Saturday, June 27, 2009

I'm sorry I haven't been around much lately I've been so depressed it's been hard for me to even get out of bed. I really thought I was getting better but I guess not I was working so hard to be some what happy because let's face it with me depression and eating disorders go hand in hand so I didn't totally want to get rid of my depression because then Ana might go away and I didn't want that. I'm going to try and come back this week because I have a lot of comments to answer and a lot of comments to give. I'm sorry I haven't been there for you ladies and I have yet to add myself to the followings of my new followers. I don't know if that makes sense but it did in my head and that's all that matters. I love you ladies but I have to cut this short because I just don't have the energy to keep typing 0I'm sorry.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Just ate 8 low cal hot dogs (40 cals each)

After I decided to purge because I love purging. It was 45 minutes straight worth of purging I hope the results show in the morning or I should say night since I don't get up until 5pm or later when I don't work. Normally I can purge everything up in about 15 minutes but tonight it's like it wouldn't stop coming up which is fine by me because that hopefully means more weight gone. I even drank a ton of water before, during and after.

Tomorrow I will address my last two posts before this one but for now I'm going to wait the standard 30 minutes brush my teeth and sleep until 7pm tomorrow.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

random drunk rants plus cutting again

It hurt when I cut tonight
First time I've hurt my self in months
I can't remember the last time I cut myself
This isn't a poem just written in poem format
Shallow quick cuts along my side
Which are my favorite because when you touch them the next day they burn more
I love the burn I'm so fucking sadistic
I love to press down hard on my cuts the next day and feel pain.
Although to day it hurt when I cut my side
That means I'm not doing a good enough job suppressing my emotions.
I'm not numb of all feelings anymore.

I hate the dreams I've been having
they make me wake up crying
I just want someone to want me
for more then sex but that will never happen
Why? well I'm a whore that's why

Convinced my older sister that I don't want kids
Told her it's because I'm happy with me
Lies, lies lies
It's because I'm scared to have kids
I'm scared they will end up like me
Honestly I don't think I could live with myself
Putting a child through the pain I've felt
How could I put a child through depression, cutting, and an eating disorder
What if it was a little girl?
She would never be allowed to see boys ever
Out of fear that she would be assaulted like her stupid drunk mother was

I don't even know what I'm talking about
going to go cut again and then
take a hot bath before the cuts close
because the hot water on open wounds hurts more
God I'm fucked up and drunk I really wish I was high*

Does anyone even read what I write?
I doubt it honestly because I'm boring or because I'm to fucked up
I started this blog thinking I was articulate like Ana rigzig but I'm not
I use to be but I'm on too many rx to be articulate like I use to be
I'm sick of people thinking that ADD needs to be treated
so as to make me like everyone else
but the really people need to learn that ADD/ADHDers are just creative
and don't work well when taught like everyone else
Going to pass out now not that anyone cares
Not looking for anyone to feel sorry for me just for someone who feels the same as me.

I'm a bad anorexic, depressed, cutter, sister, daughter, friend, girlfriend (when someone wants to date me let's face it I'm every dating read flag), and just all around person. What am I good at well being a whore that's what fat whore fat whore fat whore.

*I'm really not a druggie. I know I talk about drugs a lot but I really don't do them all that often so please don't stop reading because I'm talking about it so much.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Quick post I'm still alive.

Hey Ladies,

Just stopping by to say hi and sorry I went missing. I've been running around like crazy and got the flu but I should be back full force by sunday.

Love you all hope you ladies are working hard and melting away the fat.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Why I Hate Paxil (long but good information for everyone)

I'm not getting sick it's just because I forgot to take my Paxil for a few days. I can to this conclusion after I remembered that the water at my apartment was off until 6pm and I started to cry because I wanted to take a hot bath and also started crying during an episode of Full House. I know many of you who read my blog only have an eating disorder but even if you are one of the ladies without depression who reads I think this post is important to you also. Why because Paxil is now being used in the treatment of eating disorders so I recommend you read so if anyone ever wants to put you on Paxil you be able to object. Below is what I went through when I tried to get off Paxil along with a list of symptoms or you can watch this video about it. I've watched the video 4 time today and have cried every time the withdrawal wont be gone til tomorrow.

In July of 2007 with the convincing of a certain ex-boyfriend I decided to quit. Of course I consulted with my Doctor first and he said that he didn't see a reason why if I wanted to split pills in half or try to go without it that would be fine. The longest I had gone without Paxil before was 5 days and I felt a little sick on the 5th day which I expected to happen this time which did. Then day 6 hit and shit hit the fan like I did not expect. Out of no where I felt like I was going crazy with extreme mood swings, crying for hours because of things I had done and said to my parents that made them feel bad from when I was 6. Charlie actually kicked me out of bed one night at 2am because I had been crying since 11pm and he had to work at 6am. After almost two weeks of feeling like I was going crazy and must be more depressed then anyone thought I went back on my Paxil and decided to do some research. I found out that Paxil has one of the worst anti-depressants to try and get off of because of the terrible withdrawal symptoms of excuse me "discontinuation" symptoms. That's right GlaxoSmithKline convinced the FDA that this symptoms shouldn't be considered withdrawal symptoms because Paxil isn't addictive(lies) like illegal drugs. After googling quit paxil and finding story after story about people going through what I went through I sat on my bed and cried because I realized I was probably stuck on a drug that I was told was non habit forming and temporary for the rest of my life or until I had a job where I could take extensive time off of so I could make it through that mild discontinuation symptoms that the drug companies claim last a few days but can actually last for over a month. The thing that really makes me angry about this is the fact that the FDA has looked the other way while a pharmaceutical company continues to sell a drug that basically makes many people trying to quit act like heroin addicts who just want that on last hit to take the edge off so they can continue to make millions of dollars off it.

Discontinuation Symptoms of Paxil (Purple= a withdrawal symptom of an illegal drug, bold=symptoms I've had)
-Intense Insomnia
-Extraordinarily vivid dreams
-Extreme confusion during waking hours
-Intense fear of going insane
-Feeling of existing outside reality
-memory and consecration problems
-Panic Attacks (even if you haven't had them before)
-Severe mood swings (especially heightened irritability/anger)
-Suicidal thoughts
-Craving for Paxil to stop the madness
-Feeling of mild electric shocks throughout the body
-Slurred Speech
-Profuse sweating especially at night
-Muscle cramps
-Blurred vision
-Breaking out into tears
-Hypersensitivity to motion, sounds, and/or smell
-Decreased appetite
-Chills/hot flashes

Now eleven of these 22 symptoms or common withdrawal symptoms of illegal hardcore drugs I think that qualifies as withdrawal but what do I know I'm not the manufacturer I'm just a girl who has felt these discontinuation symptoms and felt like I need to be checked into drug treatment.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Feeling Off Today.

I failed my fast yesterday ah fuck me I swear I'm going to be a fatty moo moo cow forever if I don't stop sabotaging myself. I feel like I'm really torn lately like half of me wants me to stop eating and get thin and sexy but the other half of me is scared to lose weight.

It was my fault that I failed last night because I'm an idiot. This guy I use to wo
rk with called me and was like hey I know you smoke pot you want to buy some and I was like hell yeah. Well because he's cute and well I was hoping that if we got high enough that I wouldn't be all ashamed about how terrible I look with out clothes and we could have a little fun like we flirt about but I couldn't shake the embarrassment of my fat ass. So instead we ended up both getting the munchies and he went to Taco Bell and stuffing our faces.

Then to top it all off I think he got me sick because I've just felt ve
ry off all day. I can't even explain it for real. I just feel like I'm not really in my body or something I can't explain it but it's so weird. My hands are ice cold and my face is burning up and I've got the chills ugh it's just been a weird day blah I hope I'm not dying. Okay I know I'm not but it's just weird because I don't feel sick but I don't feel normal either. I think I'm going to go to bed even though I slept til 3pm today I'm exhausted.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Short Post

I haven't eaten a damn thing today. I'm sure my stomach will start to rumble soon given the fact that I can't go a full day with out food lately. If that does happen I have enough rice for one more bowl which is all I will allow myself to eat today. I'm hoping that I wont need to eat it so that why I can have it tomorrow for breakfast. I want to go grocery shopping tomorrow so that way I wont end up going on a hunger fueled shopping spree where I buy nothing but junk food.

I doubt I'll actually make it to the super market. I don't know what it is but I've been feeling so ADD even with my meds I'm spacing out like crazy. It takes me forever to get my butt in gear because I just space out or forget what I was going to do. I'm hoping it's just a weird week and things get better this week.

Hope you ladies are working hard to lose that fat.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Fasting Day

Today I am fasting as always if I feel like I can't take it anymore then I will drink some crystal light. I have found that it really helps quiet my stomach down. I'll be back to write more later today but now I have to get some sleep before I go to work.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

I survived the meet up the ex best friend but OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!

All I'm going to say is that bitch is such a hypocrite it's not even funny. I've eaten like a cow but I'm pissed off and I'm not going to exercise just going to sit on my couch and pout and probably clean because I can. Even if I probably gained 30lbs yesterday.

You know she yelled at me because she found out I did a little noise candy in the 4 months that I just wasn't worth her time. Then last night I find out she had decided to smoke some Meth a few times because she says the guy told her it was coke in rock form I was like you are so dumb I'm just so I don't even know I didn't even say anything all night she kept yapping until 3 am. Telling me all this shit she's been doing that she yelled at me for doing I was like you shouldn't tell people you are doing this shit because if I was a bitch I could go to child protective services and get your kid taken away. She's so stupid and she makes me so angry and nothing got resolved last night it was a waste of my time and I'm pissed and ah I can't even speak right now I'm so angry.

Monday, June 1, 2009

I'm not really not creative these days,

I was having a really awesome day only 400 calories. Then my mom came over and gave me 13 Panera Cinnamon Crunch bangles why I have no idea but she did and then it was like there goes my good day I ended up eating 5 of them yuck. Well I guess that means I have to work out extra hard tomorrow. I normally would be more upset about this but I'm trying to not get so worked up anymore about messing up because it just makes me binge more.

So tomorrow I'm meeting up with the ex-best friend for coffee yeah it was my idea but only to apologize and part ways. Like I've said before I'm an old fashion I believe in talking face to face with people but she took it as we were best friends again and is like I was there for you and you pushed me away. Which all I keep thinking is no you were not you whore so I don't know we will see were things go. I'm still am stand offish because she keeps throwing the fact that I wanted to kill myself on New Years in my face even though instead of helping me through it she went to bed that bitch. This is going to be a disaster we are meeting up for coffee for 2 different reasons. I will let you ladies know what went down tomorrow.

Hey Jamie I'm from Minnesota depending on tomorrow I might have to take a pit stop in Illinois sooner then I thought.

Love you ladies keep starving yourselves