I'm freezing and I love it

I forgot how cold I get when I start losing a lot of weight. I love it I love it I love it I can feel myself shivering and I know that means I'm burning calories. I want to take a really hot bath or shower so when I get out I shiver even more. My BMI is back to the "normal" range which still makes me a piggy pig pig and I wont be happy until I'm underweight again. At least it's progress I'm going in the right direction and I wont ever turn my back on ana again. I've got 3 layers of clothing on my heat cranked all the way up and I'm still shaking my fat butt off and have only eaten around 100 calories today if even that. That's on benefit to sleeping my days away I'm only up for about 3 hours so no time to eat much.

I've been sending most of my few hours awake cleaning my apartment and getting ready to start packing since I have yet to find a job. Also I don't think anyone who lives at home is a failure I just think I am because I hold myself to incredibly high standards that I will never be able to meet but I can't seem to bring myself to lower them. My quest for perfection will be the death of me I already know that but hell I don't really give a fuck. If I wasn't living to reach perfection I would have nothing to live for at all besides my kitties.

Hey fallen-angelx I think if you feel that you would benefit from seeing a therapist then you should. If you go into therapy because you are dragged there then it will never work. I have been dragged to it and it doesn't work. Even though I was forced to start up again as terms of my release form the hospital I continue to go because I want help. I do lie about my eating habits and hurting myself and haven't told her about my suicide attempts from the last few months because I don't want to back to the hospital because I know it wont help me to be locked up. I really think therapy has been helpful because I can finally just cry and grieve and deal with events that have happened that I've never allowed myself to deal with before. If you feel like you want to go to therapy and get help then do it. Just remember the first month or so really suck because you are dealing with things that you have never talked about or haven't talked about in a long time but once you get use to talking about it then it starts to work. I mean I don't know if I will ever be depression or cutting/burning free but it helps make the feelings less intense. I don't know if that helps or if I'm just blabbing but I don't know I guess I could have just said yes it's helpful and you should go for it if you are ready for it.

Really exhausted been sleeping about 16 - 20 hours lately. Mom and Dad called last night and told me that maybe since I can't find a job I should move home I started crying really hard after that. Mom started apologizing for making me cry right away I always feel bad when I cry in front of them. I don't know what's wrong with me lately I start crying at the drop of a hat. I started to tell what I failure I am because the older sister has a great career and the little brother is almost done with college and is going to have a great career and I'm almost 5 years out of high school quit my career cause I hated it and now can't hold down a job. Dad ended up yelling at me and telling me to stop it and I started crying harder but it didn't last long before mom stepped in and calmed me down. Geez I need to get these emotions under control but I just can't help it I'm about to cry right now for no reason what so ever. Hold it together girl christ what the hell is my problem.

Other news I started to see a second therapist at the advice of my first therapist. They are starting me on something called EMDR I can't remember exactly what it stands for and I'm being to lazy to look it up. Anyway it is suppose to release memories of trauma that my body (as the new theapist put it) is hanging onto so I can start to work on the thing that caused me to be depressed and stuff now. I don't know it's a little strange but I will have to see what happens. I have yet to tell mom and dad that I need two therapists to "fix" me. I hate that people are trying so hard to fix me because I believe I'm unfixable. I don't know blah I'm going back to bed I'm exhausted but then again I'm always exhausted.

Oh side note no purging the last 2 days even though I binged on Mac n' Cheese on Wednesday so feeling crappy about the binge but good about being strong enough to stay away from purging and I still manged to lose a pound so go me I have no clue how I pulled that off.

Blah blah blah

Woke up a little bit ago and I ate entire box of maple brown sugar oatmeal then purged it all. My stomach is sore, my throat burns, my fingers smell of rotten milk and my knuckles are bruised. Alright no more purging for the rest of the SBC if yes if I go on a binge again too bad I'm going to have to deal with the fact that I'm a fat ass and just not eat the next day. If I get through the rest of the challenge without purging I will buy myself a new pair of shoes as reward. Alright I'm off to bed again at least I'm out of bad food now so it shouldn't be to hard not to binge. Yuck I hope I didn't gain too much weight back over the past two days I keep getting on the scale but closing my eyes and jumping off before I look at the results. Blah blah blah nighty night.

Thanks for love for my dad. He was released from the hospital yesterday and nobody has any idea what is wrong. They said since the pain went away and he was able to complete a stress test he's fine. I was up in arms about this because he exercises everyday on the treadmill so of course he would be able to finish a stress test. 5 years ago he had a major heart attack that the doctors said should have knocked him off his feet so to speak but he was walking around drove himself to hospital it was crazy.

I did end up yelling at dad in the hospital because he started having pain at 8am but instead of telling mom about it and going to the hospital he decided he wanted to go take pictures in Monticello which is like 30 - 60 minutes out side of the metro area with mom and his friends. While they were having lunch he grabbed his chest and after mom and her friend started nagging at him he told them what was going on but it took more nagging to get him to the hospital. I ended up just bitching at him and telling him that it wasn't far to mom or the siblings and I for him to do that. He promised if he got pain in his chest again he would tell mom and they would go to the hospital. He felt really bad about making me so upset and I felt bad about yelling at him. I ended up explaining to him I was so upset because I got extremely lucky with at least one thing in my life and that was getting the most amazing parents and I didn't want to lose either of them and that if he wasn't there to walk me down the aisle if I happen to get married some day I would be extremely upset. I know he is going to have problems with his heart for the rest of his life but he is only 50 years old and that is to young for him to die of a heart attack and I don't want to get another call like for a long long time not until he's like 90.

Ugh I was so exhausted yesterday I ended up passing out on the floor when I finally got home from the hospital. I did end up binging and purging yesterday because it's a habit for me like many people to eat and eat and eat when they are stressed out. Problem is instead of just feeling like crap for binging Ana tells me to purge it I'm pretty sure I got most of it up. It's getting really scary how good I'm getting at it but no more of that this week.

So I got a comment asking me if I was being truthful about my weight loss last week. First I want to say thank you for reading and taking the time to comment I really appreciate it. Second Yes, I am being completely and totally honest about it. I promise you that I am telling you the truth about my weight loss. No, I don't actually believe that food can be negative calorie but I decided to only eat the fruit and veggies on that list because it just made my eating life easier. Besides yesterdays binge the only foods I allow myself to choose from each day are, lettuce, carrots, peas (I shelled them myself which was a first), corn, green beans, apples, pineapples, cantaloupe and grapes. Add that with only drinking water or a cup of skim milk and you can lose a lot of weight. So now that I've talked everyone ears off I'm headed to bed I'm still exhausted from the last few days.

Freaking out right now

Got a phone call from my mom 20 - 30 minutes ago my dad is in the emergency room with chest pains. He had a heart attack 5 years ago when I was 17 years old he so I'm freaking out right now. He was only 45 years old at the time that had the be probably the scariest day of my life. I know I know everyone is thinking why are you posting instead of at the hospital with your dad. Well dad hates when we make a fuss over his medical stuff and since right now they don't know if it's just chest pains or another heart attack we are waiting. I got left the task of calling the siblings to let them know what is going on like always but I can't get a hold of my brother so I'm worried if something does happen that he wont know about it. God I'm just shaking so bad right now it's hard right now and I really want to call someone anyone to come over and stay with me for a bit until I find out what is happening but I wont be able to get a hold of anyone but the people who want to get in my pants so it's not even worth trying. Which is also the reason I'm blogging about this because the people who read this blog are the closest thing I have to friends right now which is kind of sad but hey that's how life goes sometimes. God I'm shaking so bad and just thinking the worst possible scenario because when you get a call that someone you love very much and means the world to you is in the hospital you don't think that everything is going to come up rainbows and unicorns cause you don't go to the hospital if everything is fine and dandy. You get that call and your stomach drops and you start to shake and your eyes start to well up. I just really can't type any more I'm just shaking so bad right now need to do something to pass the time until mom calls. You'd think the testing would be done faster when you have a 50 year old man who has already had one heart attack comes in complaining of chest pains but they are taking their sweet time just like they did when dad went into the hospital 5 years ago complaining of chest pain it's like for Christ sakes just this hospital is always so fucking slow.

Now I remember why I stopped using titles

Okay so I'm going to just going to get the 3 big events from the 7 day absence out of my system so here we go.

One I don't think my best friend and I are friends anymore. I tried to text her and call her but she isn't answering me back so I'm like okay. I'm going to let her be the one to contact me if she wants to to still be friends cause I tried. I did send her the birthday present I got her just because I didn't want it and I put a lot of work into it. I decorated the bag with little bottles of boones farm our favorite drink. Then photoshoped a picture of us in the "finer things club" because we are obsessed with the office. She got it I know that much but she hasn't even said thank you so I'm just like whatever if you want to be a bitch then that's fine.

Next thing I got really drunk on the 14th because I was finishing up the last of my booze so I wouldn't ruin the SBC. So I ended up calling Dave in the intoxicated state because he had been flirting with me again. So I called asking him to come over but since he had been drinking too he was like I can't drive all the way out there. Whatever instead he ended up calling me and ended up crying and just letting everything out that I've been holding in about everything. We talked for like 2 hours he was really sweet about it and telling me he had been through that stuff too so it was kind of nice to talk to him. Now he calls me everyday trying to get me to go over there and I just kind of ignore the calls because I can't really talk to him unless I've been drinking. Every time I go over there sober I get all uncomfortable and thinking about Charlie walking in so it just isn't happening.

Last thing was after I got of the phone with Dave I called Charlies pot dealer and offered to whore it up with him for pot. Well I left him a message sad thing is that /i could by pot from him for like 20 bucks cause he sells some terrible shit. So I guess that I'm just a whore and I'm sure Charlie has been told but you know what I really could care less if he knows or not. I guess that means I'm getting over it or just that I've come to terms with what I am. Either way it doesn't really matter.

SBC update I already reached my final goal in the first week so I am now going for 15 lbs. This fruit and veggie negative calorie only eating is making the pounds just melt away. I binged big time this morning on the fruit I had in the apartment and I still ended up losing weight. Although I don't think I could ever be vegan I really really really want a cheese burger or a steak or chicken really really bad right now. I really would love to eat something other then fruit or raw or steamed veggies but if I want to be thin and perfect then I will suck it up and keep eating the same things I've been eating. Nobody ever said Ana was easy and only the strong will succeed.

Keep starving my skinny girly girls one week down three more to go. I love the SBC thanks RayRay for starting it!!!!

Little walk down memory lane

Okay so I haven't slept in 24 hours and only consumed 376 calories. I didn't eat much because my brother got in a car accident yesterday no worries he's fine. The car that I drove form the age of 15 to 19 is however totaled. Since he needed to clean it out before the insurance company picks it up tomorrow and doesn't have a car he called and asked me to drive him the mechanic. When I saw how smashed up it was a little tear came to my eye I had some good times in that car. Went to my very first party in that little SL1 Saturn even though it was no longer my car it was sad to see it in such rough shape. I broke the driver side mirror off of it like 5 times, backed in to lord knows how many poles, slammed the tires into many curbs without the tires popping and had to by it a new hood in 2007 when I rear ended a car. I had some of the happiest moments of my high school life with my friends in that car. I did find one of the license plates I broke off when I rear ended a car in high school in the trunk so I took it with me cause I'm one of those people who finds sentimental value in the most random things.

Anyway after we cleaned out the car we went shopping to find me a pair of new sneakers which ended up taking a while. So I was gone from 2pm - 6pm (14:00 - 18:00) with no food what so ever until I got home and ate half an apple which brought me up to 376 cal. My head is killing me from lack of sleep and all the fresh fruit and veggies is making my body detox which is nice but it's causing spots (pimples I heard Keira Knightley call them that and I was like that makes it sound so much nicer then pimples) any who so I'm breaking out like a 13 year old during puberty. Ah so I have to put off the interesting events during my break til later because I just have to go to sleep. Talk to you ladies tomorrow keep up the the hard work.

Here I go again

So it's been 7 days since my last real post. Even though I was around commenting on peoples blogs I still really missed you skinny girly girls. I know I've said it before but knowing that if I binge I'm going to force myself to tell all of you that I fell off the wagon really keeps me going. Anyway a lot has gone on in those 7 days but I think I will save that for tomorrows post and instead just talk about my Spring Break Challenge because I'm pretty worn out today. So here we go....

Sunday - went out to lunch with my parents and sister and I was able to stick to mostly stick to my goal of eating only negative calorie foods. I ended up ordering half of a chicken cesar salad (which is why I said I mostly stuck to my personal goal) only eating half of that and a few pieces of the grilled chicken. I didn't eat anything else all day and besides the sprite with lunch it was water the rest of the day. Plus My mom, sister and I went shopping for a few hours so I worked off a lot of the salad.

Monday - Made it through the water fast with flying colors. Of course it helped that I slept til 5:30pm (17:30 for those of you on the 24 hr clock) and then only had water the rest of the day. That sleeping all day really helped even if it is a little like cheating but not bad cheating good cheating.

Tuesday - This was not a good day. Broke the fast at around 6:30am in a very very bad way. Drove to McDonald's and ordered 1 Sausage Egg McMuffin (450 cals), Deluxe Breakfast (1270 cals), 2 Hi-C Orange Lavaburst drinks because I didn't want anybody to know that all of it was for me (480 cals). Grand total 2200 calories all before 7:00am I know right how gross. At this point I have to apologize to RayRay because I broke one of the rules. After inhaling that food in like under 5 minutes I ended up jumping in the shower and purging most of it. Ended up eating nothing the rest of the day.

Wednesday - Only eat negative calorie food very proud of myself for sticking to my goals today ended up only consuming 419 calories even though I was allowed 800 calories. Since I don't want to eat anymore today since it's so late I feel really great about myself today. Tomorrow I'm allowed 600 calories but hopefully I will be able to stay below that too.

Ugh sorry that was a really boring post but I wanted to get caught up with my spring break challenge progress. Tomorrow I can already tell you will be far more interesting I swear.

Thanks for all the love last week it really kept me going.

just one more thing

If I'm gone for more than a week it is because I have decided to check into the hospital for depression.

So yeah....

Thanks for the support I really appreciate I think I'm going to take a break from posting for the rest of the week. When I decided to start blogging I knew I was going to get criticized I knew not everyone would like what I had to say. I've only published two of the 5 negative comments left for me the past few days. It's one thing to say you don't like what I have to say it's another thing to start attacking the person I am. I am a good person who has problems who is trying to find a way to let it out. The people who know me only know me a the happiest, funniest, biggest smile never feels sorry for herself never gets mad person. That is one of the most exhausting things to pretend to be but because I have been put down all my life for feeling bad I hide it from the world. I really just needed a place where I could put my guard down a place where I could feel sorry for myself at times, or cry, or scream or anything I don't allow myself to do in my everyday life. I just wanted to feel like I could be human and messed up and bitch but apparently people don't like when I don't keep it inside so it's probably a good thing that I never allowed myself to do that around my family and friends. So I'll see you ladies in a week...well that's not right I will be reading/commenting others blogs and publishing an comments I get.

Oh RayRay I know Jenna wasn't being serious I was just playing along with her. Just thanks for the supporters I love you all.

Ah I can't believe I have to keep addressing this

Okay so I've gotten a second comment on me not doing anything about it my depression and shit. So I just need to let you all know that I am doing something about it. First off I am in therapy I go to therapy once a week for 2 hours in fact I have a session today at 3pm. Second my therapist and my doctor work very closely together to communicate how they can better help me get over my depression. So before anyone else decides to send me a comment about how I'm not doing anything maybe you should read my older posts where I talk about going to therapy. Also just to let you haters know my therapist actually encourages me to vent/bitch about stuff through writing because it's helpful for people in my situation to do that. So before any of you decide to send me a "helpful" comment about how I should get off my ass and do something about it realize I am. It is because people who say this shit that make people with depression ashamed to get help because they don't want to be looked at as bitching to much or just feeling sorry for themselves.

Gosh Jenna if depression is an illusion we better get to work at telling the other 121 Million other people in the world who suffer from depression that it's all and illusion and we are just faking it. I'm going to get started on that letter to the World Health Organization telling them the above statistic is wrong and should be zero. Gee, I wounder why I have been cutting myself all these years and why I've attempted suicide.

Also anyone who suffers form depression or knows someone who suffers check out To Write Love On Her Arms
To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery. -twloha.com

The Best Comment Ever

Anonymous said...

The only reason I follow this blog is because its an upper for me. You do fucking suck, but only because you wont do anything about. Stop complaining worthless ass. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. And yah I AM FATTER THAN you, but happier.

love ya,
Katey

Normally I would delete comments like this but while reading I was laughing my ass off so thanks for that. I will refer you to this post from December 30th cause I already addressed this stuff before. Congratulations on being fat and happy I mean that and not in a bitchy sarcastic way at all I don't know why you would even bother reading if what I say makes you that pissed off but ok.

Sorry this is starting to become a once a week thing I understand if all of you stop following my blog

Ahhhhhhhh!!! I just logged onto facebook for the first time in like a month and I'm pissed the fuck off. So this girl I was friends with in high school is just having all the luck. She got married last year which I found out about last year but I was ok with that because even though I had asked Charlie not to make me any promises because everyone who ever promised me anything either broke them and/or left me said he promised to marry me and grow old with me. So I was pretty sure I was getting married so I was happy for her even though I wasn't invited to the wedding because I hadn't made an attempt to contact her for like 3 years. What made me angry is that I logged on a few minutes ago and she just had a baby!! WHY WHY FUCKING HELL GOD WHY???? Why is it that she just had a baby and is still as thin as the both of us were in high school and I'm a fat fucking cow. It's not fair she's happily married and has a baby girl (the only two things I want more than anything in the world even more than thinness yeah that's right if I had a guy who wanted to marry me even though I'm a fat ass and a kid then being thin well I would still want it but not as much as keeping my baby girl healthy and my husband happy) and she's still like size two!! Why really why is it that she has everything and I get nothing??? I'm a good person but yet god or whatever higher power is out there decides I don't get fucking anything. She has everything everything I have every wanted in my life. Why the fuck I'm a good fucking person too yet I don't get anything. I've been through so much shit in my life and I don't get anything. Granted I've been drinking a lot and I think I'm slowly becoming an alcoholic yet another family illness go me I suck at life everyone I hung out with in high school in finishing college and getting married and having kids and all I got is crippling depression, self injury, anorexia, isolation, boreder line alcoholic, and the doctors say because of the ritialn I use took take and the adderall I now take I might never be able to have kids because with out stopping my meds for about a month and then trying to have kids after all traces of Adderall and Paxil are out of my system means that most likely I will miscarry/have a child with sever birth defects/ or it might have made me unable to have kids at all (do you still want to abuse ADD/ADHD Drugs?? you might never be able to have kids if you take them long enough
). Go me I don't get anything in life yet some jobless unmarried bitch on wellfare who already had 6 kids was able to have 8 more. You know what I say fuck you God and fuck you science and fuck you world I'm going to drink some more so maybe just maybe I can become a full on alcoholic. I hate the world and I hate life but most of all I hate me for not at least being normal which means I'll never achieve perfection which means I will never pull myself out of depression because I'll will never be able to achieve my goals and dreams.........I'm not even able to be fucked up and Anorexic right I deserve nothing but failure and before you start sprouting off how things could be worse I should let you know I've already been homeless and living on the street with no money so don't even try almost everything horrible that could happen to a person has happened to me everything I tell someone about everything I've been through they are like wow God really does hate you. Ahh I'm done I'm going to drink the rest of my booze then probably call Charlies best friend Dave and fuck him since he has been trying to hook up with me the last two weeks. At least when you're a slut you get those moments when you feel like someone wants you even if it's just for those few minutes he's going at it and I'm fake it because if i told him how I really wanted it he'd freak out and not want to get with me. I'm sorry I'm so depressing I'm just going through some shit and I really don't care if someone comments or not on this post because even if 5 million billion trillion people commented on my posts everyday it still wouldn't make me feel any less alone and hated. Just look on the bright side at least I'm not threatening to kill myself this time.

No man will every truly love me or want to spend their life with me and I will never have children of my own besides my cats and eventually the dogs (I don't want to end up a crazy cat lady) or achieve any of my dreams so I might as well come to terms with that now. FUCK YOU WORLD!!!!!

Hey ladies been doing okay with my eating. Okay you twisted arm I've been doing shitty. Ah ate a whole box of Velveeta cheese and shells last night yuck. Like I expected my mom dropped in unannounced today and I freaked out because 1) my apartment looks like a tornado went through it and 2) I had a bunch of thinspo pictures on my fridge. I managed to talk her and dad to wait in the car for me before they really got a chance to look at the fridge. They took me out to buy some frames so I could hang some of my grandmas' paintings on my wall. Then they decided to take me to Dairy Queen which is okay because they make their ice cream with Ice Milk which contains fewer calories than other Ice cream but then I decided to get a medium Oreo Blizzard which made it a even worse I should have just gotten an ice cream cone. So tomorrow I have to stay away from food.

Hey Jenna just wanted to say hi and sorry I haven't written back yet I will tomorrow.

Hope everyone is doing good achieving your weight loss goals

Got to go back to babysit my cousins for the first time since the hospital incident. I use to babysit every Saturday for my Aunt and Uncle then my sister said she would fill in until I was ready to go back and my parents and aunt told her it was only temporary. I don't think she wants it to be temporary anymore because when she and I were over at our parents for the Super Bowl I was like hey I'm going to be babysitting Mel and Brian on Friday. My sister snapped back at me so I'm the one babysitting on Saturday. I just looked at her and said um..okay good for you. Uh I only made $40 but hey at least it's money. I think she's going to try and push me out and I'm like look you have a great job at the Head Quarters of a national retailer that's based up here and I'm jobless I think I need the money more plus I've been watching those kids since they were born.

I was only babysitting till 9pm so I decided that since it was my best friends birthday yesterday and I got her a present that I even took the time to decorate the gift bag with little photos of Boones Farm (we are obsessed with Boones Farm but that story will have to wait for another day) on it and was feeling like she would get a kick out of it. I texted her but she never answered me back. I hate when people don't text me back because I'm all paranoid that nobody really likes me anyway and that just intensifies the feeling. I don't know I don't think she wants to be best friends with me anymore. All I ask is that if I ask you to do something and you can't, just be like hey I've got other plans tonight. I'll be like cool whatever maybe another time and I'll go about my business and not be all paranoid. I don't know I wouldn't blame her for not wanting to be around me I've always got some sort of dramatic event happening in my life if I were her I'd get out too. It will probably be two days before I hear from her again just like last weekend. Oh well I will let you know what happens I'm not going to try and contact her because she doesn't seem to want to talk to me. Also before anyone asks I did ask her if everything was ok with her if there was something going on that I didn't know about. Which if there was something going on she would have told me well I'm not so sure that is still true. We use to tell each other everything but she said no everything was fine she was just worried about me so I don't know I'm just going to give her some space and hope things turn around.

Ah last thing I gained 3lbs from all the eating the past few days blah it makes me sick but I was sure it was going to end up being more then that so there was some relief but mostly I'm just disgusted with myself and have to get back on track. Thanks Jas for the your suggestion of giving myself a few hours of free time then an hour of job hunting I'm going to try it tomorrow. Also hey RayRay thanks for all your comments I'm like when people relate to what I say it makes me like I'm not such a freak.

Remember ladies you will only be happy when you hit your weight goals.

Blah today was boring as hell....so to pass the time while I'm suppose to be applying but for some reason haven't even started I ate a hot dog and 2 pb&j sandwiches yuck. I need to kick myself in the butt and start looking for a job because the more time I spend just hanging out at the apartment with no social contact the more I start to eat. I need that 8 hours of work to keep me from getting hungry.


Hope the rest of you are having a better day then I am

Went food shopping at 1am mainly out of the fear that my mom or my sister will stop by to make sure I'm still doing ok and will open the fridge and see I have nothing but Captain and my Britta water pitcher in there. My mom would be like if you need help paying for food just let us know and then take me out grocery shopping and then I would have all this food to binge on and gain a bunch of weight back. My sister on the other hand would be like do you have an ED and I would be like no your crazy I'm just poor (but with out the r sound on the end I just didn't want to have it look like I would say poo) cuz I lost my job. She wouldn't believe me and call my mom and then mom would try to get me treated but I would get denied casue I'm not thin enough. Still I would be in a world of trouble. So I bought food and opened most of it and throw some of it out and ate a little bit of other stuff. That way if looks like I've been eating because I like throw away half a loaf of bread.

Ok I'm freaking out and thinking my best friend is actually reading this blog. Like I was reading through some of my followers profiles and I can across one that I read a few days ago and was like omg that's my best friend omg she's reading everything. I mean eventually I tell her everything I write here anyway but I don't know there is just something comforting about being able to just say stuff and not worry about what anyone I know thinks.

Thanks for the well wishing on the job hunt. I'm looking to do any job that I can get other than stripping because well I'm just not confident enough with my body to take my clothes off in front of people right now. Otherwise I've kind of been putting it off because this will be job number 5 since July so I'm not really thrilled about looking again it gets mind numbing and boring after awhile.

Ok so off to clean my apartment a bit so no quote because I've got so much cleaning to do.

So I slept for pretty much 2 days in a row. I did get up to feed the kitties during that time so it wasn't exactly 48 hours. When I woke up this morning well actually this afternoon cause I didn't actually get up until 2pm I was so disoriented and weak and really just feel like I'm drunk. I kept getting really light headed because I basically went two days without food and very little water so my body was about to give out on me. Ended up running to McDonalds cause I smell and didn't have the energy to really walk around a supermarket. I know I should be upset about getting nasty fast food but my body really needed it which isn't a very good excuse but believe me try going 2 days without even water and you'll know what I mean. I now that I'm up I've got to start job hunting and stuff which sucks cause everyone is being laid off right now and the job market isn't very good but that's what I get for getting fired during a recession.

Still haven't herd from my "best friend" nice to know she cares *cough* *cough*. Oh but guess who did call me it flippen knocked my socks off not in a good way but in a WTF way. Jake the guy who I had that terrible date with in December. I was like I can't even believe you are calling me after that shit I'm so not calling you back. Some people just don't get it do they I've told him he's not getting in my pants a million times and he still doesn't get it. I still can't believe that he asked me during that date why I would have sex with him before but now I wouldn't. I was just like really really I just got out of a relationship with the first guy I have ever loved and you want to know why I'm not ready to just sleep people again. Granted I use to be what people would call a slut (I like to call it lady pimping hehe cause it makes me laugh and I don't think I was a slut) but you really change after you fall in love for the first time which sounds totally cheesy but it's totally true for me anyway. Whatever I'm so not calling him back cause the last thing I need right now is to get myself into an awkward situation.

On another note my girly time started again so I'm avoiding the scale as much as possible. I know last time it came someone asked how I managed to keep it with my Ana. Answer probably because I'm still a bit of a chunky monkey although the less I seem to eat the longer and heavier it gets I've always been a little odd I guess.

I don't know why I'm adding this maybe because it makes me laugh even on the worst days.

So I haven't herd form my best friend since the day after my suicide thoughts and I tried to text her and apologize for my actions cause I had been drinking pretty heavily that night and I never heard back from her. So I guess I'm back to being alone what can I say some people just aren't suppose to have friends so I guess that's the way my life is suppose to be. Oh well you can't ever trust anyone but yourself anyway. Oh before I continue let me just apologize for all the run on sentences lately I just for some reason can't be bothered lately to follow grammar rules.

Last night in my drunken state I bought tickets to Charlies favorite band and told him I got them for free and asked if he wanted to go with me. I kind of made it seem like if he didn't want to that I would just end up selling them and it was no big deal. Then I decided that I needed to lose 22 pounds in 13 days to make him want me again. Damn it why the hell can't I get over this boy what the hell is wrong with me? He said no because he was already going with his buddies and was like how did you get free tickets? I quickly blurted out that my girlfriend was a concert promoter up here and that she always gets free tickets and that she thought we were still together and knew this was his favorite band and gave them to me even after I told her that we broke up. Now this isn't that far fetched as it sounds I went to school for television production those of us in the TV classes had our classes in the same area as the radio kids and if you work in radio promotions it's not that a huge of a leap to start doing concert promotions so it could have been true. I don't know I guess I'm just desperate for him to see that I've lost close to 40lbs since our one year anniversary last March and how amazing I look and of course add the new hair color and even though I'm still fatty mcfatty I'm looking pretty hot. I was even going to wear the infamous pink tank top that I wore the first night we hooked up. It's infamous because ever time I tell I guy I've slept with that I was wearing the pink tank top when Charlie asked me out and start to explain what it looks like they stop me and say oh I know that tank top well. Yes 40lbs you have to remember from one of my first posts that I was 205lbs in March i don't know how much I weighed in September when he ripped my heart out. I don't know maybe he saw right through me but I don't think so because he never was very good at being able to read me when we were together. Oh goodness I can't be doing this shit especially since I don't have a job and can't afford concert tickets.

Oh ok well I guess that's enough honesty for today I'm done hanging with the family for a little bit so I don't have to worry about eating for show around them. Blah Blah Blah I swear to God if I didn't actually live these crazy events first hand I would swear it was all made up but you can't make this shit up when your fucking crazy like me.

Remember ladies stay away from food and all your weight dreams will come true.

I'm still here just pretty torn up from cutting. Thanks for the kind words and just being supportive. It's kind of sad but I feel closer to my blog followers who I've never even met then to the people I see everyday and call my family and friends. I kind of turned my back on Ana the past few days because I've been up at my parents and I will eat around them because if they sense that something is wrong then it's back to the hospital or I will be forced to move back in with them. I love my parents but they are already dealing with my depression and self injury that if they find out about my Ana then they might just lose it. I've got to go back to bed blah I haven't been able to stay awake for more then an hour or two since my last post. Just wanted to let everyone know I'm still alive and thanks for the love.