Tuesday, November 29, 2011


This is it this is the body I want. She doesn't look scary skinny she looks perfect. Of course if she lost anymore weight everyone would know something was up. But this is right before you cross the line and people just assume you watch what you eat and exercise.

I'm contemplating putting up photos of my body from 2 months ago and now. There is a big difference between the two but I still look so gross and it will just make me look like a failure. Stay strong and good luck.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Well Hello ladies

First sorry about my last post it was completely unreadable. I know better then to post when I'm upset I can barely write a coherent thought when I'm feeling happy. So sorry I'll try not to do it again.

I hope everyone's Thanksgiving wasn't too torturous. I didn't get to go home this year. It sucked because I like my family........well at times I like them I should say I love them. Most of them if we weren't related we would not be friends. Anyway so I didn't go home which meant no battling temptation with all the food I just had a reduced fat peanut butter wrap and half of a Think Thin bar. I didn't really mind being alone I mean I got to sleep in for the first Thanksgiving ever and I got to do whatever I wanted. I'm going to miss Christmas this year too that will probably be harder on me but I've never been a Thanksgiving fan I don't like Turkey.

I turned 25 a week ago. Not much to say about that I'm 25 I still consider myself early 20's and I consider myself early 20's until the day I turn 30. Then early 3o's til I turn 40 and so on. Everyone always rolls their eyes at me when I say that but I honestly don't believe I ever have to get old. I mean yeah I have to age but I never have to get old. I'm hoping before I turn 26 to have finally lost this weight. I'm so close so so so close. I don't have a scale but my pants size keeps shrinking I'm almost a size 6. I want to be a 4 but I know once I get there it's not going to be enough and I'm going to want to be a 2 but I'm getting there that's all that matters.

So I met a guy and he's older than my like way older than me. Not old enough to be my father but pretty damn close it's weird. I get so mad at him because he keeps telling me how skinny and gorgeous I am. I just want to scream at him. I'm a beached whale and I'm a night time 6 at best which means I'm a day time 3. I like spending time with him and talking with him but people give us strange looks when we are together. It makes me uncomfortable I don't think he cares because he's the older man with the young chick but people look at me like a gold digging whore. Oh which by the way ladies can we stop judging each other like that I'm guilty of doing it too but we need to stop putting each other down. Anyway I know we aren't going to work out. I mean I can never bring him home to my family are you kidding me I would be disowned. I feel so bad because he's falling hard or so he says and I'm going to have to break his heart. I'm not a good person I'll just slowly kill his soul if we stay together and I'll always feel like I have to defend our relationship it's just not going to work. I'm so sad this is the first time since I've started writing this that a guy has wanted to be with me. It feels so good to be wanted again and now it's going away.

Ah I don't know I've got a lot to think about. Love you ladies stay strong.

Last thing I've finally found sometime to sit down and read some of your blogs so happy to finally get to do that again. I think your all fantastic and so amazingly brave to bare your souls like you do. I know there are a couple of you who have commented on one of my posts and I haven't followed you back. I promise you I'm getting around to it I love all my followers and want to give the same support back that you give me.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Had a little emotional break down

So I had a break down today and it sucked because it lead to ice cream fuck. It's all because of the temp job I have. I'm working as an assistant to a department SVP for a major movie studio. Why I was given this job when I've never worked as an assistant before but they told me I'd do fine. Then I went to meet the SVP and told her I've never done assistant work before but I have done data entry and answered phones. She told me I'd do fine but I'm not I keep fucking up and getting yelled at I just keep hoping at the end of everyday she will tell me I'm not working so I can get a different assignment. So I called my mom on my way home and just cried and cried and cried and I'm still crying. The thing is I don't cry well I do but not often I'm hoping tomorrow she lets me go. I mean it's not really like getting fired all that happens is they tell the temp place that they are done with me and I get placed again. I'm sure I would be doing better at this job if my boss wasn't so high strung but she is and every little thing I do wrong she yells at me for in front of the other assistants who work for her in the office with the door open so the assistants and other VPs can hear how terrible I'm doing. My mom and dad said I shouldn't but I don't know what to do. Ugh I'm so emotionally drained I just want something for once in my life to workout I always feel like I'm failing. Seemingly great seems to happen then everything goes to shit. And I know life goes up and down but it's like things always take a mother fucking sharp plunge into shit. Now it's never gradual or like a steady climb to greatness before falling no it's sky rocket up sky rocket down in every single aspect of my life.

Blah I'm just feeling sorry for myself things will be better tomorrow my brothers coming to visit me and I really excited because I really missed him. The moment I told him I was moving he immediately booked a close to my birthday so I wouldn't have to celebrate alone. I'm really excited at least for that.

As for the move it's going okay I'm still living in hotels I was hoping that this temp assignment would last long enough so I could find my own apartment and get then find someone to move in with me. It seems that would be easier since people would be coming to me. There are times that I'm home sick and it get's lonely because I don't know anyone here but I'm happy. Yeah I'm really happy. I'm exhausted I'm going to bed let's hope that my next post had better news. I know something good is going to happen for me I can feel it in my bones. I may never be prestigious or rich or famous or beautiful or any other thing people dream of but something is going to happen to make me proud of me and that's all that matters.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

I love/hate alcohol

Now I remember why when I drink I only have one or drink until I pass out. Tonight I drank a bottle of wine which means I have a bit of a buzz. A bit of a buzz for me means I can't stop eating so I've been eating and eating and eating and I can't stop. Even if the food tastes gross I've been eating it. Like the people at one of my old jobs in MN gave me ramen before I left and I've never had that before but I made a pack because I had to stuff my face. I ate it all but it was nasty it's so salty I hated every bite but I couldn't stop then I had to servings of Kashi cereal with skim milk and a single serving size cheez-it (fuck I love cheez-it if I had an economy size of cheez-it that shit would be gone in a day) and now I'm eating a pint of ben and jerrys schweddy balls which isn't even worth it because it's not very good. I was so excited for an ice cream with booze in it because no matter how under control I've gotten my drinking I still feel like I'm probably border line alcoholic and it's just going to take one thing to set me off. Anyway I'm going to finish my ice cream and feel terrible about myself but tomorrow and Monday I'm only allowed to eat an apple but I'm really shooting for no food. I need to start working out again also I was doing so good before i moved but now it's been a month since I've done anything and I'm starting to get bat wings under my biceps from lack of exercise. Yuck it's so gross to look in the mirror and jiggle my arm and see that flap of skin giggle even after I stop moving my arm.

I hope you ladies are having better control than I am. Happy Halloween and stay away from evil sugar filled candy

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Once again for the millionth time no title

So I've been in Los Angeles for a week now. I have to keep reminding myself that because my day consists of me filling out job applications for 8 hours a day it starts to feel like a lot longer than that. I'm currently jumping from hotel to hotel because I can't find a roommate. I know I have to stop using the free websites and shell out the 60 bucks for the one that everyone tells me to use but I'm too cheap excuse me I mean too frugal to pay. I give myself another week until I crack and join the site.

This first week was kind of crappy because my super cute zebra print bag that my friend gave me before I left was stolen. I'm not into animal print but it was like the perfect weekend bag and it was fun and I love things that are fun. Anyway so I lost my hair dryer and my brand new Hollywood obese jeans that were in it. Oh yeah I call myself Hollywood obese because I'm at the upper end of a healthy BMI but if I were to be cast in a movie I would be fat best friend/comic relief. Oh well I'm not buying more jeans until I get a new job I have limited funds and will just have to drown in my fat jeans until then.

I've had a few slip ups on eating but really done very well. A lady I use to work with gave me a 4 lbs bag of trail mix. I know who needs a 4 lbs bag of trail mix right. Well it was really great because a serving of trail mix was 160 calories not bad and it's got protein and other good shit. So for like the first 4 or 5 days of this adventure I only ate 2-3 servings of trail mix a day so only 320-480 calories a day not bad if I say so. I did eat McDonalds twice but it was a kids meal so 510 calories on top of the trail mix calories so not fantastic either. Then today I ate a whole box of special K granola bars at 90 calories a pop. Now I remember why I never buy them because the salty sweet ones are so good and I can never eat just one. Then I had a smart ones which was 320 calories so not a great day. Plus I just sat at my computer all day so I didn't burn anything. Most days thought I'm so busy driving around that I forget to eat which is good. I'm not going to beat myself up over my slip ups though because it just causes me to eat more which just causes me to hate myself more and starts a terrible cycle that just causes me to gain weight instead of lose.

That's it for now I can't wait for things to settle down so I can get back to reading everybody's (or is it s' I don't know I suck at grammar) I know I never comment because I don't feel like I have much to contribute but I do read them and am with you on your journeys in spirit. I'm going to start commenting though when I get back to reading them even if it's just a good job or keep your chin up because it's always nice to have the support.

Saturday, October 1, 2011


Again it's been awhile since I've posted. I've just been really busy getting ready to move to SoCal yay me. I leave Monday I'm so excited I'm finally going for it my family is pissed but fuck them and their negativity I'm going to do great things. I mean once I find a place to live and a job. I have so much to cover since the last time I posted and some of it is sad and I've had set backs but I really don't have time to get into it I have to finish packing. The only thing that really sucks about moving is all the going away I parties I've been going to. I mean don't get me wrong I really appreciate that people are going to miss me enough to throw me a party and want to wish me luck. I just hate that they have all been at restaurants. So I've had to eat because they are all watching me I feel like I've gained 30 lbs. At least I can starve on the drive to LA.

Anyway I just wanted to get on say to August that reading about your rat dying really made me sad. I don't think your rat sounds dumb are pets become families and it hurts like hell to lose them. I'm sure your rat knew how much you loved her animals can sense those things and I'm sure you being with her made it less scary for her.

Okay I'll probably be posting more on my drive across country.

Thursday, July 14, 2011


Blah my life has been so boring the past two years well three years as of August 1st. I've had no desire to constantly bore people with went to work, came home, went to bed. It's really pathetic I mean I'm 24 and scared to live life that's what I've done to myself. I've been so scared of life that I've successfully isolated myself from the world. It's gotten to the point where I've started making up stories about friends I don't have so people at work don't realize that I have no life. It's okay once I've gotten thin I'll make new friends until then I've got my imagination to keep me company. Fuck that makes me sound like such a fucking loser which I am.

On a positive I've lost 30 lbs in 2 months off of a diet of 1 granola bar for breakfast, 1 apple for lunch and a spoon full of peanut butter for dinner with sugar free under 5 calorie gum when ever I feel like I'm going to pig the fuck out.

I make no promises to update soon. Just know I'm on a journey to finally reach my ana goals and it (any Kerouac fans out their who get what I'm talking about because I've become obsessed with him) as fast as I can or I might finally lose my mind.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Extremely short post not of any importance.

Sorry for deleting my last post I wrote it pretty late at night and when I woke up the next day I wasn't happy with it so I deleted it. I haven't been happy with any of my writing lately I have so many posts saved as drafts because I just couldn't get the words out write. Even right now I'm having a hard time expressing what I want to say. I feel so awkward it's like I'm 13 all over again I hope I do back to normal soon.

Anyway I just wanted to jump on real fast to say sorry for the last post. I have to run and meet my sister for dinner which will consist of vodka and a lettuce. I need to drink when I see her because she only wants to meet up when she decides she needs to yell at me for something God she's such a bitch. I hope to be back soon good luck with your weight loss ladies.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

California bound

Well not yet but at the end February I'm heading to Hollywood for a week to search for a job and an apartment. I'm so excited so very very excited which for anyone familiar with my blog knows I really don't get excited about anything. I use to get excited about things but the last 3 or 4 years I've been just blah about everything. I have know idea where to even look to find a reasonably priced pet friendly apartment in a safe neighborhood (any suggestions) but I don't care. I'm going to be move by this summer and I just can't wait.

My parents though have been making all sorts of snide comments about if I fuck things up out there they wont be around to rescue me. Well I'm 24 fucking years old I don't need them to rescue me I just wish they would support me. It doesn't matter they can try to talk me out of moving half way across the country but it's not going to work my ticket is bought my room is booked and I'm going. Ah just so excited it can't get here soon enough I'm finally doing something that will make me happy.

Ok down to business I did a little bit better this week only 2 days over 1,000 calories. I really don't know what is wrong with me and my control. It's like some days when I have to eat because I'm meeting with some one it's like I have to force it down and pray that it wont come up 2 seconds later. Other days it's like I can't stop stuffing my fucking face. This week I'm only going to eat 900 calories or less everyday. I know 900 still sounds like a lot but I don't actually plan on hitting 900 calories I just like giving myself a lot of wiggle room just in case.

Oh I got asked about what happened with the whole drunken work slip up I totally forgot to update on that. Let's just say works been awkward since it happened. The guy I work with didn't lose his job but he was severely reprimanded and told if they heard another complaint about him not working he was gone. So he's not talking to me which is fine because he's creepy and smelly and gross. I'm just keeping my head down and not saying much because no matter how much I dislike the guy I don't want to cost anyone their job. Also the people I do really like aren't really talking to me either because they aren't happy with me about it so things at work are pretty lonely and crappy right now but I'll manage.

Hope to be back soon good luck ladies.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Not a great week

It's been an extremely exhausting week for me. Monday was spent with me on the couch crying while stuffing my face. Tuesday and Wednesday was spent trying to hold back the sobs that where threatening to escape from my body. Of course holding back the lump in my throat isn't just emotionally exhausting but it's physically pain pain too so my throat was sore by the end of the day. The last three days I've had my emotions more under control but I've still been stuffing my face. So needless to say I've only been under 1,oo0 one day this week.

The only plus side to being over 1,000 calories all week is that I started using my plate on livestrong.com. It's been really great way for me to track my food in take. So anyway I did the thing to determine my calorie goal instead of putting in my actual weight I put in my ideal weight and that I wanted to maintain it. So even though I've been over 1,000 calories I've been under the amount of calories I should eat to maintain my weight. I've even lost a few pounds this week but it would have been more if I would have been stronger. I will do better this week. So that was my week god I hope I didn't bore anyone to death with this post I'll work on making them more interesting again.

I'm so sorry your vet did that to you and your cat it breaks my heart. I couldn't even imagine watching that happen to one of my cats I would be just a mess. I'm just at a lost for words after reading I can't believe a vet would let an animal suffer like that.

I don't think your dogs blame you for their deaths. I always think if I were in the hospital about to die I would want someone I love to be there holding my hand and talking to me about all the good times we had while I took my last breaths I think it's the same for animals. I feel like being there and holding your animal shows them you care about them. Also having the strength to put then to sleep shows them you love them too much to let them live in pain or suffer in anyway.

Thank you to both of you wonderful ladies for your love and support I really needed it.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Sad day I lost my dog

Today I had to put my dog to sleep so all I've been doing is lying on the couch either trying not to cry or bawling my eyes out. The hardest part is how my heart breaks all over again when I walk in the door and he's not sitting there waiting to say hi. Or he's not running into the kitchen after me when I get a glass of water hoping I'll give him a treat.

I know we did the right thing putting him down because he was in so much pain and finally got to the point last night where he couldn't even stand up so my brother had to carry him outside to go potty. It wouldn't have been fair to make him live like that. He truly was the best dog in the world.

I guess that's all I'm trying to get back on some sort of posting schedule. It's been hard to make people read through my pathetic life. Anyway hopefully I'll post again soon.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

I'm an idiot

Fuck fuck fuck fuck me up the ass fuck. Went out for my holiday party with my company tonight and well I kind of fucked up. When I drink my tongue gets loose and I start talk talk talking like crazy. of course being that I've eaten very little today the booze hit me a little faster then if I pigged out like the fat ass I am. Anyway so I work at a printing company as press support which means I sit at the end of the printing press and watch whatever we are printing come out of the ink dryer looking for ink leaks or imperfections. I know what you're thinking that has to the so boring to do day in and day out. Well your right it is but it's money so I'm not complaining. The worst part about it is the guy who runs the press will be like I hate my job so I'm going to take 8 hours to print 500 sheets and it drives me insane. I've been so frustrated with him that I accidentally told the owner of the company this. I'm so afraid I cost a man is job because I have no filter when I drink and is even worse when I don't eat before. shit!!!

Fuck I'm so nervous about facing everybody on Monday I don't know what to do. Oh god what have I done.