Second day in a row

Well hello ladies first time in a while I kept a promise and came back for two days in a row. How messed up is this halloween I'm at home drinking vodka and watching a movie by myself while my parents are at a Halloween party. WTF is up with that? Oh well I didn't eat much today so I can affords a few glasses of vodka and diet coke. At least I'm keeping it low calorie right I'd say about 100 calories at the most in each drinks. Most vodka is only 80 cals most of the time I take it in straight up shots w/ no chaser but since diet coke doesn't have any cals I added that tonight since my parents only have Smirnoff (yuck) I'm more of an Absolute girl myself.

todays eating
2 serving Cinnamon Life Cereal: 240 calories
1 ceser salad @ Green Mill Restaurant: about 80 calories give or take a few
2 pieces Di

Oops going to pass out now. Mom and Dad walked in lied to them and said I had one drink but it's more like 3 mixed vodka drinks. Heavy on the vodka like always I love my vodka with very little to eat. I'm not an alcoholic to any of you who feel that way. Both my parents have alcoholics in them. My Grandfather on my moms side was an abusive alcholoic and as much as I hate on Mom sometime I'm very lucky that even though she came from a family where her father would beat them bear bottom with a belts of wooden brush that she neverbeat me or my siblings. She only spanked me once barebottom although I don't remember what I did to make her do that I remember while I was doing it (not sex but something really terrible) with my bestfriend/boyfriend at the age of 4 or 5 that I was going to be in trouble. You kids that are younger than me (don't be offended by my use of the word kid I'm 22 and still consider my self a kid well actually 23 in 19 days [Holy fuck when the fuck did that happen wasn't I just 9 and in elementry school yesterday]) seem to know a lot more than I ever did at your ages I didn't even know what pot was til at least Junior High but then again every genreation guest seem to get older and older younger and younger. Too drunk to continue to drunk too drunk too drunk too drunk.

Yikes I've been so sporadic about posting since probably the beginning of summer it's not helping me to not post. Not posting does me no good all it does is make it easier for me to cheat. If I'm not posting it means I don't have to look my food intake in the eyes and that's weakness and my part. Out of sight out of mind right wrong no more babying myself I did it all summer and look fat it got me a one way ticket to fatsville. No I'm putting my foot down and I know I've said before but this time I mean it because the passion and drive for it is back. Why is it back well lets look at what I ate yesterday to find out. I have no idea what the calories where because I was being very naughty yesterday.

4 full bowls of cereal (didn't even bother to measure the serving size just filled those babies to the brim)
1 PB&J Sandwich on wheat bread and it was a very large globs of PB that I spread on
Half a bag of low fat pretzels
Some grease chicken mom got for dinner
Caesar salad
Fruit salad
A Weight Watchers Ice Cream bar.

Lets say it together now 'my god woman they should have fed you from a trough.' I feel just disgusting but it was like I just couldn't stop it. I knew I shouldn't eat so much but it was like I was a bottomless pit. Yuck well today has been better with a bowl of cereal to keep up appearances with the parents. Okay tomorrow will be a little more complicated since I'm going out dress shopping with my sister and mom again but I'll just have a salad at lunch. I will be back tomorrow and that's a promise.

Wow I don't even remember the last time I posted I lost track of time and the days seemed to fly by. Things are still very much the same around here. Mom's driving me crazy can't do anything without her bitching at me. I got a part time babysitting job on Mondays and Fridays. It's not much but it's giving me some money while I'm searching for something better. Of course the family that I babysit for didn't need me yesterday and today Mom was bitching at me about how this thing job was suppose to be reliable or some shit I don't know I wasn't really paying attention. It's like look they will need me most Fridays but if there is a Friday they don't need me what I'm I suppose to do about it back the fuck off. I've been screaming that at my parents a lot lately. Last week because they didn't think I was looking for jobs enough and I wasn't because I had mid-terms last week so I had a project and a test for every class. I don't do any of my homework at all during the other weeks because you would bitch at me about getting a job so now everything is piled up and I need to get it done.

I hate it here I really do and the more they bitch at me the less I eat. I should by them a card and right congratulations you are contributing to your daughters eating problems get parenting job. That's okay I really shouldn't eat at all since I'm such a fatty.

Today I went dress shopping with my sister for her wedding that was a disaster for me. Of course she's miss size 2 and petite. I on the other hand look like the jolly green giant (though I'm not to jolly) it was just yucky to even look at myself in those huge mirrors. Then while I'm trying on dresses Moms like you need to tan your white as a ghost. It's like oh I'm sorry that I got your skin and can't tan at all okay maybe if you weren't a red head mom I could tan and yes my sister can tan but she got dads skin so once again fuck off.

See this is why I haven't written in awhile I'm just feel so angry I don't like being angry. I'm not good at it I'm mean as hell when I'm angry. The only good thing going on in my life right now is that I'm riding my bike 6 miles a day this next week I'm trying for 7 or more I've got to push myself to exhaustion or I'm not going to be happy with myself. I need my legs to feel like jelly when I try to walk I need to abuse my body with exercise because the inside of my mouth is pretty raw right now and I can't keep blaming my cats for the cuts I'm getting on my chest from picking at myself. Just have to remember very little to no food and exercise til I almost collapse just until I heal a bit then I can pull back on the exercise.

Quick eating update

I just wanted to write a semi-positive post today for my sanity. I've been keeping on top of my eating which is making me feel somewhat better. Most days last week I kept it under 300 calories been feeling good about that. The only bumps in the road where the night my sister had my parents and I over for dinner to show us her house and we had this Italian take out. I had chicken parmigiana I'm estimating the calories of that to be somewhere around 900-1000 yuck but even the salads where covered in oils so nothing was going to be low calorie there. Then yesterday we had a baby shower for my cousin so I had lasagna with cake and ice cream I don't even have a calorie estimate for that but I'm sure it was well into the 1000s. I've also been exercising a bit not much been doing around 3 miles on the bike also raking leaves and mowed the lawn twice last week so it was pretty productive. It snowed last night so I doubt I will be mowing the lawn this week which makes me sad because it was starting to give me some ab definition. I guess I'll just have to hope for more snow (shudder never thought I'd say that I hate snow) so I can start shoveling.

Life at home is still shit but that's a topic for a different day I really don't want to talk about the verbal abuse my parents are throwing at me right now. I still haven't processed everything that's happened yet.

My mom is driving me crazy. Its like back the fuck off and leave me alone. God anytime I've so much as smirked she takes a gab at me to bring me back down. All I can say is fuck off mom

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I just keep making the same mistakes over and over again

Just another depressing post so if you are sick of me stop reading now. Lost my job today mom says I have 2 weeks to get another one before she kicks me out. I'm going to go home and pack and call Charlie to pick up the kitties. I'm going to miss my babies so much I don't think I'll last long without them but they deserve better then me. I'm suppose to be in class but i'm in the parking lot crying over the kitties. My babies they were the last two living things left that loved me and I failed them despite trying so hard this time. I think its time for me to take the little money I have to pay of my parents and as much debt off as possible and run and never look back. There is nothing left for me I ruined it all its time to jump.

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Trying to post for days...

so this is just going to be a bunch of little paragraphs forcing myself to post something.

I have started and saved about 10 post so far most of them just a few sentences long. I'm pretty sure it has something to do with the weather. It's been cold and raining for the past week which always seems to make me blah out. Yuck, I hate the rain almost as much as I hate the cold but not as much as I hate snow. This is probably why I have so many unfinished post because I keep babbling.

I've decided that I'm done with dating. Not that I've had many dates this year ok shut up I've only had one date this year and it was terrible. It never seems to fail that when I'm attracted to a guy he ends up being married or having a girlfriend every time no joke. Even though I'm a hopeless romantic I think I'm going to let that part of me die. It's terrible falling for guys that don't even know I exists I don't blame them for not noticing me I'm not beautiful or breath taking in anyway plus I'm fat so why would anyone notice me. Mom seems determined to find me someone weather it be the friend of someone she works with or dropping hints about a singles club in our area. I finally told her tonight I'm not dating anyone because I seem to have the incredible gift of only being attracted to taken men which she was like Nas don't even think about doing anything with those guys. I was like I don't I walk away when they tell me that I'm not a whore of course in my head I was saying like that anymore. Honestly I don't want to lay down any roots here with anyone besides me family because it will be hard enough to move away from them let alone friends or a boyfriend. I just want to get through school as fast as I can get a job for a year when I graduate save up money and head to Hollywood.

Got back to exercising this morning which despite being dead tired from not sleeping at all last night makes me feel really good. Went down to the basement and did 2 miles on the bike it's not much but it's a start I haven't formally worked out in 2 months so I decided the next two weeks I'll take it slow then start to build up. I'm not doing to bad eating wise either last week the only thing I ate was 100 calorie snacks the most calories I consumed with those was 1000 one day when I was just out of it. This week I've decided that I'm going to have an apple from breakfast and then a smartones for lunch and that's all I get to eat and to drink I can have water, milk or diet coke but mainly water. I was originally planning just to eat an apple ever day but Mom bought a bunch of smartones a few weeks ago and I haven't touched them and she's starting to ask question. So I decided just eat it for lunch and then work it off which wont be hard to do since they only have between 200 and 300 calories a piece. I'll let you know how it works out.

Tomorrow is dooms day when I finally get back on the scale and see how much damage I've done the last two months wish me luck.