's not real it's something some person way back in the day made up. So if it's made up then why should I freak out over it.

So Monday and Tuesday really sucked ass. I totally forgot that when you fast or even modified fast your stomach acid builds up and you can get really bad heart burn. Monday I just let it run it's course because yeah it was uncomfortable but it was bearable. By the end of the day on Tuesday it was so bad I went out and bought Pepto-Bismol and was downing ever half hour. I know people have told me that tums works best but I just can't take tums. Just the thought of having to chew those nasty tasting chalky tablets sends shivers down my back. So I will just stick with the Pepto I love the taste of that stuff I'll take it even when I'm not sick because I think it's good. I know it's weird but I'm a little fucked up so what does it matter.

Last night I went out with my heterosexual life partner as I call her but also known as a bff, best friend or as she calls me a bestie. It was late and we were drinking to celebrate my last night of being 21 and we decided to go get food. She wanted taco bell but I don't really like that place because my ex boyfriend and I use to eat that shit like every night after smoking pot. Anyway I totally got out of eating because everyplace she was going to drive to get me food was closed so I totally believe that was a sign that I shouldn't eat. She felt really bad and wanted me to eat so I had a few pieces of plan bread. She wasn't happy that was all I would eat but I was.

I would like all of you to check out Fallen-Angels new blog I think it's really important to support anyone who is willing to open up about their ana, mia, depression, self injury or any thing else they may be going through. Also just want to say hi to nobody, eighty and A hope you are all doing well.

Remember lovely girls and maybe guys there is no trying there is only doing.

Much Love

Monday, November 17, 2008

Started my modified fast today and it's going great so woohoo. Only things I ate where a hot dog bun and 2 hard boiled egg whites. Otherwise I had two diet Sunkist just to finish them off then it was water and light cranberry juice. I knew it was going to be hard so last night I made myself a ana red and black bracelet so when ever I wanted to eat I looked down and said no Ana you can do this and if you fail you have to get online and tell everyone who is reading your blog that you failed. I was like no no no no no no I have had to get on here too many times and already and tell everyone that I was weak and I ate and I wasn't going to do that today. So I stayed strong and resisted the temptation so far still have a little longer to go but I will do it I will make it through day one. I it has been a rough day body isn't use to having so little food so I'm very exhausted and have to pee like every 5 seconds but it's better then eating and getting fat.

Anyway I plan on keeping the modified fast up til Thanksgiving but I will have to break it on Wednesday when I turn 22 and my parents are taking me out to dinner so I will have to eat but I am going on the restaurant website once I post this and will check to see what to lowest cal and lowest fat entree is and have that with water and if they insist on me eating cake it will just be the littlest piece ever that it really wont matter much. So just got to stay strong keep working on making my little friendship bracelets until I get so good that I can make the most kick ass ana bracelet ever. Oh and thanks to all of you for giving me my strength.

And thanks to fallen-angelx for the shout out when I saw it I was like oh heeeeeeeyyyyy my first shout out. Everyone make sure that you check out her blog at http://screamsofafallenangel.blogspot.com I check your blog everyday hun & I love it. I hope your back doesn't bother you too much tonight.

Stay lovely and skinny everyone

Much Love

Sunday, November 16, 2008

So I took a few days off from blogging mainly because I just haven't felt very talkative lately it's really weird because I normally can't shut up. So I imagine this post will be short too I hope this funk I'm in doesn't last to much longer cause I hate it.

Got on the scale yesterday and I gained a few pounds back yuck. Went out with one of my girlfriends this weekend and I had so much fun. The problem is she is the only person who can convince me to eat I don't know what it is about her but she has an amazing ability to persuade people. She bought appetizers that were dripping with grease but they were so good. At least that was the only time I cheated last week but I have to work on saying no to her. Plus I gained a few pounds because it's my girlie time and I know that I gain weight when it comes. That's probably another reason why I ate that greasy food this weekend too because I always get really hungry til it ends. Sorry I know nobody wants to hear about that stuff. By the way I found my phone woohoo and also I don't encourage anyone to force themselves to puke because it really is dangerous. I know I've told you I've done it a few times but it's not good for you. Also if you are thinking about it don't use any thing sold at the store to make you puke because that is even worse for you.

Sorry I was reading over this post and it feels really choppy but I'm not really in the mood to write in a way that flows well today,

Thursday, November 13, 2008

I can't find my fucking phone and it is driving me nuts. I have been ripping my apartment to bits trying to find it and still nothing. I don't have a land line so my cell is all I have. Of course I live alone so there is no one to be like I'll call your phone and nobody has called tonight so it's like geez what the hell. So it's just going to be a quick post and then back to searching for the phone.

My inner ana has been screaming at me the last few days that I haven't been working hard enough and she was right. I gained a pound back I know such a fat ass blah. So when I got home from work I made myself some chicken noodle soup sat on the couch and ate it up. I tasted so good it was like eating for the first time every. The broth was so good and warm going down I almost didn't want to finish it because I knew what I would have to do. I knew I couldn't let Ana down again. So I went into the bathroom shoved my finger down the throat and puked it all up. I hate doing that too now I'm going to lose my voice for the next few days blah.

Ok so I told you it was going to be short I have to find my phone. Thanks for the love Fallen-Angelx love ya hun.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Blah I hate therapy days I always feel so shitty after they are done. I was actually really angry with my consular when I left today. I walked into her little office/room place and she was like you need to stop drinking for 90 days because you might jump out of a car again if you drink. I was like well it's not going to happen I will limit my alcohol intake but next week is my birthday and my friends are taking me out to the bar so it's not happening. She's all of a sudden like well do you want to get healthy or not because if you aren't going to stop drinking then it's obvious that you don't want to get help and you want to stay in this slump. Oh my God I almost lost it and went off on her but threw my tears and clenched teeth I was able to explain to her that I want to drink when I go out because being able to go out and have a drink with my friends makes me feel like a normal kid in my 20's. Which I know there is no such thing as normal but you know what I mean I already have so much shit going on that most kids my age don't have to deal with that I just want to be able to feel like them in one aspect of my life for once I want to feel like I fit in with kids my age. So she was pretty much trying to tell me that if I don't go 90 days without drinking she wont see me anymore. Look I get that with my Adderall I can't drink that much because of the reaction it would cause but it's like look I made a mistake once ok I'm not stupid I'm not going to let myself make that mistake again. I drank too much one time and jump out of a moving car and all of a sudden every mental health doctor in the world says I'm a fucking alcoholic. It's like oh excuse me like I'm the only fucking person in the world who drank too much and did something stupid for fuck sake leave me alone. I'm sick of them making me feel like a fucking psycho or something. God, I'm almost ready just to lie to her and say I wont drink for 90 days just to make her happy. She's suppose to help me not make me feel like I'm a fucking freak. Geez I don't understand, I don't get home everyday and drink alone, I don't drink everyday period and I'm not always drinking to get drunk so lay the fuck off.

I know I'm little miss drama it seems always have some dramatic event going on in my life. Flip I don't need her to judge me I already judge myself for 10 people combined Christ. Ah so anyway I didn't exercise today cause I was just really drained after therapy but I really kept my food intake to a minimum. I made two hard boiled eggs and only eat the whites for breakfast then had 2 pieces of reduced fat peanut butter toast for dinner. I also started to take a multi-vitamin today to help keep my body going. I hate taking them though because they have always made me feel sick when I start using them on a regular basis. I was thinking of starting a modified juice fast the next few days. I say modified because I have to eat something when I take my pills or it will really fuck with my tummy. I might start this next weekend keep going till Thanksgiving. I figure that way I wont have to feel like a failure because I have to eat in front of family because they will force me to eat something even if I claim I'm not hungry.

A you are totally right about Jim. I think I'm going to sit down and talk to him about what's going on and let him know that I can't be friends with someone who isn't going to be there to support me especially now when I need that support most of all.

Today I leave you with some more thinspo this time of Dita Von Teese. I have been a fan of Dita for years now I think she is so beautiful and she has such a tiny waist from those corsets she wears.

Keep working on getting thin
Much Love

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Been staring at a blank screen since I got home from work at about 5pm. Finally at around 9pm got off the couch had a weak weak drink waited 15 minutes to let it take effect now I'm ready to write. Side note I really don't drink that much I know it probably seems like it but in reality it's made 1 or two drinks every like 2 or 3 weeks cause I really don't have the money to be going to parties that are byob or to the bar. So okay here I go.....

I have always known that a lot of the people I hang out with want to take take take from me and give nothing back. I don't mean money wise because again I don't make that much money I mean more in the form of emotional support. I'm always there giving emotional support in the their time of needs and I'm more than happy to be there for them. I really mean it I want to be there for them when they need support. Hell I'd even be there to listen to any of you even if you'd never commented to me before. That's just the kind of person I am I really do care about people and want to be there to help when ever it's needed and wanted. Now I know that with most of my "friends" this is not the same in return. This rant, vent, bitch fest whatever you want to call it is about is about a friend that I will call Jim.

Now when it comes to Jim and whenever he needs to bitch and moan about his ex-boyfriend (yes, he's gay not that matters just part of the story) I'm there to listen to him even though they broke up like God knows how long ago it's been at least 2 years. When ever I talk about my ex-boyfriend who was the first real love of my life who broke up with me 2 months ago it's a totally different story. He's all like okay Ana, yup that's nice Ana, oh yeah that sucks Ana, mmmmhmm.... well yup. Of course I've always known that this is the way our relationship was with each other but he doesn't think I know that he hates listening to my problems. I know he thinks I'm not a very good actress but he has no idea. Either way it was an unspoken truth that I always knew about it.

The problem came last Saturday after I passed out and he left me at some strangers house alone. Which is like up ok thanks but it was fine because I guess a girl I worked with got me to wake up enough for us to get into a room where we could lock the door just to be safe. Like three days later the friend Jim went home with called me up and had to tell me something. She said Ana you have to promise me you wont say anything but on the way home Friday Jim told me something that I found weird. I was like ok I promise what is it. Well she said he told me how much he hates when you drink because you talk about your ex and he doesn't want to hear about it because he hates hearing about your life. He said he is trying to make you a pot head so you will stop talking about your life. I was like that bastard Jim fucking knows my ex is the first man I ever let into my life. Jim knows that when I asked my ex why we were breaking up and he said I don't know how much I blamed myself but Jim decides he doesn't care.

I haven't said anything to Jim about this because I promised my other friend and I wont break a promise to a friend. So now I sit with tears running down my face because it was one thing when it was an unspoken thing between us but now that I know he tells people he doesn't even know that he hates listening to me that hurts. It's like ok if you hate me so much why are you even hanging out with me. How can you go behind my back and tell my friend a girl who will tell me if you disrespect me to her as I would for her than why do you pretend. First of all he knows he knows the shit I am going through right now. He knows that I don't open up about my life and talk about to my life and problems because I feel like people don't want to deal with me. So that is what caused my break down that and the friend who i told about my ana started yelling at me that by me writing this blog. She was like you are killing these girls by writing that blog you are killing them by encouraging them. So add that with Jim and I just was not able to deal with it.

This is been causing me so much stress I ate Wendy's today for lunch a burger and Med. frosty. Plus two eggs for breakfast and like 4 pieces of peanut butter toast. Ugh I was doing so well before all this shit blah. I have a major exercise routine for tomorrow since there were to many people around me all day to be able to puke up anything I shoved in my face. On another note I have some images for you that normally keep me strong for all of you. Theses are 3 more of my favorite Vargas pinups that I use as my thinspo. I like to use pin ups from the 40's and 50's because even though they are drawings they are what people consider to be the perfect body type. This is what I am working for everyday.

A once again you have some how found a way to make me feel better even when I feel really low. I know I thank you ever post but I will never stop thanking you because you keep me going and believing in me. So thank you, thank you, thank you a million times thank you

Stay Thin and Much Love

Monday, November 10, 2008

I am sorry for my post yesterday things have happened the last few days that just made me so upset. My head is still foggy making it impossible for me to explain. I'm not going to stop posting I swear and sorry for freaking out. I will explain what was going on later I just need to crawl back into bed for the night and rest and pray I didn't scare any of you away. Also just wanted to let you know I lost the 2 pounds over the weekend so at least I'm feeling a little up. Thanks eighty8 for your kind words every time I felt down today I read your comment. And A thanks for being a constant supporter and always giving me great advice.

Keep working towards your goals and spread the word about me if you don't mind.

Much Love

Sunday, November 9, 2008

I don't think I can do this.

I'm freaking out right now shaking from head to toe I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to get through this. I'm getting help for my depression but is it even going to help if I'm not getting help for my ana. Sad part is I don't want help for my ana because I'm a sick sadistic bitch. Why am I so fucked up why do I get online everyday and encourage you ladies to keep killing yourselves. What am I doing some of you are still just babies in my eyes little kids that I'm corrupting. I'm sinking and I'm trying to take all of you with me because I was sick of feeling alone. Fuck I should just delete this entire page so none of you end up like me. Then I again I think I'm giving myself too much credit for my influence over people. I don't have the power to control what people do and feel only they have control of that. I don't know like I said I'm freaking out right now I didn't get out of bed til 4:30pm and just broke down. All of a sudden I just started question everything in my life. I really am a horrible person I always have been and always will be. A horrible, ugly, fat cow who nobody will ever love and will always be alone. I can't write anymore I'm shaking to hard to continue to write I think I just need to go back to bed and just stay there till I work I deserve to be alone I have too many problems to ever be loved.


Everything - Buckcherry
Buried way beneath the sheets I think she's having a melt down
Finding it hard to fall asleep she won't let anyone help her
The look on her face, A waste of time
She won't let go, Gonna roll the dice
Losing her grace, Starts to cry
I feel her pain when I look in her eyes.

I wanna be, I want everything
I want everything

Somewhere she is on the streets trying to make things better
Praying to God and breathing deep
Gotta break this long obsession
The look on her face a waste of time
She won't let go gonna roll the dice
Losing her grace, Starts to cry
I feel her pain when I look in her eyes.

I wanna be, I want everything
I want everything
I wanna be, I want everything
I want everything.

If I had everything would I Still wanna be alive?
Or wanna be high
If I had everything would I Still wanna be alive?
Or wanna be high.

Now and then she talks to me
And sometimes writes me letters
The look on her face a waste of time
She won't let go gonna roll the dice
Losing her grace, Starts to cry
I feel her pain when I look in her eyes.

I wanna be, I want everything
I want everything
You know I wanna be, Yeah I want everything
I wanted everything everything

Your eyes, never close your eyes
And open up your mind
Oh and baby you can have everything everything
Your eyes, never close your eyes
And open up your mind
Oh and baby you can have everything

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Weight is holding steady not exactly what I want to be happening but at least I'm not gaining it right. I'm so hung over today went out drinking with a girlfriend last night. I got really really drunk and ended up admitting that I was ana to her and I had a pro ana blog. She seemed really sad about it and was like no don't do that. I know stupid right sometimes I am such an idiot. Why I told her of all people she has such a big mouth I hope she doesn't blab to everyone we know. Ah....I'm such a fucking stupid bitch. Why would I think that was a good idea I know I was drunk and wasn't able to control what I was saying but still. What I can't stand is when people think if they tell you to stop that you will stop. I just want to shake them and be like it doesn't work that way. You can scream until you are blue in the face for my to stop being depressed or anorexic but it's not going to change the way I am. I get it most people I know have no idea what it's like to be depressed or anorexic. They don't know what it's like to not be able to pull yourself out they just think I'm being difficult or something. I don't know people are just strange.

Anyway I'm holding steady at my current weight which makes me not upset but not happy either but it's better then gaining. A few tips from Nobody

1. Don't diet literally just cut down on sugar and sweet stuff (this was the hardest thing for me since I have such a sweet tooth)

2. If you take any fat use olive oil

Thanks for the tips Nobody and you lost 6kgs if I'm doing my math right that's like 13lbs that's fantastic hun I wish I could say that. You were right when you pictured me with my hair flying everywhere I looked like a crazed woman when I ran through that door hehe ah good times.

A I know it's hard to get up and exercise it's such a pain in the ass. Even just doing little things like cleaning helps just make sure you keep moving if you aren't exercising.

Remember everyone loves a thin girl

Much Love

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Oh my goodness I felt like such a flipping idiot this morning I woke up 7:50am and I had to be a work at 8am. So I fly out of bed strip while brushing my teeth then throw on my uniform grab like 3 saltine crackers my water and run out the door. Of course it's raining and when it rains nobody knows how to drive here despite the fact that there is snow on the road like 9 months out of the year. So I get stuck in traffic and am shouting for every flipping mother fucker to move their flipping ass. I finally run in to work and the opening manager looks at me and goes why are you here so early. I look at him like he's crazy then he tells me I'm half an hour early I wasn't suppose to be in until 9am. I was a little peeved with myself because I could have slept in more cause I really love to sleep and I was in such a rush I forgot my apple. Though I must say the growling my stomach made all day put a smile on my face. Ok so what the hell does that have to do with anythign well I lost 2 pounds today well really it was 3. Thing is I gained one pound since I the last time I said I lost three pounds so I don't count that one pound since i had to re-loose it. Thanks to my strength the last few days and the support of all my peeps here on my blog I totally kicked ass today. I'm sure I gained it all back because my parents took me out to dinner and they are like we don't care that you're never hungry because of your depression you are getting food and you will eat it. Yes I really did get lucky and got the depression that makes you never want to eat they have no idea I 'm ana. I only drank cranberry juice and water at dinner so I was still being a little good. When I got home I did 300 sit ups, some lunges and and girly push ups hopefully it helps a little. This just means a longer work out and walk tomorrow even if it is cold and raining. I really felt awesome about those 2 pounds today though. Hadn't lost any weight in a week I was starting to wonder if I would ever be thin again. Look I did just a few extra exercises and eat just a little less and I lost 3 pounds in 1 day. Got to keep it up I'm hoping at least two more pounds by Sunday I know I could probably could lose more but I don't want to overwhelm myself while I'm still so worn out from the depression.

Hey my lovely skinny ladies and maybe guys I have a two little tricks for you today or maybe you already do them.

1. Make your Ana into a real person. My Ana is a my profile photo well basically all Vargas pin ups sort of embody my Ana but espcially my profile picture because she is what I wish I could look like (but I would stay with my brown hair I love my dark brown hair) she is what I want to be. I find making my Ana a person it makes me work harder.

2. Eat some saltine crackers with your water or tea or what ever it is you drink during the dayI find the liquid expands them in my stomach making me feel full since just water alone doesn't always do it.

Hey A
Yeah my Mom is around to talk to but it's really hard for me to express myself to my family it's a long story I will probably write a post about it one of these days. I know I'm really unhappy a lot I was really numb for a really long time and then I met my ex and for the first time in a long time I was happy like really knock your socks off happy. Then he dumped me and I don't blame him it's really hard to live with a person with depression. Now after being so happy it's really hard to be numb so I'm dealing with these feelings that i haven't allowed myself to feel since I was in Jr. High. I'm glad to hear that you are in a good place and it's not cliche if it works for you.

I would also l like to say thanks everyone for being so kick ass for the first time I don't feel alone.

Hope you all are working hard at getting thin, rock on peeps.

Much Love
Ana Nas

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Only got one walk in today because the tornado sirens went off during the scheduled time for walk number 1. Instead I just kept cleaning the apartment which is still a mess because I haven't had the time to clean so I still have some work to do. When things calmed down and I went for a walk despite the overcast it was actually warm for November in Minnesota. It was the first time in weeks I felt peaceful. I cleared my mind ignoring everything around my except for the sound fallen yellow levees (or is it leafs??? sorry I'm a horrible at spelling and grammar it's really sad how bad I am at it) crunching under my black flip flops. I wish I felt that peace all the time it was so nice to just feel like my self again. The best part was when I was almost back to my place it started to sprinkle a bit but it was my favorite type of rain. You know where it's a little cool out and the rain drops are warm. Just thinking about it brings back that feeling it was amazing. Food wise I did great today very proud of my control. I decided that I wanted to save my apple for lunch tomorrow so I had like 6 saltine crackers instead(Sorry I say like a lot but I grew up in the 90's what do you expect). I was really happy my body really felt full all day with so little. I think Ana is finally giving me my strength back it wasn't a struggle to keep my tummy silent today. Although I think I'm going to have a two pieces of toast before I go to bed I know it's bad to eat before bed but toast sounds so good right now I'm going for it anyway I wont binge just two pieces of toast. I'm not really hungry it's just to give my body a little more substance to work with.

On another note I have been a little naughty the past few days. I haven't been drinking nearly enough water and I'm paying for it. I haven't lost any weight I'm just holding steady and that makes me angry. I deserve to be punished for choosing booze and diet pop over water. I threw up everything I ate and drank on Saturday though so I know I wont gain anything. I guess it means that I'm just not working myself hard enough which means longer walks, more crunches more lunges, more candles and more girlie push ups (even when I was in really great shape I couldn't do push ups). I'm going to be pushing myself a lot harder starting tomorrow so hopefully this will mean hopefully shedding so flabbiness and some better posts . I feel I have really been lacking on the interesting posts the last 3 days.

Now to my typical comment on my comments

A I'm sorry I worried you the other day when I saw that my comment option was gone the first thing I thought was uh oh A is going to be worried. As for being 130lbs there where times it was hard but because my stomach had shrunk so much I didn't want to eat a lot but when I was hungry I still wanted to eat those sweets. I love food too so I know how difficult it is to stay away from it. I'm really glad to hear you voted and I'm glad you are ok with my Obama winning. On a different note I think you totally rock A I don't what it is but I totally feel like I have known you forever. I feel like you write with your personality (which I don't know if that makes sense to you) and by reading your comments I see that you are such an amazing person I hope I didn't freak you out with that I really enjoy talking to you.

Eighty don't worry about leaving a long comment as you have seen I practically right a short story when I post. I'm glad to hear that you found the few tips I gave helpful I will continue to post more as I write more. I would like to encourage you (and everyone who reads this blog) to feel free to add some of your own tips as much as you like. Thanks for the pep talk and the support I really needed it. I was feeling like such a failure and then when I was at work I got your comment and it really lifted my spirits. Thanks for liking my blog enough to contribute, it really kicks ass and I enjoy hearing form you. Oh and which OpenID Site are you on I would like to read your stuff if you have a blog and if you are on Blogspot sorry to ask but your name doesn't show up in blue like the others on this site who leave me comments.

I would like to give a shout out to Nobody for believing I could stay on track today and for coming back after visiting in the middle of the blog change over. Keep your chin up hun I believe in you. Finally to fallen-angelx for rockin it across the pound.

Just want to end by saying I think it's awesome that I inspire you all but I want you all to please please please be careful and be as healthy as possible.

Much Love
Ana Nas

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Exhausted today been an emotional few days for me. Been eating more than i should and not exercising enough. I have been keeping my eating in check a lot better lately. I got home and just sat on the couch and didn't do anything blah. So since i have the day off tomorrow I have my day planed out. I'm going to post my schedule so I actually stick to it.

9am-Wake up
9:30 am- Shower and get ready for the day
10 am - Eat apple so I can take pills
10:15 am - Light Exercises in front of TV
10:45 am - Drive to therapy
11 am - Therapy
11:50 am- Drive home
12:05 pm - Clean apartment top to bottom
2 pm - Take walk
2:15 pm - Sitting time (Pluck eyebrows)
2:45 pm - Take walk to post office
3 pm - Go to store buy new book for my Thinspo and maybe a new craft
3:30 pm - Set of 3 exercises
4 pm - dance around apartment for an hour
5 pm - Research food
5:30 pm - Watch Movie (No sitting, standing and moving around only)
6 pm - Search for more thinspo and sites
6:30 pm - 100 crunches
7 pm - Free time
7:30 pm - Wash Work clothes
8 pm- write new post
9 pm - work on thinpo book
10 pm - Bed time

I'm off to bed now I will just have to talk about yesterdays post tomorrow I'm just far exhausted to write anymore.

I hope everyone got out to vote to day and became a part of history no matter who you voted for

Had to restart this blog because the other one was being stupid so I copied all my posts and the readers comments over to the new version of Hurting Inside and put the dates that I originally wrote the post. I don't have time to write today's post but I will be back later tonight to post it sorry you clicked on to the new Hurting Inside while I was testing it nobody I didn't delete it.

Originally Posted 11/3/2008

Sorry to anyone how wanted to comment on any of my previous post yesterday after my second post my blog went wonky and got rid of the ability to post comments or read comments. I ended up that the upgraded version for some reason isn't allowing there to be comments so I switched to the old version. Ok so I was just kind of pissed off still today and so I don't really want to comment on my actions til I have another day to think about my action the other day so instead I'm going to just actually answer Eighty's comment from a few days ago.

First of all I'm not yet going to tell you my what my BMI is at the moment but instead I will give you this info.

Stats from March 2008

Height 5'10
Weight 210

BMI 29.41


Basically in March I was very close to being obese because like I said before pot is an Ana girls worst nightmare. Since I stopped smoking pot in like um.... September and begged Ana to take me back I have been dropping weight fast because I no longer undo all of Ana's work once I'm stoned. I will never ever be that big again it was terrible I hated myself and I still have myself because i use to be 130 which put my BMI at 18.65. I will get back to that I will get below that I will be thin and beautiful again I will never turn my back on Ana again.

You also wanted some tips I'm sure like me you have search all over the Internet for tips but here are a few things I do.


1. Drink a lot of water of course but that gets hard to do in the dead middle of winter to make it easier I add crystal light on the go drink mix:

A: To make it easier to drink water at 12 below

B: I find that my body thinks it's getting more substance making me feel full

C: Nutrition: 5 cals, 0 fat, 10mg sodium, 0 carbs, 0 sugar, 0 protein


2. Go to a Staples, OfficeMax, or Office Depot and buy printable sheets of magnets and print and cut out your favorite Thinsporation on them and put them on your fridge if you have your own place (my favorite magnet says "Fridge Pickers wear big knickers... Those who stay strong wear a thong) Make sure you take those down and hide them if you have company coming over


3. I put on my favorite music and dance around my apartment until I have no energy left. Then again I'm the dancing queen who didn't stop dancing once during Jr. or Sr. prom.


4. I do a lot of crafts the more detail in the craft the better just remember "Idle Hands are the Devils playground". If I keep my hands constantly full or doing something it makes it hard for me to shovel food into my mouth.


5. If you are going to eat then just eat the same thing every time you eat. There was a study done proving that people who ate the same things everyday at lunch for example ate less calories than people who changed it up everyday. I have found this to be true in my eating habits.


6.I stand as much as possible the only time I really sit is when I absolutely have to just because I want to burn as many calories as I possible can. Warning if you are going to do this make sure you don't lock your knees and don't over do it until your body is use to standing. Like running you have to build up to standing like 12 hours a day it takes a little time.

7. I walk a lot I walk everywhere I possible can even when it's January here in Minnesota and I have to put on so many layers I can't put my arms down.


8. Even though I hate doing this I try to make sure I plan out as much of my day as possible the more structure you have the less likely you are to eat.


I hope those helped you eighty I will try to think of some more things I do it's so hard to remember it all because it has become like second nature to me that I don't even notice that I'm doing them.


I hope you are all working hard at creating perfection.

Original Reader Comments

eighty said...

Hey Ana Nas, I haven't weighted myself in a while either, I think my BMI is around 19 or possible 20 right now and i'm trying really hard to lower it. It was 18 over the summer and I was doing so good then my BF broke up with me and I lost it, before I knew it was drinking and eating like there's no tomorrow.
But slowly I think I'm gaining Ana's strength back, I've been fasting, eating no solid food except drinking sweet tea to keep my self hydrated, full and plus a little continuous sugar boost to keep me going. I'm not planning to eat any solid for the rest of the week, but I do have a lunch date tomorrow. I'm gonna fake that I my stomach hurts that I can't eat and stick to iced tea again.

I found that drinking plain water triggers binges for me for some odd reason, so when I do feel like eating something, i would drink diluted sweet tea or fruit punch with plenty of ice and remind myself I have enough calories intake and halt my urges to eat.

I live at home with my mom so I can't do number 2-3! But I try to do some stretching exercise to keep myself motivated.

I really like # 4-8, some of them I am already doing, they're great tips. I try to keep myself busy by mentally scheduling what goes on during my days and maximizes physical activities when I can.
Then sometimes I just want to rest, be sedimentary, watching tv or playing games by myself...

Sorry I didn't realized I wrote an essay.

I hope everything is well for you! You can pull together and get through it, we aren't perfect but we try our best to be perfect, and the road to perfection is not easy and it's ok to have an occasional lapse, just know that you CAN do better and TAKE CONTROL!!

11/4/08 11:14pm

Anonymous said...

I was worried when you said you cut yourself and then took the comment option off - or so I thought. Glad you are ok. 5'10" and 130/LBS is very tiny, I am sure that was hard to maintain. The hardest part for me is that I really like to eat. I try to think of food negatively, but it does not work. I want so bad to be skinny again.

Take care of yourself

A

11/4/08 1:18pm



Originally Posted 11/2/08

I couldn't do it anymore I know I already posted today but I lost it tonight. I just finished cutting myself I just needed it because I need to feel the pain because I didn't know what else to do. I waited I waited around all day all fucking day waiting for a "friend" to call me. He was coming up form out of state and he talking about how he couldn't wait to see me since like um fucking June. He said Ana Nas I'm not going to be in town till late Saturday so I'm going to call you on Sunday once I've got everything in order and then I'll give you a call and then we will hang out and catch up. Now I know what everyone is thinking well Ana why didn't you just call him. Well that's not the way I work my friends know that I just wont because it's just the way I am.

I'm sick of being alone I just want someone to want to be with me and hang out with me. I'm so sick of sitting alone in my apartment all day I haven't said more than I few words all day and it was to my cats. How sad am I? Look at me I'm 21 years old and I've become a crazy cat lady already. I'm really trying not to cut but I need it I really need it (I'm sorry A I was really trying). It's not deep it's never very deep that's not the point of my cutting it's just to feel and to release everything I've been keeping inside. Well not never but for the most part it's just 15 to 20 fast sallow cuts on the inner or top thigh if I'm going to be sitting all day and on the side if I'm going to be standing all day so when I can't cut but I need some kind of release I can push down on them and get something that to get me through until I can cut again. I was doing really good and that's all down the drain now but it felt so good when I did it. I just need to go to bed and I don't know try not to think about anything or do anything because I just opened the flood gates which means the numbness isn't far behind.

Originally Posted 11/2/08

I'm so exhausted today after a wild night of partying with my friends. I drank so much seriously like I had God knows how many jello shots then my friend and I split a full bottle of this UV Blue generic stuff called Blue Wave. It was so so gross it burned going down but I was the only one who had the balls to drink it without a chaser(Go me!!!). I guess my secret is down it, shiver and say woo. It was really the most fun I've had since the break up. It was also very nice to have a guy hitting on me again. Yeah he wasn't the guy I was hoping would hit on me but that's because I'm to much of a cow for him to notice me. That's all going to change very soon if I stay on track.

That is where I hit my one problem of the night. I ended up eating so much food it was disgusting I was like like a cow grazing at the table all night long. The thing is when I'm drunk the only things anybody can convince me to do is either drink more or eat food and they got me to do both. I was so mad at myself that I ended up running to the bathroom and sticking my fingers so far down my throat I was scared they'd get stuck. With being so drunk nobody found it odd that I was puking in the bathroom. Now I'm not a mia by any means I don't like the way it feels to binge I don't like the way it feels to purge. I don't like the burns from the combination of my fingers scraping my esophagus and the bile that came up long after I purged. I'm not putting down anyone who has mia because it's a disease just like ana it's just not my thing because it scares me that I will ruin my voice then I'll never make it in theater.

I don't know where to go after that last paragraph. I don't even think it is suppose to be a separate paragraph but I thought people might be getting sick of reading long single paragraphed post so I wanted to break it up. I don't know I can't think about trying to write this right now I'm just exhausted and feel sick and just need to rest.

A hunny you are so so strong you just don't realize it. Which just makes you like most of us with ana never thinking you are good enough, strong enough, pretty enough or thin enough. You are doing just fine you had the strength to not finish the "poison". You were able to stop yourself from going on a full binge which would have made it so much worse I wish I had the strength to do that because once I start there's no stopping me. About the dieting thing well I never tell people I'm trying to lose weight. I just tell people I'm trying to teach myself to eat better so I have a better chance of not getting another disease that runs in my family because that would be number 5 for me.

Stay strong be safe and be as healthy as possible everyone