Wednesday, September 30, 2009

I'm destined to fall off the cliff

I'm sitting at my computer staring at my history exam. I have 1 hour 34mins left and I havent typed a word. I'm meant to fall to my symbolic death I think I'm going to break down any second. I can't do this I dont even know how to answer the questions all I can say is bye bye to my chance at happiness.

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Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Day Dreams

Lately I've been finding myself teetering on the edge of a cliff. Part of me is certain (certain isn't the right word to describe the intensity of this feeling) that I will fall safely back onto the solid ground. I have these vivid day dreams in my head that consume every part of me. In these day dreams I've achieved the things I've ached for so badly all my life. I've become so involved in my dreams that when I'm alone and some times when I'm not I start to whisper conversations in that I'm having in my head. I fear if anyone ever actually hears these conversations I'm having I will be committed. Something inside tells me that surly these dreams mean that this is a glimpse of my future. I don't believe I can predict the future but maybe just maybe these dreams hold some truth to them how can something that seems so real be fiction.

The other part of me is certain that I fill fall from the cliff to my symbolic death. This side had been nothing more than a dull murmur that is slowly starting to grow into a lions roar. There is no way I can accomplish these things I will be miserable and stuck inside my head wishing forever. I'm so frightened of failure that the mere thought of it can cause me to break down into tears. What if I can't hold my head above water this is truly my last chance to make it. If I fail school that's it I'm done bye bye dreams bye bye future bye bye any hope at.............happiness. I'm shaking so hard just thinking about it I'm worried about my grades. If the semester was over tomorrow I would have an F in History, an F in Nutrition (missed 5 classes so far one of which was a quiz day), A in Soc, and in A in Poli Sci but those 2 F would mean I'm done. I have exam number two in History tomorrow I hope I don't fail this one like I failed that last one. It would be nice if the teacher told us what he were looking for us to write in the essays instead of expecting us to somehow magically know that he wanted us to define what a frontier was even though the question didn't say anything that would have hinted that the word frontier even was part of the answer. I can't fail I really can't if I fall of the wrong end then my life is done I don't know if I could survive giving up on my dreams. I don't want to fall to my death but what if that's the only choice I have what if my desire to succeed isn't enough. Maybe I need to stop putting so much pressure on my shoulders but how is that even possible when the fate of the rest of my life hangs in the balance of one miss step.

I really wish I wasn't so wrapped up in this I wish I didn't feel like I was constantly about to puke. I want to be able to read other peoples blogs and give my encouragement instead of having my dreams mixed with my fear become so crippling that I spend most of my free time laying motionless on my bed staring at the ceiling trying to figure out which part of me is right.

On a side note SBB I'm counting down to my sisters wedding where I'm the maid of honor even though no ones going to be looking at me so it doesn't really matter how I look.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Sleepy sleepy sleepy

I've been so exhausted I hope I don't end up with Mono again. That would be the worst because people would be like oooooo someone has been playing tonsil hockey and I will have to be like oooo no I haven't because I haven't kissed a person in a year. Then it will be all awkward because I seem to have a talent for that. Wow if it's been a year since I've kissed that means it's been a year since ana came back into my life. Maybe that will give me renewed strength to stop eating.

Well I haven't actually done too bad eating wise this week except for today because I was planning on binging and purging but mom and dad got home before I was able to purge so all that grossness stayed in my body eww. Let's see Wednesday I had 1010 calories not the best calorie intake but not a disaster by any means though I do like to stay under 1000 calories most days. Thursday I had between 650-800 calories I don't know the exact amount because I forgot to write down a few things I ate. Thursday was a great day because it was hotter then hell and it was lawn mowing day so I was pushing the heavy mower up the steep hill my house is one sweating more then usual because of the sun. I love mowing the lawn it's like having an amazing gym workout without actually having to go to the gym. Okay I know this part is going to sound a little weird but every time I stood up Thursday I was light headed for a few minutes which was so exciting to me because that means I'm doing something right.

Short post for me I know I feel like it's really incomplete and doesn't flow well but I have to get some sleep. Everything else I want to say will just have to wait for tomorrows post.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Not doing a great job at keeping the calories low and I don't even remember the last time I hit the gym. I hate days like these where you can't sleep and you are just laying in bed going shit I've been doing a bad job at tracking my calories. Normally it's like obsessive calorie counting in my head and I really need to get back into it. Time to whip out the handy dandy notebook and write down everything I eat again until I get back to tracking calories in my head. Now I just have to force my lazy butt off the couch and into the gym. You can do this Nas you know you can Ana has been screaming at you all week that she's going to give you hell and now she is lets get our butt in gear and get to work. You have 1 year 2 weeks and 4 days til you have to look thin and sexy lets go.

On a different note an old friend came into town this weekend and well it was interesting. We went out drinking and of course every guy I was attracted to was married and of course I went overboard with the drinking because it's been months since I went out and had any fun. Lets just say the night ended with me blowing chunks all over the corner of Hennepin and Lake Street and just all around making an ass of myself. I ended up on a couch at some random persons apartment who was a friend of my friend. Waking up late the next day and being a half hour late to work. Of course all the other people I work with can be a half hour late and never get in trouble but when it comes to me well most people just don't like me so I get in trouble damn bitches. Lets see if I get fired when I go into work today oh Mom and Dad will have a field day with that one.

Oh well at least I got to laugh again even if I made a fool of myself. I don't laugh much these days not just because I'm depressed just because I don't have anyone to laugh with which is my own fault. I'm sure that's probably why I don't post as much anymore I don't want to bore myself or any of you to death with my routine life of didn't fall asleep til 4am woke up late ran to school without any make up on and smelling gross, made it to class with 30 seconds to spare, went to the library after class, went to work after the library, went home after work, study some more etc. Yuck it even sounds horrible I can't believe that's my life yuck yuck yuck. I would say I would change it but I wont because I don't know how to make friends or change that other stuff and because I too scared of people not liking me. It's my own damn fault really I wish I wasn't so scared of getting hurt but it's happened so much that I don't think I've ever had a friendship where the person hasn't left me in the end. Hmm.....I guess that's something to ponder while I try to drift off to sleep.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Again I'd like to start off my saying thank you for the support that past week it was really appreciated. The funeral was Monday and all I'm going to say about it was that it was a disaster. That's okay though because the family and I where able to say our good byes and find closer and that's all that matters.

Moving on I think my sister is developing an eating disorder. We (mom, dad, sister, sisters fiancee and me) went out to dinner on Sunday and before the food arrived my sister took an Alli pill. My sister in no way needs to lose weight she is like at what I like to call perfect thin. In the past few weeks she has fallen into scary skinny just like omg if you lose any more weight you will be put in treatment. I know it's strange to hear a girl with an ED talk about scary skinny but I don't feel all of us with EDs want to be so thin that we look like skeletons I mean maybe that's just me. I want to be movie star thin where my hip and collar bones stick out but not you can see the space between my forearm bones through my skin thin because even though I have this obsession to be thin I don't find that skinny to be attractive but again I feel we are all different opinions on this. Anyway back to my sister so when my parents and I got home I told my mom that my sister was taking Alli. Of course my sister told mom that it was her anti-anxiety pills and mom believed her. I just went off saying she's lying and they were in the blue pill box that you can only get if you buy Alli and that of course she's say they where her anti-anxiety pills and on and on. I should have stopped because mom was like how do you know all this stuff about hiding eating problems and in my head I was like shit. So I said well when I went through my little episode last fall I had developed a little bit of an eating problem which I dealt with in therapy so I know the lies that are told to cover this stuff up and that's what really made my depression so much worse because I wasn't eating. Then as a seasoned fucked up person I seamlessly shifted the focus back on to my sister stating that because I went through those things I know that it is just a terrible way to live and I don't want my sister to go through the pain I went through. Mom was just like well we will just keep talking to her about it and I talked to her fiancee and told him and he says he's been getting on her about it too and how sweet it was of me to care so much about my sister.

Of course the next day at the funeral my parents said something to her again and she was like I know I'm too thin and I'm working on putting on weight I've already gained 4lbs. My mom gave me this look of see she's fine which I retorted that's exactly the kind of thing I said to ex best friend/ex friend and my therapist when they said something to me which made mom just glare at me and turn away. Of course the last two days since I told mom about my supposed cured eating problems (which she probably told dad about) I've made sure to eat a little more in front of them to squash any suspicions so tomorrow I should be able to go back to the usual deception.

Ok so now that life is back to somewhat normal it's time to get this blog back on track. So I've been wanting to comment on some of the comments from 4 post ago (counting this one) but it just wasn't appropriate until now.

"Mad Bird" I totally agree with how it's just amazing how people believe and blindly follow what they hear in nutrition classes. It's hard to talk my teacher seriously when she is a professional nutritionist and she's fat. I don't really judge others on there weight just myself but it's hard not to when they are suppose to know all this nutrition information.

Flushed I'm totally with you on wishing I made a better college choice my first time around. It would have made life a whole lot easier now I'm stuck in a situation that makes life so much harder. Oh well we are both going to do it the right way this time and make it through with flying colors because when you have to pay for it yourself you work so much harder at it.

Alright ladies remember never let go of your dreams.

Friday, September 4, 2009

She's gone

Ate like a cow last night feel pretty gross about it. I've been eating a lot since my last post because I've been sad and when I'm sad I get extremely tired. Normally I would just sleep a lot but since I have no time to myself since school started I had to eat to keep from passing out.

I wasn't going to eat much today but then we got the call that my aunt around 7pm and then I started to eat probably for comfort but I'm not sure because I don't normally eat when I get bad news. I'm sad but not sad at the same time because we were allowed to see her and say goodbye on Wednesday which I'm greatful for but I mean just to see how the cancer had eaten away at her body and to knowing that she was in so much pain that they had to shoot her up with a ton of morphine made the whole family wish for her to let go so she wouldn't be in pain but she was a fighter a lived longer then the doctors thought she would. It's going to be a rough couple of days but at least I know she's in a better place now.

MyNameIsMellon and SBB thank you so much for your kind words. It was such a comfort for me to read what you ladies wrote that whenever I've felt down the past few days I pull your comments up on my cell phone and it makes me feel better. It's nice to finally find people to talk with who actually have compassion for people around them. Like I said before I'm done with ex best friend but you two just solidified my feelings that she is a bad friend because I was having some doubts.

SBB just to let you know I didn't hurt myself which I'm really proud to say because it's so hard not to cut when I'm feeling down. I promise that I will take you up on your offer to talk if I start to feel to sad in the next few days.

Hopefully my next post will be a more positive one.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Family Death and Bitchy ex best friend

Bad day bad day and I mean really bad day. My great aunt is dying of cancer and I was told today that she has maybe a few days left a week if she's lucky. I want to go see her and say goodbye because she is such a wonderful person but I'm not allowed to. I get that she doesn't want to see anyone but it's still upsetting not to be able to say goodbye. I've been trying not to cry all day.

I ended up calling my ex best friend about it left her a message saying and I quote "look you need to call me because I need to talk to someone so just fucking call me back for once please." She texted me back and said you were rude I'm sorry about your aunt but you are rude I passed out a work today and am feeling better I will call you when I get better. Ok my tone in the message was short but it wasn't rude you could tell I was upset and needed to talk with the way I sounded but not rude. Anyway her answer upset me because this is the answer she always gives me and then I don't hear from her for a month or two until I call her. So I was like Yeah I'm sure you will and she was like are you being sarcastic and I was like Yep and then it was all out bitch fight. I don't know why I even bother with her because she is never ever there for me then when we fight she is always like I've been there for you and you are so mean. It's like no you aren't there for me you are never there for me look I know you have a kid and a full time job but stop using your kid as an excuse. Ah I hate her so much I guess I just tried to hang on because she was the last friend I had but now I'm done I will live my life without friends I don't need them as long as I have you ladies to talk to I'll be fine. Well I will have friends because I will have you just not friends that live around me.

Woo okay I am feeling much better after getting that off my chest. Now I just need to take a deep breath go to sleep forget about ex best friend, pray to ask god that if he isn't going to let my great aunt recover and eventually die a peaceful painless death that he will show mercy and let her suffering end. I need to keep my head on or I'm going to end up cutting and I really don't want to cut it's been a few months since the last time I hurt myself and don't want to do it again.

Remember tomorrow will be a better day and there is always light at the end of the tunnel even when you can see it.