Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Sorry the next few days I will be posting about family/depression issues not eating habit related

Yes, I am going to feel sorry for myself in this post and I don't care because I need it right now I just need to let it all out and type and cry and not have to apologize for my actions. This post probably wont flow to well because I don't plan on reading it after I'm done I'm just posting right away when I finish because it's about getting the emotions out not composition.

So my sister called me tonight and bitched me out about my behavior. I haven't want to hurt myself in awhile yes there was the vicodin/drinking at Christmas because I just wanted to feel numb again. Tonight I really want to just cut and bruise and burn every inch of my body. I decided that posting would probably take my mind off of things so here I am. She just went on and on about how I've messed up and need to pull my life together and how she's sick of having to forgive me for being a fuck up. I didn't say much besides okay because I was holding back tears. When she finally said she didn't want to be around me because I say things that make people sad. Then she asked me why I didn't want to be a "normal" happy person and I finally couldn't hold in and cried so hard. She back peddled and say she cared and didn't mean to hurt me but the damage is done. I know I will forgive her for what she said but I wont ever forget it. For the rest of our lives I will never be the real Nas in front of her it will always be an act. Even one day when I get better and I'm that wicked funny carefree lovable girl again she will never truly see that because I will always be on guard afraid she still thinks I'm fucked up or insane in someway because of her intervention. I fucking hate interventions they wouldn't be so bad if people went about them the right way but they don't do they. No, they don't instead of being caring and concerned they are mean and throw every little thing you've done wrong in your face and belittle you until you are a sobbing mess on the floor. It makes me bitter it makes me not want to get help it makes me want to go fucking insane. Yes, I get it she is angry at me for Christmas (I so can't even get into that right now) but that doesn't give her the right to be a bitch it really doesn't. She just doesn't get it she doesn't understand what I'm going through and when I try to explain she gets angry and tells me that I'm not even trying. I am trying in fact I've been making good progress with my depression on my own but nobody sees that they just see the one slip up and that's what they are all waiting for. They don't want to praise me for my progress they want to find a reason to rip me to shreds to make me feel ashamed of being depressed and never talk about it.

You know what fuck my sister and fuck my parents maybe they are ashamed of me and what I've gone through but I'm not I'm fucking proud of myself. I'm fucking proud that I hit rock bottom once or twice but didn't give up on life I kept fighting. I shouldn't even be alive right now but I fought I pulled myself up after trying to kill myself a year ago when my family do nothing but avoid me. They shoved me in the shitty apartment and forgot about me while I battled back with nobody by my side. I'm proud of the fact that I can admit that I struggle with self harm because it made my 13 year old cousin tell me that she's starting to do the same things. She gets the one thing I never had and wanted more then anything when I started hurting myself she gets a person who understands. I get to tell her I understand and it's going to be okay you aren't alone. I will be helping to prevent her from the hurt and self hate many of us go through everyday and if that makes my family ashamed then like I said fuck them.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Always ruin everything

Another holiday another chance for me to fuck up! I haven't been
around much because I've been trying so fucking hard to make things
right for my family to atone for my sins towords them but it's never
enough. It's never good enough nothing I do is ever good enough. The
night of my birthday mom had to bring up my suicide attempt. Two days
later it was both parents telling me I was a fucking loser and will
live under a bridge with my uncle cause I suck. Yesterday (christmas
eve) it was we are going to take the animals and move into a 1 bedroom
apartment so nas couldn't live with them. Today on the way home from
Christmas day dinner i was I drunk (I wasn't) and embaressed my when I
was talking to my aunt about how my cousin should call me because she
started cutting herself and I "use" to hurt myself too so I could help
her through it. Just I'm a horrible person for talking about that
stuff at Christmas because it's a horrible thing to tell people. I
should be ashamed if being so fucked up so I decided to take some
vicidin with wine in hopes to numb the self hate probably take
somemore in a little bit in hopes of who knows what. I mean it's not
like dad can bitch anyway he use to leave my sister in charge of me
when she was 6 and I was 3 because he was to depressed to do anything
after work but sleep. Fuck them all I hope the vicidin kills me
because as they said I fuck up everything I will never make up for the
sins I have committed against them. I just want to scream at them I
maybe my fault I'm fucked up but it's your fault i'm alive.
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