Contemplating death oh it sounds so peaceful to sleep forever and ever and ever I'm sure nobody would even notice i was gone. It would take about a week or so for someone to find me I'm sure. Yeah about a week cause I would miss my therapy appointment then my therapist would try to call me and wouldn't be able to get a hold of me so she would cal my mom. My mom would try to call me and wouldn't be able to get a hold of me so she would call my sister who lives a few blocks away. My sister would see my car at my apartment so she would try to buzz but after 15 minutes of no answer she would call my mom freaking out and my mom would call the cops who would break down my door and find a horrible smell and the kitties trying to wake me up but I would be dead. How sad is that nobody would notice me missing til a week later when my therapist called. So I'm not going to kill myself but in case I do I left a note on my night stand leaving everything to my parents except the kitties which would go to Charlie with a note that said fuck you I hate you for taking away my numbness. Nobody cares about me nobody would notice if I'm gone so what's the point of living if your already invisible anyway. My real name is Niki and nobody cares about me enough to either a) speak up or b) realize I need help. Someday you might see me in a Broadway play (No not a musical I get to nervous to sing in front of people) as Andrea [On-dre-ah] Gardens either a) the worlds greatest living stage actress or b) a top movie star. I doubt that day will ever come because I'm to fat to make it and to poor to move to L.A. or New York City although Minneapolis is the number three theater city being #1 New York City and #2 Chicago. I think I might kill myself before I even make anything of myself. I don't know I'm not pretty enough to make it in theater and not thin enough to make it in movies so I will spend the rest of my short life dreaming of what will never be.

Ok I hate me you hate me everyone hates me. Nobody wants to talk to me or be friends with me so what's the point of trying. I'm going to make myself another drink and if I can't get a hold of one of my "friends" then it's bye bye for me cause nobody will miss me nobody will care. I've been drinking and I want to die.

So told Mom and Dad I got "Laid off" since I told them they were talking about laying people off around Christmas time they were just like we kind of knew it was coming. My boss wasn't talking about laying people off at Christmas she was talking about firing my ass. I know I'm horrible but I didn't want them to be disappointed in me for getting fired from yet another job so I lied. I don't know just going to lie about it so people leave me alone. I haven't been doing very good eating wise the since last night I just keep shoving my face with food mainly to keep my hands busy so I wont hurt myself. Hmmm....I'm just going to gain that 30 plus pounds back in like a week I guess but I have kept my promise one week of no purging so I guess that's a plus. Another plus sweet sweet numbness had graced me with her presence yet again and I forgot how addicting she can be almost as addicting as Ana. Unfortunately Numbness makes me unmotivated to post a lot or to comment and support my fellow ana/ednos/mia bloggers which makes me feel bad because all of you have been so supportive and I can't even find the energy to pay back the support. I didn't even comment on fallen-angels last post and I should have cause she's my girl been reading since close to day one and I love you girl you kick fucking ass and you should totally keep posting.

I know this isn't the place for a new paragraph but I don't care cause the first paragraph is getting to long for my liking. I just want to say thanks for all the support there are days when the only thing that keeps me going are the comments of those of you who understand or are just willing to listen. I do fallow all the blogs of those of you who fallow my blog and I really need to get my but in gear to give some love out. Anyway I will start tomorrow I swear I'm really tipsy right now and need to just go to bed. I love all of you and hope you are doing better then I am and for the hundredth time thank you thank you thank you a million times thank you for your support.

So I got fired from my job today way to go me I fucking lost another job because I suck at life. I know that was a run on sentence probably I don't know I suck at grammar. Ah at least I managed to convince my parents that they were going to start laying people off cause the store wasn't making any money. Which it wasn't but I doubt that there was going to be any lay offs because of it. My now ex-boss was such a bitch cunt but as I was leaving I stood up and said thanks for putting me back in the hospital her jaw just dropped and I left. Yeah go me go me go me but I still suck at life.

I feel really sick cause I shoved my face full of food and I wish I hadn't but I refuse to purge. I'm going to stay away from the bathroom for the next hour or else I will purge and if I want to loose my strength then I deserve to be fatty pants. Ah life sucks and everything sucks I hate my life hates me.

I eat 5 hot dogs today I feel like such a cow but I would not allow myself to purge I decided that if I wanted to be week then I deserved to gain those pounds. I only ate because I had such a shitty day. So my fat ass had to be to work at 10am today well some how I decided when my alarm clock went off that I was going to just sleep in and not go to work on time for whatever reason. I finally woke up at about 12:30 and jumped in my car and sped to work and was like oh shit they are going to fire my ass for this got there was like oh my god my power went out I'm so sorry it was out of my hands and my boss looks at me and goes that's fine you should buy a battery powered alarm clock so it doesn't happen again. Oh wow that was the longest sentence ever sorry. Anywho my jaw like hit the floor and I was like yeah I'll do that thanks for being so cool about it. She was like oh don't even worry about it shit happens. Then she was over in my department all day training a new store manager in for the new location and she was just as nice as could be I could not believe it this woman is usually the biggest bitch and she was just like I don't smoking something today but whatever if she needs to be smoking some reefer to be a decent person then I will personally buy some for her. I was just so nervous and I don't know freaking out I guess when I got home that I just started shoving the little food I have in my fridge down my throat.

So tomorrow I will not be eating anything at all to try and make up for the my weakness tonight. Blah another short post just been out of it lately got to get it together if I want to be thin again.

Thanks for the support and yes I hate when people try and force me to eat too it's like just stop I know you care but stop.

Remember you can't love yourself unless your perfect and thin.

So I've been away for a few days not that anyone really noticed I'm sure but it doesn't really matter does it. No B&P yet so that's a good except I had a meeting at work tonight and one of the managers made banana bread with chocolate chips and some cup cakes. I had two pieces of the bread but I hadn't eaten anything at all before that so I was like ok it's fine this is all I'm going to eat. Problem my best friend and I work together and she knows I have an eating disorder and knows she's really the only person who can get me to eat anything. So she decides that I needed a cup cake and just puts it down on mu little paper towel makeshift plate thing. Let me tell you I just stared at that cupcake for like 30 minutes and then was like hey I'm not going to eat this cupcake who wants it. Everyone was like way did you grab it if you didn't want it. I was like I didn't the Nina just gave it to me with out asking cause normally I'd be like cupcake but I ate a lot today so I'm not hungry anymore. So one of the guys decided to take it and when I handed it to him I saw the once brown paper towel was now clear because she had but so much butter in it. I'm really proud of myself for passing that up I have such a sweet tooth and it made it hard but I did it ah go me.

I'm staying strong looking thinner and people are commenting on my weight loss but in a good way I'm in no way close to getting anyone concerned with my weight. I would really like a hot dog right now but it is so flipping cold out side that it made me gums hurt when I got into my apartment after the meeting. Like no joke Minnesota is so flipping cold it's not even funny God I hate it here in the winter which is like 9 months out of the year some times. Ah whatever just been staying on track and trying to get on a normally sleep pattern which isn't happening.

Anyway short post just wanted to give myself some kudos for staying strong no little quote or anything today just the satisfaction of doing a good job.

I think I'm slowly becoming bulimic which scares me because binging and purging will kill you a whole hell of a lot faster them restricting will. Was doing really really good all day only thing I had to eat was 1/3 of a can of grab and go pringles which is like 6 chips. Then only had lemonade on my 15 minute break and lucked out with the manager who sucks are remembering that I'm even a live in my copy center and avoided taking a 30 minutes. Got home around 7:30pm chain smoked like a mother fucker took a nice long hot shower. Used my brand new hair straightener that my best friend talked me in to getting even though I don't even need if because my hair is straight as a pin and flat as a pancake and everyone always ask me if I straighten it and when I say no they are like you are so lucky and I'm like not really because it wont hold a curl or a crimp with out massive amounts of Aquanet. Anywho back to the story sit down watch some TV fall asleep wake up and decide I'm going to order pizza cinnasticks and some diet coke and scarf it down and purge it. I'm now able to relax enough to puke without having to be in the shower and without making any noise. I'm not really really into the whole idea of of bulimia but lately I'm just like yeah I can eat that I'll just throw it up right away when I'm finished but I'm not very good at it so I'm not getting everything up which makes me upset. Alright alright ladies I'm making you girly girls a promise no more purging for at least a week. I'm making you this promise because I know if I have to fess up about breaking a promise then I'm more likely to keep my promises to myself.

Now I'm off to finish my movie and then going to bed got to go back to my shitty job at 9am good times good times.

Remember ladies thin = happiness

Can't sleep so here's some Vanessa Paradis Thinspo

If people only knew what I was doing to myself they would lock me up for the rest of my life I tell you what. I haven't been this cut up in a long long time and I'm ashamed of that. Nobody will ever find out because I live alone. I hate living alone so much that I think it's slowly killing me. There is nobody to ask me how my day was when I walk in the door. Nobody to say goodbye to when I leave in the morning and nobody around to help me if I drink too much and need help to climb in the bath tub to puke(haha the first time I hung out with my now best friend at her apartment I got so drunk she put me in the bathtub to puke and left to get food and when she came back I was screaming for help because I couldn't figure out how to get out of the bath tub hahahaha oh good times).

It's not like I have many friends the depression has taken away any self confidence I once had. Which is fine I guess because it makes it easier to hide my eating disorder. Since nobody ever comes over I can leave me apartment a mess and never have food in my fridge and cupboards since nobody is going to look in them. It's just the two kitties and me living our boring life. Get up go to work fake a smile make excuses not to eat during my breaks go home hang with the kitties try not to eat go to sleep wake up and do it all over again. Once I get my depression to go away a bit and get more energy I'll add in the exercise. Sometimes I get a phone call from the parents or my sister drags me out with her or I drink with the few friends I have. I guess my life or situation must be somewhat interesting cause people read my posts. I don't know I hate therapy day it always makes me feel horrible about my life but everyone says that's what therapy does when you start eventually it will help. It is helping me a bit but it will never completely fix me because I lie about my eating habits. Blah off to bed things will be better tomorrow.

remember ladies thin is always in

So last night I was craving something greasy and fattening so I was like alright I can just binge and purge. I'm not big on purging but there are just somedays that I just can't hold it together and end up having to give in. So I went and get a burger and fries and a chocolate shake crammed it down my throat turned on the shower and froze. Haha got my hair dyed yesterday I can't wash my hair until tomorrow night. I can't purge unless I'm in the shower cause I don't know it just makes it easier. Ugh I swear I was really going good then it's like bam little fat girl starts screaming in my head feed me feed me feed me and it's like ugh cave in cave in cave. Ah blah blah blah just going to get a bottle a crappy movie and enjoy the night and maybe a full serving rice. Only if I feel really adventurous though haha my life is lame.

Ok so I went over to Charlies friends house we will call the friend Dave for the hell of it and to make life easier for all of us. So I went to see Dave with all intentions of having sex even though I was pretty nervous I was like alright lets do this. Just to let everyone know this was not for revenge because we both agreed not to tell Charlie about it because Dave would be in so much trouble. Anyway so I get over there and not going to lie I was pretty nervous but was like whatever I am so doing this. We're sitting there smoking a bowl when Dave says you know what's funny Charlie called 2 minutes before you walked in and was like what are you doing tonight. I told him nothing and he wanted to hang out. I freaked out I was like oh God Charlie's going to show up and be pissed as hell and it just wont be good. Dave was like no I told him I was going over to Bretts house so Charlie decided to go to James and Jennys instead. Then I calmed down and was like ok cool. Then Daves like we should really get this started because I made plans to hang out with Chris since you said you had other plans. Started to freak out again because Chris is James best friend and whenever James has people over he calls Chris and says hey come hang out at my house. Then Chris will be like no I can't I have plans with Dave and James will be like Chris isn't coming he's hanging with Dave then Charlie will be like wait he said he was hanging with Brett something is not right and then decide to stop by Daves house and see that my car is there and storm in and be like what's going on. So I was like your and idiot Dave I can't believe first of all you'd think it was a good idea to tell me that Charlie wanted to come over and then think he wouldn't find out about who you were really hanging out with. So I ended up leaving cause I was like this isn't going to happen anymore. Ah some people like it's funny to me know but at the time I was scared Charlie was going to be standing by my car when I left ready to kill me.

So I have been doing really good at stay strong and have now lost 30lbs since starting this blog and it's start but it's no where near where I want to be. I wish I was thin like all of you girls but I'm not I'm a cow so I have to work harder then before to hit that goal weight.

Remember everyone likes a thin girl.

So total asked Charlies (my ex boyfriend well that's what I decided to fake name him) best friend to have sex with last night and I'm kind of a whore. Well most people would say I'm a whore I just call it lady pimping (sorry I grew up in poor suburb of Minneapolis so I can sound pretty ghetto some times but that's what happens when you live in a poor city) .

I'm back on only rice again after the ice cream attack of last week. At first I really didn't like the taste of plain white rice but after using 1/8 of a cup of water instead of 1/4 I really have started to enjoy the taste. It's starting to get to the point that when I have a food craving it's for that half serving of rice. Although once I finish my box of white rice I'm going to try the brown since Ana Jacquline informed me it has more nutrients in it.

Anyway I haven't gotten on the scale since last Friday because of the week long binge. Well I have but I had my best friend take the batteries out so I don't freak out over the weight I gained. She said she will give me back the batteries at work tomorrow so I'm really happy that I will be able to see my weight cause I like to get on the scale at least 3 times a day because your weight changes through out the day. So I average out the 3 numbers to find my actual weight. For now though I'm making another drink another serving of rice then getting in the shower to puke it all up so I can lose as much weight as possible before the weigh in Tomorrow.

I caved granted I'm really really drunk but because I type a lot in my job tit doens't effect my my typing too much. I just finished cutting myself. Even though typinng and typing and terying to make complete thoguhts is making my feel sick the sting of my side makes me feel ok. well going to pass out ob the floor now till I have to go back to my shittgfy job with my bitch whore of a boss. It's funny I drink to keep myself from feeling but cut to feel.

Drink on ladies i broke my seal so I have to pee every 5 seconds but at leasdt I feereerel awsoime~!!@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Haven't written in a few days more blankness when I think about posting. Haven't read anyones blogs either besides not knowing what to write haven't had the energy to do anything but go to work come home and sleep til I have to go back to work. Urge to hurt myself has returned but I'm determined to try and not cut myself so instead I've started hitting myself. This is causing some nasty bruises but nobody asks about bruises when you live alone and aren't dating anyone they just assume you're clumsy. I do run into my copy equipment a lot at work but that happens when you work in a copy center and are constantly weaving in and out of laminators, copiers, cutters etc. while trying to finish one customer job while taking another customers order. I must say hitting myself isn't nearly as effective as picking up a box cutter and slicing my fat thigh open.

I guess because I hold everything inside because if I show any emotion besides happy and content it means I'm no longer perfect. So to hold back the tears and screams and loneliness and pretending to be happy makes me a little bit closer to that perfection that I crave so damn much. Once it feels like I can't hold the emotions back any longer I cut and it's weird but the pressure seems to seep out with the blood and I'm able to hold it together a little longer. It has never been for attention it is always been away to cope and I hate the kids that do it for the attention or to fit in with the "cool" kids. I remember when I told a friend of mine that I cut because I didn't know how else to deal with my emotions and the next day she came to school showing off her freshly cut wrist to her other group of friends and they all started to cut and they showed people and those people showed people and so on. Now I'm in no way saying I started the cutting fad in my school though at the time it felt like it. I just remember looking at this girl who thought I was so cool for doing this and her other friends and thought you people really have no idea the pain I'm in you have no idea the hell I live in. I didn't start cutting because of a friend it actually started out as a suicide attempt that I chickened out of. Instead of killing myself I ended up discovering that if I cut myself that I could make it just a little longer. Now I have a life long demon that is constantly trying to draw me back in every time I try to stop and it always wins eventually and it always will win.

On another note I've gained like 2 pounds yuck fatty mcfatterson here oink oink piggy can't stay away from the ice cream the past week. Although I must say the rice "diet" has been a huge success and would be an even bigger one if I had the energy to get off my fat ass..... ah I can't even do anorexia correctly I'm so horrible at everything. They will probably never consider me to have an eating disorder because of the lack of exercise oh well I always was a little different.

Remember ladies you want to be the object of the leading mans affection not the lovable comic relief fat friend.

So on day thirteen of my girly time.... I swear the more I dig myself into my Ana the longer and heavier my period gets. I don't know I always the strange one so what can I say the less I eat the heavier it has gotten.

I've been flirting with one of my ex-boyfriends good friends. I don't know if I'm allowed to flirt with him but I don't really care. No, I didn't start it the last time I said anything to that boy it was the day after the ex and I broke up I told him to fuck off. All of a sudden the other day he myspaces me and we start getting all flirty and at first I was like alright I flirt with you but now I feel kind of bad like maybe I shouldn't do this because I still like to think that someday me and the ex will get back together maybe we aren't meant to be but we aren't finished yet. Oh my oh my hmmm....I guess if this doesn't go further than Internet flirting then I'm OK. I can't help it I'm a flirt and the ex knows that I told him when we started dating I would never cheat on you but I'm a flirt. I flirt with everyone and anyone, boy, girl, gay, straight, bi I don't care I love to flirt.

As for the people up stairs they are louder then ever after my last post they started to get really loud so I grabbed my brushes, soap bottles and shampoo and started to throw it at my ceiling they gets got louder so I took my broom and banged it like 7 times and they finally stopped but not they are being loud on purpose on of these days I'm going to be really drunk and I'm going to end up stumbling up the stairs and knocking on the door and being like will you shut the fuck up you fucking bastards. Which might end up being tonight because I'm pretty sloshed right now and I wish I had some coke or pot or something I might just take a bunch of Paxil no I wont cause I'm drinking and that's wont be good.

Remember ladies if you are thin the men will be attracted to you.

AAAAHHHHH been staring at a blank post screen for 3 days trying to figure out what to write about. I always have so much to say which is apparent because I write fucking long posts but what can I say I'm a talker. I just don't know where to start or may be I'm scared or ashamed or even just sad........

Oh my fucking hell on fire I'm going to kill the people who live above me they are so fucking loud always slamming doors and screwing at 2 am every fucking day I'm so at my ropes end with these people. I don't even know what to do maybe I'm being over sensitive but I'm pissed with these people. I swear to god that fat bitch waits till I get in the shower and then jumps in stealing the hot water. I know that sounds crazy but I got in the shower yesterday at 11pm she got in a 11:05, I got in at 1am she got in at 1:15, I got in at 7pm she got in at 7:10 and that was just today it doesn't matter what time I try to shower she is right there waiting and she never leaves. I stayed in my apartment all day today just waiting for her to leave so I could have a hot shower and everytime I went to turn on the tub hers turned on right after me. It's just getting to me the constant noise, and stealing my hot water and the sex which is terrible to think about because she is gross and he is creepy ah I'm just don't know what to do.

Anyway ah enough bitching just going to make some rice and put on a few episodes of The Office and turn it up really loud to drowned them maybe pick up a pint of ice cream since it was therapy day the one day I allow myself to eat some form of poisoned goodness.

So I'm back after a few days of being sick blah I'm always getting sick lately. It's just like come on I get sick then I'm better then like 3 or 4 days later I'm sick again. Of course I don't lose any weight when I'm sick because I'm like well being sick is stressing my body out why cause anymore damage by starving myself. I really only eat dry toast so I'm keeping it to a minimum but still. That's not entirely true I did binge though besides the toast with chocolate milk and chocolate donuts yuck yuck yuck. It's going to be okay because I'm starting what I like to call my "Survivor" (like the stupid reality show) diet.

If you think about it these people are basically forced into an Ana lifestyle because all they have for nutrition is rice and water unless you win challenges then they give you other food. At least that is the way they did it back when I watched the show in the second season. Anyway these people lost weight like crazy while having something to keep them going. So I was like oh my gaw what a fantastic idea what if on days I allow myself to eat I only have like 1/4 - 1/2 a serving of plain white rice. I know last time I wrote about rice I bitched about how many calories was in it but then I got to thinking about.

1 serving of Minute Rice is 200 calories but I'm only going to make 1/2 a serving so I'm looking at 100 calories. I ended up only being able to half of that half serving before getting full so really I ended up eating only about 50 calories. I don't know if my logic is correct but if it is that's not bad. So I'm going to try it this week and see if it works cause granted I got the idea from a TV show and even though they call it reality who knows if they don't get to eat I mean there's at least 2 production crews out there with them and they are going to get food so you can't tell me there is no other food for people to get there hands on. I use to work in Television New Production even though I ran the studio cameras not field cameras I had to do a lot of field work in school and it made me hungry. And no it wasn't a cool job I worked with the worst people and I hated that I'm a night person and getting to work at 8am is a struggle but I had to be there at 4am. Blah I don't want to talk about that anymore just another example of my failures at life go me.

I just need some sleep things have been really shitty the past week and things are just going to get worse this week so I might as well just sleep through as much as I can. It's a horrible way to live but at least for my family I'm still alive even if everything and everyone is passing me by.

Has anyone else realized that they are alive? This morning after everyone else passed out I was still awake and I started to just really think about things (it's never ever a good idea for me to do deep thinking alone). Like out of no where something just hit me like your alive and time doesn't wait for you to get your shit together it keeps going if your read for it or not. It's hard to explain if it hasn't happened to you and it doesn't really happen at a certain age or anything it just kind of hits you out of nowhere. It's just weird like I've always knew I was alive but like I kind of always was like am I really or am I just like in a painting or a book or something you know. Then this morning it was like it hit me that no I am living life and this is real and I totally freaked out about it but I was also really trashed so it probably wasn't the best time for it to hit me. I don't know it wasn't like a life altering thing but it was really weird idk I'm starting to freak out a little bit just thinking about it now so it's probably best I move on to talking about something else for the time being.

So I'm going to make the rest of this quick cause I have the worst gut rot from drinking so much and have to get to the store to pick up some of the pink stuff. My friends think I'm really weird because I like the way it taste I'm like I could drink this stuff everyday but not the generic brand because that always tastes off.

Keillien before Christmas I started fasting with just water and coffee and it was really the first time I did that and it sucked ass. Though I was told it gets easier I really rather do a juice fast because for me it tricks me into thinking that I'm putting more in my body then I actually am. Which really helps because I'm on medications that really mess with my stomach somedays if I don't eat something so on juice I could eat like two crackers and be fine but with water on the days my stomach was acting up I couldn't eat anything because I would have eating everything. As for how much I lose it really depends a lot of factors like if I'm on the girly time (period, the rag whatever you call it), am I really stressed out am I not sleeping enough. If any of those things are going on I don't lose as much I might lose 3 to 5 lbs that week instead of the 7 to 10 lbs I could easily lose if I wasn't having those things going on. Normally I will lose 1 to 2 lbs a day when I fast but like I said if there are other things going then it's not as effective for me anyway I don't know if other people work that way too but I do so I hope that helped you.


Hope everyone had a happy new years and aren't as hung over as I am.