Monday, April 27, 2009

Have the class and balls to confront people face to face

I was just the victim of an intervention via Myspace. My "best friend" who hasn't giving me the time of day the past 3 or 4 months and another girl I'm not really friends with just fucking had an intervention with me via my myspace inbox. I know I'm repeating that but fucking hell what is wrong with people these days. I'm a big believer in when you have something important to say to someone you give them the respect to say it to their face. None of this sit over the internet or phones that's bull shit, god damn mother fucking son of a jackass' whore bull shit.

I was so angry with my "bestie" it's like hey I haven't contacted you for 4 months I either ignore your texts or give you a lame ass excuse why I can't talk to you or hang out but now that I think you've hit rock bottom I'm going to step in and yell at you for being a bitch and making me feel bad about trying to help you. She didn't try to help me not until now no she just let me sit alone in my apartment crying because once again I let someone into my life when I should have know better.

Oh my gosh you guys I gave her a piece of my mind of did I fucking give it to her. She acts like she's been this great friend who was there for me the whole time but she wasn't. You know even after I lost my job my depression was getting better all I needed was my best friend to talk to me and want to hang out with me like once a month. Instead she never had time for me I mean I even had to mail her the fucking birthday present I bought her because she was to sick or to tired or to busy or (oh and this one was my favorite excuse) had to shampoo her apartment carpet. Yeah I believe that one that's almost as believable as the break up line it's not you it's me.

Then she had the nerve to tell me to get help and you all know how pissed I get about people telling me to get help. Which mainly I get mad about because everyone thinks just because I'm depressed I can't have a bad day the moment I'm not perky and smiley and talking about how wonderful life is and it's just rainbows and butterflies that I'm having some sort of break down and I need to get help. It's like for fuck sake I may be depressed but you know what I'm still a person and people have bad days whether they are depressed or not. I'm not going to kill myself because I'm down for one day fuck. Ah I'm so worked up right now you have no idea fucking bitch doing a myspace intervention on me. Oh oh this was probably my best line she was all like you need to eat something and I was all like I do eat now (lies all lies) which you would know if you took the fucking time to pick up the phone and say hey Ana Nas what's going on with you.

Oh that was such a good line. So pissed off at her just want to kick her in the taint. Ok on a good note though I now have a part time job I was hired today to babysit kids at a fitness club. The lady took one look at my application and said so I see you have previous childcare experience want the job and I was like heck yes. So at least there was one positive thing out of this day even though I was so upset of the myspace intervention I ate junk food like there's no tomorrow.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

I don't care.

Missed therapy today think my therapist is going to stop seeing me because of it I don't really care because she will just leave like everyone else. I want to cut myself so bad I don't remember the last time I cut it's been at least 2 months. I don't care anymore I've been so down and everyone gets mad at me for not pretending to be happy. I don't see myself going anywhere in life I don't see myself doing anything other than killing myself one day. I just don't know anymore can't get a job can't keep a friend, can't keep a therapist, all I do is sit alone sick of trying to get people to hang out with me because they never call back.

I'm getting to the point where I realize I should have never cleaned up people liked me better drugged up and drunk as hell at least I had friends then even if it was only guys who wanted to fuck an ugly whore. I don't know and I don't care if anyone reads this or not cause I've been to depressed to read the post you ladies write. Life just sucks when a friend says they are coming into town and can't wait to see you then you find out they are too busy for you and all you wanted was to hug someone who really cared. I guess I should have known better then to think someone who I care about actually cares back. I'm tempted to drive over to my ex best friends apartment and ring the buzzer and ask her to let me up because I'm sick of being alone. I just want to jump out my window nobody would even notice I'm missing.

Monday, April 20, 2009

I'm not in the mood to make up a title....

So I put my photos back for a few more days for anyone who didn't get to see them before. I don't ask me why cause I had to be crazy to post them in the first place.

I saw this posted on this week Post Secret and I started to cry.
1) because I feel this way all the time and just to see it written out like that was overwhelming to me.

2) The city in the back ground is Minneapolis, MN where I live well I live in a suburb of Minneapolis. The thing that really made me start to cry about this secret was I've walked down that street thinking the same exact thing, I've driven down that street thinking that same exact thing.

Hand to God I'm not making it up and I was not the one to sent this post card to Post Secret. I don't know I'm sure it's not that amazing but it is to me because in a weird way it made me feel like I wasn't so alone after all on a day when I felt like everyone had finally abandoned me.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Me at my heaviest....

*EDIT* Removed my pictures because I found out a bunch of people from my home town are reading this and can't take the risk of one of them recognizing me. Keeping the post because the comments I got keep me motivated.

I never want to look like this again. I can't believe I'm even going to show you these it's so disgusting

I'm sorry I'm not very pretty but that's me 1 year ago well the second one is from the night I was put on suicide hold 7 months agao when I hit 205lbs I look so disgusting

This is me 1 year and 7 months later and 41 lbs lighter. Yes, I am now 165 lbs a far cry from the 130 lbs I was 2 years ago. I know it's blurry and I'm still a fat ass but you can tell from my face and arm that I've lost a lot of weight. I'm still ugly but I'm getting closer to my goal weight. I will probably delete this post by tomorrow night so take a good look at my ugly fat self.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

My recipe for a good night.....


1/3 bottle Absolut Vodka Shots (original no flavors)
1 cell phone full of numbers of people who no longer care
1/3 bottle Absolut Vodka (no shots, and original)
1/2 bottle of .5 l (1 PT) Spring water (or fill an old bottle of water and fill it half way with tap water)
1 medium fast food joint Sprite (I'm using Jimmy Johns tonight)
5 Advil
1 packet of crystal light fruit punch on the go mix
1 straw to mix

1) First drink 1/3 bottle of Absolut Vodka in shot forum. It should be regular vodka with no chaser I mean come on ladies if you can tolerate Ana and Mia you can stand doing a vodka shot without flavor or chasers or am I the only chick left who can take shots of hard liquor without a chaser (those of you who can way to be strong)

2) Call the friends who always said they would be there for you and realize they no longer want to talk to you because god forbid you are always there for them and they never want to help you out. Plus your pot dealer is no longer picking up your call because he is you ex boyfriends good friend

3) Grab you medium fast food joint sprite and drink 1/3 of that

4) Pour in 1/3 bottle of Absolut Vodka

5) continue to sip while ice melts and realize it's a bit to strong so add 1/4 bottle spring water

6) mix with straw realize it's still too strong so mix the rest of the water

7) drink until you have 1/3 mix left and aren't feeling high enough so smash up 5 Advil and mix with vodka/sprite/water mix.

8)add Crystal light fruit punch on the go mix so mask the taste of Advil

9) Chug the mixer and realize after an hour that your body is so use to having to take either Ritalin or Adderall since 2nd grade and the attempted pill over doses and excessive drinking from the past that all it does is make you feel like you did the first time you got drunk plus that fact that you use to have depression head aches in high school that you took at least a handful of 10+ Advil pills everyday when you got home that 5 Advil does nothing.

10)Take an hour to type your recipe for a good night on your blog because your laptop key board is breaking and you are drunk and add the sounds of an episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians that you've seen 12 times with that of the fat ass 1200 lbs white chick fucking her creepy ass skinny man who rapes you with his eyes where the white parts aren't white but yellow husband

And that my ladies is the recipe for an Ana Nas (Niki) night

Blah blah blah my computer is breaking so I'm not able to post everyday or comment on many of the blogs I read. I have to most of the keys 3 or 4 times before the letter/number/space will show up my fingers hurt so bad. I don't know how much longer I have until it completely breaks down and since I have no job yet (yes, it's now been 3 months now) I can't get a new one. If all else fails I will have to resort to posting from my phone.

Okay moving went to Jimmy Johns for lunch and had a turkey sandwich since I refuse to have food in my apartment unless it's for show when people are coming over. So that sandwich was 545 calories (Yuck) but that's the only thing I've eaten all day so not feeling to bad about it. Tomorrow I'm going to start pushing myself to exercise more since my energy levels seem to be back up. So I'm really excited to see my weight start dropping even faster.

Alright ladies I can't keep typing I love you all stay strong and let those bones show.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Time to get back on track

I need to stop slacking off and get my butt back in gear. It was nice to go on a vacation I desperately needed but I can't give up on all my hard work now. I decided not to post again until I started to lose some of the weight I lost from California I looked like such a cow after that trip. After the food poisoning I was able to avoid food pretty easily when I was asked if I wanted something to eat just by saying 'No, I'm okay' or 'Thanks but when I was running around the (insert theme park name) with the three girls I ate so much I'm full'. It helped that my uncle wanted me to watch the 3 teenage girls while we went amusement parks because I'm a roller coaster fanatic while the uncle and his wife went to other places with the 1 and 2 year old kids. By day 6 my uncles wife was like every time someone asks if your hungry you just say 'No, I'm fine' why is that? I made up some lame excuse that since I've started dieting and lost 40lbs my stomach has shrunk so much that I just don't get hungry. I don't think she believed me because she gave me this weird look and was like oh ok. FYI I know she is technically my aunt but because she and my uncle got married when I was 19 instead of before I was born or when I was a little kid she really doesn't seem like my aunt. She's so sweet and really cool but we both think of each other as girlfriends instead of aunt and nice. Then after that every time they asked me what I wanted I had to get something because every time I tried to refuse she started asking questions. I couldn't believe how much junk she eats I mean she is so skinny I'm so jealous. I know it's because she runs but I can't run I have bad knees from when I played basketball. I ended up eating so much shit those last three days I gained like 10 lbs from all the shit I shoved in my mouth it's so gross. I started to get myself back on track and started losing that vacation weight and am looking forward to moving froward.

I also told my parents my plans to move to Hollywood and well it didn't go over to well. The conversation basically ended with me crying about what a failure I am and them lecturing me on how I always just give up whenever they have these talks with me. Hey they would do the exact same thing if they were me it's like no matter what I do it's never good enough unless I do it the way they decide is right and they wonder why I can't make my own decisions. So I get to stay in a state where I have no friends, no job, no hope and no future thanks mom and dad for once again crushing my dreams.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Flying home today but considering packing everything up and moving here. I went to Hollywood on Thursday and fell in love with the energy of the city. Plus there really isn't anything left for me in Minnesota. I can't find a job, friends, a guy, hope, or reason to stay. All that's waiting for me are boys who hope I've become a slut again, parents who get angry when I make my own choices, bills, joblessness, depression and the death of my dreams. I need to start over and hope I get it right this time. I need to do something for me and I think this is it. Hollywood brought me hope and excitement and just things I haven't felt in a while. I think I'm going to do it no I know I am. No more putting off for other people fuck them and their empty promises first chance I get I'm gone

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Thursday, April 2, 2009

Hey ladies I miss you all so much it's killing me to not post everyday so I caved and am posting by phone. I've done ok sticking to ana it's hard when my uncle and his wife start making me feel guilty for not eating enough. They backed off a little because on Monday I was really sick after eating these beef short ribs they ordered me on Sunday. I spent all of Monday alone in my villa [I know right my uncle doesn't stay at hotels he stays at villas] in the bathroom or in bed but no eating. Tuesday was spent walking around Disneyland for 12 hrs with very little food. Wednesday was a lazy day. Today we will be going to Hollywood and walking all over so I will be able to walk off whatever cals I eat. I put my red bracelette or however it's spelt on to give me strength. Miss you girly girls stay strong starve on

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