Friday, July 31, 2009

Sick and Tired....By Everclear

I'm sick of writing the same post over and over again so I just decided to put in the song that pretty much is my life. I don't care if anyone comments because I know you are all getting sick of me writing the same god damn post over and over again too. The only difference between my life and this song is that it says I want women who are out of my reach and where as I want men that are out of my reach.

I break every day
Stressed out in every kind of way
I am sick and tired of bein' sick and tired
All I need and crave
Loud life with the power to fade
I am livin' 'cause I keep it all in, keep it all inside
Yeah, I keep it all in, keep it all inside
Love don't work for me
I want women who are out of my reach
I am sick and tired of livin' all alone
All I need for sure
Big love with the power to make more
I am livin' 'cause I keep it all in, keep it all inside
Yeah, I keep it all in, keep it all inside
I know I'm close to the fall
I know I'm dangerous
I'm afraid I'm going down
I blame my family
Their damage is livin' in me
I am sick inside and tired of my life
All I need, I swear
Go out with the power of a nightmare
I am livin' 'cause I keep it all in, keep it all inside
I keep it all in, keep it all inside
Yeah, I keep it all in, keep it all inside
I know I'm going to fall
I know I'm dangerous
I know I'm not going down alone
I keep it all in, keep it all inside
I know I'm close to the fall
I know I'm dangerous
I know I'm not going down alone
I'm not going down alone, I know

Monday, July 27, 2009

Boys, Boys, Boys

So no workout tonight was planning on hitting the gym after work but on of the sales guys who we will call T asked if I wanted to go out for drinks. I think we were going out just as friends because I think he has a girlfriend who he has 2 kids with. Now nothing was going to happen because 1) we really are just friends I know people don't think girls and guys came be just friends after a certain age 2) I have absolutely no sex drive right now well for the past 10 months which makes me so sad because I absolutely love sex. Well we were texting back and forth and he was like are you working tomorrow and I'm like no. He's all like Oh so you don't have a curfew big! (the curfew thing is a little inside joke) and I text back no, cause I'm a big girl now. He never sent anything back so now I'm sitting here going great job always say just the right things to make people uncomfortable now you are sitting alone in your apartment doing nothing when you could be getting trashed. I thought about texting him and asking if he still wanted to meet up for drinks but I just keep thinking why make things more awkward right.

Well even if I didn't go out at least it gave me a good excuse to get out of hanging out with C (no I don't mean Charlie this is a different guy). I've been buying pot from C for a few months now and he keeps trying to get into my pants. First off I don't date drug dealers because I'm not an idiot and how would I explain that to mom and dad "This is C he doesn't have a job, oh how is he able to afford to take me out well he sells drugs." Second he is just not my type I'm not turned on by him and every time he talks I want to punch him in the throat. I just want to say to him look you didn't grow up in the ghetto your mommy and daddy paid more for your k-12 education then I paid for college so lets stop talking like a thug on the street ok we all know you grew up in a mansion and got everything you wanted so shut the fuck up stop trying to feel me up because next time you touch my boob by pretending to wipe something I'm going to stab in the eye with a spoon." For real though next time he touches my boob I'm punching him.

Ok woo got that off my chest feel much better now. I haven't even told you about J yet but that is a long story that I will have to tell you another time because I'm just not in the mood to get into that train wreak yet. I'm not saying that I have boys falling all over me or anything and this is very unusual for me to have 1 guy show any interest in me let alone 3. Yet again I prove myself right that no normal health guy is attracted to me only way older, married/taken men, alcoholics and drug addicts I must just put out a vibe that says this girl is damaged if you are and asshole or fucked up in anyway fall for her.

Flushed- I think your explanation of why we encourage each other is spot on. Thanks for finding the words I couldn't to explain why we encourage each other to be disordered.

A.R.- I'm really glad you enjoy reading what I like. Don't feel bad about dropping out of school because of your depression I did the same thing with my first attempt with College/Uni. Going to College for the first time is hard enough to get use to then add depression on top of that and it's just overwhelming. I know how terrible it feels to drop out but just know that when or if you ever decide to go back it is easier the second time around because you know what to expect. Just remember not to let anyone let you feel bad about dropping out because they have no idea how hard depression can make the easiest task. Thanks for your taking the time to comment I really appreciate it.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Had a fantastic workout.

Hit the gym yesterday for an intense work out. Nice and easy 7 minute warm up on the bike to get the blood flowing. Then it was off to the wight machines for a total body work out. I was expecting to feel sore all over but really it's just in my shoulders. Then I hit the treadmill and only had time to like walk/jog a mile but I made the most of it. Started out at a steep incline walking for 1/4 of the mile then went down to no incline and jogged 1/4 and then repeated those for the last 1/2. I was sweating up a storm I normally don't jog because running and my knees aren't friends at all but today I forced myself since I wasn't going to be able to do 3 miles of fast walking. People always say running is the best but honestly before I started driving I walked everywhere and I was so tiny that I swear but walking.

Not much to eat today either just a bowl of organic honey nut cheerios with organic fat free milk. I just figured if I have to eat it might as well be natural because I already put my body through enough stress why put it through any more with processed food. I guess that's about all I have it was a pretty uneventful week for me but it was kind of nice.

Tasha- I've been trying to come up with an answer to the comment you left me all week. Honestly I don't know I really don't know how I can know that I'm doing something bad to my body and still encourage those who read my blog to starve themselves . I guess you could say that subconsciously I do it because I'm scared of being alone again. It just seems right to encourage them because they encourage me. As for the cutting know I don't expect anyone to understand why I cut. It's very hard to get people to understand why I do what I do and unless you hurt yourself to you really aren't going to understand. The best way to explain all this shit I put myself through is that "it's so painful and agonizing yet there is something so enticing about it."

Thanks to Amberly for that last line when I read that in the e-mail you sent me I was like that is one of the best ways I've ever heard it put I'm going to use that.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Sucessful 2 day water fast

I made it through work without passing out thanks to all the water I had been drinking. At one point I thought I was going to faint but I hurried over to my chair and let the feeling pass. I lost 4 lbs and it was a noticeable 4 lbs my jeans are falling off me and even my belt is too big for me now. I hadn't planned on fasting it just sort of happened I just wasn't hungry those two days so I didn't eat anything and to my surprise when I ended fasting I had a granola bar and some more water and was fine.

I'm pretty sure I'm subconsciously telling my self not to be hungry because my older sister just got engaged and guess who's the maid of I mean I know everyone will be looking at my sister on her wedding day as it's her day but still I'm not walking down that aisle as a fat ass. I know the weddings not till September of next year which gives me more then enough time to hit my goal weight but I want to get down to that weight faster then ever because I don't want to look like a cow when my sister has me model all the brides maids dress for her.

This is perfect because now with everyone busy planning it leaves me free to my own self destruction without the watchful eyes of my family. Which also means it's going to be easier to ward off suspicion if people get to suspicious about my weight loss. All I have to do is make a little joke about how I'm always on the go with school and work and helping with the wedding and how my dress is going to fall off me and change subjects. I've got this all worked out in my head as long as I keep to the plan I should be home free.

Flushed- I will be mainly getting my generals out of the way but I will be majoring in Theater so I will probably take a few theater classes to fulfill some of credits for a transfer degree so I can enroll as a Junior in the college I'm transferring to.

Remember ladies that sometimes hunger hurts but that just means you're doing it right.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Lord give me strength...

Not to pass out at work in front of the kids. It has been almost 2 days since i've had any food or any cals at all. I just have to make it through a 4 hr shift this is the longest i've gone without calories. I can do it just dont think about i'm not even hungry

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Saturday, July 18, 2009

No title

I've been gone for awhile now I don't really know what happened I was doing just fine. Then it's like boom over night I couldn't even find the strength to get out of bed. Thank you ladies so much for the support and for those of you who stuck around during my unexpected absence but there's no hard feelings to anyone who stopped following because of my lack of posting. Plus whenever I try to answer the comments that have been left for me I find myself not being able to find the words to answer you ladies because I'm so embarrassed by my behavior (it's that Catholic guilt that was bet into me at birth) even though you would think I would be used to making an emotional as out of myself by now but it never seems to get less embarrassing.

I guess I just felt like I really hadn't accomplished anything in my life so I just shut down. Then a few days ago I went up to the community college and enrolled for fall semester because something just needed to change. So now I'm going to the community college to get my generals out of the way and then transfer to a 4 year school to get my bachelors Degree in Theater with an emphasis in performing. I'm really surprised with myself I really wasn't planning on going back yet then I was driving past the school and for some reason decided to pull in and now I'm back in school. I have no idea how I'm going to pay for it but I really hope that it will help me feel better about my life.

For some reason while I was away I tried to convince myself that I didn't have an eating problem and gained some weight back yuck. I ate like a normal fat ass American maybe a day then I started to puke up anything I ate. For some reason though I still tried to convince myself that I was normal even though I was sleeping most of the time I wasn't at work and only drinking water because I didn't have anything to eat in my apartment. Last week I gave in and said to myself look self it's clear that this pretending to not have issues with food isn't fooling me so suck it up a deal with it you pansy moo moo cow. Have any of you ever had that happen where you for whatever reason decide to prove to yourself you don't have this issue with food or am I just weird?

I think I've blabbed on long enough but I guess if you follow this blog you know what a chatty pants I become sometimes hehe I can't help it.

Remember ladies to keep starving and you will soon be the envy of every girl around you.