The other day I was feeling pretty bad about my past posts the other day. I always feel like when I talk about my problems everyone thinks I'm just trying to make people feel sorry for me. I don't want sympathy truthfully I don't feel like I deserve that I never have and never will. Look I started this blog to finally be able to stop holding everything inside and maybe find people who relate to me so they don't feel alone anymore.

Look my little title description thing warns you that this blog isn't going to be about rainbows, puppy dogs and all that other happy shit that makes me sick. So I say if people don't like that I "bitch" too much well then you can fuck off. Look I'm not writing this in response to anything or because someone said something I don't really know why I decided to write this. Probably because I was going to write more about my day and just didn't want to feel like I was burdening people with my problems. I don't want to feel guilty about what I write because I'm all paranoid about what people think. I will probably write about my day later but I think this is enough for right now.

Not having a great few days way to much eating. I had to eat last night for Moms birthday but today ugh I was just being little miss oinky oinky fat pig. First I ate a bunch of chocolate covered pretzels that my best friend bought while we were at work. Then after work I decided to continue my fat cow quest and got Subway. I was only going to eat half of it but I ended up eating the whole thing so I tried to purge it but because I didn't really drink anything with it the sandwich just wouldn't come up blah such a fat cow. I'm thinking about going to get a shake and a cheese burger and then throwing that up because that always works but I don't want chance it especially since I ate so much already today.

Add that with the fact that my depression has gotten to the point where after work I just come home and collapse from exhaustion that I'm unable to exercise and things aren't looking to good. I have to get back on track with eating it's the only thing that I have to satisfy my inner Ana. Ugh at least I haven't cut myself in a week so I mean I'm still somewhat in control. I just need to pull it together I still haven't even gotten out to find new vitamins yet so I'm sure that's not helping with the energy levels either.

Anna I was wondering if you could tell me what you take so I can just run to the healthy food store and pick it up. I would really appreciate it if you could help me out.

Remember ladies the most beautiful people in the world are thin

Had two bowls of ice cream with chocolate syrup today. I'm not angry or upset at all because I was eating it with my mom. She had surgery yesterday and even though it was only a day surgery where you go in for surgery and stay in the hospital for a few hours after then go home. It was just nice to have that moment with her today cause I really love my mom and would be really sad if I lost her.

I am upset about how much I ate last night with my best friend though. God I like pigged out like the fat girl I am. She is the only person who can make me eat and she knows it. I felt little better because she kept telling me how much thinner I have been looking. She was like I'm so jealous of you I wish I looked as good as you do right now. I know she was probably only saying it to make me eat but I really needed to hear that from someone. Ah...she needs to stop making me eat or I'm going to end up being so chunky yuck. So no more eating until tomorrow night for moms birthday dinner which shouldn't be to hard since I only eat once a day on eating days anyway.

Blah need to stop thinking about food or I'm going to get hungry. New tip that may help you or may not but thought I'd put it out there. On days that I'm not eating I keep two glasses/bottles of water by me at all times. One with full of warm water and one with ice cold water which I alternate taking drinks from. This way I'm able to make myself feel full with the warm water while still burning those calories with the cold water. I don't know it seemed to make fasting a hell of a lot easier because I wasn't feeling as hungry maybe it was just a mental thing but it really seemed to work.

Hope all you ladies are shedding those holiday pounds remember ask someone to show you beauty and they will show you a thin person.

Thanks for all the support guys I just have been so down lately. Yeah I'm getting help for it and all but right now nothing seems to be helping but spending time with the family seemed to help a bit. As angry as I can get with them I've been through enough shit in my short 22 years to know that my family are the only people in the world that will always stand by me. I feel really lucky in that way because not everyone has a family like that.

Anyway I did really good at both family events I ate very little in fact everyone was asking me if I had eaten anything or why I was eating so little. I just said that I was watching my weight trying to get back down to a healthy weight (Which I am a "healthy" weight according to doctors) again and everyone one was like oh good for you and I thought you looked a lot thinner. That felt really good to hear. Got on the scale a few minutes ago and after 2 days of eating yummy bad for me food I only gained 2 pounds. Granted gaining is never good but it was only 2 lbs so I really kept in control. Ah control I love control I love it I love it I love it. Everyday I'm closer to becoming perfectly broken closer to becoming perfect I will be perfect. Although I do want Ice cream right now but I had to watch my girls next door dvd to make sure I don't binge plus most things are closed on Christmas day helps to.

So I'm still feeling down but I not nearly as bad as Monday. Hope you ladies didn't eat too much at the Christmas gathering. BTW Hana I like to do pot to get out of my suicide funks so your not alone I would love some coke but everyone I know who sells coke wont sell it to me because I'm depressed IDK. I like to drink with my best friend when I'm depressed drinking alone is never good.

Remember ladies thinner is the winner.

I tried to kill myself on Monday obviously it didn't work. I'll that happened was I ended up sleeping for 24 hours which caused me to have a no call no show to work so I will probably be fired. That will be job number 4 this year God I suck at life. I apparently I suck at trying to kill myself too. I feel really bad about it but people just kept pushing and pushing and pushing and I just couldn't take it anymore. I'm really kind of glad that I didn't die because that would have made my Mom really sad and this Christmas has been really hard on her already with it being the first one without Grandma (her mom). Just having a really hard time right now because all I keep thinking about is how happy I was at this time last year and now how much I hate myself. Even though I was really fat last year I was loved and it didn't matter because he loved me. God I just want to be loved again I just want someone to want to be with me I just want someone to want to be with me. I want to cut myself so much I just want to close my eyes and never open them again.

I must be strong must try to make it through this try to hold it together for another day

Merry Fucking Christmas another family gathering where everyone in both sides of family get to see I'm still the fattest of the 3 kids in my family. I tell you this it will be the last holiday they get to think that hehe. On Ester they will be thinking how thin I am and one of the other 2 will get to see what it feels like to be the fat kid in the family. Sticking to water the rest of the day except for at dinner when I will be eating a little so as not to attract attention to my eating disorder. So like I said before Merry Fucking Christmas I have lots to say but no time to say it time to go bye 1 more gift then it's off to the family gathering.

Total broke the fast today lasted about 2 days before I couldn't take it anymore. Well I probably would have been fine but I had to go to the grocery store to buy cake food and it was all down hill after that. I was in there for like 2 hours picking something up walking in a circle back to the aisle I was just in to put it back. I was thinking about getting white rice because the really thin people I hang out with eat it like all the time and they are twigs. Then I picked up the box and saw it was 200 hundred calories per serving I said screw this there is no way in hell I'm eating 200 calories with a cup of rice. I finally left with Kitty food, whole wheat bread and a Kit Kat bar. I really wasn't planning on eating it was more of a comfort thing. The thought of not having anything to eat was freaking me out but anyway that's not the point. I had to break the fast because I ended up passing out today in my apartment which is really scary because I live by myself so if I would have cracked my head open there would have been nobody around to find me. When I can to like 3 minutes later I decided that I needed to eat something so I had a piece of the Kit Kat bar and some bread. I'm starting it again tomorrow I can't eat til Wednesday night I will not allow myself to pig out. I will not give in to hunger I will not be weak I can do this I know I can failure is no longer an option for me.

Thanks Shopia I feel better knowing that everyone is a bitch the first time. I'm also glad to know it gets easier each time I can't wait for that. The last few days I have felt like I was going through puberty all over again hehe. So just going to eat another piece of bread and then I'm done eating for the night. I got my fruit juice and crystal light ice cubes all frozen and ready so if I get dizzy, light headed or pass out in the next few days I will be able to pop a juice ice cube in my mouth and get my strength back. Woo here we go again ladies round two and I'm ready for it.

I found this website while I was searching the Internet today. 8 pages of thinspo nice mix of models and real thin girls.

Having a bad day really cranky don't really want to talk about it just wanted to get that off my chest. Sorry ladies I'm just a little cranky because I'm doing my first water/coffee fast (without my once a day snack for my pills) and the hunger is making me a little edgy today. Going to try and keep it up until Christmas Eve dinner.

Keep reaching for those goals ladies I know you can be thin and sexy.

Had binge number two of the week Thursday night. Drank a half gallon of Low Fat Chocolate milk and a big piece of cake. Yuck I've never drank a half gallon of any milk as fast as I did during the that horrible binge. I have to tell my therapist that I'm just to busy weeks that she isn't able to see me on my day off. I'm just not able to deal with it when I haven't had time to prepare myself for all the different emotions. Just thinking about it is making me hungry so I'm going to clean the litter box so I don't eat anything and have some more water. I didn't eat anything on Friday and I'm going to eat very little today geez....shut up stomach I don't know why you keep making noise I'm not going to feed you so shut up shut up.

anyway thanks for letting me know about the vitamins Anna I will have to go to GNC tomorrow and get some better ones.

I stopped taking my multivitamin a few days ago I know it's really bad because I'm not getting nutrients from food. I had to they were starting to make me feel sick. It really didn't hit how much they kept me going until today. I'm so exhausted I know I know I'm always exhausted but this isn't normal sad depression exhaustion it's different it's heavier if that makes sense. I don't know I better start taking them again tomorrow to fix this problem but for now I'm off to bed because I can hardly keep my eyes open tonight. I have so much that I wanted to say but can't get the words to string together right.

Hope the rest of you are working hard to show off those bones. Stay strong ladies

Yeah I'm okay after the date from hell just really disappointed in him. Besides that been having a good week eating wise. Well except for the binge on Monday after 2 days without food. Otherwise I have been able to keep it under 600 calories a day. I'm really excited that I'm getting to the point again where I don't get those hunger pains anymore. When I was at my lowest weight I got to a point where I was never hungry and I had to force myself to eat the little bits I did so now that I'm feeling that way again I'm really excited. I just need to get the exercising back on track now and the weight should start coming off like crazy.

I must say that I'm also really happy that even though I'm losing weight left and right my boobs seem to be staying the same which makes me happy. I know they are just fat and fat is gross but I like my boobs and boys like my boobs. Oh well if it means I'm thin then I will deal with it I mean they probably wont fully go away but they wont be as awesome as they are now. The only perk to being a fat girl was the great chest but since that is the only perk I'm willing to give them up.

Anyway not much to talk about just been running around getting ready for Christmas. Just 3 more presents to buy and I'm done. It will be so nice not having to deal with crowded parking lots and long lines.

Hope all you ladies are losing that weight before the Holiday gathering with the family.

I hope this makes sense because my head hurts to much to read over this before I post it if it doesn't I will fix it later tonight. Didn't eat at all yesterday that's about the only thing good that happened. Ah my date sucked ass so here's what happened in a nut shell.

He was trying to hang out in my apartment to get in my pants I told him no and if he wasn't going to take me out on a date he should leave. He decided he didn't want to leave so agreed to go to a movie with me. Didn't want to see the movie I wanted to see and I didn't want to see what he wanted to see. I got pissed because he was trying to make me agree to stay at my apartment where he would try to convince me to have sex but I wasn't budging and now I'm being a bitch because I'm pissed. I was sexually assaulted once and now when I say now I fucking mean no don't try anything funny or I will fuck you up. I mean before the assault when I said no I meant no but now if you try something I will resort to violence to protect myself. Really fucked up part is that he knows that happened and he was my shoulder to cry on yet he doesn't seem to care.

Anyway back to the story of the worst date I've had in a few years. So he knew that I wasn't falling for his tricks so now he said that in order to see the movie I want to see I have to win a coin toss. I'm even more pissed off now because not only is he not treating me with respect but I just want to go out to a funny movie and laugh. I won the coin toss we go to the theater and the whole way in he is walking two feet behind me. I really couldn't figure out why at first I thought is he looking at my ass.....no that is covered my my bulky winter coat.......well maybe he feels bad for being an ass. Well it was neither it was because he didn't want to pay for the tickets. That's right not only is he now not respecting but he is also being a cheep ass hole.

Oh it only gets better from there believe me. He goes wait a minute I want some candy so he goes up to the counter orders something for himself doesn't even ask me if he can get me something God forbid he shell out like 5 bucks on me after I bought his fucking ticket. I would have said no anyway I'm a fucking Anorexic. So he gets his candy we go in the theater and he doesn't even offer to even give me a piece again fucking Anorexic I wouldn't have eaten it but it would have been the polite thing to do.

But it's still not done yet I really wanted it to be but it wasn't. So he drives me home and you could cut the tension between us with a butter knife. So I'm thinking he has to feel that this isn't working I'm sure he will just drop me off and leave. Oh I was so wrong he invited himself up to my apartment becuase he still thought he was going to get some. I can't understand why because I told him I'm not having sex with him. So he sits on my couch like practically ontop of me and turns on the Football game and is still trying to put the moves on but it just isn't happening. So then his cell phone goes off and guess what it is that's right the dude text me at this time to give me an excues to leave if I'm not getting any text. Then he asks me if we will hang out again soon and I give in the most shocked trying not to laugh in his face look and say maybe but I'm pretty busy with work and stuff so I don't know. Next time he calls I'm just going to be like you know what this isn't going to work I'm just not feeling it.

Oh oh I forgt to tell you he had the nerve to text me and ask me why I was so willing to give it up before my ex but not after my ex. I just looked at him and said I've grown up I was very self destructive back then (still am but he doesn't need to know that) and the ex treated me right treated me with respect. He showed me that I shouldn't except anything less then a man how treats me right so I no longer sleep with people who don't back off when I say no.

Also to top it off it was freezing rain today so my car doors where frozen shut and when I finally got them open and got in the car it wouldn't start so now I have to take the bus to work tomorrow which means I have to leave at like 6 am to be at work at 8am. Oh well at least I didn't eat a thing yesterday just drank so chocolate coffee which is higher calories then the black coffee I have started to drink to give my body something to keep my pills from fucking with my tummy

Did amazing today only about 550 cals (yes way to get back on track Ana) I'm feeling energized because of it. Well that might be from trying a bunch of different coffees today trying to find the one I liked best. It's so bitter I just want to add some sugar and cream but I just keep telling myself to suck it up and drink it. Thanks for the suggestion K the Dunkin Donut Coffee was probably the best plain coffee I tried today.

Hopefully the caffeine will keep me up long enough to get ready for the date I have tomorrow. I'm really excited to go on a date with this guy because even when I was over 200lbs he would always tell me how gorgeous I was. Honestly it wasn't just to get in my pants either because he knew I wouldn't cheat on my ex. The last time I saw him I was just a bitch because I had just been released from the hospital stay so I hope things go better. I can't wait till he sees how thin I've gotten since we last hung out. I'm no where near where I want to be but I'm getting there. I just have to find away to let him know that I'm not really ready for a serious relationship yet I'm just looking to go on some casual dates to get use to being on the market again. Also to let him know that I'm not using him as a practice date that this could turn into something more just not right now.

Anyway I'm off to pluck the eyebrows, shave my legs and just run around in circles from all the caffeine.

Remember to keep staving ladies and don't let anyone stop you from reaching your goals.

Spent the last two days staying with my best friend which helped. Just trying not to binge today been doing pretty good so far. I get so hungry late at night because those old stoner habits of late night runs to Taco Bell yuck that place is so gross. Running around at work all day made me feel a little better today just got to stay away from food for the rest of the night and it will be a good day. Just going to go bed I'm not even going to talk about what is on my mind today because I just don't want to ruin this almost perfect day of just eating 3 fun size candy bars.

BTW I'm just starting to drink coffee and just wondering if anyone has any suggestions for which brand to try I'm not a big fan of Folgers but any suggestions would help.

No thinspo quote today just keep working hard ladies

I'm going out with my bestie tonight so I'm posting early today. Uneventful day sat around doing nothing because I have $50 in the savings account and around $100 in the checking. Being poor is really starting to stress me out. It's not like I just became poor or anything I've been there for awhile but this is the first time in my life I've been poor to the point that I can no longer afford my to pay my bills.

I feel as though I will continue to sink never making my way back to the surface. I know the economy is bad and that everyone is having trouble making it but it makes me angry to know that I wouldn't be in this situation if I was a different person. If I had been a stronger person I could have had more control I could have held off the emotions longer. I had pushed everything down and kept it inside since I was 15 you think I could have held it in until January at least then things have been a little better. I can't even afford Christmas and everyone says just make stuff for your family this year but I can't even afford the supplies to make presents. I'm just praying that the bills I couldn't pay this month don't get sent to the bill collectors and that they don't shut off my power. My power bill was only $48 and I didn't even have the money for that. Life is getting so hard for me that I'm thinking about ending it all. I know there are people in other parts of the world that have things a lot worse then I do so don't feed me that bull shit I've herd it a million times from my parents. I'm so greatful to my bestie for knowing exactly what it feels like to be in my position and is letting me stay with her tonight because I shouldn't be alone right now because I don't want end up doing something stupid.

I'm greatful for the support I get from you ladies especially when it comes to bingeing. Thank you a million times I'm sure I will never be able to express just how much it means to me that people take time to just read what I write.

Stay strong ladies

Few days off from blogging clear the head did some good not feeling as negative today. Wanted to take a take a walk when the snow storm hit. It was the perfect snow though big fluffy flakes that are perfect for catching on your tongue. It was a little sad though as I was catching them I found myself wondering if they had any calories. I know right how weird is that I guess that's what happens when ana runs your life.

I had been doing ok on the eating but fudged it up today. Had therapy today instead of Wednesday like normal so I hadn't prepared myself mentally for it. Normally I prepare myself because after my sessions I want to go to the Dairy Queen next door for an Oreo Blizzard or just pig out but am able to control myself with the prep work. Today I had to work and drive in a snow storm and blah blah blah and after the session I went across the street and had some McDonald's and felt so gross after wards. I tried to puke it up but it wouldn't come up so instead I walked back and forth between my little apartment with weights in my hands. Ended up taking a break to post then it's back to working out.

It's days like this though I wish I had the money to have a gym membership but let's face it when you only make $10.85 an hour and have close to $6000 in hospital bills it's just not going to happen. Got to get back to the exercising to work off my mistake.

It was really good to hear from you A I just worry when I don't hear from people in awhile like I'm really nervous about not hearing from Nobody in awhile. Thanks to everyone for keeping me going and giving me a little slap in the face and bringing back to reality when I need it I appreciate it ladies.

Remember what I should have earlier today just say no and keep your mouth closed

Quick post then I'm not coming back till Monday not that anyone cares. I just have one sentence to say and here it goes.

Got stood up yet again probably cause I'm a fat ass and everyone hates me way to go ugly.

Good eating day only ate 500 calories. Been trying to eat the real food but it is making me so hungry I just need a candy bar those always keep me full and I was so thin when that was the only thing I ate all day. I eat half a chicken breast today in front of my friend she was so proud that I ate it that she started telling me what a good girl I was like I was her dog.

Ready to go to bed I wasn't suppose to work until 1 pm today but I got called in at 11 am then worked til 9pm. Those bastards can't do anything unless I'm there. I know it's my department but still come on do I have to get called in for ever little thing they can't figure out. How hard is it to make a copy geez. Ah.....sorry ladies I'm so negative lately I just I don't know.

Oh and A I hope you still read sometimes. I really really miss you and just hope you are doing good. I think I'm going to maybe take a few days off from posting I think I really just need to clear my head and get my shit together.

Keep starving Ladies

Still not drinking enough water and didn't exercise at all today. Spent most of my day crying because for the first time in my life I was able to open up about finding my uncle after he committed suicide when I was 4. Therapist always get really interested in me when they find that fact out. I don't tell many people about it but it's always in the back of my mind. Doctors think it's probably the under lying cause for the depression. It's probably why I seem so cold to people because I don't want to get close to people and have them leave me so if I'm shy and don't open up to people I wont get hurt. Now I wish I had someone to hug me and tell me they knew what I felt like. Sad thing is it will never happen because I've seen something most people in my country at least will never see never have to experience first hand. As much as I love my uncle and wish he was here with me I hate him for the choice he made. I was 4 years old and that was the day my childhood ended. So I've been the little 35 year old since that day thanks for fucking me up for the rest of my life uncle I love you too.

Still feeling pretty low don't really want to talk. Now I know why people hate hearing me talk I'm so boring. Anyway I've stopped trying to eat real food because it just makes me want to eat more. Instead I find like eating a Crunch Candy bar at 6:30am keeps me full all day. I don't know it's probably because when I was a swimmer I use to be a sprinter. So instead of my coaches letting me eat fruit and pasta they would be like 15 minutes before you race chow down a snickers bar then don't eat anything until 15 minutes before your next race. So I normally I would swim the freestyle which was at like 7am and the back stroke which was like at 1pm at the earliest. I guess in my head I have always just learned to convince my body that the candy bar will keep me full all day. Need to drink more water though it just gets so hard when it starts to get cold out. Tomorrow is my day off from work woo hoo but it's also therapy day boo. Also the day when I get to take like 3 to 4 really long walk normally I get 1 short and one long. Plus it's wasted Wednesday (I'm trying to get that to catch on) with the bestie.

Five Finger Death Punch Lyrics that reminds me of Ana
"Well I'm so empty/I'm better off with out you and your better off without me"
The Bleeding

"As wicked as you are you're beautiful to me/You're the darkest burning star your my perfect disease"
The Bleeding

"I wont eat another rotten apple/though I've grown to like the taste"
White Knuckles

Here's on for the mias
"I'm taking back control with my knuckles/I'm taking back control with my knuckles"
White Knuckles

I cut myself again today. First on my leg and didn't even bother to try and stop the bleeding then on my hip so I had something to remind me I'm still alive tomorrow at work. I'm just ready to fall asleep after I stopped slipping into naps around 8 pm didn't sleep at all last night. I just want some ice cream with Oreo cookies in it and a chocolate shake and a chocolate malt and some cake and some other yummy junk food I can't have because it will make me fat. I just lost 2 pounds in one day and I don't want to gain it back. Just need to keep my eyes open til 8pm when Gossip Girl ends then I can go to bed. Stay strong stay strong I just want to be down another 7lbs by Christmas. I know that isn't a hard goal to reach but since I don't wont to put too much expectation on myself when I'm feeling so low lately.