Hey ladies im posting from my phone so i hope this works. Anyway going to cali tomorrow and im super excited. Im so sick of getting ready to go. I went out with my mom to get a swimsuit on wednesday and cried when i looked in the mirror which made my mom cry. This is taking forever to write so im going to end now but will talk to you ladies soon
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Been running around like crazy this week trying to get ready for my trip but not doing a very good job at it. My mom has made me come out everyday this week while also piling more stuff on me that she needs me to get down before Sunday. I keep trying to tell her I don't want to come out very politely. My therapists say that I need to stop doing what my parents want me to do all the time and tell people what I want. I mean they are right I am the worlds biggest people pleaser. So I've been working on it told my mom no I don't want to come out I have to much to do. She didn't listen she was like you have till Sunday and tells me I have to come over not listening to me. My parents never listen to me. They wonder why I can never make my own decisions it's because when I do they don't listen to me. It's so frustrating because I'm really working on trying to tell people "no this is what I want to do you need to respect it" but what's the point if nobody is going to listen to me. It's like last night after I got home from my parents my mom calls and is like well come up here tomorrow (which we planned cause she's buying me clothes) and then I will come over Thursday and help you clean. I said no mom you don't need to come over Thursday I've got it covered. She's like oh OK well bring your laundry up here then I will do it and bring it over Thursday to you.
I just wanted to scream and be like stop it I've got it under control okay if I need help I will ask for help. I know I'm a very proud person and I probably wont ask for help but still just stop. I love my parents I know I was very lucky to get such loving parents but they are driving me crazy right now. It's like the more I start to work at standing up for myself the more attached they become I think I might just lose my mind. Plus it also doesn't help that I don't have any food in my apartment right now so if she does come over she will be like why isn't there food why do you have all this stuff on your fridge telling you not to eat. It will just be a big mess that ends with me not getting the vacation I need so badly right now and it will just remind them that I'm fucked up and incapable of taking care of myself.
BTW yesterday would have been Charlie and my two year anniversary and really I must say I was surprised with myself. I really thought I was going to be just a mess but I really made it through the day with grace and dignity. I'm really proud of myself for that I think that yeah I will always love him he was my first love but I'm moving on with my life. Plus I'm getting super thin again and that's the best revenge for a broken heart is to get super thin and hot again.
Sorry I haven't been around much I have so much catching up to do on everyone elses blogs it's going to be crazy. After my last post I just shut down and decided to hide out from the world for awhile. I pretty much slept all day got up for an hour and went back to bed. Crazy times but everything is fine and great well as fine and great as they could be for someone in my position. Also on the plus side lost 5 pounds while I was doing all that sleeping so woohoo.
I'm going to California on the 29th with my aunt and uncle. Normally when they go on vacation my aunt takes her friend along to help out with the kids (they have 2 under the age of 3) so she can have time to relax. Her friend can't go and since I babysit for them all the time she called me up yesterday and was like how would you like to go to California with us we will pay for your ticket, lodging and all your meals plus....plus pay you $500 for watching the kids. I really need a vacation right now so Sunday can't come soon enough although it means I have to clean up the apartment so it's clean for my mom and sister to watch my kitties and to make sure I've hidden all evidence of my ED. Plus new clothes, laundry, getting hair cut and roots dyed so I look cute and other things that I'm too tired to type.
So I'm super excited but really really dreading this trip at the same time. Ladies I might have wiggle my fat ass into a swimming suit. Like I'm so horrified to get in a swim suit you have no idea I haven't worn one since I was in high school and let's not forget that I don't have a swim suit body right now. Also there is the problem of how flipping pale I am. Like no joke I refuse to tan fake bake or natural and I live in Minnesota where it's winter 9 months out of the year and I wear jeans all year round. Like people think my arms are pale until they see how ghostly white my legs are. I'm just not looking forward to possibility having to show the world how gross I look. Then there's the food issue like how am I going to cover this up. Since I live alone I don't have to eat anything most days I have an orange in the morning and that's it so this is going to be a challenge. I already looked at how many calories are in those airplane peanuts they give out so that's cool but as for the rest of the trip I have no idea what I'm going to do about it. Yikes but at least my stomach has shrunk enough so when I do it I can't eat very much of it. Like last night I had dinner with my parents they got me chicken parmesan from this really good Italian food place without asking what I wanted so I was a little pissed. I ate some of it for show but after two bites of chicken I felt like if I ate anymore I was going to explode so I just played with it a little bit took one or two more bites and gave the rest to the dog. I'm sure though after a few days of eating 3 meals it will be a completely different story.
This is the image that goes with my last posts quote I found it on a pro ana website awhile back. Sometimes I steal my quotes sometimes I make up my own. I really need to learn how to talk less I didn't realize what a chatty pants I was until I started blogging.
Remember ladies all this starving will be worth it someday.
First off I must say sorry because on my last post 2 or 3 of the comments I approved never showed up. Sometimes my computer has a mind of it's own so to those ladies I apologize.
Anyway just checking in to say hi and let people know I'm not dead. I don't know just been avoiding talking to anyone lately because I've been in such a cranky mood lately blah I hate when I get crabby and anti-social.
I went to therapy today more talk about how much I eat. Told them I only really eat 400 calories a day except last night because I was drinking. They tried to scare me out of restricting by telling me all the things that could start happening to my body. I ended up telling that I already tried to scare myself into eating right when I first realized I had some form of eating disorder and it didn't work. So then therapist #2 went on to be like why don't you think you deserve to take care of yourself. My answer had her holding back tears when I told her it was because I hate everything about myself and have hated everything about myself since I was 12 or 13. Then the three of us just kind of sat there for a while and therapist #2 tried not to cry and I tried not to cry because when other people cry I start to cry. Then it just got all weird and therapist #2 asked me more questions that ended up with us sitting there in silence while she tried not to cry and all I could think was like either this is the first time you have ever heard a client be so open about how much they hated themselves or you really need to have a different job because you crying just makes me not want to tell you this stuff. I don't know then it was off to time with therapist #1 which wasn't very productive she apologized for last week and I just kind of sat there and said yup okay and that was my day.
I mean more stuff happened then just that but I'm just not in the mood to talk about it probably because I'm just really cranky. I've got to get some sleep I have an interview tomorrow and like 4 days of blog reading to catch up on tomorrow.
Remember ladies fridge pickers where big knickers those who stay strong wear a thong. I hope I haven't used that one yet but I haven't done an ending quote in a long time so I decided to start again.
(Sorry but to be a 90's kid you had to be born by 1988 and even that's pushing it)
You've ever ended a sentence with the word "PSYCHE"
You can still sing the theme song to "The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air"
You've worn a skort or stirrup pants and felt stylish
You use to wear a large flannel button up shirt over everything
Wore Jelly shoes that made your feet sweat and god forbid you got a rock in them
You though you looked good in Overalls
You always wore a scrunchie around your wrist even if you already had on in your hair
You wore an oversize T-shirt and took the end of the shirt and tied it in a knot or shirt pony
You have at least one school picture where your mom curled the end of your hair and bangs under then dosed it with hair spray to hold
You had a mini backpack
You got super excited when it was Oregon Trail day in the school computer lab
You remember reading and sometimes getting freaked out by Goosebumps
Saturday cartoons where actually worth getting up to watch
You didn't need cable or Satellite to watch cartoons
You watched TGIF
You wondered why Smurfette was the only girl smurf
You had a plastic cartoon lunch box (I had Little Mermaid
You remember slap bracelets and slam books being banned from school
You use to say not after every sentence. NOT
You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates
You got injured on a Slip 'n' Slide and thought how they weren't as fun as they seemed on TV
You knew all the characters names and life stories on "Saved By the Bell"
You collected pogs
You thought that Kimberly the Power Ranger and Tommy the Red Power Ranger were meant to be together
To the above sentence you said...Hey...Tommy was the Green Power Ranger
You watched the original Care Bears, My Little Pony and Ninja Turtles
All your school supplies were Lisa Frank Brand
You wore stick on earings on your ears and on the corner of your eyes
You've gotten creeped out by "Are You Afraid of the Dark?"
You thought it would be so cool to be Alex Mack
Talk to the hand, Whatever and As If... enough said
Crying in the theater when Mufasa died
Stealing music meant sitting by the radio all day to record your favorite song on a cassette tape
You watch PeeWees Play House
You use to drank Squeeze
I could go on and on but I should stop what can I say I love the 90's. Any of you 90's kids out there feel free to add on to the list.
Okay so I did something I shouldn't have. Yesterday at therapy I admitted I have an eating disorder. Yes, I'm angry with myself yes I feel like an idiot but let me tell you what happened before I beat myself up too much.
So I missed therapy again on Tuesday with Therapist # 1 because of how much I've been sleeping. I went into Therapist #2 session on Wednesday which Therapist #1 sits in on. They both started to drill into me about my commitment to getting "healthy" and wanted to know why I keep missing appointments. I ended up telling them how I had slept for 27 hrs straight starting Monday night and that was why I missed therapy on Tuesday. They automatically wanted to send me to a psychiatrist (I think that's the one that can write prescriptions) and we fought about that but that is a different story. So Therapist #1 asks me when the last time I ate was. Being completely honest I said that morning. Then in a kind of bitchy tone she says when was the last time before that. No answer from me I just sit there teeth clenched. Therapist #1 again says when is the last time you ate because you look like you've lost weight. I wasn't giving in but after about 15 minutes of her pushing I finally blurted out I have an eating disorder.
Then the questions started coming one right after another from both of them. They were like feeding off of each other. Do you purge? Yeah, sometimes. How many times a week? 3 at the most. What do you purge? Fattening food. Do you restrict? Yes, what does it matter. How many calories a day? Between 200 and 800. Why? Because I'm fat. Why do you think that? Because I am. What memory from your past could have triggered this? I don't know what does it matter? We need to know so we can work on it, what event from the past? Far too many look I'm a depressed, history of suicide attempts, low self esteem, no confidence, puts way to much pressure on herself 22 year old girl are you really that surprised that I have an eating disorder it was bound to happen just like the suicide attempts just like the self injury just like the in ability to get close to people what did you expect?
Silence from both I got the questions to stop but inside I was beating myself up. If I could have gotten away with it I think I would have stabbed my car key in my leg and then twisted it. We went on with session not talking about what had been said the only reminder where the pages of notes that had been scribbled down during the 5 minutes I lost all self control. Then as I was leaving Therapist #1 asked me to see her alone in her office. I hung my head down and walked slowly in after her.
Of course she tried to make a joke to lighten the mood about how I was playing musical couches and I faked a laugh. Then she started how long has this been going? A while stopped a bit when I was with Charlie but toward the end of our relationship it started again. How much weight have you lost just in the past month? 14 lbs in the last three weeks not bad if I say so myself. Are you feeling OK are you weak or dizzy at all? Nope feel fine. You don't look fine you have dark circles under your eyes and your lips are blue. Well I also just slept 27 hrs straight and my lips are blue because all I wore outside was my zip up hoodie because it looked warm. I didn't realize there was a 32 below wind chill till after I stepped out. Plus I'm extremely pale so when I get cold my lips and hands turn blue weather I'm eating normal or not.
You look like you want to smile right now you looked like you wanted to smile after you told us and you seem proud of having an eating disorder. Well Therapist #1 you are wrong I don't want to smile I'm pissed at myself and I'm not proud that I was messed up enought to get an eating disorder. With that I went to leave but she just had to say one more thing. You know I don't think you have and eating disorder I think if you research it you will discover that. I said ok any left wondering if she were to find and read this blog if she would still feel that way.
Look I know I have Anorexia I think you know I have Anorexia but she doesn't seem to think I have any form of eating disorder what so ever. I think it's because she didn't realize it until now and because I'm not underweight yet. Which I think this is the one time I will ever say thank god I'm not yet otherwise this would have been a very different post. I think I will let her believe I don't have it and next time I go in to see her I will be like you were right I did the research I don't have an eating disorder I just wanted to have one. Which really I love my ana but I didn't every in my life before it think wow I really wish I had an eating disorder it's just not something people wish for it doesn't work that way. I don't know do you think it will work? Do you think it's even worth trying? I mean I will have to be careful not to lose too much weight over the next few weeks just until it's not so fresh in there memories. Then start to drop it left and right again and when asked just tell them I'm doing it the "healthy way". Hmmm...................I don't think it will be to hard to back track I'm pretty damn good at making therapist believe what I want them to believe.
On another note thanks for the kind comments I really love you ladies to the bones. You and your blogs are my thinspo and I don't know how I ever made it before finding our little world of Ana/Mia blogs. So with that said keep shrinking ladies!!!!!
So woohoo I think this is the first time I've actually stuck to anything where I write about my daily life. I mean normally I'll last a day or two and then just forget or just not care anymore but not this time. So yeah everyone take a shot of vodka for me since I'm not allowing myself any alcohol until SBC is over I'm surprised I actually stuck to that cause lord knows I love to drink.
I do have some things to write about but I'm going to wait until my next post to write them. I don't know why I just decided to wait.
Harlow you asked me if my parents suspected my ana and if that was why they keep having me over for dinner. First sorry I didn't answer sooner I kept intending to then posted and like 1 hour after realize I forgot to answer. No, my parents don't suspect my ana at all. Mainly because they think my lack of eating is from my depression. I happen to be one of the people who when I get really depressed just stops eating anything and since I had been doing this since before my ana developed they just consider me not eating meaning I'm just really depressed. They also force me to come over for dinner because they know I don't have a job right now (thank you American economy for laying everyone off) and know I'm to proud to ask them for money to buy myself food so they trick me into coming over at like random times so they can give me money and feed me.
I'm glad everyone liked my Allison Janney photos I've been a fan of hers since I saw her play Ms. Perky in 10 Things I Hate About You. That move came out when I was in 6th grade damn that was a long time ago if you haven't seen it I highly recommend it.
Fallen-Angel The West Wing totally kicks ass I'm watching all the seasons right now which is why I've neglected posting because they are on my computer. I just started season 5 which I never really realized that I had never seen season 4 and omg I just finished it last night and even though I know Zoey wasn't going to die when she went missing I was like oh my god you guys oh my god Zoey is missing. Then I realized I was talking to my cats and was like wow my neighbors must think I'm crazy. Anyway I'm not a big fan of season 7 because it makes me sad that President Bartlet is leaving the white house. I swear to god at least 3 times an episode I say out loud "I love President Bartlet." The West Wing is the best all though I would take Sam over will anyday Will just doesn't the same spark as Sam.
Okay ladies back down to business later on today but for right now I'm going back to watch more of The West Wing. Happy 100th post
I think she is so beautiful and thin. Maybe I'm a little bias because I love the West Wing and we were born on the same day but whatever she is tall and thin and beautiful.
So I purged I purged really bad. I had been doing so well this week I swear I was. Thursday night I all of a sudden got really hungry despite the fact my water trick had me peeing like every 5 seconds which is fine with me. So I went to get in the car to get food which I do sometimes if I've been in the apartment on the couch in the same jammies for like 2 days. Normally I get in the car smoke a few cigarettes while driving around looking a t the neon signs of fast food joints just to pass by and take another puff. Well this time it wasn't because I hadn't been out all day , once I got in my car I realized I was starving because I hadn't smoked in 4 days. So I went to the gas station got a buy 2 get a 3rd pack free smoked two and was no longer hungry. So I thought I was good I was dead wrong.
Friday morning another craving hit this time smoking didn't stop it ended up in the grocery store at 5 am buying Cookie Crips, Chocolate Milk, Chocolate doughnuts, and some little Debbie brownies. I didn't end up eating all of it but I probably ended up consuming over 1200 cals in like 15 minutes then I felt so gross and sick that I ended up purging. I did such a great job purging my stomach muscles still hurt even my rib cage hurts. So I guess no new shoes but I guess if I have to put a positive spin on it I just had the best ab workout of my life but I have no intentions of doing it again anytime soon. So I ended up probably digesting 600 cals on a 400 cal day which means today's 200 cal day which I have no intentions of eating anywhere near that much is going to be killer which means I will probably be back posting again this after noon to make it through.
So I have my interview with Ulta today at 1pm so I decided not to sleep so I have time to make myself look as least cowish as possible. I really want to work there because I love Ulta and well I need to get out of the house. I mean I'm nervous that I will be working with all girls because well I just fit in better with the guys except when it comes to the fact I like to sleep with boys and they don't. Then I just get a lot of questions about how I can men attractive when (and this is in the boys who have asked me this term) thing...or uh junk...or you know is so ugly but that's for a different post on a completely different blog so moving on.
Erin I appreciate your concern but please don't feel bad for me. I do not wish anyone to feel bad for me because well it makes me feel guilty which makes me even more depressed. Also I am seeking therapy for my depression problems I have mentioned it many times in my posts in fact I am now seeing 2 therapists at the same time at the recommendation of therapist number 1 of 2. They know about my depression they know about most of my suicide attempts they think I use to hurt myself but no longer do because I lied about it. I lied because I'm very ashamed of the fact that I do hurt myself which is why I don't even bring it up much on my blog and most people who do hurt themselves are like me and ashamed of it. I will never seek in patient help because that only really helps certain types of people and I'm not one of them. If they put me in the hospital I'm just going to do the same thing I did when I was on a suicide hold say exactly what they want to hear to let me out as fast as possible. Locking me up does no go for me because it will stop me from seeking treatment for depression because it will justify that I'm too fucked up for them to fix so they will just lock me away. As for seeking any treatment for Ana well it wont happen first off I'm not close enough to death of thin enough for any eating disorder in patient program in the country to even consider admitting me. Second I'm pretty sure no doctor or mental health professional will even classify me Anorexic because
DSM diagnostic criteria for anorexia are:
Went to bed at 3am yesterday didn't wake up til around 6pm. Felt really bad for sleeping that late because the kitties didn't have any food until I woke up. I always feel like they don't like me because I don't play with them any more because I'm just so exhausted all the time. My mom says that they can sense that I'm not myself right now and that they know I still love them. I'm not a crazy cat lady or anything but you know right now they are all I have they are basically my children and I love them. I also missed therapy with therapist #1 today but she will be in the session with me when I see therapist #2 tomorrow. Strange thing was Therapist #1 didn't even call me today so maybe she thought we decided not have our regular session today.
Good thing about sleeping that late is no eating. When I finally did get up I ended up eating like 10 cups of lettuce with some light ranch dressing so that was 160 calories all together. I ended up craving a cheese burger. I ended up giving in and driving to the burger joint and buying it. Took on bite and realized that I was only craving the taste of a burger and shake. So I ended up C&S the burger and fries then took a sip of shake and poured the rest of it out. I've never really done C&S unless I binge and I get to the end and I just can't eat any more so I C&S the last few bites. I know some of it got into my stomach but not much so I'm okay with that. I'm really happy that I'm getting to the point where I'm not craving to eat fat food I just want to smell it or C&S it. So I'm doing pretty good I've only had one day when I haven't drank enough water so I'm lets hope that the weight loss is much higher at the end of this week.
Other good news I have an interview at Ulta sometime this week. The manager left me a message yesterday asking me to come in for an interview either today at 3pm or Friday at 11. I was shocked because I had just filled out the application Monday night. So lets hope I get this job so at least I'm getting some income. Ah I'm so excited that I'm finally getting interviews especially with this crappy economy when people are getting laid off left and right. Wish me luck ladies I need it.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK!!!!! I was doing so well today so fucking good then all of a sudden my mom calls and says hey we want you to stop by tonight around 5pm so we can figure some stuff out. I knew they would be having dinner at 5pm so I said you know 7pm will work better for me. I know good job right avoid dinner give enough time in between to let the smell of yummy chicken out of the house. Well I was wrong I walked in the door and the smell of chicken hit me like a sack of bricks. It ended up that they decided to go to the gym at 5 and make dinner around when I got there and they made me some dinner. Third day in a row that they have made sure that I eat dinner with them. Like it's not like I'm under weight by any means at all so it's not like they have any idea that I'm not eating I was always really good at hiding my ana from the family. I don't know what the hell is the problem so I ended up eating it because my mom and dad are the only people world that can get me to do anything. So I went from going on a complete water fast which I was doing so great at only water from 9am - 7pm then it was chicken and a granola bar blah way to screw up the first day back on track. Just thank god that I'm not allowing myself purge and I was with my parents because it would have all come up.
Got to stay away form the parents for the rest of the week so I don't end up having another week where I only lose 1 lb because that is not acceptable for me.
I'm sorry my posts are so boring lately I'm still jobless and have nobody to hang out with so I'm just kind of sitting in my apartment by myself all day. I maybe said 5 things in between 9am and 7pm kind of a lonely can't wait til I get to have social contact again. Well I'm off to bed ladies I hope the rest of you are having a better time then I am.
Not really feeling talkative today so this will be quick. Down 1lb after the last week was actually really shocked because I binged like pretty much everyday last week. This week it's time to get my head back in the game. So here's the plan
1. No binging
2. No purging
3. Monday water fast
4. Tuesday - Saturday negative calorie foods only
5. Write down all calories consumed (slacked on that this week)
6. Some form of exercise
7. Drink at least 3 liters about 13 cups of water
8. Take supplements everyday even if they make my stomach feel gross
Okay keeping to these rules will definitely keep me on track. I can lose weight really fast if I keep to my rules I always have been able to. Lets just hope there are no family emergencies this week to send me back into a binge fest again. Keep working hard ladies just two more weigh ins.
