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A better week eating wise but still not where I was at before I was living at home. School is the savior that gives me an excuse to stay away from the kitchen. I just spend most of my in the library doing homework with no money on me so there is no way I can get food from the cafeteria it's perfect really. Now on the weekdays I don't spend much time at home with my parents because of my schedule. The nights I am home with them I stay upstairs most of the time but I go down to the kitchen twice once to "eat" a snack then a second time because I have to eat some sort of dinner in front of mom and dad. Dinner is usually like a Smart Ones or something low in calories. I really feel it's a good plan since I make sure not to eat much if anything on these days. I just need to figure out a weekend plan because my parents tend to be around during all meal times this my take me a little longer figure out but I'm sure I'll think of something.

The first week of school went smoothly. Although on the advice of disability services I dropped one class and replaced it with a different one. Which was the right decision because I would have just struggled to understand what was going on all semester long. My other classes are great though I knew I was worrying for no reason. Although every time I look at my class schedule I laugh because I took a nutrition class to fulfill my health requirement I find it kind of funny. Oh and FYI to any of you college students here in the states who want to save some money don't buy your books rent them. The two best book renting sites I found are Chegg.com and Campusbookrenter.com. Instead of paying $100 plus for each book I paid around $30 for each book and I can highlight in them if I want. The books are in really good condition at the end of the semester I send the books back with the prepaid shipping label it's great like Netflix for textbooks. Sorry to sound like a commercial here just being poor makes me look for ways to save money especially since I'm now a poor college student who has to pay for school myself this time around.

Remember being thin is hard work.

Can't sleep so I thought I'd blog.

*Sorry if this post jumps around or doesn't flow well. My mind is just thinking about a million things at once right now.*

So finished moving which hopefully means I wont be so stressed out which means I wont eat very much if anything now. Whenever I get really stressed out I eat and eat and eat I don't know why I guess that's just my way of dealing with things. Plus I had to get use to living with people again I totally avoid going down stairs at meal times. My parents like to make their food on the George Foreman Grill and the smell just made me eat everything in sight.

This concept of actually having food in the cupboards is so foreign to me. After living the last 2 1/2 years without having much to eat in my kitchens it's been difficult to remember exactly how make it look like I'm eating without actually eating or that even though there is food in the house how not to eat it. Even though I enjoy having some social interaction everyday I wish I could live with someone like Charlie again who didn't really give a damn about my eating habits. I feel so fat I must have gained 100 pounds the last two weeks and I'm sure every inch of me giggles when I move yuck. That's okay though because tomorrow I'm going back to working out at least every other day with serious food restriction with a few days of fasting mixed in. I can't wait to start starving myself again Ana has been screaming at my fat ass at the top of her lungs to get back to work and now I will be able to give into her.

Had my first day of school yesterday I hope I do good. I've only had one class but I'm a little nervous about doing good. I always get overly nervous about things that I don't need to worry about. I should be asleep right now I have class in a few hours I'm just excited and nervous and overly stimulated about getting back to normal. Well I don't want to turn this into a novel so I will end here. I have so much to tell you ladies but I better not blurt everything out and make my writing choppier then it already is.

I'm not in treatment or abandoned you.

Hey Ladies just a quick post I haven't been forced into treatment or anything just extremely busy. I'm so sorry I really miss you all and I will be back to posting on a regular basis on Monday at the latest. I've been moving back home and I am a notoriously slow mover. As any of you with ADD/ADHD will know when it comes to things I don't like doing/ don't want to do I get distracted easily. When it comes to things I love/want to do I can focus like Hermione Granger. Those of you with ADD/ADHD know what I mean it's a very odd learning problem I don't like to call it a disability because I don't feel like it's a disability it just means like I've said before that I learn different than others.

I hate when I get to busy to post because this blog and you ladies are what keep me on track and I love you are so much for that. I know some of you have written me e-mails and I apologize to you for not answering them especially to fallen-angel I've always seen so much of myself in you I worry that you feel the way I would if someone didn't answer me in so long. I don't hate you or anything I love you so much like I've said before you where one of my first readers and will always hold a special place in my heart. All of you hold and special place in my heart you all keep me strong and I can't wait until I've finished moving and school starts so I have time to post again. I apologize if this post doesn't make a whole lot of sense or jumps around a lot I

just got in from bar hoping with some old high school friends so I'm a little tipsy not drunk just tipsy after 2 drinks because no eating and lack of calorie intake. Ok, ok I lied I've been drinking at my parents alone I have no friends. But I did only have two drinks with very little calorie intake before I felt tipsy now four drinks later I'm fully wasted and want more plus for fuck sake I'm horny as hell I miss being thin and a whore because I'd fuck anyone anywhere anytime. Now that I'm fat I can't fuck anymore because well I'm fat. I want to call Charlie and ask him if he's got a new girlfriend who is as sexually adventurous as I am. If she is then I will be the girl they are looking for I will have a 3-some with them not like it would be my first 3-some anyway I'm so horny. Sorry I'm such a whore ladies and don't tell me I'm not because my motto is "if she doesn't swallow than she doesn't deserve a cock to fuck her. Well until Monday or maybe sooner goodbye and keep starving.

Sister drama makes me cry

Been busy as hell this last week. My lack of posting isn't because I've fallen back into sleeping all day because of my depression or anything like that. After this next week things should be slow down and I will be back to posting almost everyday.

I was such a pig tonight though because my sister and I had a BBQ for my dads birthday. I had a small steak, some salad, corn on the cob, fruit salad, a slice of ice cream cake, and a captain and diet coke. I honestly can't remember the last time I had a meal with so many different foods. Like normally I can pick either some carrots, a piece of fruit or a slice of low calorie bread. With my family if I don't have enough food on my plate they will put more on it for me. I think they suspect my eating habits but don't say anything. So to avoid this I put a little bit of everything on my plate. I wasn't going to drink but well my sister was yelling at me all day because she's stressed out with planning her wedding already. I finally started crying when she came out while I was grilling and told me what a bitch I was. I was finally like I need a drink to make it through this dinner. All I know is that she better calm the fuck down or I'm out. Lord knows I'm not mentally stable enough to be yelled at a lot be one person even with all the work I've done in therapy. I'm sure me being little miss emotional has something to do with the fact that I didn't have my period last month. Damn you period if you are too long my emotions get out of whack and if you don't come at all my emotions get out of whack.

Thanks Ophelia for your comment I really need that tonight.

Sick and Tired....By Everclear

I'm sick of writing the same post over and over again so I just decided to put in the song that pretty much is my life. I don't care if anyone comments because I know you are all getting sick of me writing the same god damn post over and over again too. The only difference between my life and this song is that it says I want women who are out of my reach and where as I want men that are out of my reach.


I break every day
Stressed out in every kind of way
I am sick and tired of bein' sick and tired
All I need and crave
Loud life with the power to fade
I am livin' 'cause I keep it all in, keep it all inside
Yeah, I keep it all in, keep it all inside
Love don't work for me
I want women who are out of my reach
I am sick and tired of livin' all alone
All I need for sure
Big love with the power to make more
I am livin' 'cause I keep it all in, keep it all inside
Yeah, I keep it all in, keep it all inside
I know I'm close to the fall
I know I'm dangerous
I'm afraid I'm going down
I blame my family
Their damage is livin' in me
I am sick inside and tired of my life
All I need, I swear
Go out with the power of a nightmare
I am livin' 'cause I keep it all in, keep it all inside
I keep it all in, keep it all inside
Yeah, I keep it all in, keep it all inside
I know I'm going to fall
I know I'm dangerous
I know I'm not going down alone
I keep it all in, keep it all inside
I know I'm close to the fall
I know I'm dangerous
I know I'm not going down alone
I'm not going down alone, I know

Boys, Boys, Boys

So no workout tonight was planning on hitting the gym after work but on of the sales guys who we will call T asked if I wanted to go out for drinks. I think we were going out just as friends because I think he has a girlfriend who he has 2 kids with. Now nothing was going to happen because 1) we really are just friends I know people don't think girls and guys came be just friends after a certain age 2) I have absolutely no sex drive right now well for the past 10 months which makes me so sad because I absolutely love sex. Well we were texting back and forth and he was like are you working tomorrow and I'm like no. He's all like Oh so you don't have a curfew 2nite...so big! (the curfew thing is a little inside joke) and I text back no, cause I'm a big girl now. He never sent anything back so now I'm sitting here going great job always say just the right things to make people uncomfortable now you are sitting alone in your apartment doing nothing when you could be getting trashed. I thought about texting him and asking if he still wanted to meet up for drinks but I just keep thinking why make things more awkward right.

Well even if I didn't go out at least it gave me a good excuse to get out of hanging out with C (no I don't mean Charlie this is a different guy). I've been buying pot from C for a few months now and he keeps trying to get into my pants. First off I don't date drug dealers because I'm not an idiot and how would I explain that to mom and dad "This is C he doesn't have a job, oh how is he able to afford to take me out well he sells drugs." Second he is just not my type I'm not turned on by him and every time he talks I want to punch him in the throat. I just want to say to him look you didn't grow up in the ghetto your mommy and daddy paid more for your k-12 education then I paid for college so lets stop talking like a thug on the street ok we all know you grew up in a mansion and got everything you wanted so shut the fuck up stop trying to feel me up because next time you touch my boob by pretending to wipe something I'm going to stab in the eye with a spoon." For real though next time he touches my boob I'm punching him.

Ok woo got that off my chest feel much better now. I haven't even told you about J yet but that is a long story that I will have to tell you another time because I'm just not in the mood to get into that train wreak yet. I'm not saying that I have boys falling all over me or anything and this is very unusual for me to have 1 guy show any interest in me let alone 3. Yet again I prove myself right that no normal health guy is attracted to me only way older, married/taken men, alcoholics and drug addicts I must just put out a vibe that says this girl is damaged if you are and asshole or fucked up in anyway fall for her.

Flushed- I think your explanation of why we encourage each other is spot on. Thanks for finding the words I couldn't to explain why we encourage each other to be disordered.

A.R.- I'm really glad you enjoy reading what I like. Don't feel bad about dropping out of school because of your depression I did the same thing with my first attempt with College/Uni. Going to College for the first time is hard enough to get use to then add depression on top of that and it's just overwhelming. I know how terrible it feels to drop out but just know that when or if you ever decide to go back it is easier the second time around because you know what to expect. Just remember not to let anyone let you feel bad about dropping out because they have no idea how hard depression can make the easiest task. Thanks for your taking the time to comment I really appreciate it.

Had a fantastic workout.

Hit the gym yesterday for an intense work out. Nice and easy 7 minute warm up on the bike to get the blood flowing. Then it was off to the wight machines for a total body work out. I was expecting to feel sore all over but really it's just in my shoulders. Then I hit the treadmill and only had time to like walk/jog a mile but I made the most of it. Started out at a steep incline walking for 1/4 of the mile then went down to no incline and jogged 1/4 and then repeated those for the last 1/2. I was sweating up a storm I normally don't jog because running and my knees aren't friends at all but today I forced myself since I wasn't going to be able to do 3 miles of fast walking. People always say running is the best but honestly before I started driving I walked everywhere and I was so tiny that I swear but walking.

Not much to eat today either just a bowl of organic honey nut cheerios with organic fat free milk. I just figured if I have to eat it might as well be natural because I already put my body through enough stress why put it through any more with processed food. I guess that's about all I have it was a pretty uneventful week for me but it was kind of nice.

Tasha- I've been trying to come up with an answer to the comment you left me all week. Honestly I don't know I really don't know how I can know that I'm doing something bad to my body and still encourage those who read my blog to starve themselves . I guess you could say that subconsciously I do it because I'm scared of being alone again. It just seems right to encourage them because they encourage me. As for the cutting know I don't expect anyone to understand why I cut. It's very hard to get people to understand why I do what I do and unless you hurt yourself to you really aren't going to understand. The best way to explain all this shit I put myself through is that "it's so painful and agonizing yet there is something so enticing about it."

Thanks to Amberly for that last line when I read that in the e-mail you sent me I was like that is one of the best ways I've ever heard it put I'm going to use that.