Sorry the next few days I will be posting about family/depression issues not eating habit related

Yes, I am going to feel sorry for myself in this post and I don't care because I need it right now I just need to let it all out and type and cry and not have to apologize for my actions. This post probably wont flow to well because I don't plan on reading it after I'm done I'm just posting right away when I finish because it's about getting the emotions out not composition.

So my sister called me tonight and bitched me out about my behavior. I haven't want to hurt myself in awhile yes there was the vicodin/drinking at Christmas because I just wanted to feel numb again. Tonight I really want to just cut and bruise and burn every inch of my body. I decided that posting would probably take my mind off of things so here I am. She just went on and on about how I've messed up and need to pull my life together and how she's sick of having to forgive me for being a fuck up. I didn't say much besides okay because I was holding back tears. When she finally said she didn't want to be around me because I say things that make people sad. Then she asked me why I didn't want to be a "normal" happy person and I finally couldn't hold in and cried so hard. She back peddled and say she cared and didn't mean to hurt me but the damage is done. I know I will forgive her for what she said but I wont ever forget it. For the rest of our lives I will never be the real Nas in front of her it will always be an act. Even one day when I get better and I'm that wicked funny carefree lovable girl again she will never truly see that because I will always be on guard afraid she still thinks I'm fucked up or insane in someway because of her intervention. I fucking hate interventions they wouldn't be so bad if people went about them the right way but they don't do they. No, they don't instead of being caring and concerned they are mean and throw every little thing you've done wrong in your face and belittle you until you are a sobbing mess on the floor. It makes me bitter it makes me not want to get help it makes me want to go fucking insane. Yes, I get it she is angry at me for Christmas (I so can't even get into that right now) but that doesn't give her the right to be a bitch it really doesn't. She just doesn't get it she doesn't understand what I'm going through and when I try to explain she gets angry and tells me that I'm not even trying. I am trying in fact I've been making good progress with my depression on my own but nobody sees that they just see the one slip up and that's what they are all waiting for. They don't want to praise me for my progress they want to find a reason to rip me to shreds to make me feel ashamed of being depressed and never talk about it.

You know what fuck my sister and fuck my parents maybe they are ashamed of me and what I've gone through but I'm not I'm fucking proud of myself. I'm fucking proud that I hit rock bottom once or twice but didn't give up on life I kept fighting. I shouldn't even be alive right now but I fought I pulled myself up after trying to kill myself a year ago when my family do nothing but avoid me. They shoved me in the shitty apartment and forgot about me while I battled back with nobody by my side. I'm proud of the fact that I can admit that I struggle with self harm because it made my 13 year old cousin tell me that she's starting to do the same things. She gets the one thing I never had and wanted more then anything when I started hurting myself she gets a person who understands. I get to tell her I understand and it's going to be okay you aren't alone. I will be helping to prevent her from the hurt and self hate many of us go through everyday and if that makes my family ashamed then like I said fuck them.

Always ruin everything

Another holiday another chance for me to fuck up! I haven't been
around much because I've been trying so fucking hard to make things
right for my family to atone for my sins towords them but it's never
enough. It's never good enough nothing I do is ever good enough. The
night of my birthday mom had to bring up my suicide attempt. Two days
later it was both parents telling me I was a fucking loser and will
live under a bridge with my uncle cause I suck. Yesterday (christmas
eve) it was we are going to take the animals and move into a 1 bedroom
apartment so nas couldn't live with them. Today on the way home from
Christmas day dinner i was I drunk (I wasn't) and embaressed my when I
was talking to my aunt about how my cousin should call me because she
started cutting herself and I "use" to hurt myself too so I could help
her through it. Just I'm a horrible person for talking about that
stuff at Christmas because it's a horrible thing to tell people. I
should be ashamed if being so fucked up so I decided to take some
vicidin with wine in hopes to numb the self hate probably take
somemore in a little bit in hopes of who knows what. I mean it's not
like dad can bitch anyway he use to leave my sister in charge of me
when she was 6 and I was 3 because he was to depressed to do anything
after work but sleep. Fuck them all I hope the vicidin kills me
because as they said I fuck up everything I will never make up for the
sins I have committed against them. I just want to scream at them I
maybe my fault I'm fucked up but it's your fault i'm alive.
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Wow I'm so out of it

So I guess today is my birthday. How could someone not know it's there birthday you ask I have no idea but I did. I pretty much spent all of yesterday either sleeping or hidden in my room avoiding the kitchen at all costs. I finally ran out of water and ran down stairs to grab another bottle and there where all these presents on the table. I was like wtf then I looked at my phone and was like oh it's my birthday damn it they remembered. So I'm 23 today and still as fucked up as ever. I really hope my family isn't taking me out tonight because the last thing I want to to celebrate how shitty the last year of my life was. Ugh I was hoping that if I just stopped talking to my parents and avoided them they would forget but no luck there. I bet all my presents are clothes too I hate getting clothes as presents. I mean I could use them I'm drowning in everything I own but what I would like more then anything is a bottle of vodka and money now those are good gifts. Maybe I'll see if my brother wants to get trashed with me this weekend instead of buying me a present that would make this day more bearable.

My Mom got a new scale finally and I've been doing what I like to call the scale dance. I pace back and forth in front of it trying to will myself to get on it. Then I get on the scale only to jump off in full panic mode before it tells me my weight. I'm so terrified to face the number it will show me. That's pretty much how I've spent my free time lately doing the scale dance. I've been eating as little as possible but it's been difficult because my parents have been making dinner every night but I usually eat up stairs so I grab my food take a bite in front of them head up stairs and flush it. Yesterday Mom made me eat downstairs with her so I think she's catching on to what I'm doing so I'm going to have to fake not feeling well or not being hungry to for awhile before I can go back to flushing.

I've been sleeping a lot a lot some days it's close to 20 hours. I'm just exhausted I'm sure it's because my depression is acting up again it always gets worse around my birthday and stays high until after New Years. I haven't cut myself yet but the inside of my mouth is flipping raw and I have bruises all over my legs from hitting myself or purposefully running into things. Ah that's just who I am I guess eternally addicted to hurting myself to prevent others from hurting me.

Alright I've got to run and get at least a little more sleep before class. I'll be back later to let you know how the whole birthday went. Love you ladies and I miss you all terribly.

I don't have a title

Been spending way too much time in front of my computer the last week. I'm designing my sisters wedding invites and save the date cards. Whenever I have a free moment I'm busy in front of the laptop. Plus I have a month of school left and I'm trying to ensure I pass 3 out of 4 classes. So it's just something happening all the time.

I've been keeping calories under 500 each day. I averaged around 425 calories a day last week this week I'm going to allow up to 500 calories but I'm going to try and keep it more around 350-400 this week. I feel like I'm loosing weight (my parents don't have a scale) because my clothes are getting really loose. Of course it could just be that my jeans are getting old or something. Mom says that she is going to get a new scale this week but if it doesn't happen in by Thursday I'm buying the most expensive one I can find and making her pay me back. Oh speaking of weight I need to answer a question asked by Rachel. I'm not over weight anymore but I'm not thin either. I'm 5'10" and just hitting a healthy BMI. I don't know if that makes sense I wish I was still as skinny as you but I'm getting there.

Fallen-Angel thanks for answering my last post what you said about James makes me feel better. I felt like he was acting the way he was because he thought I was going to snap at any minute. I always think people are looking at me like I'm crazy. I wouldn't blame them for reacting that way I did go crazy. Who the hell decides they don't want to live anymore and jumps out of a movie car this chick does.

Ah alright I've got to get back to work on these invites love you ladies.

Very long extremely detailed post read at your own risk.

I have to re-read my Halloween post because I have no idea what I really wrote. Sometimes I like to drink when I post because I don't hold back. I don't even know how the hell I got off on that last paragraph so maybe I shouldn't drink when I post but whatever. Thanks for the love and comments I adore you ladies for them.

Side note this story is going to be long winded because I don't have any girlfriends to tell this to. Also italic words = my thoughts

So tonight at school I ran into Charlies* best friend James** at school. It was extremely awkward and I freaked out inside. It was really funny because before I went to school today there was something that told me that I should try make myself look "nice". So I had my hair down since it's long and naturally flat as a pancake with a side part(I don't know why that's important for you to know) tried to make my makeup look presentable. Now did I actually look good probably not but I tried. So anyway my teacher sent us and I was going to be bad and get some food from the vending machine. So I'm walking down the hall toward the vending machine looking at my feet while I walk and I look up and I see James sitting at a table and he didn't see me so I look away and consider turning around and walking away. I'm like no maybe if I just pretend like I didn't see him and go to the vending machine buy my shit and walk away he will do the same and we will avoid this I thought you were fun and I liked you but he's my best friend and your his ex girlfriend dance. I should have turned around because out of the corner of my eye I see him stand up real quick eyes pretty much popping out of his head shit I know. I quickly look his way pretend to be surprised like I didn't see him before put on a big smile and say hi and ask him what he's doing there. My heart is about to burst out of my chest.

James: I decided to come back to school. I didn't know you were going here I thought you already graduated somewhere else. Panic oh shit what do I say.

Me: I just decided I needed a change arms starting to feel like jelly

James: Oh you didn't like what you were doing

Me: Yeah and things weren't going great so I decided to try something else. shit why didn't I just say trying to live my dreams that was true too. No just proving I'm crazy.

Then we just had some fluff about what class we are taking. Not wanting to look like a pig in front of him I bought a water instead of food. So there was some positive to running in to him. Until we walk away from the vending machines.

James: So are things going better with you now? Oh God I think my legs are about to give out.

Me: Yeah things are a lot better I mean I don't know what you heard but things are great now. Good lie good lie. Oh Charlie told him about my break down I can tell by the look and hesitation you just gave me bub

James: It doesn't matter as long as things are good. Why is he staring at me and hasn't blinked since we started talking. And who is this chick that is hanging off you that is not your girlfriend and I know you didn't have the balls to break up with her and she wasn't letting you go.

Me: Yeah I guess you're right. God please don't let his class be by mine let him turn down this hall.

James: Well maybe I'll see you around and take care of yourself. Thank you God thank you okay now say something back and walk back to your class as calmly as possible.

Me: Yeah you too. breath Nas breath. You need to calm down or your going to have a panic attack. It's okay your heart is about to jump out of you and your arms and legs feel like jelly but it's okay.

As soon as I turned down my hall I started to shake uncontrollably I had to go to the bathroom lock myself in a stall for a few minutes so I could calm down. I also text my sister about it cause I was like I need to tell someone or I'd still be in that stall. It's not that I didn't like James he was a kick ass guy and yes I love Charlie still but I'm over him although he's like that guy to me that I'd still do anything for. I mean I don't think it's weird I'd do anything for him I've talked to a lot of girls that say the same thing about one of their exes.

I guess what freaked me out was I know he was going to tell Charlie he saw me and I have no idea what he is going to say. Will he notice my weight loss and say how good I look or will he say that I seem like I'm still pretty messed up. I mean I considered myself to be a good actor at least I hope I am that's what I'm going to school for but I'm not sure if my acting skills failed me this time of all times. I hope my eyes didn't give me away because even though I know my voice was level and calm sounding I feel like my eyes looked like they were freaked. I mean what is with him not blinking the whole like we talked and not taking his eyes off of me the entire time we spoke. I mean did he think I was going to loose it or try and kill myself in the middle of the hall. No probably not it was probably because I told him once that the only reason I turned my life around was for Charlie and that if he ever left me I would go right back to screwing almost any guy that moved, downing Vicodin like candy before down vodka like it was water. James is the type of person you can tell anything to because he's seen and done it all. Why did he jump out of his seat when I walked up? Ladies I'm terrible with boys what does all this mean? Someone please have the patients to read this whole thing and help me figure this out.

*For all the new readers Charlie is the name I gave to my ex boyfriend because I've never dated a C name and I didn't want to keep calling him my ex boyfriend so I made up a new name

** James is also a fake name

Second day in a row

Well hello ladies first time in a while I kept a promise and came back for two days in a row. How messed up is this halloween I'm at home drinking vodka and watching a movie by myself while my parents are at a Halloween party. WTF is up with that? Oh well I didn't eat much today so I can affords a few glasses of vodka and diet coke. At least I'm keeping it low calorie right I'd say about 100 calories at the most in each drinks. Most vodka is only 80 cals most of the time I take it in straight up shots w/ no chaser but since diet coke doesn't have any cals I added that tonight since my parents only have Smirnoff (yuck) I'm more of an Absolute girl myself.

todays eating
2 serving Cinnamon Life Cereal: 240 calories
1 ceser salad @ Green Mill Restaurant: about 80 calories give or take a few
2 pieces Di

Oops going to pass out now. Mom and Dad walked in lied to them and said I had one drink but it's more like 3 mixed vodka drinks. Heavy on the vodka like always I love my vodka with very little to eat. I'm not an alcoholic to any of you who feel that way. Both my parents have alcoholics in them. My Grandfather on my moms side was an abusive alcholoic and as much as I hate on Mom sometime I'm very lucky that even though she came from a family where her father would beat them bear bottom with a belts of wooden brush that she neverbeat me or my siblings. She only spanked me once barebottom although I don't remember what I did to make her do that I remember while I was doing it (not sex but something really terrible) with my bestfriend/boyfriend at the age of 4 or 5 that I was going to be in trouble. You kids that are younger than me (don't be offended by my use of the word kid I'm 22 and still consider my self a kid well actually 23 in 19 days [Holy fuck when the fuck did that happen wasn't I just 9 and in elementry school yesterday]) seem to know a lot more than I ever did at your ages I didn't even know what pot was til at least Junior High but then again every genreation guest seem to get older and older younger and younger. Too drunk to continue to drunk too drunk too drunk too drunk.

Yikes I've been so sporadic about posting since probably the beginning of summer it's not helping me to not post. Not posting does me no good all it does is make it easier for me to cheat. If I'm not posting it means I don't have to look my food intake in the eyes and that's weakness and my part. Out of sight out of mind right wrong no more babying myself I did it all summer and look fat it got me a one way ticket to fatsville. No I'm putting my foot down and I know I've said before but this time I mean it because the passion and drive for it is back. Why is it back well lets look at what I ate yesterday to find out. I have no idea what the calories where because I was being very naughty yesterday.

4 full bowls of cereal (didn't even bother to measure the serving size just filled those babies to the brim)
1 PB&J Sandwich on wheat bread and it was a very large globs of PB that I spread on
Half a bag of low fat pretzels
Some grease chicken mom got for dinner
Caesar salad
Fruit salad
A Weight Watchers Ice Cream bar.

Lets say it together now 'my god woman they should have fed you from a trough.' I feel just disgusting but it was like I just couldn't stop it. I knew I shouldn't eat so much but it was like I was a bottomless pit. Yuck well today has been better with a bowl of cereal to keep up appearances with the parents. Okay tomorrow will be a little more complicated since I'm going out dress shopping with my sister and mom again but I'll just have a salad at lunch. I will be back tomorrow and that's a promise.

Wow I don't even remember the last time I posted I lost track of time and the days seemed to fly by. Things are still very much the same around here. Mom's driving me crazy can't do anything without her bitching at me. I got a part time babysitting job on Mondays and Fridays. It's not much but it's giving me some money while I'm searching for something better. Of course the family that I babysit for didn't need me yesterday and today Mom was bitching at me about how this thing job was suppose to be reliable or some shit I don't know I wasn't really paying attention. It's like look they will need me most Fridays but if there is a Friday they don't need me what I'm I suppose to do about it back the fuck off. I've been screaming that at my parents a lot lately. Last week because they didn't think I was looking for jobs enough and I wasn't because I had mid-terms last week so I had a project and a test for every class. I don't do any of my homework at all during the other weeks because you would bitch at me about getting a job so now everything is piled up and I need to get it done.

I hate it here I really do and the more they bitch at me the less I eat. I should by them a card and right congratulations you are contributing to your daughters eating problems get parenting job. That's okay I really shouldn't eat at all since I'm such a fatty.

Today I went dress shopping with my sister for her wedding that was a disaster for me. Of course she's miss size 2 and petite. I on the other hand look like the jolly green giant (though I'm not to jolly) it was just yucky to even look at myself in those huge mirrors. Then while I'm trying on dresses Moms like you need to tan your white as a ghost. It's like oh I'm sorry that I got your skin and can't tan at all okay maybe if you weren't a red head mom I could tan and yes my sister can tan but she got dads skin so once again fuck off.

See this is why I haven't written in awhile I'm just feel so angry I don't like being angry. I'm not good at it I'm mean as hell when I'm angry. The only good thing going on in my life right now is that I'm riding my bike 6 miles a day this next week I'm trying for 7 or more I've got to push myself to exhaustion or I'm not going to be happy with myself. I need my legs to feel like jelly when I try to walk I need to abuse my body with exercise because the inside of my mouth is pretty raw right now and I can't keep blaming my cats for the cuts I'm getting on my chest from picking at myself. Just have to remember very little to no food and exercise til I almost collapse just until I heal a bit then I can pull back on the exercise.

Quick eating update

I just wanted to write a semi-positive post today for my sanity. I've been keeping on top of my eating which is making me feel somewhat better. Most days last week I kept it under 300 calories been feeling good about that. The only bumps in the road where the night my sister had my parents and I over for dinner to show us her house and we had this Italian take out. I had chicken parmigiana I'm estimating the calories of that to be somewhere around 900-1000 yuck but even the salads where covered in oils so nothing was going to be low calorie there. Then yesterday we had a baby shower for my cousin so I had lasagna with cake and ice cream I don't even have a calorie estimate for that but I'm sure it was well into the 1000s. I've also been exercising a bit not much been doing around 3 miles on the bike also raking leaves and mowed the lawn twice last week so it was pretty productive. It snowed last night so I doubt I will be mowing the lawn this week which makes me sad because it was starting to give me some ab definition. I guess I'll just have to hope for more snow (shudder never thought I'd say that I hate snow) so I can start shoveling.

Life at home is still shit but that's a topic for a different day I really don't want to talk about the verbal abuse my parents are throwing at me right now. I still haven't processed everything that's happened yet.

My mom is driving me crazy. Its like back the fuck off and leave me alone. God anytime I've so much as smirked she takes a gab at me to bring me back down. All I can say is fuck off mom

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I just keep making the same mistakes over and over again

Just another depressing post so if you are sick of me stop reading now. Lost my job today mom says I have 2 weeks to get another one before she kicks me out. I'm going to go home and pack and call Charlie to pick up the kitties. I'm going to miss my babies so much I don't think I'll last long without them but they deserve better then me. I'm suppose to be in class but i'm in the parking lot crying over the kitties. My babies they were the last two living things left that loved me and I failed them despite trying so hard this time. I think its time for me to take the little money I have to pay of my parents and as much debt off as possible and run and never look back. There is nothing left for me I ruined it all its time to jump.

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Trying to post for days...

so this is just going to be a bunch of little paragraphs forcing myself to post something.

I have started and saved about 10 post so far most of them just a few sentences long. I'm pretty sure it has something to do with the weather. It's been cold and raining for the past week which always seems to make me blah out. Yuck, I hate the rain almost as much as I hate the cold but not as much as I hate snow. This is probably why I have so many unfinished post because I keep babbling.

I've decided that I'm done with dating. Not that I've had many dates this year ok shut up I've only had one date this year and it was terrible. It never seems to fail that when I'm attracted to a guy he ends up being married or having a girlfriend every time no joke. Even though I'm a hopeless romantic I think I'm going to let that part of me die. It's terrible falling for guys that don't even know I exists I don't blame them for not noticing me I'm not beautiful or breath taking in anyway plus I'm fat so why would anyone notice me. Mom seems determined to find me someone weather it be the friend of someone she works with or dropping hints about a singles club in our area. I finally told her tonight I'm not dating anyone because I seem to have the incredible gift of only being attracted to taken men which she was like Nas don't even think about doing anything with those guys. I was like I don't I walk away when they tell me that I'm not a whore of course in my head I was saying like that anymore. Honestly I don't want to lay down any roots here with anyone besides me family because it will be hard enough to move away from them let alone friends or a boyfriend. I just want to get through school as fast as I can get a job for a year when I graduate save up money and head to Hollywood.

Got back to exercising this morning which despite being dead tired from not sleeping at all last night makes me feel really good. Went down to the basement and did 2 miles on the bike it's not much but it's a start I haven't formally worked out in 2 months so I decided the next two weeks I'll take it slow then start to build up. I'm not doing to bad eating wise either last week the only thing I ate was 100 calorie snacks the most calories I consumed with those was 1000 one day when I was just out of it. This week I've decided that I'm going to have an apple from breakfast and then a smartones for lunch and that's all I get to eat and to drink I can have water, milk or diet coke but mainly water. I was originally planning just to eat an apple ever day but Mom bought a bunch of smartones a few weeks ago and I haven't touched them and she's starting to ask question. So I decided just eat it for lunch and then work it off which wont be hard to do since they only have between 200 and 300 calories a piece. I'll let you know how it works out.

Tomorrow is dooms day when I finally get back on the scale and see how much damage I've done the last two months wish me luck.

I'm destined to fall off the cliff

I'm sitting at my computer staring at my history exam. I have 1 hour 34mins left and I havent typed a word. I'm meant to fall to my symbolic death I think I'm going to break down any second. I can't do this I dont even know how to answer the questions all I can say is bye bye to my chance at happiness.

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Day Dreams

Lately I've been finding myself teetering on the edge of a cliff. Part of me is certain (certain isn't the right word to describe the intensity of this feeling) that I will fall safely back onto the solid ground. I have these vivid day dreams in my head that consume every part of me. In these day dreams I've achieved the things I've ached for so badly all my life. I've become so involved in my dreams that when I'm alone and some times when I'm not I start to whisper conversations in that I'm having in my head. I fear if anyone ever actually hears these conversations I'm having I will be committed. Something inside tells me that surly these dreams mean that this is a glimpse of my future. I don't believe I can predict the future but maybe just maybe these dreams hold some truth to them how can something that seems so real be fiction.

The other part of me is certain that I fill fall from the cliff to my symbolic death. This side had been nothing more than a dull murmur that is slowly starting to grow into a lions roar. There is no way I can accomplish these things I will be miserable and stuck inside my head wishing forever. I'm so frightened of failure that the mere thought of it can cause me to break down into tears. What if I can't hold my head above water this is truly my last chance to make it. If I fail school that's it I'm done bye bye dreams bye bye future bye bye any hope at.............happiness. I'm shaking so hard just thinking about it I'm worried about my grades. If the semester was over tomorrow I would have an F in History, an F in Nutrition (missed 5 classes so far one of which was a quiz day), A in Soc, and in A in Poli Sci but those 2 F would mean I'm done. I have exam number two in History tomorrow I hope I don't fail this one like I failed that last one. It would be nice if the teacher told us what he were looking for us to write in the essays instead of expecting us to somehow magically know that he wanted us to define what a frontier was even though the question didn't say anything that would have hinted that the word frontier even was part of the answer. I can't fail I really can't if I fall of the wrong end then my life is done I don't know if I could survive giving up on my dreams. I don't want to fall to my death but what if that's the only choice I have what if my desire to succeed isn't enough. Maybe I need to stop putting so much pressure on my shoulders but how is that even possible when the fate of the rest of my life hangs in the balance of one miss step.

I really wish I wasn't so wrapped up in this I wish I didn't feel like I was constantly about to puke. I want to be able to read other peoples blogs and give my encouragement instead of having my dreams mixed with my fear become so crippling that I spend most of my free time laying motionless on my bed staring at the ceiling trying to figure out which part of me is right.

On a side note SBB I'm counting down to my sisters wedding where I'm the maid of honor even though no ones going to be looking at me so it doesn't really matter how I look.

Sleepy sleepy sleepy

I've been so exhausted I hope I don't end up with Mono again. That would be the worst because people would be like oooooo someone has been playing tonsil hockey and I will have to be like oooo no I haven't because I haven't kissed a person in a year. Then it will be all awkward because I seem to have a talent for that. Wow if it's been a year since I've kissed that means it's been a year since ana came back into my life. Maybe that will give me renewed strength to stop eating.

Well I haven't actually done too bad eating wise this week except for today because I was planning on binging and purging but mom and dad got home before I was able to purge so all that grossness stayed in my body eww. Let's see Wednesday I had 1010 calories not the best calorie intake but not a disaster by any means though I do like to stay under 1000 calories most days. Thursday I had between 650-800 calories I don't know the exact amount because I forgot to write down a few things I ate. Thursday was a great day because it was hotter then hell and it was lawn mowing day so I was pushing the heavy mower up the steep hill my house is one sweating more then usual because of the sun. I love mowing the lawn it's like having an amazing gym workout without actually having to go to the gym. Okay I know this part is going to sound a little weird but every time I stood up Thursday I was light headed for a few minutes which was so exciting to me because that means I'm doing something right.

Short post for me I know I feel like it's really incomplete and doesn't flow well but I have to get some sleep. Everything else I want to say will just have to wait for tomorrows post.

Not doing a great job at keeping the calories low and I don't even remember the last time I hit the gym. I hate days like these where you can't sleep and you are just laying in bed going shit I've been doing a bad job at tracking my calories. Normally it's like obsessive calorie counting in my head and I really need to get back into it. Time to whip out the handy dandy notebook and write down everything I eat again until I get back to tracking calories in my head. Now I just have to force my lazy butt off the couch and into the gym. You can do this Nas you know you can Ana has been screaming at you all week that she's going to give you hell and now she is lets get our butt in gear and get to work. You have 1 year 2 weeks and 4 days til you have to look thin and sexy lets go.

On a different note an old friend came into town this weekend and well it was interesting. We went out drinking and of course every guy I was attracted to was married and of course I went overboard with the drinking because it's been months since I went out and had any fun. Lets just say the night ended with me blowing chunks all over the corner of Hennepin and Lake Street and just all around making an ass of myself. I ended up on a couch at some random persons apartment who was a friend of my friend. Waking up late the next day and being a half hour late to work. Of course all the other people I work with can be a half hour late and never get in trouble but when it comes to me well most people just don't like me so I get in trouble damn bitches. Lets see if I get fired when I go into work today oh Mom and Dad will have a field day with that one.

Oh well at least I got to laugh again even if I made a fool of myself. I don't laugh much these days not just because I'm depressed just because I don't have anyone to laugh with which is my own fault. I'm sure that's probably why I don't post as much anymore I don't want to bore myself or any of you to death with my routine life of didn't fall asleep til 4am woke up late ran to school without any make up on and smelling gross, made it to class with 30 seconds to spare, went to the library after class, went to work after the library, went home after work, study some more etc. Yuck it even sounds horrible I can't believe that's my life yuck yuck yuck. I would say I would change it but I wont because I don't know how to make friends or change that other stuff and because I too scared of people not liking me. It's my own damn fault really I wish I wasn't so scared of getting hurt but it's happened so much that I don't think I've ever had a friendship where the person hasn't left me in the end. Hmm.....I guess that's something to ponder while I try to drift off to sleep.

Again I'd like to start off my saying thank you for the support that past week it was really appreciated. The funeral was Monday and all I'm going to say about it was that it was a disaster. That's okay though because the family and I where able to say our good byes and find closer and that's all that matters.

Moving on I think my sister is developing an eating disorder. We (mom, dad, sister, sisters fiancee and me) went out to dinner on Sunday and before the food arrived my sister took an Alli pill. My sister in no way needs to lose weight she is like at what I like to call perfect thin. In the past few weeks she has fallen into scary skinny just like omg if you lose any more weight you will be put in treatment. I know it's strange to hear a girl with an ED talk about scary skinny but I don't feel all of us with EDs want to be so thin that we look like skeletons I mean maybe that's just me. I want to be movie star thin where my hip and collar bones stick out but not you can see the space between my forearm bones through my skin thin because even though I have this obsession to be thin I don't find that skinny to be attractive but again I feel we are all different opinions on this. Anyway back to my sister so when my parents and I got home I told my mom that my sister was taking Alli. Of course my sister told mom that it was her anti-anxiety pills and mom believed her. I just went off saying she's lying and they were in the blue pill box that you can only get if you buy Alli and that of course she's say they where her anti-anxiety pills and on and on. I should have stopped because mom was like how do you know all this stuff about hiding eating problems and in my head I was like shit. So I said well when I went through my little episode last fall I had developed a little bit of an eating problem which I dealt with in therapy so I know the lies that are told to cover this stuff up and that's what really made my depression so much worse because I wasn't eating. Then as a seasoned fucked up person I seamlessly shifted the focus back on to my sister stating that because I went through those things I know that it is just a terrible way to live and I don't want my sister to go through the pain I went through. Mom was just like well we will just keep talking to her about it and I talked to her fiancee and told him and he says he's been getting on her about it too and how sweet it was of me to care so much about my sister.

Of course the next day at the funeral my parents said something to her again and she was like I know I'm too thin and I'm working on putting on weight I've already gained 4lbs. My mom gave me this look of see she's fine which I retorted that's exactly the kind of thing I said to ex best friend/ex friend and my therapist when they said something to me which made mom just glare at me and turn away. Of course the last two days since I told mom about my supposed cured eating problems (which she probably told dad about) I've made sure to eat a little more in front of them to squash any suspicions so tomorrow I should be able to go back to the usual deception.

Ok so now that life is back to somewhat normal it's time to get this blog back on track. So I've been wanting to comment on some of the comments from 4 post ago (counting this one) but it just wasn't appropriate until now.

"Mad Bird" I totally agree with how it's just amazing how people believe and blindly follow what they hear in nutrition classes. It's hard to talk my teacher seriously when she is a professional nutritionist and she's fat. I don't really judge others on there weight just myself but it's hard not to when they are suppose to know all this nutrition information.

Flushed I'm totally with you on wishing I made a better college choice my first time around. It would have made life a whole lot easier now I'm stuck in a situation that makes life so much harder. Oh well we are both going to do it the right way this time and make it through with flying colors because when you have to pay for it yourself you work so much harder at it.

Alright ladies remember never let go of your dreams.

She's gone

Ate like a cow last night feel pretty gross about it. I've been eating a lot since my last post because I've been sad and when I'm sad I get extremely tired. Normally I would just sleep a lot but since I have no time to myself since school started I had to eat to keep from passing out.

I wasn't going to eat much today but then we got the call that my aunt around 7pm and then I started to eat probably for comfort but I'm not sure because I don't normally eat when I get bad news. I'm sad but not sad at the same time because we were allowed to see her and say goodbye on Wednesday which I'm greatful for but I mean just to see how the cancer had eaten away at her body and to knowing that she was in so much pain that they had to shoot her up with a ton of morphine made the whole family wish for her to let go so she wouldn't be in pain but she was a fighter a lived longer then the doctors thought she would. It's going to be a rough couple of days but at least I know she's in a better place now.

MyNameIsMellon and SBB thank you so much for your kind words. It was such a comfort for me to read what you ladies wrote that whenever I've felt down the past few days I pull your comments up on my cell phone and it makes me feel better. It's nice to finally find people to talk with who actually have compassion for people around them. Like I said before I'm done with ex best friend but you two just solidified my feelings that she is a bad friend because I was having some doubts.

SBB just to let you know I didn't hurt myself which I'm really proud to say because it's so hard not to cut when I'm feeling down. I promise that I will take you up on your offer to talk if I start to feel to sad in the next few days.

Hopefully my next post will be a more positive one.

Family Death and Bitchy ex best friend

Bad day bad day and I mean really bad day. My great aunt is dying of cancer and I was told today that she has maybe a few days left a week if she's lucky. I want to go see her and say goodbye because she is such a wonderful person but I'm not allowed to. I get that she doesn't want to see anyone but it's still upsetting not to be able to say goodbye. I've been trying not to cry all day.

I ended up calling my ex best friend about it left her a message saying and I quote "look you need to call me because I need to talk to someone so just fucking call me back for once please." She texted me back and said you were rude I'm sorry about your aunt but you are rude I passed out a work today and am feeling better I will call you when I get better. Ok my tone in the message was short but it wasn't rude you could tell I was upset and needed to talk with the way I sounded but not rude. Anyway her answer upset me because this is the answer she always gives me and then I don't hear from her for a month or two until I call her. So I was like Yeah I'm sure you will and she was like are you being sarcastic and I was like Yep and then it was all out bitch fight. I don't know why I even bother with her because she is never ever there for me then when we fight she is always like I've been there for you and you are so mean. It's like no you aren't there for me you are never there for me look I know you have a kid and a full time job but stop using your kid as an excuse. Ah I hate her so much I guess I just tried to hang on because she was the last friend I had but now I'm done I will live my life without friends I don't need them as long as I have you ladies to talk to I'll be fine. Well I will have friends because I will have you just not friends that live around me.

Woo okay I am feeling much better after getting that off my chest. Now I just need to take a deep breath go to sleep forget about ex best friend, pray to ask god that if he isn't going to let my great aunt recover and eventually die a peaceful painless death that he will show mercy and let her suffering end. I need to keep my head on or I'm going to end up cutting and I really don't want to cut it's been a few months since the last time I hurt myself and don't want to do it again.

Remember tomorrow will be a better day and there is always light at the end of the tunnel even when you can see it.

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A better week eating wise but still not where I was at before I was living at home. School is the savior that gives me an excuse to stay away from the kitchen. I just spend most of my in the library doing homework with no money on me so there is no way I can get food from the cafeteria it's perfect really. Now on the weekdays I don't spend much time at home with my parents because of my schedule. The nights I am home with them I stay upstairs most of the time but I go down to the kitchen twice once to "eat" a snack then a second time because I have to eat some sort of dinner in front of mom and dad. Dinner is usually like a Smart Ones or something low in calories. I really feel it's a good plan since I make sure not to eat much if anything on these days. I just need to figure out a weekend plan because my parents tend to be around during all meal times this my take me a little longer figure out but I'm sure I'll think of something.

The first week of school went smoothly. Although on the advice of disability services I dropped one class and replaced it with a different one. Which was the right decision because I would have just struggled to understand what was going on all semester long. My other classes are great though I knew I was worrying for no reason. Although every time I look at my class schedule I laugh because I took a nutrition class to fulfill my health requirement I find it kind of funny. Oh and FYI to any of you college students here in the states who want to save some money don't buy your books rent them. The two best book renting sites I found are Chegg.com and Campusbookrenter.com. Instead of paying $100 plus for each book I paid around $30 for each book and I can highlight in them if I want. The books are in really good condition at the end of the semester I send the books back with the prepaid shipping label it's great like Netflix for textbooks. Sorry to sound like a commercial here just being poor makes me look for ways to save money especially since I'm now a poor college student who has to pay for school myself this time around.

Remember being thin is hard work.

Can't sleep so I thought I'd blog.

*Sorry if this post jumps around or doesn't flow well. My mind is just thinking about a million things at once right now.*

So finished moving which hopefully means I wont be so stressed out which means I wont eat very much if anything now. Whenever I get really stressed out I eat and eat and eat I don't know why I guess that's just my way of dealing with things. Plus I had to get use to living with people again I totally avoid going down stairs at meal times. My parents like to make their food on the George Foreman Grill and the smell just made me eat everything in sight.

This concept of actually having food in the cupboards is so foreign to me. After living the last 2 1/2 years without having much to eat in my kitchens it's been difficult to remember exactly how make it look like I'm eating without actually eating or that even though there is food in the house how not to eat it. Even though I enjoy having some social interaction everyday I wish I could live with someone like Charlie again who didn't really give a damn about my eating habits. I feel so fat I must have gained 100 pounds the last two weeks and I'm sure every inch of me giggles when I move yuck. That's okay though because tomorrow I'm going back to working out at least every other day with serious food restriction with a few days of fasting mixed in. I can't wait to start starving myself again Ana has been screaming at my fat ass at the top of her lungs to get back to work and now I will be able to give into her.

Had my first day of school yesterday I hope I do good. I've only had one class but I'm a little nervous about doing good. I always get overly nervous about things that I don't need to worry about. I should be asleep right now I have class in a few hours I'm just excited and nervous and overly stimulated about getting back to normal. Well I don't want to turn this into a novel so I will end here. I have so much to tell you ladies but I better not blurt everything out and make my writing choppier then it already is.

I'm not in treatment or abandoned you.

Hey Ladies just a quick post I haven't been forced into treatment or anything just extremely busy. I'm so sorry I really miss you all and I will be back to posting on a regular basis on Monday at the latest. I've been moving back home and I am a notoriously slow mover. As any of you with ADD/ADHD will know when it comes to things I don't like doing/ don't want to do I get distracted easily. When it comes to things I love/want to do I can focus like Hermione Granger. Those of you with ADD/ADHD know what I mean it's a very odd learning problem I don't like to call it a disability because I don't feel like it's a disability it just means like I've said before that I learn different than others.

I hate when I get to busy to post because this blog and you ladies are what keep me on track and I love you are so much for that. I know some of you have written me e-mails and I apologize to you for not answering them especially to fallen-angel I've always seen so much of myself in you I worry that you feel the way I would if someone didn't answer me in so long. I don't hate you or anything I love you so much like I've said before you where one of my first readers and will always hold a special place in my heart. All of you hold and special place in my heart you all keep me strong and I can't wait until I've finished moving and school starts so I have time to post again. I apologize if this post doesn't make a whole lot of sense or jumps around a lot I

just got in from bar hoping with some old high school friends so I'm a little tipsy not drunk just tipsy after 2 drinks because no eating and lack of calorie intake. Ok, ok I lied I've been drinking at my parents alone I have no friends. But I did only have two drinks with very little calorie intake before I felt tipsy now four drinks later I'm fully wasted and want more plus for fuck sake I'm horny as hell I miss being thin and a whore because I'd fuck anyone anywhere anytime. Now that I'm fat I can't fuck anymore because well I'm fat. I want to call Charlie and ask him if he's got a new girlfriend who is as sexually adventurous as I am. If she is then I will be the girl they are looking for I will have a 3-some with them not like it would be my first 3-some anyway I'm so horny. Sorry I'm such a whore ladies and don't tell me I'm not because my motto is "if she doesn't swallow than she doesn't deserve a cock to fuck her. Well until Monday or maybe sooner goodbye and keep starving.

Sister drama makes me cry

Been busy as hell this last week. My lack of posting isn't because I've fallen back into sleeping all day because of my depression or anything like that. After this next week things should be slow down and I will be back to posting almost everyday.

I was such a pig tonight though because my sister and I had a BBQ for my dads birthday. I had a small steak, some salad, corn on the cob, fruit salad, a slice of ice cream cake, and a captain and diet coke. I honestly can't remember the last time I had a meal with so many different foods. Like normally I can pick either some carrots, a piece of fruit or a slice of low calorie bread. With my family if I don't have enough food on my plate they will put more on it for me. I think they suspect my eating habits but don't say anything. So to avoid this I put a little bit of everything on my plate. I wasn't going to drink but well my sister was yelling at me all day because she's stressed out with planning her wedding already. I finally started crying when she came out while I was grilling and told me what a bitch I was. I was finally like I need a drink to make it through this dinner. All I know is that she better calm the fuck down or I'm out. Lord knows I'm not mentally stable enough to be yelled at a lot be one person even with all the work I've done in therapy. I'm sure me being little miss emotional has something to do with the fact that I didn't have my period last month. Damn you period if you are too long my emotions get out of whack and if you don't come at all my emotions get out of whack.

Thanks Ophelia for your comment I really need that tonight.

Sick and Tired....By Everclear

I'm sick of writing the same post over and over again so I just decided to put in the song that pretty much is my life. I don't care if anyone comments because I know you are all getting sick of me writing the same god damn post over and over again too. The only difference between my life and this song is that it says I want women who are out of my reach and where as I want men that are out of my reach.


I break every day
Stressed out in every kind of way
I am sick and tired of bein' sick and tired
All I need and crave
Loud life with the power to fade
I am livin' 'cause I keep it all in, keep it all inside
Yeah, I keep it all in, keep it all inside
Love don't work for me
I want women who are out of my reach
I am sick and tired of livin' all alone
All I need for sure
Big love with the power to make more
I am livin' 'cause I keep it all in, keep it all inside
Yeah, I keep it all in, keep it all inside
I know I'm close to the fall
I know I'm dangerous
I'm afraid I'm going down
I blame my family
Their damage is livin' in me
I am sick inside and tired of my life
All I need, I swear
Go out with the power of a nightmare
I am livin' 'cause I keep it all in, keep it all inside
I keep it all in, keep it all inside
Yeah, I keep it all in, keep it all inside
I know I'm going to fall
I know I'm dangerous
I know I'm not going down alone
I keep it all in, keep it all inside
I know I'm close to the fall
I know I'm dangerous
I know I'm not going down alone
I'm not going down alone, I know

Boys, Boys, Boys

So no workout tonight was planning on hitting the gym after work but on of the sales guys who we will call T asked if I wanted to go out for drinks. I think we were going out just as friends because I think he has a girlfriend who he has 2 kids with. Now nothing was going to happen because 1) we really are just friends I know people don't think girls and guys came be just friends after a certain age 2) I have absolutely no sex drive right now well for the past 10 months which makes me so sad because I absolutely love sex. Well we were texting back and forth and he was like are you working tomorrow and I'm like no. He's all like Oh so you don't have a curfew 2nite...so big! (the curfew thing is a little inside joke) and I text back no, cause I'm a big girl now. He never sent anything back so now I'm sitting here going great job always say just the right things to make people uncomfortable now you are sitting alone in your apartment doing nothing when you could be getting trashed. I thought about texting him and asking if he still wanted to meet up for drinks but I just keep thinking why make things more awkward right.

Well even if I didn't go out at least it gave me a good excuse to get out of hanging out with C (no I don't mean Charlie this is a different guy). I've been buying pot from C for a few months now and he keeps trying to get into my pants. First off I don't date drug dealers because I'm not an idiot and how would I explain that to mom and dad "This is C he doesn't have a job, oh how is he able to afford to take me out well he sells drugs." Second he is just not my type I'm not turned on by him and every time he talks I want to punch him in the throat. I just want to say to him look you didn't grow up in the ghetto your mommy and daddy paid more for your k-12 education then I paid for college so lets stop talking like a thug on the street ok we all know you grew up in a mansion and got everything you wanted so shut the fuck up stop trying to feel me up because next time you touch my boob by pretending to wipe something I'm going to stab in the eye with a spoon." For real though next time he touches my boob I'm punching him.

Ok woo got that off my chest feel much better now. I haven't even told you about J yet but that is a long story that I will have to tell you another time because I'm just not in the mood to get into that train wreak yet. I'm not saying that I have boys falling all over me or anything and this is very unusual for me to have 1 guy show any interest in me let alone 3. Yet again I prove myself right that no normal health guy is attracted to me only way older, married/taken men, alcoholics and drug addicts I must just put out a vibe that says this girl is damaged if you are and asshole or fucked up in anyway fall for her.

Flushed- I think your explanation of why we encourage each other is spot on. Thanks for finding the words I couldn't to explain why we encourage each other to be disordered.

A.R.- I'm really glad you enjoy reading what I like. Don't feel bad about dropping out of school because of your depression I did the same thing with my first attempt with College/Uni. Going to College for the first time is hard enough to get use to then add depression on top of that and it's just overwhelming. I know how terrible it feels to drop out but just know that when or if you ever decide to go back it is easier the second time around because you know what to expect. Just remember not to let anyone let you feel bad about dropping out because they have no idea how hard depression can make the easiest task. Thanks for your taking the time to comment I really appreciate it.

Had a fantastic workout.

Hit the gym yesterday for an intense work out. Nice and easy 7 minute warm up on the bike to get the blood flowing. Then it was off to the wight machines for a total body work out. I was expecting to feel sore all over but really it's just in my shoulders. Then I hit the treadmill and only had time to like walk/jog a mile but I made the most of it. Started out at a steep incline walking for 1/4 of the mile then went down to no incline and jogged 1/4 and then repeated those for the last 1/2. I was sweating up a storm I normally don't jog because running and my knees aren't friends at all but today I forced myself since I wasn't going to be able to do 3 miles of fast walking. People always say running is the best but honestly before I started driving I walked everywhere and I was so tiny that I swear but walking.

Not much to eat today either just a bowl of organic honey nut cheerios with organic fat free milk. I just figured if I have to eat it might as well be natural because I already put my body through enough stress why put it through any more with processed food. I guess that's about all I have it was a pretty uneventful week for me but it was kind of nice.

Tasha- I've been trying to come up with an answer to the comment you left me all week. Honestly I don't know I really don't know how I can know that I'm doing something bad to my body and still encourage those who read my blog to starve themselves . I guess you could say that subconsciously I do it because I'm scared of being alone again. It just seems right to encourage them because they encourage me. As for the cutting know I don't expect anyone to understand why I cut. It's very hard to get people to understand why I do what I do and unless you hurt yourself to you really aren't going to understand. The best way to explain all this shit I put myself through is that "it's so painful and agonizing yet there is something so enticing about it."

Thanks to Amberly for that last line when I read that in the e-mail you sent me I was like that is one of the best ways I've ever heard it put I'm going to use that.

Sucessful 2 day water fast

I made it through work without passing out thanks to all the water I had been drinking. At one point I thought I was going to faint but I hurried over to my chair and let the feeling pass. I lost 4 lbs and it was a noticeable 4 lbs my jeans are falling off me and even my belt is too big for me now. I hadn't planned on fasting it just sort of happened I just wasn't hungry those two days so I didn't eat anything and to my surprise when I ended fasting I had a granola bar and some more water and was fine.

I'm pretty sure I'm subconsciously telling my self not to be hungry because my older sister just got engaged and guess who's the maid of honor.......me. I mean I know everyone will be looking at my sister on her wedding day as it's her day but still I'm not walking down that aisle as a fat ass. I know the weddings not till September of next year which gives me more then enough time to hit my goal weight but I want to get down to that weight faster then ever because I don't want to look like a cow when my sister has me model all the brides maids dress for her.

This is perfect because now with everyone busy planning it leaves me free to my own self destruction without the watchful eyes of my family. Which also means it's going to be easier to ward off suspicion if people get to suspicious about my weight loss. All I have to do is make a little joke about how I'm always on the go with school and work and helping with the wedding and how my dress is going to fall off me and change subjects. I've got this all worked out in my head as long as I keep to the plan I should be home free.

Flushed- I will be mainly getting my generals out of the way but I will be majoring in Theater so I will probably take a few theater classes to fulfill some of credits for a transfer degree so I can enroll as a Junior in the college I'm transferring to.

Remember ladies that sometimes hunger hurts but that just means you're doing it right.

Lord give me strength...

Not to pass out at work in front of the kids. It has been almost 2 days since i've had any food or any cals at all. I just have to make it through a 4 hr shift this is the longest i've gone without calories. I can do it just dont think about i'm not even hungry

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No title

I've been gone for awhile now I don't really know what happened I was doing just fine. Then it's like boom over night I couldn't even find the strength to get out of bed. Thank you ladies so much for the support and for those of you who stuck around during my unexpected absence but there's no hard feelings to anyone who stopped following because of my lack of posting. Plus whenever I try to answer the comments that have been left for me I find myself not being able to find the words to answer you ladies because I'm so embarrassed by my behavior (it's that Catholic guilt that was bet into me at birth) even though you would think I would be used to making an emotional as out of myself by now but it never seems to get less embarrassing.

I guess I just felt like I really hadn't accomplished anything in my life so I just shut down. Then a few days ago I went up to the community college and enrolled for fall semester because something just needed to change. So now I'm going to the community college to get my generals out of the way and then transfer to a 4 year school to get my bachelors Degree in Theater with an emphasis in performing. I'm really surprised with myself I really wasn't planning on going back yet then I was driving past the school and for some reason decided to pull in and now I'm back in school. I have no idea how I'm going to pay for it but I really hope that it will help me feel better about my life.

For some reason while I was away I tried to convince myself that I didn't have an eating problem and gained some weight back yuck. I ate like a normal fat ass American maybe a day then I started to puke up anything I ate. For some reason though I still tried to convince myself that I was normal even though I was sleeping most of the time I wasn't at work and only drinking water because I didn't have anything to eat in my apartment. Last week I gave in and said to myself look self it's clear that this pretending to not have issues with food isn't fooling me so suck it up a deal with it you pansy moo moo cow. Have any of you ever had that happen where you for whatever reason decide to prove to yourself you don't have this issue with food or am I just weird?

I think I've blabbed on long enough but I guess if you follow this blog you know what a chatty pants I become sometimes hehe I can't help it.

Remember ladies to keep starving and you will soon be the envy of every girl around you.

I'm sorry I haven't been around much lately I've been so depressed it's been hard for me to even get out of bed. I really thought I was getting better but I guess not I was working so hard to be some what happy because let's face it with me depression and eating disorders go hand in hand so I didn't totally want to get rid of my depression because then Ana might go away and I didn't want that. I'm going to try and come back this week because I have a lot of comments to answer and a lot of comments to give. I'm sorry I haven't been there for you ladies and I have yet to add myself to the followings of my new followers. I don't know if that makes sense but it did in my head and that's all that matters. I love you ladies but I have to cut this short because I just don't have the energy to keep typing 0I'm sorry.

Just ate 8 low cal hot dogs (40 cals each)

After I decided to purge because I love purging. It was 45 minutes straight worth of purging I hope the results show in the morning or I should say night since I don't get up until 5pm or later when I don't work. Normally I can purge everything up in about 15 minutes but tonight it's like it wouldn't stop coming up which is fine by me because that hopefully means more weight gone. I even drank a ton of water before, during and after.

Tomorrow I will address my last two posts before this one but for now I'm going to wait the standard 30 minutes brush my teeth and sleep until 7pm tomorrow.

random drunk rants plus cutting again

It hurt when I cut tonight
First time I've hurt my self in months
I can't remember the last time I cut myself
This isn't a poem just written in poem format
Shallow quick cuts along my side
Which are my favorite because when you touch them the next day they burn more
I love the burn I'm so fucking sadistic
I love to press down hard on my cuts the next day and feel pain.
Although to day it hurt when I cut my side
That means I'm not doing a good enough job suppressing my emotions.
I'm not numb of all feelings anymore.

I hate the dreams I've been having
they make me wake up crying
I just want someone to want me
for more then sex but that will never happen
Why? well I'm a whore that's why

Convinced my older sister that I don't want kids
Told her it's because I'm happy with me
Lies, lies lies
It's because I'm scared to have kids
I'm scared they will end up like me
Honestly I don't think I could live with myself
Putting a child through the pain I've felt
How could I put a child through depression, cutting, and an eating disorder
What if it was a little girl?
She would never be allowed to see boys ever
Out of fear that she would be assaulted like her stupid drunk mother was

I don't even know what I'm talking about
going to go cut again and then
take a hot bath before the cuts close
because the hot water on open wounds hurts more
God I'm fucked up and drunk I really wish I was high*

Does anyone even read what I write?
I doubt it honestly because I'm boring or because I'm to fucked up
I started this blog thinking I was articulate like Ana rigzig but I'm not
I use to be but I'm on too many rx to be articulate like I use to be
I'm sick of people thinking that ADD needs to be treated
so as to make me like everyone else
but the really people need to learn that ADD/ADHDers are just creative
and don't work well when taught like everyone else
Going to pass out now not that anyone cares
Not looking for anyone to feel sorry for me just for someone who feels the same as me.

I'm a bad anorexic, depressed, cutter, sister, daughter, friend, girlfriend (when someone wants to date me let's face it I'm every dating read flag), and just all around person. What am I good at well being a whore that's what fat whore fat whore fat whore.

*I'm really not a druggie. I know I talk about drugs a lot but I really don't do them all that often so please don't stop reading because I'm talking about it so much.

Quick post I'm still alive.

Hey Ladies,

Just stopping by to say hi and sorry I went missing. I've been running around like crazy and got the flu but I should be back full force by sunday.

Love you all hope you ladies are working hard and melting away the fat.

Why I Hate Paxil (long but good information for everyone)

I'm not getting sick it's just because I forgot to take my Paxil for a few days. I can to this conclusion after I remembered that the water at my apartment was off until 6pm and I started to cry because I wanted to take a hot bath and also started crying during an episode of Full House. I know many of you who read my blog only have an eating disorder but even if you are one of the ladies without depression who reads I think this post is important to you also. Why because Paxil is now being used in the treatment of eating disorders so I recommend you read so if anyone ever wants to put you on Paxil you be able to object. Below is what I went through when I tried to get off Paxil along with a list of symptoms or you can watch this video about it. I've watched the video 4 time today and have cried every time the withdrawal wont be gone til tomorrow.

In July of 2007 with the convincing of a certain ex-boyfriend I decided to quit. Of course I consulted with my Doctor first and he said that he didn't see a reason why if I wanted to split pills in half or try to go without it that would be fine. The longest I had gone without Paxil before was 5 days and I felt a little sick on the 5th day which I expected to happen this time which did. Then day 6 hit and shit hit the fan like I did not expect. Out of no where I felt like I was going crazy with extreme mood swings, crying for hours because of things I had done and said to my parents that made them feel bad from when I was 6. Charlie actually kicked me out of bed one night at 2am because I had been crying since 11pm and he had to work at 6am. After almost two weeks of feeling like I was going crazy and must be more depressed then anyone thought I went back on my Paxil and decided to do some research. I found out that Paxil has one of the worst anti-depressants to try and get off of because of the terrible withdrawal symptoms of excuse me "discontinuation" symptoms. That's right GlaxoSmithKline convinced the FDA that this symptoms shouldn't be considered withdrawal symptoms because Paxil isn't addictive(lies) like illegal drugs. After googling quit paxil and finding story after story about people going through what I went through I sat on my bed and cried because I realized I was probably stuck on a drug that I was told was non habit forming and temporary for the rest of my life or until I had a job where I could take extensive time off of so I could make it through that mild discontinuation symptoms that the drug companies claim last a few days but can actually last for over a month. The thing that really makes me angry about this is the fact that the FDA has looked the other way while a pharmaceutical company continues to sell a drug that basically makes many people trying to quit act like heroin addicts who just want that on last hit to take the edge off so they can continue to make millions of dollars off it.

Discontinuation Symptoms of Paxil (Purple= a withdrawal symptom of an illegal drug, bold=symptoms I've had)
-Intense Insomnia
-Extraordinarily vivid dreams
-Extreme confusion during waking hours
-Intense fear of going insane
-Feeling of existing outside reality
-memory and consecration problems
-Panic Attacks (even if you haven't had them before)
-Severe mood swings (especially heightened irritability/anger)
-Suicidal thoughts
-Craving for Paxil to stop the madness
-Dizziness/vertigo
-Feeling of mild electric shocks throughout the body
-Slurred Speech
-Headaches
-Profuse sweating especially at night
-Muscle cramps
-Blurred vision
-Breaking out into tears
-Hypersensitivity to motion, sounds, and/or smell
-Decreased appetite
-Nausea
-Diarrhea
-Chills/hot flashes

Now eleven of these 22 symptoms or common withdrawal symptoms of illegal hardcore drugs I think that qualifies as withdrawal but what do I know I'm not the manufacturer I'm just a girl who has felt these discontinuation symptoms and felt like I need to be checked into drug treatment.

Feeling Off Today.

I failed my fast yesterday ah fuck me I swear I'm going to be a fatty moo moo cow forever if I don't stop sabotaging myself. I feel like I'm really torn lately like half of me wants me to stop eating and get thin and sexy but the other half of me is scared to lose weight.

It was my fault that I failed last night because I'm an idiot. This guy I use to work with called me and was like hey I know you smoke pot you want to buy some and I was like hell yeah. Well because he's cute and well I was hoping that if we got high enough that I wouldn't be all ashamed about how terrible I look with out clothes and we could have a little fun like we flirt about but I couldn't shake the embarrassment of my fat ass. So instead we ended up both getting the munchies and he went to Taco Bell and stuffing our faces.


Then to top it all off I think he got me sick because I've just felt very off all day. I can't even explain it for real. I just feel like I'm not really in my body or something I can't explain it but it's so weird. My hands are ice cold and my face is burning up and I've got the chills ugh it's just been a weird day blah I hope I'm not dying. Okay I know I'm not but it's just weird because I don't feel sick but I don't feel normal either. I think I'm going to go to bed even though I slept til 3pm today I'm exhausted.

Short Post

I haven't eaten a damn thing today. I'm sure my stomach will start to rumble soon given the fact that I can't go a full day with out food lately. If that does happen I have enough rice for one more bowl which is all I will allow myself to eat today. I'm hoping that I wont need to eat it so that why I can have it tomorrow for breakfast. I want to go grocery shopping tomorrow so that way I wont end up going on a hunger fueled shopping spree where I buy nothing but junk food.

I doubt I'll actually make it to the super market. I don't know what it is but I've been feeling so ADD even with my meds I'm spacing out like crazy. It takes me forever to get my butt in gear because I just space out or forget what I was going to do. I'm hoping it's just a weird week and things get better this week.

Hope you ladies are working hard to lose that fat.

Fasting Day

Today I am fasting as always if I feel like I can't take it anymore then I will drink some crystal light. I have found that it really helps quiet my stomach down. I'll be back to write more later today but now I have to get some sleep before I go to work.

I survived the meet up the ex best friend but OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!

All I'm going to say is that bitch is such a hypocrite it's not even funny. I've eaten like a cow but I'm pissed off and I'm not going to exercise just going to sit on my couch and pout and probably clean because I can. Even if I probably gained 30lbs yesterday.

You know she yelled at me because she found out I did a little noise candy in the 4 months that I just wasn't worth her time. Then last night I find out she had decided to smoke some Meth a few times because she says the guy told her it was coke in rock form I was like you are so dumb I'm just so I don't even know I didn't even say anything all night she kept yapping until 3 am. Telling me all this shit she's been doing that she yelled at me for doing I was like you shouldn't tell people you are doing this shit because if I was a bitch I could go to child protective services and get your kid taken away. She's so stupid and she makes me so angry and nothing got resolved last night it was a waste of my time and I'm pissed and ah I can't even speak right now I'm so angry.

I'm not really not creative these days,

I was having a really awesome day only 400 calories. Then my mom came over and gave me 13 Panera Cinnamon Crunch bangles why I have no idea but she did and then it was like there goes my good day I ended up eating 5 of them yuck. Well I guess that means I have to work out extra hard tomorrow. I normally would be more upset about this but I'm trying to not get so worked up anymore about messing up because it just makes me binge more.

So tomorrow I'm meeting up with the ex-best friend for coffee yeah it was my idea but only to apologize and part ways. Like I've said before I'm an old fashion I believe in talking face to face with people but she took it as we were best friends again and is like I was there for you and you pushed me away. Which all I keep thinking is no you were not you whore so I don't know we will see were things go. I'm still am stand offish because she keeps throwing the fact that I wanted to kill myself on New Years in my face even though instead of helping me through it she went to bed that bitch. This is going to be a disaster we are meeting up for coffee for 2 different reasons. I will let you ladies know what went down tomorrow.

Hey Jamie I'm from Minnesota depending on tomorrow I might have to take a pit stop in Illinois sooner then I thought.

Love you ladies keep starving yourselves

So I didn't lose my job I'm just on 30 days probation which is a relief I guess. It means that I still have income coming in even if it isn't very much.

Let's see I guess onto my Ana life. Things have been going much better this week I mean much much much better. Today I had a hand full 24 Teddy Grams (130 calories), 1/2 a cup white rice (200 calories) with 2 tsp of Soy Sauce (10 calories) so a grand total of 340 calories today not bad at all. Plus I spent 3 hours planting flowers today it took me so long because I had put new soil in the garden and such. According to the calorie burning cart thing I consulted I burned 870 calories which seems high to me but if that is really true then I burned more calories then I took in.

My mom gave me this at home exercise thing called The Firm and there is a 30 day work calendar where you alternate DVD workouts. Yesterday I did the hi-def sculpt a 45 minute cardio/weight training workout and let me tell you I'm feeling it today. I love feeling sore when I move I always have. I seek that feeling out I'm almost obsessed with that feeling. Anyway today I was suppose to do this Cardio Party workout and I did about 5 minutes before being like I can't keep up with this. Tomorrow is a rest day but I might do the next workout DVD to speed things up. I'm suppose to see results in 10 workouts so I'm really excited to see it start working and if I keep my intake less then my output then maybe the results will come faster.

That's pretty much all I've got to say I guess for today I might be back later tonight to add more if I think of anything else. For now though it's off to take a nice hot shower then maybe an adult beverage or two then it's off to bed.

Oh and Jamie thanks for offering to hook me up with your dealer next time I'm in Illinois I will give you a call.

Can't sleep

So today is the big day where I get to go into work and see if they are going to fire me. I'm pretty sure they will because that's they way my life is just one crappy event after another but that's ok because I've gotten to the point where I just accept that my life is like that. I believe Charlie put it best on one of our first dates that bad luck and unhappiness find me where ever I am. It's true but I think one day those things will stop finding me and happiness will be the only thing seeks me out in life. I don't know why I keep clinging to that unrealistic dream but I do. No matter what happens tomorrow job wise I'm going home and drinking my day away.

Hello and thanks to all the new followers I'm now up to 61 which is awesome. I'm still amazed every time I log on and see my follower number I thought for sure when I started this blog I would have zero but for some reason you ladies find me interesting enough to check out what I have to say and like I've said a million times before I love you all so much.

Let's see what else oh yeah Ana thanks for being all excited that I fixed my own computer I was really proud of myself for it. I'm normally like you and just hand it off to some guy I know to fix it but this time I was like you know what I'm doing it myself and I did.

No title today

I finally fixed my computer all on my own go me! I'm so excited to finally be able to read and comment on all your blogs again.

The eating plan is going ok not perfectly but each day it's getting easier so I'm thinking by the middle of this week I should be able to go more then 1 day with no food. Feeling pretty good about that I was never very good at fasting for long periods of time. I'm better at restricting and being the chick that breaks up my food I do eat into itty bitty pieces. I have to get on the scale sometime this week to see how much weight I gained but I really don't feel like crying my eyes out over it yet.

Ah I fucked up again I was suppose to cover a shift at work on Saturday but my power went out so my alarms never went off. FUCK ME!! I don't know who I'm suppose to call to even tell them that and I feel like that is a really lame sounding excuse and they are going to think I'm lying but it's the truth. I've been doing so well at this job been on time everyday even early which well is something that I haven't done very often in my working life so I'm like fuck why do you always fuck everything up Nas fuck (sorry for the language but I swear like a sailor). Well I will have to wait until Wednesday to see if I'm fired I'm slowly becoming unemployable.

I guess that's really all I have to say today which is surprising because lord knows I normally can't shut the hell up. Oh well just not feeling chatty today mainly because I'm avoiding things but hey we all know soon enough I'll give in and spill it to you ladies soon enough.

Keep starving ladies if you want it bad enough it will happen.

I've been a oinky oink pig

Ok so I've been a big fat piggy this past week and because my girly
time was starting isnt a valid excuse. I was weak and no not only am I
bloated but I'm fat. Starting today for the next 7 days I am going to
try and not eat anything everyday. I am allowed to have 2 crystal
light on the go things a day which will bring me to 10cals. Now if
and when I get to the point where I feel to weak then I can have a
half of an on the go crystal light thing. Finally an hour after that
if I'm still feeling weak then I can eat 1/4 cup of rice which be
about 50 cals but that is only if I become to weak to function.

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Sent from my mobile device

My favorite self lothing song (I'm not in a self loathing mood just wanted to share)

Loser Makes Good - Everclear

I hate waking up, it means that I have to die again tonight
35 years old and I'm still sleeping outside
Yeah I think I know your face, I don't want to know your name
I won't give in, I'm not like that, I won't give in
You say it's Christmas Eve, that don't mean nothing to me
Just another fucked up day, just another waste of time
You wonder why I live like this, man you just won't understand
I won't give in, I'm not like that, I won't give in
You smart-ass college fuck
Act like you think you're tall
I was just like you
More pride than you could know
You think you pity me
Hey I'll kick your ass if you pity me
I won't give in, I'm not like that
No I won't give in to you
You college boy act like you think you're tall
I won't give in, I'm not like that
I won't give in

Been Busy

I guess I've been busy trying not to cry over the fact that if I wouldn't have had this damn ADD and Depression that I would be graduating from college now too. Oh well it just wasn't meant to be maybe someday but for now it's not. I've decided to post from my computer again even though I have to copy and past some of of the letters that are no longer working on my keyboard. I just don't get enough space on my phone to be able to say all that I want to say. So I gave into just putting up with my broke ass computer because I need to post everyday and talk a lot since you ladies are my only friends.

Don't feel bad for me for the whole college comment please. I feel bad about it for like 2 seconds then say hey I tried and I couldn't keep up and was really depressed so at least I tried. I do have an associates degree in Television Production but I worked in the news for 5 months and hated it so I got out. I will get a 4 year degree someday but I have to overcome some of my demons first.

I'm just going to answer a few of your comments right now then I'm going to bed because I'm exhausted.

First Jamie a Myspace intervention is basically where a person doesn't have the respect to do an intervention in person so they send you a message through Myspace. I wrote about it a few post back. I get that everyone is all about communicating with technology but I'm an old fashion girl and I've told every friend/boyfriend I've had that I believe in talking about important stuff face to face and that is the only respectful way to do it.

A I don't care how old you are or how much weight you need to loose I just enjoy hearing from you. You where one of the first people to read my blog and will always hold a special place in my heart. Age is just most people that I'm really close with are much older then me but I guess that's just because I've been the little 35 year old stuck in a young girls body all my life hehe. I don't know I just really enjoy hearing from you.

Thanks to everyone who gave me some advice about the gym. I do plan on asking the trainers about it I just needed a jumping off point so they didn't try to talk me in to personal training which I can't afford. I need to buy a new computer and move to Hollywood before I save for a trainer.

I'm so exhausted ladies I had a hell of an arm workout today because I was helping my parents paint the kitchen/dining room/family room. Halfway through I felt like I was going to pass out because I hadn't eaten but instead of eating I grabbed a bottle of water added some crystal light and was good to go.

Time to rest tomorrow marks day one of operation get my hot body back!!!

Thank You so much

Hey ladies I'm still posting from my phone but hopefully by the end of the week that will change. I hate when I can't post everyday I end up gaining so much blah. I feel so fat right now but thats okay because I will start losing again soon.

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who follows it means so much to me. Also an extra big thanks to those of you who have left me comments about how much you enjoy reading what I write. I've been really down since the whole myspace intervention thing so those of you who have commented since then gave me the power to keep going. I wish I could do more then thank you just idk you ladies mean so much to me I love you all. I know I'm not the most interesting person in the world and there are much more articulate Ana/Mia bloggers out there so it means a lot to me that you take the time to talk with me.

I hope my computer works again soon I still have so much to talk about from this weekend. Oh and this is for you Sarah *sings* Hey let's kick it, Stop just kick it, let you start it cause cause it's so easy, you like it my way and I know it so let's just do it do it do it real good.

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