Wedding slim down Days 8 and 9

Days left: 26

Fast went great really stuck to it. I drank mainly water but had one can of sprite zero. So yeah I'm pretty happy with how my fasting went.

Today I hit 450 calories so I stayed under my calorie allowance. I didn't have time to exercise today as I was busy driving all over creation trying to find a bra for this fuck wedding. I ended up hitting up the Mall of America which is shocking because I fucking hate that place. Well I guess I did exercise then walking around that god forsaken place. I ended up spending $115 on two bras can you believe it I was grumbling the whole way home.

Anyway back on subject it was a good day though I really need to step up the amount of water I'm drinking. I only drank two bottles today I'm shooting for 5 so I fell a bit short. I just hate water so much I guess I should try adding lemon juice to it.

Alright ladies I'll see you tomorrow sorry for how repetitive my posts are getting I'm just so damn exhausted.

Wedding slim down Days 6, 7 and 8

Days left: 27

Sorry for missing two days of posting. Like I've said before I'm working 6 days a week. My Friday/Saturday job is cleaning offices which is constant moving so by the end of the day I'm exhausted. Days 6 and 7 were both perfect 500 calorie days with 8 hours of washing windows and pushing around an industrial sized vacuum cleaner. So I'm pretty sure I burned all those calories off woohoo.

Today is fasting day and I couldn't be more excited. So far I don't even fell hungry. I have bottles and bottles of water stashed up in my room with me. I'm thinking I'm going to fast tomorrow too since it's a holiday and I don't have to be on my feet for 8 hours. I'll be back later tonight to up date how my fast is going. Love you girls stay strong.

Hey Raynay thanks for mentioning pinning my dress if it's too big for me. I didn't even think of that but I'm going out to buy safety pins tonight just so I'm ready.

Wedding slim down Day 4 and 5

Days Left: 30
Down 3 lbs

Sorry I didn't get a chance to update yesterday between work and having to babysit I didn't have time to get online. Yesterday was an almost perfect day. Almost because the kids I watch made me cake and they wanted to watch me eat it. I managed to put it off until right before they went to bed. I eat about half a piece before managing to drop it on the floor oops. Once I got them to bed I purged the half I ate. Today on the other hand not so great I've had about 900 calories. I know how disgusting right. Ugh I'm so going to do sit ups and bicycles until I fall over.

Mom keeps telling me I have to stop losing weight or my dress wont stay up. I just nodded my head and walked away. I don't know I think my family wants me to stay fat because they keep telling me I look fine and shouldn't worry about losing weight. It's like please we all know I'm a cow that looks like a beached whale when I put on a dress.

Blah that's enough negativeness for today. Tomorrow is a new day when I get to be constantly moving for 8 hours. It's going to be a good day.

Wedding slim down DAY 3

Days left:32

Much better day today. Hopped on the bike for a 3 mile ride after work today. Oh and I did get a bit of exercise done yesterday when I babysat. One of the kids is a year old so I used him to weight lift by playing games like airplane and toss me in the air and catch me. It was a really good workout I was feeling it this morning. Let's see calories wise did exactly 500 today stayed within my limit so that is much better then yesterday.

Tomorrow is another full day of work followed by babysitting. I'm shooting for a 400 calorie day followed by a fast on Thursday. Oh Oh I almost forgot tomorrow I'm getting on the scale not the most excited about that but I'm trying to keep myself in a positive mood. I'm not looking at the whole amount I weigh because I'm not going to be hitting my goal weight anytime soon. I'm just focusing on the amount lost. Keep your fingers crossed for at least 2 lbs.

Hope you all continue to shrink.

Wedding slim down DAY 2

Days left: 33

Quick post before I have to run to my other job. I'm so exhausted working 3 different jobs 6 days straight is wearing me down. I came home from one job today and I started crying really hard I'm so tired. Anyway no exercise today I'm too busy for that. Calorie wise went over my max limit of 500 I wasn't as obsessive about tracking my calories today but ruff estimate of around 600 and I think that's probably higher than what I actually eat but I just don't have the time and energy to really figure it out.

Sorry this is so short but I'm trying to really stick to my goal of posting everyday. Sorry my blog sucks ass I'm trying ladies I really am. Hopefully tomorrow my post is better. Think Thin Ladies.

Wedding slim down DAY 1

Days Left: 34

Here we go day one went well. My body is so sore form yesterdays work out that I can barely walk down my stairs. I know some of you are saying "girl that is not a good sign". My answer is your probably right but the pain reminds me I'm alive. We could get into a whole discussion about that last sentence and my self harming tendencies but this is not the time for that. We can have that conversation in 34 day. Back on topic I haven't exercised yet today but I'm going to do some light weight lifting after I post. Definitely need to take it easy for the next few days.

So on to calories of the day.

1 Piece of Cheese - 90 Calories
Low Cal Bread x2 - 80 Calories
Butter with Olive Oil x 1 Tbsp - 90 Calories
1 Apple - 80 Calories
Weird Diet program fudge cake - 100 Calories
Crystal Light - 10 Calories

Grand total = 450 Calories

50 more calories than I was hoping to consume today. Still could have been worse right so I'm happy overall with today. So onto tomorrow which is going to be a long day. Of working 2 out of 3 of my current jobs. Food wise I'm thinking 2 pieces of low calorie bread one slice for breakfast one for dinner. For lunch I'm thinking either an apple or lettuce. Also a lot of water I only had 2 bottles of water today far less then what I expect of myself.

That's all for today I guess. Oh and sorry my posts being so generic and boring I've been out of practice for awhile as we all know I promise they will get better we will have some interesting times ahead with bridal showers and maid of honor duties starting to pick up.

Sam I'm sure you looked beautiful and deliciously thin at the wedding you went to. I hope you had a good time.

Wedding is close time to get my fat ass in gear

Alright ladies here we go one month to wedding time and well I'm no where near being skinny enough of course that's my own fucking fault. There's nothing I can about being a dumb ass and eating now. So here's the plan for the next month:

- Fasting at least twice a week but shooting for every other day
- Days I do eat only 500 calories max
- Exercise everyday
- Blog every day when possible

Not the most complicated plan I know but really basic are best. Not a long post but I'm exhausted from working out a 3 times today. Talk to you tomorrow ladies.

Being a Nanny is hell on my waist line

PSA: I do not advise anyone anywhere to binge and purge or to starve themselves ok on to the post

Last Monday after I put the kids down I purged in a strangers house after making cup cakes and shoving them in my fat face. Note to self remember to buy a toothbrush and toothpaste to keep in my purse at all times. It was not fun sitting around for 3 hours with barf breath waiting to be off duty. Ugh sometimes I think I need a live in position so I don't have to deal with that shit.

For the past week I've been up north being a nanny for a different family and I've stuffed my fat face. I've l0st 10 pounds this month but I feel like this week I gained it all back. Tomorrow I'm planning on doing a one day fast. I would like to make it longer but I have to drive 6 hours home on Thursday and I don't feel safe doing that on an empty stomach. I have a bridal shower Thursday night so I'm going to have to eat something. I'm thinking a Friday/Saturday fast and anything that gets put in my body other than water is getting purged out I don't have much time left before this wedding and I need to stop being weak. I fucking hate myself for eating so much I think tonight I'm going to have a nice purge session when I put the kids to bed. I need to seriously start learning how to fake eating in front of people I really suck at it. Thank god I get a few hours off during lunch time so I can claim to have eaten lunch when everyone is gone. Only problem is when the parents eat dinner and I'm like I'm not hungry and they are like we haven't seen you eat all day so I have to eat with them. Then it's like I go nuts with food. Not tomorrow though ladies I don't care who bugs me I'm not eating.

Yuck I just at two corn dogs blah because the kids didn't want to finish them plus the hot dogs and string cheese they took two bites from before wanting to eat corn dogs worst part is I can't purge while they are awake and it's two hours before they go to bed a lot of good that will do me. Well wish me luck ladies tomorrow is a big day.

Thank You Anonumous commentor

I don't know if you will ever stop by and read this again but thank you a million times thank you. I logged on not really sure what to write about. I was really just looking for a distraction form showing any emotions that would get me accused of feeling sorry for myself after being put threw the ringer by my family. That's a totally different post sorry. I cried so hard while I read it because it was exactly what I needed someone to say they understood without trying to hide pity or push for change. I'm really bad at trying to expressing my feelings in words but just know I will keep your words in my heart forever and maybe take a few art classes along the way.

Not so cranky this week I hope

I've finally got this restricting thing back under control. Well not the complete control I once had but I know that I just have to give it time and I'll be back to things like fasting for a few days in no time. Getting back into restricting was the worst I was such a cranky bitch it was awful. Lots of warm water with 5 calorie cranberry mix. some diet coke and a bag or two of 100 calorie popcorn in the morning or around 5pm have helped stop the rumble of my tummy.

I am still having some difficulty though because when I lived on my own I kept very little to no food in my apartment but my parents have so much food and peanut butter *drools*. God I love peanut butter I don't even need bread to eat that shit just give me the jar and a spoon and I'm in heaven. Oops a little off subject there sorry. Anyway having so much food around is difficult for me because I swear it's like a magnet for me and pulls me in to it. I'm really looking for any advice people have to help with this I know many of you live with other people so have kitchens full of food also how do you deal with it?

I have to get going my mom will be home soon and if I look like I've been in bed all day there will be hell to pay I tell you what. Love you ladies stay strong.

Good calories day

Been a good die my computer is about to die so I don't have much time to write. All I ate today was a bowl of Apple Jacks with fat free skim milk calorie total of 140. Plus two vodka diet cokes which comes to 138 calories. Plus I'm going to have 100 calorie popcorn thing. So that give me a grand total of 478 today. Not bad for my first day of letting Ana take control again. I've been fighting her off since my last post I wanted to be normal but I'm a fat ass and nobody wants a fat actor. Be back later when I can still my mom/the bitches laptop power cord my fucking cats chewed through mine and I have no money to buy a new one. Bye ladies.

Hi everybody

Been over a week since I last posted I apologize had mid-terms the last two weeks so I've been busy. Now it's spring break woo hoo which means a perfect time for a little fasting I'm excited I can't wait to start.

My parents are in Las Vegas for the weekend which gives me a much needed break from them and their constant nagging plus I get to drink openly instead of hiding bottles of Vodka and Gin under my bed. I'm not a big drinker anymore like when I started this blog I drank every night until I passed out or blacked out. Now I just have 1 or 2 drinks and now longer every night. Which is good because the last thing my fat ass needs is more calories. Another plus to no parents I don't have to pretend to eat which makes me so excited.

I talked to my sister tonight and I told her that I'm the reason she shouldn't have children. I'm a little pissed tonight because I'm watching Public Enemies which was filmed in Wisconsin which is Minnesota's neighbor (I was born, raised, and still live in Minnesota) but was denyed a part because I'm 5'10" and they were using actual clothing from the 30's which means that the women they used had to be 5'7" or shorter so I was denied a part. I could have worked with my idol Johnny Depp but was shot down. Being so close to working with your idol only to be told no makes you a little bitter. How do you get rid of the bitterness you drink your fucking brains out. Yeah I said I only had one or two drinks a night when I did drink but now that I'm watching this movie I got really angry and started drinking my beloved Vodka. Hopefully that it's just a sign that I'm meant for bigger and better things.

Sorry Naomi for not following through with my promises to catch up on your blog things just got crazy for me. Just remember I love you girl and I will catch up on your blog soon. This week is spring break so I have nothing better to do then bite the inside of my mouth to self harm and catch up on blogs.

I failed!!!

I cut myself today.

Being measured for a dress is blah blah make me puke gross

So I went and got measured for my bridesmaid dress and it was not pleasant at all. I wont give you my exact size but lets just say I ended up being sized in the lower double digits. I felt bad for the lady measuring me though because as some of you know I have the mouth of a sailor (please don't bitch me out for that comment I don't mean any disrespect for people in the Navy it's just an expression) and when she showed me the size I saw getting I screamed 'fuck me up my fat ass look at what a tub of lard I am I told you I was a whale mom'. So I spent the last few days only eating 2 meals both days because they where family gatherings. Tomorrow I'm only eating breakfast then Tuesday I'm not eating anything at all. I haven't had a fast day in forever I'm actually looking forward to it. I miss feeling lightheaded when I stand up I now that sounds so fucked up but it means I doing good when it happens. I would do a fast tomorrow but I have the longest most boring class in the world tomorrow night and need some energy to get through it. I mean it's hard enough to stay awake in that class when I do eat before it. So wish me luck for the next few days ladies if all goes well on Tuesday I may extend my fast day by day until I can't take it anymore.

Before I go into my novel for Naomi it's time for my ending statement thought thingy. Today is a little bit different then the normal words of parting about weight and food and shit today's ending line is for me.

It's been 3 months since I've cut myself longest I've ever gone so go me!! I still hurt myself some times but I'm not cutting or burning myself anymore I hope I can keep this up.

Naomi my sweet girl I've missed you so much too. I'm sorry I stopped emailing you things just got so crazy. Then I tought you were mad at me because you didn't comment on any of my posts that I sent from my phone and then I found out that you weren't commenting because my phone posts weren't showing up. I should have e-mailed but I'm suck a non-confrontational person that I didn't because I didn't want us to get into a screaming match and I was just being stupid. Part of me was trying to push you away because I didn't want to be hurt by another person when really I should have asked you for help. You really are the first person I've ever met that got everything about me. It's so weird I always felt like you were a younger version of me when it comes to our disfunctions which made me excited to have someone who finally understood all of what I was going through but made me sad because as much as I've wanted to find someone like you I never really wanted to find someone like you because I knew that meant someone felt pain I've felt. And truthfully I wouldn't wish that pain on my worst enemy. Ah look at me babbling like always just know I love you hun and I'm going to be catching up on your blogs in the next few days so expect to get a lot of comments from me.

Fuck!!!!! A new friend

So I made a friend an honest to goodness real person friend. He is so awesome and gay as gay can be and I mean like drag queen gay. Of course we hit it off right away when he looked at me the first day of class a month ago and said "giiiirrrrlll you are my new best friend" before I even said one word to him. I've been very gaurded around him though I'm scared he's going to bolt like everyone else. I swore to myself that I wouldn't allow myself to get close to anyone until I move to California after I finish school. This is going to end badly like always I can feel it in my bones he is going to figure out just how crazy I am and bolt like everyone does. I forgot how draining it is to put on the I'm not fucked up and I love everything about me act when you aren't numb inside act is. I pretty much go home after school and sleep because it just takes everything I have to put this act on and deal with the guilt of lying to my new and in person friend. Fuck what the hell did I get myself into again I know better than to get close to people but I fucking give in every time I need to be stronger and not let anymore people in who aren't part of the eating disorder/depressed online community here on blogger. Oh man I don't want him to leave in a year or so and cause me to end up loosing it again I can't end up on another 72 hour hold there are only so many times I can talk my way out of being put in the mental hospital before they stop listening and put you there anyway.

I don't know what to do or how to deal with this friend thing. I mean what should I tell him about my problems what shouldn't I tell him how soon is to soon to know your new best friend is fucked up beyond repair? Why the fuck are people so confusing I mean despite my issues I'm a pretty straight forward girl I mean what I say and I say what I mean and all that jazz with a bit of tact thrown in so I don't come off as a complete bitch but when it comes to letting people in I just freak out. I hate people for the most part I really do.

I don't know I will be back tomorrow to write again because I have to get measured for my bridesmaid dress. God it's going to be a disaster and I'm going to have the fact that I'm a fat ass thrown in my face. I've been holding steady at my weight but it's because I've plateaued so I'm not to pleased with myself right now but that's for tomorrows post.

Remember ladies when it comes to losing weight you are in it to win it.

Stupid phone post not showing up

What the hell? I didn't have a lot of time to be on the computer for recreation last month so I decided to post form my phone. Now I see they never showed I must have done something wrong. At least I now know why I never got any comments on anything I wrote. I just thought it was because my post were boring. Hehe all I can do is laugh about it and find time to post from my computer.

Life is pretty much the same shit happening over and over. Although today Mom made me cry by making me doubt my ability to ever become a successful theater actor. I had my first acting assessment today which is where you are given a part in a scene and you get up on stage and the director/professor grades you. I had four lines and I bombed. I got so nervous it was the first time I've been on stage in 5 years and I was nervous as hell. The moment I got up there I let my nerves get the best of me I swear I thought I was going to toss my cookies in the middle of the scene. So I told my Mom what happened basically already feeling emotional about it. She looked at me and said 'well this is why I always thought you should just stay with backstage stuff anyway you never had the confidence to be an actor'. I tried to argue that I use to be confident because if I wasn't I would have never gotten cast in any plays in high school. So just told me I was wrong and I just walked away trying not to break down in front of her.

I just don't understand why my parents hate me so much. I'm trying so hard not to break down right now. Maybe I'm just being over sensitive because I've had my girly time for almost three weeks now after only having a week off in between this one and the last one. I don't know just hearing that come from her mouth hurts so fucking much I would give anything to be numb again. This hurts almost as bad as when I told my parents I was sexually assaulted and Dad looked me in the eyes and said 'I told you that was going to happen to you' and people wonder why I have no self esteem. I guess I'm just going to spend the rest on my night curled up on the couch upstairs spaced out waiting for sleep to claim me maybe I will find numbness again.

I'm really sorry this post is another sad one I really did have a bunch of upbeat ones I sent from my phone I really thought things might be looking up for me but like always I was wrong. Well I guess on a positive not I'm getting my mid-life crisis over in my 20's so my 40's should be smooth sailing right......right.

Quick thanks

Just stopping by to say thanks to those of you who left comments and those who didn't but read my ramblings. I wish I had a family as understanding as all of you. You ladies are so amazing even though I up and disappeared on all of you in an attempt to appease my family and make them proud of me you welcomed me back with open arms and without demanding and explanation or apology. I am going to apologize for it taking so long to get my head out of my ass and realizing that I left behind an amazing community of people who understand me for family that will never accept me. Just thank you thank you thank you for being the family I always wished I had. I'm so excited to catch up on all of your blogs, lend my support and to restart my blogging on a regular basis. Tomorrow starts operation no more weakness I'm so pumped.

Stay Strong ladies I love you all.